Causing Death

I have been feeling blue this week. For some unknown reason. On Monday, I picked the kids up from school and asked about their day, what they had for homework, what they ate for lunch. I interrogate them pretty much. My 3rd grader said, "I have to study my vocabulary words." "Tell me what words you have." She thought for a moment, "Fatal. F-A-T-A-L. Causing death." I was taken aback when she said it. She said it in a very Children-of-the-Corn type of manner. Causing death....how depressing. Next week perhaps the vocab words will be funeral, melancholy and traumatic brain injury.

On Wednesday I had Anatomy class and the professor used to be a nurse in the hospital and this class is pretty much an hour and a half of horrible things that can happen to X part of the body. The 24 year old who became a paraplegic after diving in shallow water, the 16 year old who died in a car accident when her "cranial cavity" was smashed, the person with bed sores down to the bone. Definitely did not lighten my mood.

I got home and later that evening my dad came over all sullen and dejected looking. He sat down and said, "I had to put Baby Cat down." My dad's cat had this tumor in this throat that was growing and blocking his airway. It was time. The sad thing is that his dog was put down just a few months ago. Molly was ancient but she was a good dog. My dad pretty much lost 1/2 his household in 3 months. I feel so bad for him. He should just move in with us so we can hang out and be awesome together. The kids were asleep so my husband and I decided that we would tell them in the morning. We live 1/2 a mile from my dad so my kids spend a lot of time with the animals. They are like our animals too.

In the morning we sat down together to eat breakfast and we told the kids about Baby cat. My 6 year old cried. My 8 year old said, "What is this? The year of death?" I shot her a very ominous look. She rolled her eyes at me. "I mean for animals." She asked me what happened. Never being the one to pass up a good learning opportunity I said, "His tumor was fatal." She gave me a dirty look. "This is NOT a good time for spelling words." Bad mom award. We hugged and it was okay.

In the car my 6 year old said, "I am not sad for Baby cat." I said, "Why is that?" "Because he is in heaven with Molly and now Molly will not be lonely and will have someone to play with." So sweet.

I want my kids to always see the silver lining. To remember that life goes on. We count our blessings everyday and do our best not to take each other for granted. Life is much to short.

Can You Hear Me Now?

I took the kids to their well check on the 16th. It was pretty standard. They are growing beautifully and got a clean bill of health. Their hearts are still beating and all of that good stuff. The doctor told me that I "need to do a better job with the sunscreen" because my "girls are really brown." I looked at her and said, "Well, they are always pretty brown because they are Hispanic." "But you are so fair complected..." Lady, this was not a virgin birth. "I am white and my husband is Puerto Rican." She looked kind of embarrassed that she commented on the "brown" skin of my kids but it's all good. I'm not a hater. We are trying to get some minority scholarships. Anyway, I left the office feeling good that my kids are doing well.

I get into the office on the following Tuesday morning and I had a voice mail from the pediatric office, "Your referral to the ENT for C has been accepted and she has an appointment scheduled for 3:15 pm." WTF? Why would she need to go to the ENT? I called the office and left a message asking why my daughter needed a referral. This bee-otch lady called me back and had an attitude with me, "Well, she needs to go because she failed her hearing test." She said it as if I was a big idiot and I should have known. I almost lost it on this lady. "Well, the physician did not tell me there was an issue when I was in the office with her. It would be nice to know these things." I set down the phone and was kind of devastated.

My poor baby has a hard time hearing and I didn't know? What kind of a mother doesn't recognize that their kid is having hearing problems? Do I yell too much? I should not have let her listen to the mp3 player with headphones. Can she hear the teacher? A million things raced through my mind. I was so anxious all day. I just wanted to get there and find out what was going on.

I picked up the kids early and she looked at me suspiciously. "We are going to the doctor." "Why?" I smiled at her, "Because they found an elephant in your ear." She looked at me annoyed. "They said you failed your hearing test. Do you have a hard time hearing people?" She thought for a minute, "No - but can I have a treat because I have to go to the doctors?" Typical. My 6 year old got really excited, "Me too!"

We got to the office and waited forever. I wanted to adopt out my youngest child because laid underneath the bench in the waiting room and refused to come out. I was so irritated. Finally the audiologist called us back and he asked my daughter a lot of questions about school and how she hears things. Then he put her in this sound proof box to do all these tests. My youngest and I weren't allowed to watch because that could have distracted her. My youngest kept going over to the hearing aids and looking at them and looking back at me. Waiting for the moment I turned my head so she could play with them them. This was me:

Then she climbed from chair to chair like a monkey. It was horrible. 

Anyway, the audiologist is going through a series of tests and pushing buttons and he said, "Your child has razor sharp hearing...." then he paused and started pushing some more buttons. "Hmmmm....that's odd." He was playing with his little machine. I was kind of freaked out. What is odd? He took off his head phones and took her out of the box. He sat us down. "Your daughter has hearing loss in her right ear. He hearing is razor sharp BUT in her right ear there is one frequency that she can't hear." What does that mean? "Do you think it was from trauma or too loud sounds?" He said that it wasn't and that it is so mild that she probably never even noticed it. He said that while not rare, it wasn't common to have the type of hearing loss that she has. He said it probably was genetic. So now we will go every year to make sure her hearing remains stable and doesn't get worse. If it gets worse over time then a hearing aid would be an option. Then he was talking about old people with hearing loss getting depressed. :( I don't want my kid to be a depressed old lady someday. So for now we just watch and monitor. 

Later that night I pulled up a news story on the internet. I turned it up because I couldn't hear it. My daughter looked at me and said, "YOU are the one that can't hear - not me!" hahaha. It probably IS my s**tty genes. Oh well, you get what you get.

Reunion Time

I have this rule that I only go to New Jersey for weddings and funerals. Okay, I guess it's not a rule but it's how things have turned out to be. I am breaking my own rule on Friday when I fly up for my high school reunion.

I was not popular in high school but I wasn't lame either. I was one of those in-between girls. Which was a good thing - not too much pressure. I did all the quintessential high-school things. I went to prom, in the marching band, wrote for the school newspaper and literary magazine. I was a good student. I didn't drink or   misbehave. I did cut last period one time with my friend Josh when I was a junior. We went to Wendy's to eat spicy chicken sandwiches and then to the Salvation Army to try on ridiculous clothes and laugh. Yeah, we were rebels.

I had some great friends when I was in school. I really grew up with some talented and brilliant people. I have pretty much kept in touch with 0 of them. I moved far away and then "life" just kind of happened to me.   I feel like I have blinked my eyes and here I am 10 years later. I remember everyone so vividly that it feels like no time has passed at all. I am excited to see everyone - people I knew as children, not just high school. We experienced the most awkward time of our lives together. It's so weird being in high school because you have this new, weird adult body but you're still really a kid and have little autonomy. I remember being very insecure and always wondering if I was pretty enough, or smart enough, or good enough. This was how I perceived high school:

 One day when I was 16 or 17 I had this epiphany that everyone else was as insecure as I was and then I stopped worrying so much.

So now, here I am 10 years later and I have been reflecting on the past decade. What exactly have I been up to for 10 years? I have lived in 5 different states, I got married, had some children, finished college, started a career. The past 5 years have been pretty identical. That's probably why I don't keep in touch with people. "So, what's new with you?" Me: "Just doing the same s**t I was doing last year." My job is kind of different and interesting but in general I am kind of boring. I haven't run with the bulls or backpacked through Europe or camped in a tree in protest. I have grown two human beings inside of my body, which is not uncommon but I still think it's kind of miraculous. I work with the community and have a love and passion for helping others. I am a wife, a mother, an educator. It's a simple life but it has been such a good one. I have been really blessed.

I have changed a lot. I am a much curvier version of myself. I am much more laid back. I have adult onset acne (how I long for the clear, teenage skin), I have some fine lines on my face. I don't write poetry anymore, which is sad. I enjoyed doing that in high school. I'm just not that deep or troubled anymore. :) Unless you count Haiku:
                                                            Up again at five
                                                       Forgot to do the dishes
                                                        No milk for breakfast

Anyway, I am excited for the reunion. A trip to NJ means not taking care of children and eating Wawa all weekend with my brother. Just like the old times.

Back to School

The kids went back to school yesterday. They are in first and third grade. I remarked to my husband, "I can't believe that we have a third grader - I feel like I was just in the third grade." He didn't even look up, "That's because you're a weirdo." 

I have been really excited about the kids starting school. For some reason I usually decide that I am going to put little effort into parenting in the summertime and I let my kids eats popsicles before dinner, watch hours of mindless TV, go to bed whenever they want, wander the yard in barefeet, forget to remind them to brush their teeth.... the list of my mediocre parenting in the summer really could just go on and on. We did make sure the kids read enough pages for their summer reading log so only 1/2 of their brain has turned to mush instead of the whole thing. :/

When I was a kid, I was so excited for the first day of school that I would wake up at dawn and get dressed and count my pencils and pack up my super-awesome Trapper Keeper. My kids are not me and they wanted to stay in bed yesterday morning. Back to reality! They finally did get up and got dressed and then they got a little excited. 

We sat down to eat breakfast and I had a conversation with my third grader. "So, would you like to kiss me and give me a hug here before we get to the car or do you want to do that at school?" She thought for a moment. "I will hug you goodbye at school but only right after we get out of the car- in the parking lot." That seemed fair. She continued, "I don't want you to walk me to my class today because I am too old for that and I know where I am going." I was a little sad about that because I wanted to watch her walk into her classroom. My youngest must have sensed my disappointment because she hugged me at that moment and looked up at me and said, "You can come to my classroom and I will kiss you." 

The car line was long and it was a little chaotic but drop off went well. My 8 year old waved to me and confidently strolled down the third grade hallway. My 6 year old hugged me but was not sad to see me go. 

I air outside was cooler than usual and I sighed to myself. I had this sense of calm. I do not worry so much about my children. They are such smart, confident kids that are easy to love. They will have a great school year, no doubt!

The Bedtime Routine

Bedtime is usually pretty easy in my house. My kids are old enough now to know that resistance is futile. So they cooperate- most of the time. We divide and conquer. I make sure the kids pick out their PJs and shower and my husband is the over-seer of the teeth brushing. One of us reads to the 6 year old and the 8 year old usually reads a novel. Then we lay and bed and talk for a few minutes and leave the room. Last night it did not go so smoothly.

I initiated the bedtime routine a 1/2 hour later than I should have. My 6 year old was being a complete you-know-what. "It's time to get in the shower." "I want to take a bath." Baths in my house are not just baths, they are 2 hour events that involve Barbie dolls and goggles and the kids asking for cups and spoons to make "soup". At 8:00, it was much too late for a bath night. "Not tonight, it's too late - get into the shower." She looked at me, "I am not taking a shower." Fudge! This is when I bring in the back ups. The kids will say "no" to me but when I get dad involved, they get their act together quick. He can just look at them and they will do it. I looked to my husband but he was on the phone with a co-worker talking about routers and power cycling and some other bulls**t. He was not able to lay down the law at that moment. "Take off your clothes and get in the shower - now." "NO!" Then I turned into this:

"YOU WILL GET IN THE SHOWER!!!!!!!!!!" I picked her up and put her over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes and went into the bathroom. I turned on the shower. I began to take off her dirty clothes and she turned herself into a limp noodle. Typical. Then I picked her up to put her in the shower and she was holding onto the sides of the door. It is taking every shred of energy I had in my body to get her into the shower. I am a tiny 5 foot tall 120 pound woman. I was worn out. I finally got her in, but not without my hair getting wet. As soon as she hit the water she sat down and shot me daggers. "WASH YOUR BODY AND YOUR HAIR!" I shut the shower door. For 10 minutes I suffered from PTSD from that battle.

I had some time to calm down and after 20 minutes she emerged from the shower happy as can be. "Put on your pajamas, brush your teeth and go to your room - I'll wait for you." I went into her room and I figured that I would pick out a book tonight. We have literally hundreds of kids books yet some how my kids always pick out books that I hate or are too long. So I picked out the Velveteen Rabbit. Not a light hearted pick, but a classic. I laid in her bed with the book and I tried not to fall asleep.

She came in ready for bed and said to me, "I hate that book. Can I pick one?" Typical. :) I gave her the book to put back and I watch her walk over the the bookcase. "Don't look," she says. I close my eyes. "Just face the wall." Really? She rolls her eyes, "Mommy, just do it." I turn around and after a few minutes I hear the pitter patter of her feet on the carpet. She hands me a book. The Grinch that Stole Christmas. A very appropriate read for a muggy August evening. She curled into bed next to me and I held up the book. "Look, they put a picture of your father on the cover!"

We giggled. I read the book. She tells me that Cindy Loo-Who is cute and we get to the part where the Whos are singing after the Grinch steals their stuff. She turns to me and says, "Christmas is not about presents. It is for love and family and thanking God for our family and for Jesus." Awwwww - that comment negated all the annoying things she did the past hour. So cute. Then I got to the end where he carves the roast beast. "Mom, it's roast beeF." "No, it actually says roast beast." "Roast beeF." "Well, actually if you look at the word there is an "st" at the end of it because the word is beast." "IT"S BEEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Okay - it's beef. Then I kissed my little dictator and told her I loved her and wished her a good night!

Girl Songs

I feel like I have a good taste in music. I grew up listening to the Beatles, Rolling Stones, Led Zepplin, Rush...my dad exposed us to an awesome amount of classic rock. I like some pop and rap and a fair amount of indie. When I had kids I gave up my love for good music and purchased a variety of children's music. The Wiggles, the Ditty Bops, Dan Zane, Raffi, and a variety of other classic children collections. For the past 7 years my house and car has been inundated s**t like this:

The problem with kids songs is that they stick in your head FOREVER. For instance, when the kids are with me and I see a banana, my natural reaction is to put it up to my ear and start singing Raffi's "Banana Phone." This week I caught myself singing the Wiggles classic "Fruit Salad, Yummy Yummy" as I sliced kiwi. My husband and I sometimes breakout spontaneously into "Joshua Giraffe." We pretty much have no dignity.

I have kept a fair amount of children's CDs in my car and every morning I would get in and hope that my kids are oblivious to the fact that I am enjoying grown-up music on my radio. "Put on a kids song, mom." Their favorite is this classic kid CD that sounds like it was recorded in someone's basement with a Casio keyboard circa 1991. The first song on the CD is "The Wheels on the Bus". They often request to hear it again when it is done....and again. The song is 1:14 long so I would hear it like 8 flippin times before they were dropped off at school. Made me want to drive myself into a telephone pole. I assumed they would outgrow this music after preschool but I was so wrong. Sometimes they would let me hear more than the first song and on those days I was almost grateful for Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

After 7 years of this, I had just had enough, one morning I flipped out this past May. I couldn't take it anymore. I dropped the kids off and when I got to work I took the kids CDs into my office and they now live in my desk hutch. I was going to throw them away but I felt kind of guilty about it. So I picked them up that day and they requested a kids song and I pretended to look for the CDs and I was like, "Oh my God! They're gone!" I just acted like I didn't know what happened to them. "Put in that red CD." Christmas music. We listened to Jingle Bells that afternoon in May. The next day I brought the Christmas music to work to live in my hutch.

So now we listen to the radio and my kids-  most of the time- are agreeable. They like Mumford and Sons, The Talking Heads, a fair amount of age-appropriate pop. I have noticed however that women are under-represented in the music world. My kids are agreeable MOST of the time but there are the dreaded days where my youngest will say, "Put on a girl song." It can't be a song about a girl, it needs to be a song being sung by a girl . Not just any song being sung by a girl, it needs to be up to her standards. I will flip through the stations and usually 90% of the songs are being sung by males. Usually I can find one that is acceptable. But sometimes I can't. Sometimes there are commercials. I get berated and whined at. "There are no girl songs, pick something else." "But I want a girl song." "But there are no girl songs." "But I want one." "YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT. THIS IS A LIFE LESSON!!!!!!!" Then she usually is quiet.

God forbid a song comes on that she really likes. "Mom, put on that song again." "I can't sweetie, it's the radio." She looks at me like I am a liar. "You're mean." FML.

               

       

Humping

So today was any other typical Tuesday evening. We were on our way home from Moe's night and we were having a nice time and then my eight year old asks me out of the blue, "Mom, do you know what humping is?" Holy crapballs. I wasn't prepared for that one. "Of course, that's my area of expertise." Just kidding, I didn't say that. I said, "What do you think it is?" She said, "It means s-e-x." She spelled it. *Sigh* My youngest was oblivious to the conversation (thankfully). So I said, "When we get home, let's talk about it."

So the rest of the way home I am trying to come up with a game plan. I decided I was going to figure out where this was coming from and then talk about the facts. When we got home I put my youngest in the shower and I sat down and said, "So, tell me again what humping means?" "S-e-x." I took a deep breath, "Do you know what word that spells?" "Sex." "What is sex? Where did you hear about it?" She went on and said some friends from school were talking it and it was a secret. I said, "What is sex?" She shrugged. I asked if her friends knew what it meant. She said that she didn't think so. I said, "Do you remember how we talked about the sperm from a man that joins together with an egg from a women to make a baby? That's what happens when a man and a women have sex." She thought for a minute and asked, "Well, how exactly do they do it?" Oh God. "Well, when a man and a woman get married and they love each other very much a man puts his penis into his wife's vagina and that is how the sperm gets to the egg." I can't believe I said it with a straight face. My daughters eyes got big and she said, "Really?" Then she had a long pause and said, "You mean, you and dad had sex?" I was not wanting to even go there and kind of wanted to jump off the roof and run away at that point but I didn't and I said, "Well, we love each other very much, so yes." She crinkled her nose and said, "That's gross and kind of weird." I agree. Parents doing IT is a pretty disgusting proposition. Then she said, "So, when did you do it?" I was pretty much done with the questions at that point and this one was pretty loaded in my opinion - so I lied. "When I married your father." "You were 18 when you got married, so you were 18?" "Yes." So then I said, "Do you have any other questions?" She said no and she seemed at ease. I said to her, "You know, you are going to hear a lot of things about sex from friends at school and music and TV and you will probably have a lot more questions about sex as you get older and when you do we can talk about it together and you can ask me ANYTHING you want, don't be embarrassed. It is normal to have questions about stuff you don't know about. BUT PLEASE, don't talk about this stuff to your sister because that is going to be my job in a few years. Deal?" She gave me a high five. "Deal."

I think I did a fairly good job considering I was kind of put on the spot. Sex is everywhere. In TV, music, at school (from older siblings and upperclassmen). Sex is everywhere and everyone is doing it but nobody talks about it. Kids/teens are conditioned to think it's this dirty, secretive, mystical thing and I want my kids to not feel that way about it. I want them- as they become adults, to view sex as a special and wonderful event that should not be shared recklessly. That it is a normal part of being a human and being in a monogamous relationship. I am glad that at 8 my daughter can ask me about sex and not be embarrassed and we can talk about it and have a running conversation. I hope that she can do the same when she is 10,12,16,18..... I hope it get easier and less awkward. We'll see about that. What I do know is that the next time my husband gives me the "eyes" I'm going to tell him that "That's gross and kind of weird." :)

Uranus

                                                  Uranus, not to be confused with your anus.

  My eight year old loves science. She is interested in ecology, plants, anatomy, weather and nature. The kid asked for owl pellets to dissect when she was 5 years old. Science is her thing. For her birthday she got a solar system model which she was really excited about. We have been talking about the planets and my husband was showing her NASA TV and it is interactive and you can click on the planets and stars and you can learn about them. She was LOVING it.

Last night I asked her what her favorite planet is. "I really like Mercury because it is small and looks like popcorn." The she paused, "But I wish it was called Uranus." "Why?" "Because it is my favorite planet NAME. It is really funny. Get it, Ur-anus. I think they call it that because it must look like somebody's anus." I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. There is never a dull moment with my girls!

Attack of the Mom Brain

Today I was having lunch with some co-workers and I am standing there looking at the menu when I let out a huge *GASP*. Holy crap! I forgot my purse. Except I didn't really. It was on my shoulder the entire time. I just thought I didn't have it because it was not directly in front of me. I do crap like this all the time. It's because of my mom brain. When I gave birth to my children all of my brain cells melted and went straight into my breastmilk and then out of my body. I am now left with this:

                                             

     I feel like I had much better mental clarity before I had children. I don't know if it was the years of sleep deprivation or too many hours of Nick Jr or days without sitting that caused my brain to not function correctly but has never returned. I am apt to lose my car in the parking lot (where did I park again...), realize that my skirt is inside out when I get to work, put the milk in the cabinet instead of the refrigerator, frantically call out for my child when she is standing right behind me, cry when I can't find my keys and realize that I put them on top of the car before I buckled the kids in.......What the heck? I am a somewhat intelligent person but my short term memory is all shot to hell. This will come advantage to the children later on. "Let's go to the mall." "But we're grounded." "She'll forget about that within the next half hour....."

I feel like my mom brain has also caused my personality to change. Like I am amused by the most unamusing, inane things. In the way that drunk people are. For instance, last night my daughter came up to me and said, "Mom, what's a mummy's favorite type of music?" "Wrap." I laughed. Hysterically. My husband looked at me like I was out of my mind. I am out of my mind. It's all mush in there.

It least I can blame it on the strange things I do. Like next time he catches me eating a Skittle off the kitchen floor I will say, "I forgot that was socially unacceptable - it's my mom brain you know...."