Next Thursday, I was supposed to
get on a plane and fly to Paris for my daughter's 14 birthday. We were going to
explore the city, and have croissants, and a fancy dinner. We'd sing Happy
Birthday over creme brulee. Then we were going to take a river cruise to see
the Eiffel tower lit up at night.
Our next stop was Verona for 3 days.
I rented an apartment in the ancient city walls with a beautiful view where we
could sit and have coffee in the morning.
We were going to go to Juliet's
balcony and visit Castelvecchio. I even brought opera tickets in the Colisseum
in early March. You can buy a gelato and watch the show.
Then we were going to spend 4 days
in Venice. We'd visit galleries and basilicas. We'd eat pasta and take a
gondola ride.
Then we were going to get on this
ship:
We'd have stops in Greece. We were
going to visit the Acropolis in Athens, and ancient ruins in Olympia - which
would have been during the time the Olympics were happening. We were going to
enjoy the sights and beaches in Santorini.
We had two stops in Croatia. Split
and Dubrovnik. My oldest was going to turn 16 in Dubrovnik. We would tour the
city and she was excited to order wine for lunch.
We had a long layover in Frankfurt
on the way home, almost 24 hours. We were going to meet up with my daughter's
friend who was an exchange student freshman year and my husband was going to
show us his favorite spots since he's been there a few times.
We were to be gone for 17 days.
Just our family. Enjoying each other, soaking in the food, art and culture. It
was a once in a lifetime trip. We'd been planning it for years. Since 2018. We
scrimped and saved and put money aside religiously. It was paid for, hotels
were booked, excursions planned, countdowns begun......that dream is dead
now.
The
death of this dream has been difficult for me and I don't like to talk about it
with other people because I can't. Because it's shitty. People are legitimately
suffering so I know me crying about my 17 day European vacation being canceled
is terrible and awful. Like no one feels bad for you, except for other people
that got their European vacations canceled.
I
can't even talk about it with my husband. He gets really triggered about it.
"You realize that you are crying because you don't get to go to Italy
AGAIN?" First world problems. I don't want to hear "You'll get to go
someday." Honestly, fuck someday. Someday when? Time and resources are not
unlimited. There are other places I want to go, things I want to see. I'm
angry. Enraged really. Not at anyone or anything in particular. Just the entire
situation. I am MAD.
So,
I booked a therapist appointment. I paid someone to cry to them about my
European vacation being canceled. That is the most "Karen" thing I've
ever heard in my life. I sat on her couch and sobbed. That is the only time
that I didn't feel bad about it.
Now
the time is here. We made it to July. As we get closet to date we were supposed
to leave, the more I just want to jump out of my skin. I was doing dishes the
other day and I longed to throw a plate against the wall and just watch it shatter.
I am MAD.
My
girls have birthdays coming up and I am trying to make them as special as
possible. They aren't really looking forward to them anymore. They barely asked
for any gifts. I told my youngest that we could go to Rue de Jean. That's the
closest we will get to French food, maybe we can pretend we are in Paris. My
oldest will have dinner with friends. They are disappointed and there is
nothing I can do to take that away.
Now
the news is ripe with impending school closures and event cancelations, and I
don't know how much more of this we can possibly take. A normal life is like a
dream now. It's like after you have a baby. After only a month, you forget what
life was like before. You vaguely remember it, but it's this intangible place that
you'll never experience again. That's how this is, except instead of a baby you
only get disappointment and heartache.
I
wish that I could just fall asleep and wake up when all this is over. This time
feels wasted anyhow. I am MAD.
I
wanted so much more than this. For myself, for my children. I need to pull into
myself and try to find the joy. It is the only way I will get through the month
of July. When this all started, I'd say to myself - April will be better, May
will be better....I'm not even willing to tell myself that anymore. I can't
possibly get my hopes up.
This
blog post is so damn emo. I just need to get it off my chest. It is what it is.
Well, I guess I'll go eat my feelings now.....
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