Why Is It Almost December and What Is Happening?

                         
It's 8:30 and I am in my pajamas, in bed with a piping hot mug of cocoa on my nightstand. The house is mostly quiet except for muffled sound of sh*tty pop music that is coming through the kid's bathroom door. Yes, I have survived another day.

My life has been crazy. I say that all the time, but I mean it very sincerely. It's crazy in a way that only my life can be. My husband's birthday is a perfect example. It was two Fridays ago. I woke up up extra early that day to make him a big breakfast. I made eggs, bacon, sausage, toast, a fruit salad - a nice spread. I served him coffee and I told him he didn't look a day over 30.

It was an unusual day. When I decided to do online school with my youngest, I pulled away from a lot of my volunteer commitments. However, I stayed on to do the books for band boosters because it does not take a lot of time and most of what I do I can do from home. Our biggest fundraiser is in the fall and that day was the day money was due.

My plan was to bring my oldest daughter to school, stay for a few hours, reconcile the money and finalize the order. This happens ONCE A YEAR. My husband was leaving at 8:15 and I planned to be home at 11:30. My youngest daughter had finished most of her lessons for the week already so her friend that also does online school was going to come over and they were going to do their lessons together, and work on a project. After I got home, I was going to make them lunch and we were going to make a birthday cake for my husband. An easy day.

I got all my stuff together and went to the bathroom before I had to leave. I reached for the toilet paper and the roll was empty. That bathroom either has 10 rolls of toilet paper in it or none. There is no in-between. I yelled for someone to get me a roll of toilet paper. I listened to everyone in my family argue over who was going to retrieve toilet paper for me. I just sat there and I thought about how if I was a man, I wouldn't need toilet paper to pee. I could just shake it off and go about my day. I want to be a man, I'm jealous of them with their low maintenance man-parts and higher pay. Do you know what's more inconvenient than owning a vagina? Literally nothing. MAYBE the DMV. The DMV is a close second. Uggggh.

Before long, the bathroom door opened and and a roll of paper towels landed at my feet. Not toilet paper- paper towels. Because no one wanted to walk up the stairs to get toilet paper. "REALLY, GUYS?!?!?!" I screamed through the bathroom door. I knew then, that the day was not going to go as planned.

I kissed my husband goodbye and then drove my oldest to school which was the longest ride ever because we got in an argument about her not turning in classwork. CLASSWORK. That's an easy thing to do. She was being super defensive about it, "I know what I need to do!" Eye rolling, arm crossing and deep sighing ensued. "Then do it!" I yelled back. "Like, if you checked PowerSchool as much as you checked Snapchat, you'd be on point." By the time I pulled up to school we both were heated. She slammed the car door and walked ahead of me. I was not in a good mood. I just wanted to put my headphones in, do my money counting and not talk to anyone.

I'm walking through the hallway and I was pulled aside to get a talking-to about my daughter's pants that were ripped. I guess one of the rips was too high. She's worn these pants multiple times a week since school started and this was the first time I heard they were not within dress code so I was like, "Okay, whatever."

I get to where I needed to be and my daughter is now having a full on teenage nervous breakdown about her pants. "Calm down, it'll be fine. I'll buy you a new pair of pants." I was still pissed at her. She leaves, I sit down and count money. Not 5 minutes later, she is back again in full on panic mode. "They said you need to go home to get me different pants."

              

Now, I'm annoyed. I get up and go to the person and say, "Listen, I'm not going home to get her new pants, so what needs to happen?"

"I told her she can tie her sweatshirt in front of her to cover up the rip."
I almost laughed out loud. She's in middle school. In middle school, kids get ridiculed for simply existing, so I know for a fact she is not going to walk around all day with a sweatshirt tied around the front her waist. I'm not going to insist that she do that either.
"Yeah, she's not going to do that. So, if she doesn't do it, she will be sent to ISS. Correct?"
I know how this goes.
"Yes, but we don't want to have to do that."

So I go back to my daughter and say, "You have 2 options. I am not going home to get you new pants so you can either tie your sweatshirt around the front of you OR you can be in ISS today."
She threw her hands up, in defeat. "I'll just go to ISS." Then she went on a rant.

I went back and said, "She will not be covering up the rip so you will have to give her an ISS." Then it was, "We don't need to do that. All she needs to do is cover up the....." I lost my mind. Seriously, I was giving ZERO F*CKS about these pants. I didn't want to deal with it. Put her in ISS, send her work to her and maybe she might get things done without distractions, maybe even get a nap in - which she needs. I was OVER IT. If that is what we do with kids that show a small portion of their upper thigh, that is more of a reflection of our f*cked up society than anything else.

So I go back to my melting-down kid who now is smiling. She had tracked down some black duct tape, taped it to her skin, under her pants and now she was within dress code. "I covered up the rip," she said, her eyes still red. Good, problem solved. I can't say she's not resourceful.

I hugged her. "I love you and I want you to have a good day but seriously, turn in your classwork and GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER." She rolled her eyes at me, "Ok. love you too," she muttered under her breath.

I sat down and started doing was I was there to do. I was on edge though. So annoyed. Like, beyond annoyed. Then, 10 minutes later, my phone rings. It was my youngest. I was assuming she was calling to ask me something ridiculous- like can she have leftover meatloaf for breakfast. I picked up the phone.
"Hey whats up?" I asked.
"Yeah, so mom....uh...the police just left here."
"WHAT?!?! Why?!?!"
"So, uh, my friend rode her bike over here and she left it in the front yard and the police came and wrote me ticket."
"For what?"
"For having a bike in the front yard, but don't worry, you don't have to pay any money. It's like a warning."
"Did he ask to speak to an adult?"
"No. He just wrote me a ticket. Then the dog jumped on him and ran down the street. So I had to go get her and we put the bike in the garage. We are going to start our lessons now. It's ok."
"Alright, I'll be home soon."

Who writes a ticket to an 11 year old? You get a ticket for having a bike in your front yard? What kind of fascist bullshit is this? WHAT IS HAPPENING?

I ended the call and I put my head in my hands. I am a shit mother. How did my life spiral this out of control in an hour and a half? Help me please. 

I finished my work there and then signed my older daughter out and headed home. I walked through my front door at the TV is at full blast, my daughter and her friend are on the couch with their laptops and my house was destroyed. Sh*t everywhere, dishes piled in the sink....

I made them help me clean up (which they complained about) and then I made them lunch and we got to work on my husband's cake. My youngest had surveyed him earlier in the week about what he wanted and made an ambitious plan for this cake. 

We had made the actual CAKE the day before and now it was time to put it together and decorate it. Well, you could say it did not come out quite as planned. 

Is it a cake? A hat? A f*cked up nipple? Who knows?

To top it off, we went to the Dollar Store to get candles and they didn't have the same 3 and 5 so the final product was this.

This cake is the physical manifestation of how things usually go for me. LOL. It's just sad, but made with love and that's what really counts, right?

I had the house cleaned and dinner made by the time my husband came home. He laughed and laughed at the cake but was very gracious about it. We sang Happy Birthday and called him "old man". I brought him his favorite beer and poured myself a much needed glass of wine. 

My dad and brother came over and we did our favorite thing. About once a week, they come over and we all take turns playing the CHEESIEST music videos we can find and we dance and sing along. It has almost become a tradition. The kids get really into it too. We listened to Europe, Steve Winwood, Rod Stewart.... the girls did an amazing impression on Milli Vanilli that had us all rolling on the floor.  It was a nice, relaxing low-key night. 

By 9:30 I was exhausted. I kissed my husband. "Sorry your birthday was kind of anti-climatic."

"What?!?! It was amazing." This is why I love him. Because I can be a hot mess and we can make a ghetto birthday cake and sing along to Milli Vanilli in our pajamas and it can still be a good day.

That, folks, is a slice of my life.

P.S. I was trying to write this yesterday evening, but my 13 year old closed my laptop, hopped into bed with me and said, "I'm going to need you to stop what you are doing and pay attention to me." Then the 11 year old showed up and talked my ear off as well. For all the parents with young children wondering when you will get a break- you won't. Just give up hope, surrender yourself, this is your life now....

The Chaos

I'm tired as hell. This is not new. I've been tired for like, 14 years straight but I've been especially tired lately.

Last week was nutty. My husband was out of town all week and I picked him up at the airport late on Friday night. The weekend was jam-packed. We were planning to divide and conquer. My youngest had a gymnastics competition 3.5 hours away and my oldest was dancing at the fair.

I woke up early on Saturday morning because I had a list of a thousand things to do before I had to leave. Typical. The house was quiet. I went downstairs and fixed myself a cup of coffee and some oatmeal. I ate and then sat on the couch to drink my coffee and read the news. It's my daily routine. I need that 20 minutes in the morning.

My husband came downstairs shortly after and joined me on the couch. He wanted to chatter about his week and whatever else. No. Just not now. I gave him the "look" and told him that right now I needed some peace.
"You are being annoying today," he said.
"No I'm not. I'm just trying to drink my coffee in peace," I replied.
"Yeah, but you're not paying attention to me," he joked. It was only a half-joke. He did want me to pay attention to him.

I need my space. It's because I'm an Aquarius. I blame all of my terrible personality traits on being an Aquarius. Emotionally unavailable? It's because I'm an Aquarius. Never call you back? Aquarius. Grumpy? Aquarius.
                            
                                       We are the worst.....along with Aries and Scorpio.

He settled for sitting quietly next to me. My kids came rolling downstairs at 7:30 am. On a Saturday. Why?!?!?! They could have slept, it is unlike them. "What's for breakfast?" they asked. "Whatever you make yourself," I said. I was annoyed. I didn't want to see them until I finished my coffee.

I got up and straightened the living room. Then I went into the kitchen to pack lunch for the drive to Greenville. I'm in the kitchen, peeling clementines and making sandwiches and listening to the radio when all hell breaks loose.

My oldest decides she is going to play the flute LOUDLY in the adjoining dining room, the dog sees a car drive by and is barking and running in a circle around the house, the cat is at my ankles meowing for a treat, my youngest is like, "Mom, mom, mom....." and trying to get my attention, and my husband is standing there trying to talk politics to me, there are dishes piled in the sink because my damn dishwasher broke last week....I was like

                   
This is what my life is like. This is why I need my 20 minutes with my coffee every morning because my days are literal shit shows. Don't get me wrong, I have a good life and I enjoy it but it is mass chaos. It is dirty dishes, laundry, carpools, demanding pets and hormonal daughters and a traveling husband. It's just pure insanity at all times.

I handled one thing at a time. I validated my husband and gave my political opinion, I assured my daughter I would mend her warm-up pants before we left, I offered feedback to my flute-playing daughter, I gave the cat some treats and let the dog out. Then, I kicked everyone out of the kitchen and started the dishes and finished packing lunch. That is what moms do. We multi-task.

I gave specific directions to my husband for the dancing event at the fair. I set out her costume, got the tickets ready, gave them cash. I tried to make it easy. My husband is an IT person. He doesn't like to be surprised, he likes a timeline and directions, he wants to know what to expect, hates surprises. It's probably because he is an asshole Scorpio.

I headed out the door and we made the journey to the gymnastics competition. It was a long drive but nice. I had her teammate and mom with me, which helped the time pass. I was in the stands watching my daughter compete, and my phone starts blowing up. My husband was losing his ever-loving mind.

My daughter convinced him to pick up her friend and take him to the fair too. He did, not a problem. Well, she had to go dance and this teenage boy was just stuck hanging out with my husband and brother. After she danced, she wanted to go on some rides and meet up with some other friends. Still not a problem.

He wants to leave and my daughter tells him that he is the only adult there. She told her friends that her dad and uncle would be there to chaperone them. It all sounded sketch to me. "If you want to leave, just leave."
"And leave all these other kids here unsupervised?" he asked. He's such a dad.
"Ummm. Yes. You never agreed to supervise anyone else's kid. No parents spoke with you. It is not your responsibility. You are responsible for our kid and the kid you picked up but not the others. If they wanted you to watch their kid then they should have reached out to you."
"This is bullshit. I'm taking the little one ALWAYS. EVERY TIME from now on."

This was not in the plan, he stayed later than expected, he was totally triggered. It was the funniest. I'm glad he got stuck at the fair. I hate the fair. I refuse to go. Someone threw up on a ride that spins in the air and it rained vomit on me and the kids one year. The food is gross. It's dirty as hell and I want to scrub myself. I don't trust rides that were put together a week ago. The traffic is terrible. The fair does not bring me joy. I know I sound snobby and people love the fair but I despise it. I'm so glad it's over.

I got to watch my baby compete. She placed third overall. I was so proud. She is a hard worker.

This week has been a hot mess. The kids have had a million activities. I've written like 20 checks which I'm pissed about. My dishwasher is costing $220 to repair. There have been field trips and band fundraisers and dance costumes.....We had to pay to replace my youngest daughter's passport because the dog ate it. Christmas is next month. Thankfully my shopping for the kids is pretty much done. Yesterday my oldest tried to add something to her list and I was like, "No. Christmas is not magic anymore. You get what you get." Aquarius.

Well, I have to go. I have a never ending list things to do- as usual.

P.S. My daughter just informed me that the dog pooped on the living room rug while I wrote this. I'm wasn't kidding when I said my life was a literal shit show. LOL

Tokyo

Every year we take a vacation. We have the next 3 years planned out. We were supposed to go to Puerto Rico this June. After the hurricane my husband approached me. "You know how we were planning to go to PR in June? Well, I'm pretty sure they are going to be rebuilding the island still by then."
"Okay. So where do you want to go?"
"I was thinking Tokyo."

We planned to go to Tokyo in 2020. This would be a flip. I told him that I would look into it. I did. There is no way in hell we could go in June, it would be much too expensive. I was looking at dates and it is half the amount to go in March / early April for Spring Break AND that is the week the cherry blossoms bloom so BONUS.  I've been watching flights like a maniac and found a really good deal.

We will fly out of NYC and our flights to Tokyo (including flights to NYC, baggage and fees) were very reasonable. Lodging is expensive in Tokyo and I wanted to stay in Shinjuku but that was out of our price range. I found a cute AirBNB in Kita that is close to a train station that offered a great weekly discount. There were a lot of reviews and they were positive so I'm feeling good about it.

We will spend 2 days at DisneySea which will be the most expensive thing but there is a LOT of stuff to do in Tokyo that is absolutely free.

We will attend the Kanamara Matsuri: FREE

                             

It's a penis festival. It's actually The Festival of the Steel Phallus and it's a religious tradition. They have a parade with big giant penises, women in kimonos cradle penises as seen above, they sell penis shaped food, candy and souvenirs. This is an event that is right up my alley.

It's a family friendly event- I mean, as family friendly as a penis festival can be. People bring their kids and grandmas show up. We are pretty laid back about that kind of stuff so I don't think it's that big of a deal.

I know people will think I'm a bad mom for attending the Kanamara Matsuri with my kids but keep in mind that I toured an ancient brothel with my children this summer so I'm not exactly winning in that department. Pompeii is one big giant ode to penises.

In ancient Italy they had fascinus which are penises with wings on them and they were considered to be good luck. There was this booth outside of the city gates that had rows and rows of giant fascinus as well as other questionable souvenirs.

We just walked by with the kids like:
                                  

A penis is a penis, once you've seen one- you've seen them all. It will be fascinating and I definitely won't post pictures on Facebook but I'm weirdly excited about it.

We will go to Ueno Park and view the cherry blossoms: FREE

How beautiful is this? I'm thinking that we'll picnic here with our $5 Bento boxes

We will visit the Imperial Palace: FREE



We will explore a Japanese cemetery: FREE


We will visit Sensi-Jo: FREE


We will visit the Meji-Shrine: FREE


We will explore Akihabara and go in all the anime stores: FREE

My youngest loves all things Manga and anime so this will be a real treat!

Watch a sumo practice: FREE


Wander through Tokyo markets and back alleys: FREE


We will visit the Muramatsu flute store: Free

There are actually multiple flute manufacturing facilities in Tokyo and we might hit up a few. My oldest is so excited about it. She wants to try ALL the flutes.

We will eat treats at the Kawaii Monster Cafe:

We will take selfies at Tokyo Tower: Free


You can pay to go up to the top but we won't. Instead we'll go to the top of the Metropolitan Government building which has amazing views of the city and is FREE.

We have taken some legit vacations the past few years and people are always ask us about it. The number one question I get is:

How can you afford to go?
I watch flights like a hawk. I have alerts on my phone and I watch out of all the hubs - New York, Boston, Washington DC, Atlanta, Miami. I watch flights for ALL of my bucket list places. Did you know you can fly to Beijing from NYC for $429 round trip? Or from Miami to Tel Aviv for $550? That's crazy!

I found tickets to Tokyo for $480 round trip from New York. We flew out of New York to go to Rome. When we went to South Dakota we had to drive to fly out of Atlanta to Denver and drive 7 hours through Wyoming. Otherwise, we never would have been able to afford to go. On the upside, we got to visit family and explore the Rockies. The long drive though Wyoming was beautiful and we bonded for sure. We laugh about the night we spent at JFK airport. We make the best of it. We only have a 3.5 hour layover for this trip so it won't be so bad. Direct flights are super expensive.

Convenience costs a lot of money so sometimes I find great deals that might not be as convenient as I like but that is the difference between us being able to go or not go.

When we went to Rome, we couldn't afford to stay in the center of the city. We stayed in a small hotel outside of the city walls. Everyday we had a 10 minute walk to the bus station and another 15 minute ride into the city. It was totally fine. It added to our experience because there were a lot of non-touristy restaurants and shops in the area.

We booked the smallest interior room on the cruise ship. We are only there to sleep - there is no need for a bigger room and balcony. Would it be nice to have a bigger room and a balcony? Sure. But that is the difference between us being able to go or not go.

If we go to a sit down restaurant, it will be for lunch and not dinner. We will eat a lot of market/ street food in Tokyo and a lot of Bento boxes. There is a supermarket across the street from our apartment and we will buy breakfast and snacks there. We will fill our water bottles and carry them with us. We do everything we can that is free. I don't do expensive tours, I plan everything myself.

We don't buy souvenirs. I let each of the kids spend $30 in Europe and I brought some magnets for the fridge. I don't buy gifts for people. I'm kind of an asshole like that. haha. But really, we go on trips to create memories not to collect things. I'm not spending hundreds of dollars on souvenirs. That is the difference between us being able to go or not go.

We squirrel away a little bit of money every paycheck for our vacation fund. If you want to take a $5,000 every year that breaks down to a little over $13 a day. Most of us waste more than $13 on bullshit. We are frugal and we are savers. We are not shot callers. We live very modestly.  That is the difference between us being able to go or not go. 

We decided that if we want to travel we have got to do it with the resources that we currently have.

Are you scared?
Yes. The idea of flying across the ocean gives me the creeps big time. Being in a country where I can't read or speak the language is super intimidating. Different than Europe because I know a little bit of French and Spanish. I can only say "hello!" and "thank you" in Japanese. Our 11 year old knows a TON of Japanese phrases so we will put her in charge. Bad mom award.

I've been studying public transportation in Tokyo. The train stations have signage in English. Thank goodness! I think the first day will be overwhelming but by the end of our trip we'll be pros. On the upside, the train system in Tokyo is very efficient and trains are always on time. Not at all like the Roman bus system.

I've figured out the currency and how the dollar converts to yen, so I feel confident about that. Tokyo is a pretty safe city and I've read that the people are very nice and helpful. You don't have to worry about pick pockets as much as you do in Europe.

I'll read as much as I can so I feel comfortable as possible going. There are going to be hiccups, there are going to be frustrations, and we might even get lost a few times. But guess what? We'll figure it out. That is what we have always done in life. If my husband can figure out how to get from Germany to France and navigate Paris by himself then surely we can get around Tokyo. We have done this before. It will be fine.

Are you traveling with your kids?
People think I am crazy to travel with the kids and they have just gotten to the ages where we can travel with them easily. They do great. They carry their own things, they can walk long distances without complaining (well, mostly), they enjoy the things we enjoy. They make great traveling buddies. The only downside is that we can't play the piano and while not ideal, it's okay.

We could not leave them for 9-10 days. I know they are older now but I'd miss them terribly. Besides, I think being able to travel and see the world so young is definitely an education and will help us bond as a family.

We are traveling because I HAVE to. This is my life's dream. It's important to me. I want to see the world. I have so many places on my list. I am young and we can. I don't know what the future holds. We could be living in a Hunger Games-like dystopia in 10 years. If not now, then when?

I am very excited about it and I am very humbled. My husband and I are just some rag-tag kids from New Jersey and we have worked hard and been very fortunate in our lives. I think Tokyo will be amazing and life-changing. Then, it will be time to plan our next trip.

Band Moms

Tomorrow is Halloween which means that marching band season is officially over. This was my daughter's second year, and she looked forward to it all winter and spring. She loves marching band - it makes her so happy. I try to be as involved as I can. During marching band season my husband and I volunteer a lot of our time. I volunteer at every game and competition. I figure that if I'm going to be there anyway, I might as well help.

I am always in awe of the other parents and how dedicated they are to the band. We have a TON of amazing parents who are there- week after week- loading and unloading the truck, building props, riding buses, administering first aid, cheering on the kids. We spend a lot of time together during marching season and I have grown close to the other band parents.

We do everything together. We load and unload the truck together, we feed and water the children together, we run onto the field together and we stand together on the sidelines and watch, teary eyed and holding our breaths, as the kids perform their show.

I love the band moms so much. We share the joys and accomplishments of our children, but also our worries and our struggles. We hold each other up.  I respect these women so much, more than they'll ever know. I've learned so much from them - especially the mothers of older kids. They have so much knowledge and insight. Their friendship is invaluable to me.

The band community is amazing because I know that even if I'm not there, there are literally dozens of other parents who love my kid and would make sure she was taken care of. Yes, I'm there to support MY kid but I love all the band kids. Every last one of them. I pray for them all and I hope they all grow up to have beautiful lives. They are an amazing group of kids and I am so humbled that my daughter can be part of that.

It has not been an easy month for the band. One of the assistant band directors passed away at the beginning of the month. I loved him, he was truly a beautiful human being. The children adored him. It was a huge loss, one that will be felt for years to come.

Then a week later, one of their fellow band members died tragically. One of OUR kids. It was almost too much to bear. The sorrow, heartbreak, grief and heaviness of it all left a feeling of brokenness that I don't think I'd ever be able to truly put into words.

I attended the funeral, because I love all the band kids. I sat in the back, as band mothers should. Band moms hang around the edges and give enough space but are there at a moments notice when needed. I watched all the band kids file into the church together. It was so different to see them all dressed up in black suits and dresses. They almost looked like little adults. My own daughter walked past me and gave me a nod of acknowledgement before joining the rest of the band who sat together.

There was a lot of tears that day and I was sad to see them like that. Sad that they had to learn so many difficult lessons in such a short period of time. I mourned their innocence as deeply as I mourned our dead.

They practiced hard in those following afternoons and competed in Lower State just 4 days later. It was a long day.  The kids went out on the field and played their hearts out. I was so damn proud of them (especially my girl).  The band went out on the field for awards afterwards and the parents huddled together behind them. We held our breaths as they called out the bands and our excitement grew as we got closer to the top.

They placed third. Top 3. The parents cried proud tears, jumped up and down and hugged each other. Then I turned and watched the kids: cheering, taking turns hugging one another, celebrating. I smiled because amidst all the pain, grief and loss there was joy and I realized that our children would not be broken. They are strong, they push forward, they hold up one another and they truly deserved the win.

We got home at 1:30 am there was a throng of parents there unloading the truck. At 1:30 AM. Band parents are amazing human beings.

They qualified for state competition the following week. They were aiming for single digits- top 10. They went out and played the show one last time. All those hours of practice, all that work, the blood sweat and tears - came down to this ten minutes.

There was some electronic issues but I thought they did fabulously. I love watching my daughter play the flute. I makes me SO happy. I thought they had a solid performance.

It was time for awards and the kids went onto the field. The parents stood together on a hill. Again, we held our breaths as they called out the bands. They called out 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11 - it wasn't us. Then they called out number 10....it wasn't us. They had done it! Single digits. They placed number 7th in the state. The parents were so happy. Our kids worked so hard for this and it was important to them. They had met their goal and they had made it to the other side.

We watched them hug and celebrate again. They had told their story and they had done it well.

The kids will remember this month for the rest of their lives. I know that I will. I hope they remember that sometimes it is darkest right before the dawn, that there are rainbows after the storm, that even in hard times there is beauty. Most importantly, I hope they know that they ALL are loved.

My Baby

                               
I've been spending a lot of time with my youngest child. Which can be a challenge sometimes, as you know.

Last year I felt like I barely saw her at all between school and gymnastics but now that she does online school I get her back a little bit. She is pretty self-sufficient. I mostly help her with projects and technical stuff. I oversee her work. She tries to get me to give her answers.

"Mom. What impact did the Imperial Era have on the Chinese?"
"I don't know - look it up," I reply.
She gets mad, "Geez mom! You are supposed to know this! You passed sixth grade!"

She legit expects me to remember everything I learned in 6th grade. That was like, a million years ago. The only thing I have in my brain are dick jokes, lyrics to 80's songs, and recipes. There is no useful information in there.

She is being a lot less combative and nicer lately. We started going to marriage counseling a few months ago. She was constantly being moody, was taking everything I said out of context, we were not communicating well at all. One day, I had enough.
"We're going to marriage counseling," I declared, throwing up my hands.
                 
"But we're not married," she said confused.
"I don't care!" I said.

So we go once a month. It is just like marriage counseling. We play games, we are open with each other. I think it's helped relate to each other better. We get this one chance and I am not going to spend the next 7 years battling each other. At first she hated it, but now it's better. I'm learning to bend on some things.

Food, for instance. I never cooked special food for the kids. You get what you get. I'm not an ala carte chef. In the past year my child has become super picky. She refuses to eat eggs, oatmeal, chicken, pork, turkey. You know, normal things that people eat for dinner. It's making me crazy. I would make dinner and she would refuse to eat it and then I would tell her to make herself food and she would eat crap.

Finally, I raised my white flag. "What will you eat?" She thought about it. "Ham, steak, soup, sushi and spaghetti. That's what I like."
"Ok. I can do that."
"Yeah, mom, but not canned soup. I only like your fresh soup."
"Like what?"
"Potato, mushroom, French onion, tomato, broccoli and cheese...."

This child expects me to make fresh soup.
                        
So, I've been making big batches of soup and freezing them. Also, what 11 year old likes French onion, mushroom and tomato soup? That is the rotation now - ham, steak, soup and spaghetti. The rest of us just eat what I normally cook. It's made dinner times much better although I have broken my rule of not being an ala carte chef. We all have to sacrifice.

She gets sushi once a week for lunch. That is my special treat to her. She loves sushi. Sushi and Ramen noodles. She wants to be Japanese. When she is not doing gymnastics and school she is watching anime and reading manga. She's funny.

A few weeks ago I took her to see Laurie Hernandez. It was kind of a fluke. I was driving her to practice and we heard on the radio that she would be in town the next day at the Southern Women's Show. She LOVES Laurie Hernandez. I went online and the tickets were sold out. I was bummed.

I emailed the head of the Southern Woman's Show in a panic. I really wanted to make this happen for her. The lady emailed me back and said that we may be able to meet her at the event with just general admission tickets even if we didn't get the "VIP package".

The next day we got ready to go. She wore her USA hoodie and we took the picture of the Olympic gymnasts off the wall and packed it in a tote in hopes that we could get an autograph. We walked around the convention center beforehand and she was being moody and having an all around crappy attitude. She criticized my outfit choice. I almost left her there alone.

We sat down and they did a Q&A with Laurie. Laurie talked about being one of the only Puerto Rican gymnasts, repeating Level 4, struggling with bars, the TV shows she likes....my daughters eyes were wide. She leaned in and whispered, "We have so much in common." She was happy.

After, they announced that they would have a meet and greet. We got up an ran over and she was third in line. When it was her turn to meet Laurie she was shaking, she was so nervous. Laurie was so sweet. She hugged her and complimented her sweatshirt, she told my daughter that she had pretty hair and asked her about gymnastics. She signed her photo and posed for me to get a picture of them.

When we walked out of the convention center, my daughter was still shaking. Then, we sat down in the car and she started to sob. "What's wrong?" I asked, confused.

"I'm just so happy," she said. She cried the whole way home. I laughed. She loves gymnastics so much and to meet her FAVORITE gymnast was amazing. Priceless.

I was just glad to get a picture. She refuses to let me take pictures of her. "Ugggh! You always want to take my picture." Meanwhile, my oldest always wants me to take her picture. In 20 years she's going to wonder why I have hundreds of pictures of her sister and 2 of her. She's going to make me feel like a bad mother about it.

Things between us are better. Not perfect, but she is coming back to me a bit. Yesterday she sat down on the couch and leaned against me as we watched a show. Instead of putting headphones in on the way home, she hooked up her phone to the radio and we sang along to Panic at the Disco together, when I came home from the grocery store this morning, she thanked me for buying salami and asked if she could jump on my back....it's the little things.

I think she is leveling out a little bit. We're just taking it one day at a time. I love her so much.

1-800-273-8255

           
I started this blog a few weeks ago and I debated whether or not to post it....but it's time to finish it now.

Last month, my daughter's marching band had their first exhibition. It was a beautiful day. The children did an awesome job. I was proud. Afterwards, I took her out to dinner. Just me and my oldest girl. As I was driving home, she chatted excitedly about the day, jokes that had been told, things to be done....

A song came on the radio; it's about suicide awareness and my daughter said this to me:
"This is everyone at schools favorite song and a lot of people told me they can relate to it and it makes me so sad. They should have a class that everyone has to go to that talks about stuff like this. Not optional, EVERYONE. Like, I know it's important for us to know math and English and history but if we had a class where we could talk about stuff then maybe everyone would realize we are going through the same things and maybe we would all be nicer to each other and people wouldn't feel so alone."

She said it so passionately. I thought it was a very prophetic thing for a 13 year old to say. "I completely agree with you." People with mental health issues do feel stigmatized and it's such an unfortunate thing. We talk about stuff like this a lot in my house because I REALLY struggled with mental health issues during my adolescence.

I'm not ashamed about it, I have often spoke of my appreciation for Zoloft but it's still a hard thing to talk about. I suffered from severe depression and crippling anxiety from 12-18. I can't exactly pinpoint what triggered it. Puberty? Middle School? My abandonment issues? I just remember feeling so intensely sad and empty EVERY SINGLE DAY of my life. I felt like I was alone in the world, like I was on the outside looking in, like I didn't belong. Not to my friends, definitely not to my family. Not to anyone. I remember thinking, I don't belong on this planet. Who's idea was it to put me here? I was weird, I was not a normal human being, I was not like everyone else and I hated myself for it.

My anxiety was horrible. Every test, every social interaction was like sandpaper on my skin, knots in my stomach. Everyone started talking about my future - I needed to be a certain way, get good grades, be a good girl because otherwise I was compromising my future. FUCK! That's heavy for a 14 year old. I was just trying to get through to next Tuesday and I felt like every step and every decision I made would haunt me forever. Everyone else's future would surely be brighter and better than my own - my anxiety fed me so many lies. I vacillated between overwhelming sadness and feeling completely numb. I started cutting at 12 and I was a cutter for years. I liked to slice side of my feet, because the cuts were easy to hide. I was really ashamed about it and that made it worse.

I had terrible panic attacks. I remember my first panic attack. April 20, 1999 - as I sat on the coffee table in my living room watching the news about the Columbine school shootings. The heat rushed and tingled up my neck, into my face, my heart raced and the walls seemed to close in. I thought I was going to die. I sobbed after. It was only the first of many. I would have up to 5 panic attacks a day after that. Probably for about a year. I got used to them, the feeling of dread as one was coming and I just let them wash over me. I did not want to live like this. I never had a plan but I spent many nights wishing that I would go to sleep and not wake up in the morning. I wasted YEARS of my life wishing that I was dead.

I didn't want anyone to know. I was convinced that my parents would send me to a home for crazy kids. That if anyone knew, it would confirm that I was IN FACT a weirdo. I suffered. I suffered needlessly.

I did have some lifelines, however. I had a few good friends who made me laugh and were there for me. Some teachers whose kind words and faith in my abilities numbed some of my emptiness. Marching band saved my life. When I was there, I belonged to something. It took up so much of my time that it was a wonderful distraction. I was almost happy sometimes. My husband, who embraced my weirdness and didn't run away from my crazy emotions. These are things that kept me going. In spite of the darkness and emptiness there was a voice inside for me that told me to Keep going, some day things are going to be better. Was it God, my guardian angel, hope? I wasn't fully convinced but I did keep moving forward.

Depression is like standing in a room full of people and screaming for help at the top of your lungs and no one can hear you. It's like going through life with a snake wrapped around you - slowly squeezing the life out of your body. It's like being a balloon that someone let go of that is floating away from the earth.

I left home and moved to Oklahoma 10 days before I was supposed to graduate from high school. I didn't care about walking in graduation. I didn't care about anything. I gave the school the forwarding address to send my diploma and I left. I was going to get married that month.

A few days after I had gotten out there, I dropped my husband off at work (we only had one car) and I spent the day unpacking boxes and setting things up in our tiny apartment. I went to pick him up from work that afternoon and I parked in the lot and waited. It was hot and dreary that day. It began to rain. I listened to the rain beat down on the roof and I thought it would be refreshing to feel to the rain on my body. It was a hot day.

I got out of the car and leaned against the hood and let it rain on me. The rain was warm and it was like I could feel every drop on my skin. In that moment a switch flipped inside of me. This is what it's like to be alive. I laughed.

My husband ran out to the car and I got in the passengers seat. I was dripping wet and laughing. "What are you doing ? Everyone in the office told me you were standing out in the rain and now they think you are crazy." I smiled at him. "NO. I'm standing in the rain because I'm NOT crazy," I said excited. He was like:
                                 
That was the day that I decided that I wanted to live.

It was the strangest thing. Suddenly, there was quiet inside of myself. It was like the fog lifted and I saw everything for the first time. I would look at the sky and think The sky is so blue! Has it always been this blue? I was living and it was the most wonderful, beautiful feeling in the world. I wanted to do all the things - smell the flowers, feel the grass on my toes, laugh in public, travel the world..... I had so much lost time to make up for.

Even to this day, I will sometimes cry and be overcome with emotion because I am so GRATEFUL to be alive and I never in my wildest dreams imagined that my life could be this good.

I don't think you ever recover from depression. Depression is like herpes, once you have it, it's yours for life. I did experience mild depression after the death of my grandfather, after we moved to Indianapolis and in 2014 due to stressful work circumstances. I was concerned when I was pregnant because I knew I was high risk for postpartum depression but I did great. Motherhood healed me in SO many ways.

I do still have anxiety sometimes but VERY infrequently and I do have 1-2 panic attacks a year. They do not interfere with my life and I have done well.

I will always be at risk and I know that. There are times when I can feel it creeping in. My depression and anxiety is like an old friend that you don't talk to anymore that shows up at your house every few years and is like, "Hey girl! It's been a while. Let's have coffee and talk about what a horrible person you are and all your life regrets; then we can make a list of everything that can go wrong!" And I'm like,

                         
I choose happiness. That means that I take care of myself. If I need to nap, I nap. If I am stressed, I'll let my house be dirty and I get a massage. I watch movies and shows that make me laugh. I don't spend time with people who are toxic and make me feel less than. I don't read upsetting news articles. I listen to music that I can dance to in my living room. I do things and surround myself with people that make me feel good. If I need medication, I take medication.

I still think I am not like everyone else. I am a weirdo. I'm a strange bird, that cannot be denied. But you know what? That's what makes me ME. I've accepted who I am and I love myself. When people don't like me I think, I can't believe you are willing to miss out on this awesomeness! 

Because I am so open with my own struggles with my mental health issues, other people confide in me as well. There are SO many people out there JUST LIKE me. I think the silver lining is that my experience has definitely made me a better person, it's made me kinder and I judge NO ONE because you don't know what other people are going through. Being a human is hard. We are all on this journey together. It is easy for no one, some of us just do a better job of hiding our demons.

Because I struggled so much in my adolescence, I am hyper vigilant about my children. There is definitely a family history so they are at risk. We all see a therapist periodically and I try to tell them all the things that I wish someone would have told me. Lots of cliches. Things you'll hear at my house:
"Lot's of kids your age feel that way."
"Being a human is hard."
"Be kind, you never know what other people are going through."
"You have made it through every hard day you've ever hard."
"It's a bad day, not a bad life."
"You are not alone."
"You are smart and beautiful and mom and dad love you no matter what."

I speak these things like a mantra. One of my daughter's friends came over a few weeks ago and we were all chatting in the car and her friend was talking about how she feels like she doesn't fit in. My daughter was like, "ALL of us feel like that. You are smart and an awesome person and everyone loves you." I smiled. Maybe she is listening. Maybe the kids will be alright.

This week started as usual. It was busy. I picked up my daughter on Tuesday from marching band and then we attended a band boosters meeting. We live the band and gymnastics life at all times.

We didn't get home until late. We were finishing up dinner and my daughter's phone pinged. I glanced over at her and I, as long as I live, will never forget the look of brokenness on her face. She told me that one of the marching band kids committed suicide.

She sobbed, friends called and they sobbed together. She took a hot shower and then we laid in bed together. She was so heart broken. We talked about life and we cried together. "All you can do is pray and be kind," I told her. It was getting late, she had the PSAT to take in the morning. She was emotionally exhausted. I tucked her in and kissed the top of her head.

I went to bed too. A few minutes later she walked in. "Can I sleep with you guys tonight?" she asked. "Of course," I told her. She climbed in between my husband and I and rested her head on my shoulder and fell right asleep. I watched her sleep for a long time that night.

This world is not fair to these teenagers. It's so hard to grow up today. The academic pressure is suffocating. Social media is so damaging because everyone shows the good parts of their lives, the parts they want others to see. It makes kids feel isolated, lonely and left out. They are forced to grow up so quickly. My sweet little girl has experienced so much loss this year.

But, if there is one thing that I have learned in my life, it is that it goes on. The world may be permanently changed and we may be broken but the sun will come up every day, we will breathe in and breathe out and the living will go on living. We too will get through this.

If you are struggling with mental illness, know that you are not alone. Know that it's okay to not be okay. Tell someone. People care more than you will ever know.

Losing Weight

I have been living in crazy- middle-school-mom hell-the past few weeks. It's been so darn busy. Do I always say that? Have I been saying that for years?

I mentioned previously that I had some health problems this summer. I've been having gallbladder-like attacks for the past 14 years. They are infrequent- about once every 3 months and they last about 45 minutes. I think I'm going to die, but I don't and then I go on with life. I never went to the doctor about them because I'm terrible and never go to the doctor.

I had an attack in July that lasted 3 hours before I finally broke down and went to the ER. I saw a GI specialist. They thought I had gall stones but my scans and ultrasounds came back fine. I was tested for celiac which was negative. I could be having esophageal spasms but they are hard to diagnose and they want me to be on anti-spasmatics and PPIs daily.
                                    
I'm 33 years old. I am not taking medicine daily for a non-life threatening condition. I'm a terrible patient.

Because I've had this issue since forever, I know certain foods can trigger it and I am more likely to get them if I eat really large meals. So, I decided I am going to make some lifestyle changes.

I know what I should be eating. I studied human nutrition in college, I did nutrition counseling for a living even.  Therefore, when I make poor eating choices, I do that with full knowledge that I'm making a bad decision. I'll eat something and be like, This has soooo much sodium. It's so bad that it's good....

My last attack gave me an aversion to food, so cutting my portions has been easy. I also decided to limit carbs and sugar and go to the gym 3 days a week. I always go once a week, so that wasn't new.

For the past 2 years I have gained and lost the same 5 pounds. I go between 129-134. I did gain some weight in Italy so I was almost up to 136. I don't think I look bad at 136 at all but I think my ideal weight is 126.

The day I decided to get my sh*t together with my diet, I laid in bed with my husband and told him my plans.
"I'm going to eat healthier and lose some weight."
"What do you want to get down to?"
"I think my ideal weight is 126," I said.
He paused, "No. I would say it's like, 123."
              
I didn't even realize that this man still had standards. "You like me skinny?"
"I think you look fine however. I just think your IDEAL weight is 123."

In his defense, I did weigh under 100 pounds when we got married. I was also an adolescent so I don't think that can be used as a baseline.

We decided to play a game. You should play this with your spouse- it's eye opening. We google imaged "good looking women" and scrolled through and he had to say "yes" or "no" to whether or not he found the body type attractive. I was shocked. I always assumed my husband liked this:


But really he likes this:


I was really surprised. So, then it was my turn. We googled "good looking men."

My husband assumed I'd go for this:



But this is what I really like:

        
I'm not into muscles. I like beards, bald heads, and strong arms and shoulders. Basically, if my husband lost 50-60 pounds. I don't like pretty boys. I like a MANS man. A guy with a beard, who smells like Old Spice and shaving cream, who has a great sense of humor, a decent job and enjoys sitting on the couch eating pizza and watching movies. A guy who could wrestle a bear and chop wood and keep me warm at night. Basically, Grizzly Adams. My type is Grizzly Adams.
                              
So, we both learned a lot about each other. Mostly, that my husband has very high standards and that I have very low standards.

He said that he was going to lose 60 pounds and I was going to lose 12. So we embarked on this adventure. I did really well. I really was not that hungry and had few cravings.

I didn't totally restrict. If I wanted half a doughnut, I'd eat half a doughnut. I mean, what is life without food?

I did go to the gym more. I hate to exercise. Hate it, but I did it. I'm not a gym rat. I only will do 45 minutes. I do 15 minutes of weight lifting and 30 minutes of cardio. That's my limit. The gym is the funniest.

I'll always be on the elliptical, with my jiggly mom butt, sweating, looking like a hot mess and some 22 year old will show up and get on the machine next to me like:
                    
Really? Come on. Do you have to be next to ME? Look, you're cute but I'm not impressed. You're 22-of course you look good. All of your body parts are still in their original location. Now if you gain and lose 50 pounds a few times and push some human beings out of your vagina and you still look that good - THEN I'll be impressed.

I didn't even look good when I was 22. I'd just given birth to my second child. I existed on a diet of sleep deprivation, leftover mac and cheese, and quiet desperation. This is as good as it gets for me.

I also like watching buff men lift weights. There is always a group of them standing around chatting as they take turns on the weight bench. I imagine that they are bragging to each other about how big their balls are:
My balls are so big. Like, as big as my biceps. 
Well, mine are definitely bigger. Like two apples- Granny Smith apples.
No way - mine are the biggest.

It makes me giggle. I have to entertain myself somehow while I'm running. That's what it's like to live inside my head, in case you were wondering. haha.

Once I got on a roll, the weight came off pretty quickly. I got down to 122. That is the lowest I'm willing to go. If I lose 1 more pound I'm going to be looking gross.

I've been on maintenance for about 10 days. I was so excited to eat carbs again. Not a lot, just some. My body has decided that I can't eat anything unhealthy. Seriously, it sucks. My body is like, Do you know what would go good with that cheeseburger? Diarrhea. 

So, I'm eating avocados and nuts to boost my calories. BORING. I'd rather be eating bread and cheesecake. Whatever. They say nothing tastes as good as skinny feels but that's bullsh*t. Whoever said that never ate lasagna in Florence.