The news came on a rainy Tuesday afternoon. It was unexpected for early July. The email that my daughter would not be going away to school until January. MAYBE in January. I'm not counting on it. Imagine watching your child for years having a dream. Years of auditions and a lot of hard work and finally - achievement! Then watching it crumble before your very eyes. There are no words to describe it really. Sorrow, disappointment, and devastation just scratch the surface. I am absolutely fucking destroyed.
I have felt my soul leave my body a handful of times in my life and it did on that day. That was it - the final thing that we were holding out hope for. That is gone. I can't tell you one thing that I am looking forward to. Not one thing, not a single day in the future. There is no hope here. Only survival. My husband won't go back to work until the spring. MAYBE. Who knows about my freshman. I'm not hopeful.
This pandemic has brought me to my knees. I am not the same person that I was 6 months ago. I am a shell of who I was. I used to so happy and easy-going. I had a zest for life. I just don't anymore. I try to pretend that I do, for the sake of my children. But they know deep-down that I am not the same. I don't think any of us are really.
But I am not consumed by darkness and sadness, which is surprising even to me. There is no darkness here. Just bright red anger. I am so angry. I want to scream, to pull dishes out of the cabinet and throw them again the wall. But I don't do that. I walk and listen to hard rock. I don't even cry anymore. What's the point? I have no tears left.
I can't see other people. I find myself disillusioned by humanity. The other day I was talking to my friend and I couldn't even process what she was saying. I didn't even care. I don't want to see anyone that I know. Because then they'll ask me how I'm doing and then I'll have to lie and say that I'm fine. Then they will talk to me and I'll just stare at them dumbly because I'm not in a state where I can give a shit about other people.
Or, I can tell them the truth. But I won't because I only talk about my feelings to people that I pay and I that I don't need to see on a regular basis. People to be well-meaning and try to offer insight but nothing makes it better. No, I can't look at the silver lining. No, I can't see the positives. It's like someone handing you a shit sandwich and saying, "But look, it's on hand-crafted artisan French Bread." I don't accept it. It doesn't help that we are all in this together. Just because we are all in hell, doesn't make it any less hot.
I also don't want anyone to feel bad for me or pity me. I hate that. I feel like people I know, know that I am not dealing well with any of this and they give me this look like they feel bad and don't even know what to say to me. I fucking hate it so much.
I don't want to do anything virtual. I don't want to meet my kid's teacher's virtually. I don't want to attend meeting virtually. Ummmmm.....just send me an email with bullet points, thanks.
I have limited my social media. Even the memes don't make me laugh anymore. I hate people posting about covid. I mute them. The worst ones are the "I'm wearing a mask for YOU!" declarations. Okay, Mother Theresa, calm down. You are so great and righteous. I don't wear a mask for other people. I generally don't like other people. I don't even really wear a mask for myself. My ill-fitting cloth mask is doing very little to protect me. I wear a mask mostly because I have to and because I don't like getting shamed and so I don't need to smile at people when they walk by. I'm certainly not wearing a mask for Susan who has been standing in front of the coffee aisle for 5 minutes and I just want to reach around her and grab what I need but I can't because of social distancing.
The only good part about wearing masks is that I can pretend I don't recognize people I know in public. I rarely go anywhere but if I do, I pray I don't see anyone I know because I can't possibly carry on a conversation. Sometimes I have to and it EXHAUSTS me. I have some commitments that I HAVE to attend to but those will be done by July 23rd. For the first time in 10 years, I won't be serving on any boards. Good. I'm tired of volunteering and helping other people. I'm only helping my immediate family and myself for now on.
I know this all makes me sound like a shitty person. It's because I am. But you know what? At least I'm not a shitty person that pretends not to be. At least I'm self-aware about it, and in a way, doesn't that make me less shitty?
I am really feeling the pull to go inside of myself. I am taking a vow of solitude. I won't see anyone. I just can't. For how long? I don't know. Until I get to the other side of my anger. I don't know how long that will take. January? Until my child goes away to school? Until the pandemic is over?
I need to take this time to just be with my family and channel my anger into something creative and productive. To try to turn the shit to gold. In times of crisis, it's the only thing I know how to do to survive - to bury myself in solitude. And to pray. A lot. God speed!
No comments:
Post a Comment