A Snake In The Grass

Yesterday we were in the car and my kindergartener said, “Mom, Emily told me a bad story at school.”

I'm like, “Well, what did she say?”

“There was a little boy and he wanted to take a shower with his mom and she said, 'Okay, but you can't look up and you can't look down.' But he did look and and he said, 'Mom, what are those' and she said,

'Headlights'. Then he looked down and said 'Mom, what is that?' and she said, 'Some grass.' Then he wanted to take a shower with his dad. He said, 'Okay, but you can't look down' but he did and said, 'What is that?' and the dad said 'That is my snake.'” Then she giggled. Really?

I knew where this was going. We told the same story when we were kids except that it was head lights, a garage and dad had a car and then a few days later the kid saw the dad park his car in the garage accidentally. After 20 years, the same story is being told. It's like perverted oral tradition – our modern Iliad, so to speak.

She she's telling me this and the whole time I'm thinking “What the Eff?” Why is my poor child being polluted by this garbage? Then she told me that Emily told this story to 6 other girls. I'm sure all their parents will be so enthused.

We used it as a teaching moment and we talked about what is appropriate and not appropriate to talk about at school and how kids shouldn't be taking showers with their parents. I try to be very informative and not freaked out when my kids ask me questions about things (or tell me dirty jokes, incidentally). I don't want them to feel like they are making me uncomfortable because then I don't think they will tell me things and will become full of misinformation. 

But truth be told, it makes me super uncomfortable on the inside. I always thought that I would be so cool about it because you know, reproduction is part of nature. I am an open person but when a five year old asks what a tampon is - like, how do you not want to craw under a rock to avoid that conversation? My kids do know where babies come from but they haven't asked how the baby gets in there. I haven't had to discuss the mechanics of the whole thing. I know that day is coming in my near future with a soon to be third grader. I'll just tell her that when a man and woman love each other very much, he takes this snake and......