Boyfriends

                            
My daughter had a friend sleep over last night. Are you starting to see a pattern? We always have extra kids. I was buried under a pile of work and let them play while I was in the kitchen on the computer. I walked in and they were talking about boys. I was ease dropping. My daughter said, "Yeah, me and A have boyfriends." "Who?" They told me who. "What does that mean? Do you hold hands at camp?" They looked at me like I had 3 heads. "No. It just means we like each other and we hang out and each lunch together." Whatever. I would expect this out of my 6 year old. That child is boy crazy but not my oldest. She doesn't have Bieber fever, she never mentions boys, doesn't hang out with boys. I was taken off guard. She is one of the youngest in her grade. A lot of her friends will be turning 10 within the next 4-5 months, so it makes sense I guess. I was boy crazy at that age. Although, I never had a boyfriend. But only because no boys liked me. I did have a boyfriend in my head though - Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

I loved him. JTT was MY man. I was 9-10 and had posters of him plastered on my wall. I slept on the top bunk and had a poster of him taped to the ceiling. It was JTT laying in a pile of stuffed animals. Haha. We would gaze into each others eyes every night.
                                                    
I had this fantasy about him. A fourth grader fantasy - so G-rated. In this fantasy, my parents took us to California to watch a live taping of Home Improvement and he would see me in the audience and be astounded by my beauty and invite me to live in his house. In my fantasy, 11 year old Jonathan Taylor Thomas lived alone in his own house and my parents agreed to let me live there too. We would do things like eat Fruit Roll Ups together and watch TV and we would jump on his trampoline in the backyard together; because I thought that only rich people had trampolines. Me and JTT were going to be together one day. I was sure of it.

BUT - I don't want MY daughters to like boys ever. I don't care if they only eat lunch together. There are so many other things to do then worry about boys and if they like you or not. It changes so quickly. I am young and I remember those days so vividly, it seems nearly impossible that I have a child who is going into the 4th grade and pairing up at summer camp. So we talked about it and I was not encouraging but not discouraging either. I was very matter of fact about it, but inside, for some reason, I could feel the knife turning.

That night, my husband and I laid together in bed and I let it out. "You know C has a boyfriend?" He laughed. "It's D. They "like" each other and her friend has a "boyfriend" too." He shrugged it off and didn't seem bothered. I asked, "What age do boys start having raging hormones?" I should know this because I have been extremely puberty-obsessed the past 6 months. "I don't know, 9, 10, 12?" What? Kill me now. I was very upset. "She's in 4th grade now, but in 5th grade kids hold hands, and in 6th and 7th grade they are tongue kissing and we all know that tongue kissing is a gateway drug for other things. You tongue kiss a boy and the next thing you know you have 2 kids and a never- ending pile of laundry. I don't like boys." My husband laughed, "Ok, femi-nazi. You could have just been a poet instead and never shaved your legs and hung out at Lilith Fair." I like poetry AND not shaving my legs AND Lilith Fair, so I was not insulted. It's not that I don't like boys. It's just that I don't like the future boys who are going to want to kiss my daughters. I especially don't like boys that my daughter will want to kiss someday. They hit a certain age and then all they care about it playing the piano with you and that's all they ever want to do for the rest of their life. She only really has 2 or 3 good years left and then the rest of her childhood will be spent fending off boys that want to play the piano. That makes me feel so sad inside. I only have 9 years left with her - in 9 years she will be an adult and I don't want to share her with boys. I want her to just want to hang out with me.

I was distracted by my melancholy, however, when my 6 year old started to randomly vomit this afternoon. It's hard to be upset out growing-up kids when you are performing regurgitation sanitation duties.

Nighttime Eviction

                       

I suffered from insomnia before I had children. I had such a hard time falling asleep, I would wake up in the middle of the night and just be up because my mind was racing. My kids were the best cure for my insomnia but somehow I still don't get good sleep. I have no trouble falling asleep. I close my eyes and I am done for the night. It's like someone unplugs me. Last night I crawled into bed and looked up at the clock and it was 8:31 pm. I thought, "Well, I made it past 8 tonight, I'm not a complete loser" and I am pretty sure I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.

My sleep was short lived, as it always is. I was awoken at 3 am by a head in the middle of my back, nudging me off. I was literally hanging off the bed. My 6 year old climbed into bed with us again. I pushed her in the other direction but then she stole the blankets and started head butting me again. I didn't have time to fight. I was way too tired. I didn't have enough energy to even go into her room. I grabbed a pillow and slithered off the bed and slept on the floor. I just fell asleep where I landed. That's okay - my 8 year old was next to me on the floor. That's her new thing, to come in and sleep on the floor next to the bed. She knows that it is socially unacceptable to climb in with us now that she is nearly as big as I am.

I don't really care that they sleep in my bed occasionally as a principle, they are just too damn big. Maybe if we had a California king or 3 mattresses on the floor it would be okay, but we don't. I am tired of being smushed but I can't come up with a good solution. I can't lock the door to my room because they sleep walk and I am neurotic and worry about an Elizabeth Smart type of situation. They are too old for a gate. I can't lock them in their room because that's not safe if there was a fire or something. I give up.

My kids never slept well. EVER. They were those babies that were up 3-4 times a night and when they were babies I just attributed it to the fact that they were nursing and never gave much thought to it. They never napped. They took 8 fifteen minute cat naps throughout the day. Then they were weaned and they still woke up at least one time a night. They both sleep walk. My husband was a sleep walker when he was a kid. It has been getting better the past few years but I still sleep lightly because it is not uncommon for them to wander. I found one of them going into my closet to use the bathroom once. My youngest occasionally has night terrors and will wake up screaming and you have to hold her tight and rock her until she falls back asleep. The doctor says she will outgrow those. Sometimes they wake up to use the bathroom and can't go back to sleep and will come in and want to talk to us. Because misery loves company. "Mom, I had to go pee and now I can't sleep. Can I watch a movie? Don't forget I need a check for my field trip." Seriously. I am mean when they do this. "I don't care about your trip, go to sleep."

I used to blame myself. I tried everything. Going to bed earlier, they don't drink caffeine, limiting sugar, sleepy time tea. We have a bedtime routine and they GO to sleep but they don't stay asleep. None of it has helped. I always hear about people that have 3 month olds that sleep 12 hours and I am always shocked and amazed. What am I doing wrong? Bad Mom Award. I surrendered myself to this many years ago. I am not resentful about it, I am not angry about it. It is what it is. They are just horrible sleepers - they get it from their father and I. It's our sh**ty genetics. It's not like I can blame them. I am just not going to get a good nights sleep until they grow up. That's just the way it is. Life is not fair. Deal with it.

One time after an especially long night, I told my daughter exasperated that I hadn't sleep well in 10 years. I count my first pregnancy because I would wake up nightly to vomit and by the time that went away she was kicking me in the bladder all night long. She shrugged and said, "Well, you had 20 years to sleep before."  But that is the irony - I didn't. I was an insomniac. I haven't slept well in 15-16 years. It just wasn't meant to me. Me and a good night's sleep will never be together.

This morning my husband and I discussed this over coffee. He said, "I can see the girls coming home from college, setting down their bags and saying, 'I'm home, sleeping in your guys bed tonight.'" Ugggh - Don't give them any ideas. I will try again tonight. I will fall asleep at an embarrassingly early hour and will inevitably be awoken by my children or my husband snoring loud enough to wake the dead. Praise God for coffee.

Disturbing

                                       
The other night we were sitting around reading and I was browsing a website that had funny jokes on it and I came across something that mentioned a urinal cake. I may be showing my ignorance here, but I did not know what a urinal cake was. I'm a woman with two daughters, I have no point of reference. I assumed this is not something that you eat, so I wanted to know. I asked my husband.

Me: Hey! What is a urinal cake?
Him: It's like 2,000 flushes but for a urinal.
Me: Where do they put it if there is no tank?
Him: In the bottom.
Me: So they make you pee in it?
Him: Yea.
Me: So do all urinals have cakes?
Him: No.

That was it. He answered all of my questions. I moved on. A few minutes later my daughter came up to me and looked disgusted and said, "That was very disturbing." "What?" "What you asked dad about." "Urinal cakes?" "Yeah, why do you always have to be gross?" First of all, I am not gross. Second of all, I am not disturbing. I am simply a person thirsty for knowledge. Knowledge about urinal cakes, but knowledge none the less. She was acting offended and embarrassed of me. I don't want her to think I'm "disturbed" or anything. Geez. She hurt my feelings.

The next day we were at the orthodontist office and we were waiting for him to come in and while we waited we played the "A My Name Is...." game. It's an alphabet game and you take turns. So I went, "A my name is Amy and my husbands name is Alfred, we live in Alabama and we sell apples." Then my 6 year old, "B my name is Bella and my husband's name is Bob, we will is Bootown (my kids always make up random places that don't exist in this game) and we sell bananas." This went on. My oldest had "U" and guess what she said her and her husband sold? That's right - urinal cakes. I told her that it was disturbing.

Marriage Part 2

                 
Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary. Another year has come and gone. The years pass with lightning fast speed. Eleven years have come and gone in what feels like a minute.

We met when I was 16, we worked at WaWa together. They made us take our lunch break together because we were minors. I'll never forget the day after we met, we were sitting in this tiny little break room eating lunch together and I was looking at him and I felt this weird feeling and I blurted out, "We will be married and have kids one day." I said it, out loud. And his 17 year old self looked at me like I was crazy and I felt embarrassed. There was some inventory of Sobe drinks in there with us and I said, "We can name our first child Sobe." I laughed, like I was making a joke. It was an odd thing to say, and I hated myself for saying it. I didn't even like him, I didn't even know this kid but I was tethered to him somehow. In that moment, only a day after we had met, I must have known. Consequently, when I was pregnant with our oldest daughter, I tried to convince him that we should have Sobe be her middle name to truly fulfill my revelation of that day. He shot me down on that one.

We became inseparable and then he left and joined the Army and in the months that ensued, it became very clear to me that I needed him in the same way that I needed air and food. Nothing was good when he was gone. The world was grey and I was profoundly sad. I would wait for the mailman to come everyday and when I saw those blue envelopes, for just 5 minutes in my day, I was happy. We decided we would get married and I started making plans. People don't generally get happy and excited for teenagers who are planning to get married but I didn't care. I was happy and excited. I worked after school and saved my money and purchased plates and towels and items I imagined I would need when we started our lives together.

I rented a big moving truck and drove cross country to our new home. Our first apartment was 350 square feet. I remember that because our rent was $1 per square foot a month. Haha. It was so tiny but it was OURS. We had a cow pasture in the backyard and it was beautiful. We moved in on a Saturday afternoon. I played my Boogie Nights soundtrack on CD and we started unpacking. "God Only Knows" came on and he took me by the hand and we danced together in our empty living room, between all the piles of boxes. We danced together and laughed and in that moment I believe I was the happiest I had ever been. I felt like everything would be okay.

I loved that little apartment. We were happy there. We spent the first years of our marriage playing house. We lived off of love and hope because Lord knows we didn't have any money. The children came and we became a family. We have had lots of surprises in 11 years - I'm excited to see what the next will bring!

Jerry Seinfeld on marriage

We have been attending a lot of weddings over the past few years. We are gearing up for another in 2 weeks. Everyone is getting hitched. Whenever we get a wedding invitation my husband and I pretty much have the same conversation.

Him (holding the invite): What is this? Two more people going and ruining their lives.
Me: You should probably call and tell them that they are making a horrible mistake.
Him: Nah. I'll let them figure it out for themselves. Do I have to go?
Me: Yes.
Him: Is there going to be alcohol?
Me: I'm sure.
Him: Okay, I'll go.

I have to laugh at this exchange because I think there is a thread of truth in it. Marriage is great but let's face it. It is not exciting. Being married is some boring ass stuff. It's not romantic and spontaneous. It can be at times but, in general, it's not. If you spend more Saturday nights in the grocery store and sorting socks instead of making whoopie - you are probably married. If you have never looked at your spouse and thought, "My God! I'm stuck with YOU the rest of my life", then you haven't been married long enough. It happens to the best of us. There is no mystery after you get married, you don't make as much of an effort to impress after a while. You don't just ride off into the sunset. I mean you do for a while, but then what?

Marriage is can be hard at times, especially when you have young children. I think back to when the kid's were babies and toddlers and we really were ships passing in the night. We spent so many years dedicating all of our time and effort into the children. When we weren't chasing kids, changing diapers, cleaning vomit and doing endless loads of laundry, we slept. We were exhausted and we didn't make enough time to connect. It's so easy to lose each other during that time. Now that the kids are getting a little bit older and can be left in a room alone for more than 5 minutes we actually spend time together again. It's been so nice. The past 2 years have been great, a good reminder of why we got married in the first place.

It takes work to stay connected. Falling in love is so easy, it's a chemical reaction that is temporary.  To fall in love is so wonderful - the electricity that runs through you every time you touch, the excitement and newness that makes you feel like everything in the entire world is wonderful, the infatuation and the passion. All of those things begin to fade over time and come again only in fleeting moments. That exciting, new love becomes replaced with a different kind of love. A mutual love and respect that is a choice. When we passed 10 years, that's when it hit me. That we had survived so much together and that we have truly become one. We are us, everything we have together is ours, we have been US for so long that it's who we are. He is a part of me in the same way my children are. We exist together.

I had dinner with friends and I remarked that in 7 years, I'll be married 1/2 my life
 and she said, "Wow, you are really thinking ahead." I thought that was a funny statement because of course, that is the plan. Seven years from now, 10 years, 20....I imagine us together dancing at our daughter's weddings, watching our grand kids. God willing. He is my past, present and future. We have worked so hard to get to this place.

I recently read this article about a couple who was married for 70 years and the wife talked about how they didn't have a perfect marriage and really struggled at times but were committed to sticking it out. I was very inspired. Our expectation of what marriage should be and what reality is often is conflicting. I just feel fortunate that most of our married years have been good so far. We will attend the weddings and give well wishes but we won't give marriage advice. We are ill-equipped to do so. We are pretty much flying by the seat of our pants - but we're doing it together.


                 

Gimmie, Gimmie

My kids have birthdays coming up next month and I am not throwing big parties or buying outrageous gifts this year. We are taking the kids to Great Wolf Lodge in NC for a weekend. They have indoor and outdoor water parks, we will take them to the kid spa. It's a pretty nice gift but will cost us less then 2 birthday parties would. Otherwise, they are getting pajamas and books and maybe one small gift. I think that's adequate. Well it's not, according to my 8 year old.

She has been bugging me about a banana seat bike for what seems like eons. She needs to get at least 2 years out of the bike we just purchased before that happens. We were sitting in the living room and she says, "Mom, I want a tablet for my birthday." "We already have an Ipad." She actually was playing on the Ipad when we had this conversation. "I want one of my own." Not this again. She actually had a small tablet last year that she got for Christmas and she was irresponsible with it and left it laying around and one of her friends jumped on it and cracked the screen. I am not doing that again. Maybe next year we can try again but not right now. "Well, right now is not a good time. We have a lot of stuff coming up this summer and ipads and very expensive." Her eyes began to well up, "Please, mama. Pleaseeeeeee......" "No. Don't ask me again." She shot daggers at me with her eyes, "I hate you." Then she began to sob.

You know what I thought? Good. She can hate me all day long, I am the wrong person to solicit sympathy from. I do not feel sorry for her about this issue. My kids act like they have it so hard. Last time I checked, they have never gone to bed hungry, they have 2 parents in their lives that adore them, they have friends, they have 10 fingers and toes, they get up every morning and can walk and talk, they enjoy the luxuries of fresh water and heat and air conditioning. Compared to most people in the world, they live like queens. One Ipad in the house is enough. If it were up to me we would have no electronics and they would be playing pick up sticks. So, she will we disappointed on her birthday when there is no Ipad, but she will get over it. Bad mom award for me.

I was annoyed at her again yesterday. I went downstairs to cook dinner and when I came upstairs all the lights were on. The bathroom light, closet light, hallway light, all the ceiling fans were on. "Guys, turn off the lights. Open some windows." I started turning off the lights and my 8 year old said, "Mom, turn them back on." "No, I have to pay for these lights being on. Every time you turn on a light, it feels like some one is throwing change at me." She looked at me like I was lying, "You have to pay for the lights?" I nodded, "Yes, when I pay the electric bill." "How much is it?" Oh, the questions.... "$200 A MONTH." She looked me dead in the eyes and said, "That's not a lot." What? Oh, really? I think she should get a job and pay the electric bill. When it't time for me to pay her college tuition I am going to tell her I can't afford it because I had to pay the electric bill for the past 18 years. She is out of her mind. I think $200 is outrageous. Especially considering that we keep the house at 78 degrees. If you are hot at my house you can get in your underwear or take a cold shower. The people at the electric company are damn thieves.

My kids need to learn the most important lesson in life, "You can't always get what you want." It's a tough pill to swallow but isn't that what life is all about? Along with, "sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do" and "life isn't fair."

Father's Day

                 
Another Father's Day has come and gone. It was uneventful - I made a big breakfast for my husband and my dad and we relaxed. I kept telling my husband to take a nap. "I don't want to take a nap, why do I have to take a nap?" "Because it's Father's Day and you need to rest." He rolled his eyes at me. I just wanted him to relax, he works so hard and he's such a good daddy.

Every Father's Day we tell the story of his first ever Father's Day. I was 9 months pregnant with my oldest child so I thought it was appropriate to celebrate. We decided to go to IHOP for breakfast. I remember this event vividly because it was so horrible. We waited forever to be seated and when we finally were there were crumbs on the table. Our waitress was a pink haired, middle-aged woman and she took our order and left. Another server took us our drinks and food and we didn't see anyone for the rest of the meal. We needed re-fills and no one came. It took forever to get our check. I was so annoyed. We finally paid and my husband was trying to pull up out of my seat because I was hugely pregnant. The waitress turned to my husband and said, "I would wish you a Happy Father's Day, but I don't know if you are the father." What? It took a minute for it to sink in. I took the tip off the table (she really didn't deserve one anyway due to the awful service) and left a penny under the glass. That is the only time I didn't tip a server. I was so offended. We will think about that waitress forever on Father's Day, I imagine.

I am so lucky that my husband is such an awesome dad. He is one of the most involved dads I know. He is the kid's favorite. Which makes me a little bit jealous. He is fun and laid back. He initiates pillow fights often and takes them outside. He paints nails and checks homework. He cleans up boo-boos, he takes them to birthday parties. I travel for work a bit and he holds it down. He picks up the kids, feeds them, gets them to bed and makes it look so easy. He can do anything that I can do. The girls adore him. He is just an all-around awesome parent. He is a partner in parenting which I love, it makes my life so much easier. He is everything you could want in a dad and more.

Then you have my dad who lives a mile away, which is awesome. I see my dad 1-3 times a week. I adore him! He is so funny and helpful. He always is so glad to see us and the kids. He loves to hang out with the children and he lives in the moment. I wish I could be more like him. My husband's dad died almost 7 years ago and it was hard for him but he has gotten super close to my dad. He hangs out with my dad and they talk  4 times a week. He's like OUR dad which is nice. We see him so often he is like part of our immediate family. My girls are lucky to have such amazing men in their lives and I am so lucky too!!!

Even though he's not 45, this reminds me of my husband. He needs a new weedwacker....

The Abyss AKA My Kid's Room

                   
I try my best to keep my house clean. I do what I can. I can usually get the dishes done and I try to keep the downstairs okay and I am pretty good at doing laundry (horrible at folding it and putting it away). My house is clean enough to be acceptable most of the time and that's okay with me. There are some areas of the house that are not a priority for me and the kid's room is one of those places. It's not my responsibility to clean their room and I always forget that it's messy until the end of the day so it's not really a good time to nag them to clean it. I do what I do with all unpleasant things that may be in my life, I close the door and try to forget it exists. It has gotten really bad though, it's a dumping ground.

I was expecting an old friend to come by and spend the night and I was going to let her sleep in the kid's room which meant it needed to be cleaned. I told them I would help because it was too big of a job for 2 little people. They are slobs. I'm no Martha Stewart but they just destroyed that room. I was prepared for anything. I would not have been surprised if we found Amelia Earhart's plane in there. We began to separate things, throw away papers and trash. I discovered one of their Easter baskets with grass just spilling out of it, a birthday card that my oldest made for my youngest for her 6th birthday (which was 10 months and 3 weeks ago), homework papers from April, a sealed bag that had "For Mom" on it. "What is this?" I asked my youngest. "Oh - that's a mother's day present I made for you." Well, thanks. I opened it and pulled out a candle holder filled with candy. They both came over and were trying to swipe the candy from me. They are little animals.

Bit by bit we made progress. Finally it was all clean. "Great job, guys!" I got out the vacuum and was ready to made the room shine. I could not figure out how to turn the damn thing on. We purchased it in February and I have not run it in so long I forgot how to work it. How sad is that. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. No wonder my kids are slobs. I obviously set a horrible example. Bad mom award. My 6 year old came over and turned in on for me. After I vacuumed my daughter said, "It looks so good - I will never let it get so messy ever again." I'm going to hold her to that. I threw the quilt and sheets in the wash and made a bed on the floor of my bedroom for the kids. I wasn't let them set foot in that clean room until my friend had come and gone.

They laid down for bed and my youngest said, "Mom, where is my quilt?" "It's in the wash, my friend will use it when she comes, you can use this comforter." She got so mad. "But MAMA, this is too heavy." I gave her another blanket, still too heavy. I have her an afghan, too long. We tried 2 sleeping bags, too uncomfortable. A folded up sheet, not heavy enough. She was getting so frustrated and I was ready to lose my mind. "I want my sister's blanket." It is this shabby floral comforter that is 10 years old. My eight year old wrapped it tight around her. "Please let her use it, I'll give you a dollar." She reluctantly gave it to her. I was glad. All that cleaning and blanket negotiations had me tired. I fell right asleep and dreamed about doing anything but vacuuming.

Saturday

                            
On Saturday, Once Upon a Child had a 70% off sale. My kids really don't need any more clothes but I am a sucker for sales at thrift and resale shops. My girls and I got there 15 minutes early and we were the only ones standing outside the door, which I thought was kind of suspect. The guy just let us in when we showed up. We were alone in the store, with 70% off and we were getting first dibs. I felt like I won the lottery pretty much. We tackled the size 7 rack first and I had my daughter pick some stuff from the 10/12 section (yes, she is in 10/12 - I don't know how that happened). We had one rule: Mom has ultimate veto power. My kids will dress like homeless children and like it. True story. I generally let them wear what they want to wear because I don't want to put a lot of emphasis on appearance but I am sad that they don't like the clothes that I like. If I had a choice my kids would wear stuff like this:
                                        
                                                   or this:
                                      
But my kids would rather wear clothes like this:
                                       
                                            and this:
                                  
They are jeans and T-shirts kinds of kids. They also like bright, loud colors and if it is sparkly or be-dazzled they are in. You can imagine we had a few arguments over some of the things they picked out. "No, they made that for shirt for a streetwalker", "No, that looks like it came from 1995", "Remember the rules  -I get to veto." It was exhausting. My youngest found a shirt she really liked. It was a pink T-shirt that had the bat symbol on it. "Mama, it doesn't have a yellow sticker but can I still get it? PLEEEEEASE, it's Batman." She is her father's daughter. We threw it in the pile.

By that time my sister and mother had shown up and my girls and their 4 year old cousin went to the shoe boxes to try on shoes. They left a huge pile of shoes on the ground and ran off. I picked up the shoes and threw them in the bins and didn't think anything of it. A few minutes later I see my 4 year old niece walking around in pink cowboy boots. My daughter came up to me and said, "Mom, where are K's shoes?" "What shoes?" "They are white sparkle sandals, they were right here." She pointed to the area on the ground where they left the pile of shoes. I had put my nieces shoes in the For-Sale bin. I frantically searched through the bins but they were no where to be seem. Someone in the store had picked out her shoes to buy them, I just knew it. I went up to the front desk and explained what had happened and what the shoes looked like. A few minutes later a worker came up to me and said, "I think I found the lady that has the shoes." She pointed from a far to a customer shopping and I should see the shoes in her pile. The lady looked a little bit scary. I was a little bit nervous about approaching her but I didn't really feel like buying new shoes for her so I did it. The lady was annoyed but she gave the shoes back and all was right with the world.

I did pretty good that day. I got 19 tops, 3 skirts, 1 pair of leggings, and a pair of denim capris for $25. We all went to lunch afterwards and the kids were all having a nice time. I had planned to take the kids to the water park later and I told my sister I would take her daughter with us and she could spend the night. The kids were excited to have their cousin sleep over.

We went home and got in our suits and hit the water park. My poor niece is petrified of water going anywhere near her face and head so she had a horrible time. I felt bad. We went to the wave pool and I told her that she didn't have to put her head in the water. She waded in very suspiciously but seemed to have an okay time. Until the waves came. She plastered herself to me. She had her hands around my neck as tight as a noose. She pressed her cheek against mine and she shook. I was trying to pull her off of me, "You are okay, calm down." I got her to loosen her grip a little bit, and then I got her to let me put her down, then she was just holding my hands. She had a death grip on them. She jumped as the waves came and she turned to me and shouted, "Aunt Jossy, I learning." So cute. As soon as the waves stopped she started walking out. She had enough and wanted to go home. So we did.

I had to go to the grocery store after that so I took the three of them. My 2 kids in the grocery store is enough to drive someone to drink so the 3 was hellish. I was in a weird mood and was buying things I normally wouldn't. I purchased a box of Cookie Crisps. While I set the Cookie Crisps in my cart, I mourned the loss of the days when I actually had standards. I felt slightly embarrassed.

I survived the rest of the grocery trip and as I stood in line getting my groceries rung up, I spotted a Star magazine article, "Best and Worst Celebrity Moms." It graded them. This I had to read. I did, I read about horrible celebrity moms in the check out line while I ignored my own children. Oh, the irony!

Magic School Bus

                 
Friday was family movie night and we all gathered around and tried to decide on a Movie. This is not always easy and this time it was incredibly hard. Anything my husband and I suggested the kids shot down, anything they wanted we protested. "No, we are not watching the Scooby Doo movie for the 18th time!!" We continued to skip through the selections and the kids saw The Magic School Bus. "Magic School Bus! Magic School Bus!" My husband said, "NO WAY!" My oldest whined, "Come on, you've never even seen it. Just give it a chance." I had to laugh. "Sweetie, mom and dad watched Magic School Bus when WE were kids. That show is an oldie." She said, "It's an oldie but goodie." I turned to my husband, "Let's just watch a few episodes, it will be nostalgic." He was reluctant but agreed. Friday night + Magic School Bus = awesomeness.

The episode started and they were learning about space so they took the Magic Schoolbus to visit the solar system. My husband looked very skeptical, "That teacher is very irresponsible. She just takes kids on field trips and doesn't even send home permission slips for parents to sign. I would have a problem with that." He gave commentary the whole time. "You know, if they got that close to the sun they would disintegrate. They wouldn't be able to stand on the surface of Mars." I laughed, "It's a kids cartoon from the 90's, not a NASA instructional video." They finally made their way to Pluto. "You know guys, when we were little Pluto used to be a planet." They looked at me like I was weird. I still think Pluto is a planet. Some things are hard to unlearn.

At the end of the episode they showed an astrologer on his roof looking through his telescope. He had a computer up there with wires and extension cords everywhere. My husband was laughing, "My God, there were no wireless computers then, and look at the floppy disk drive. Technology has come a long way." Then the man picked up a phone and my daughter was like, "Why is that phone so big?" We laughed. Life was simpler and phones were bigger then.

The second episode they took a trip inside one of the kid's digestive system. We were pretty sucked in at this point. The bus made it to the kid's large intestines and they were driving through poop particles and poop was falling all around them. I was very grossed out. My husband was very offended, "It they travel into the rectum, we are turning this off." They decided to go back up through his mouth thankfully but we were pretty traumatized at that point.

Next movie night, the parents get to pick.

Family Weekend

         
Last weekend we took a little trip to Myrtle Beach to celebrate surviving another school year. We wanted to do something fun and get away and just spend uninterrupted time together. The kids deserve it. They got excellent report cards, they met their reading goals, they are very understanding of our crazy schedules. Besides, we don't reward them for good grades each individual semester (because we are horrible parents) so we wanted to do something nice at the end of the year.

We packed our bags on Saturday morning and drove up. We checked in and immediately hit the pool. I made sure to tell the kids not to go near the vents at the bottom of the pool. I watched a 20/20 episode when I was a teenager about those vents and this kid sat on one and it sucked her intestines out and ever since then I have been freaked out about pools. I am passing om my neurosis about this to my children. That and my fear of aliens....but that is a whole other blog post. So I jump in and we are playing and the water feels great but the water tasted kind of salty, like sweaty. I felt like I was swimming in a giant sweat gland. It was gross. I swam and played for 1/2 an hour to appease the kids but after that I had enough.

I saw a billboard for this a few months ago:

It looked so cool so I purchased tickets. My oldest daughter wanted to dress up like a pirate to go to the show and she put together one with some of the costume stuff we had laying around. I told my youngest that she should dress up as a mermaid. She said that she wouldn't do it. "But it will be so cute for you to be a mermaid and your sister to be a pirate." My oldest daughter concurred. "No, I am scared to do it." "I'll give you 5 bucks." She thought for a minute. "Okay." She's too easy.

We showed up and they had a pre-show. The kids were invited to participate in the pre-show because they were dressed up, which was cool. My youngest daughter didn't want to go on stage but my 8 year old went up and was sword fighting. There was this amazing juggler and a sea lion that did tricks. It was freaking cool. They ushered us to the area for the show and we sat down and I was sitting next to a couple with a 2 year old. The 2 year old was not happy. He was screaming. My expertise is at tuning out screaming children so it didn't bother me. That kid cried for a 1/2 hour, was throwing himself under the table, trying to crawl on the table. The parents looked like they wanted to hang themselves they were so frustrated. They were apologizing to me and I was like, "Don't be sorry, I WAS you not to long ago. It gets easier." Not that it's any consolation but whatever. They left halfway through. What a waste of $100. We enjoyed the show. There was pyrotechnics, and acrobatics, and animals.The kids were loving it.

The next day we work up early and had breakfast in the lobby of the hotel. It was a big spread and the girls thought it was so fancy. I am always eating hotel breakfasts, so I was less than impressed. They served themselves and picked a seat and I waited by the waffle maker. They sat and ate and watched the news like little old people. A woman came up to me and said, "Are those your daughters?" "Yes." "I was just remarking at how well behaved they are." I smiled. "Thank you so much, they are good girls." They are also actresses, but I didn't say that. They are good when they want to be.

We went to play mini-golf after breakfast. This mini-golf place was over the top. We took a little wooden train to the top of the hill for the first hole. We golfed in a pyramid, through waterfalls. It was a little over the top. My husband beat me by 3. Boo.

Then we went to the Ripleys Aquarium. We looked at fish, we pet sharks and sting rays and we watched a mermaid show. We sat on the floor while these women in bikini tops and mermaid tails dove in and out of the water. Afterwards I turned to the girls and asked if they liked it. My 6 year old said, "It was pretty good, but they weren't REAL mermaids." She is hard to please. We went to go talk to the mermaid. She leaned out of the pool and rested her boobs over the side. I thought one of those things were going to pop out. I told my husband he wasn't allowed to look. haha.

We ended the day with a meal at the Hard Rock Cafe. It was in the shape of a pyramid and the kids kept calling it a lunch pyramid. I waited for the bill while my husband took the kids to the gift shop. He spent 6 times more money than I asked him to spend. That's how it goes.

The kids napped on the way home and we remarked at what a fun time we had. When we got home I unloaded the suitcases. I paused and looked at the pile of laundry I had just generated. Yes, we were back to real life again.

Worst Mom Ever

                                   
So this is the story of how I lost my kids at the movies. A great example of my stellar parenting. I didn't intend to lose them, if that makes it any better.

Friday was the last day of school and the kids got out early. I had a mountain of work to do and I told them if they behaved and let me do my work I would take them to go see Epic in the late afternoon. I got caught up and we ended up leaving a few minutes later than I expected. When we got there the lady said that the movie was going to start in 1 minute. Since I didn't have enough time to go to the store to buy candy to put down my pants to sneak in, I told the kids I'd buy drinks and popcorn. My daughter asked me if they could go watch the movie, since it was starting and I could get the popcorn. I didn't see this as being a problem, she's in fourth grade - it would only take a few minutes. I walked with them down to the theater and we picked out seats. The movie had just started. I asked them what they wanted to drink. They gave me their order and settled into their seats. "I'll be right back." I walked to the concession stand and just as I got there the lights started blinking and an alarm sounded. A voice came over the intercom that everyone needed to evacuate the building. FML. So I walked back to the movie theater which was around the corridor and at the end of the hallway and no one was in there. Including my children. Worst mom ever. The worker told me I needed to leave so I went to the front of the theater and I'm looking around and didn't see them. The theater we were in was at the back of the building so I began to walk around the side. I saw a group of people coming and there were the kids just walking along, holding hands. They didn't seem upset at all, they were like, "Hey mom, what's up?"

I asked them what happened and my oldest daughter said, "Well the fire alarm went off and they said we had to leave. So I took W's hand and said, 'Let's go.' She was worried about you but I said we would find you later. So I grabbed her hand and took her out the door." She handled that very well, I was glad to know that she wasn't willing to stay in a fiery blaze to wait for me. I still felt horrible. This lady was there with her 6 year old standing next to me looking at me like I was the most horrible mother on earth.

The firemen showed up and went through the building and during this time the 6 year old of the lady who thought I was the worst mom ever, was talking and playing with my kids. When all was clear, we all went to get popcorn together and sat down to enjoy the movie, which they re-started. After the movie we were walking out and the little 6 year old girl ran over to me and said, "Can I have a play date with your kids?" I said sure, and I texted her mom my phone number. Her mom half smiled at me, it will be a cold day in hell if she ever calls us for a play date. No mom wants to hang out with the worst mom ever. It's her kids loss because my kids are awesome!

I just need to stop going to the movies. I win the bad mom award every time I go!