The Elf is Back

                         
The day after Christmas, Green Peppermint came back. Green Peppermint is our elf. Our elf that I f*cking despise. My hatred for Elf on the Shelf is no secret. In fact, people send me Elf on the Shelf memes all year long because I am the go-to person for hating Elf on the Shelf.

I was trying to have my act together this year, so the week before Thanksgiving I went through all of our stuff and tracked down where we hid the elf. Then, I put him in a secure location. I composed a "welcome back" letter. It went something like this: "I came back to spy on you assholes, so you better behave or I'm going to tell Santa and you will get coal. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Just kidding. I wanted to write that but instead I stole an idea from Pinterest aka the website inspiring mom guilt and setting unrealistic expectations since 2010.
                              
I decided that he would bring Christmas doughnuts for breakfast the morning after Thanksgiving. I woke up at 5 am on Black Friday to secure the doughnuts before my daughter woke up. That's right - 5 in the morning. I tiptoed down the stairs and out the door and drove to Dunkin Donuts. I pulled up to the drive thru, barely awake.
"Can I help you?"
I leaned out my car window. "Yes. Can I have 2 Christmas doughnuts?"
"We don't have those yet."
                     
The stores have had Christmas decorations up since Halloween, they have been playing 24/7 Christmas carols on the radio for 2 weeks and it is after Thanksgiving and Dunkin Donuts doesn't have Christmas doughnuts? What the actual hell?

If I was the manager of Dunkin Donuts, I would be like, "This Friday is Black Friday. People are going to be up early. They are driving by our location to get to the mall. They are ready to start their Christmas shopping and kicking off the Christmas season. Let's offer them some peppermint mocha, doughnuts with red and green sprinkles, Christmas music...."

But I'm not the manager of Dunkin Donuts so what the f*ck do I know? I looked at the menu and saw donuts featured that had crushed candy canes sprinkled on top. Gross. "Do you guys have these candy cane doughnuts?" I asked.
"Yes," the lady replied.

She just told me they had no Christmas doughnuts yet I would say that crushed candy cane doughnuts would fall under that category. Bless this girl, she was not the sharpest tool in the shed. So I ordered the doughnuts and drove home. I arranged them on the dining room table with the letter and I sat up the elf.

I paid $35 for the damn elf on the shelf and they didn't even make him posable. You have to fight with him to get him to sit up or prop him up. He could at least have Velcro hands. No. It's felt, a bean bag and a plastic head. For what I paid, I think they could have put some wire in his legs. What a cheap piece-of-shit. I mourn for the $35 that I'll never get back.  These Elf on the Shelf people are laughing their way to the bank.

The other day I saw one of these at the store:
                
                  So now Jewish moms get be tortured too. Equal opportunity.

Anyway, my kids woke up and were delighted to see the elf and they ate the disgusting doughnuts.  You are probably surprised that I went through such trouble for the elf reveal this year. It is so unlike me. Well, it was mom guilt. A few weeks ago my daughter said to me, "My friend's elves do really cool things and our elf only moves." Well, if all your friend's elves jumped off a bridge would you want our elf to too? As moms, can't we just all agree to move our elf from one shelf to another? PLEASE.

Since he came I did have him draw a face on one of the pumpkins that I had sitting on the counter. Otherwise, he's just moved here to there. I went to bed early with a horrible headache last night and didn't move him until the kids left for school this morning. I don't even care if they noticed. I threw him in the Christmas tree and watched him from the couch as I sipped my coffee.
                                   
                              He's always watching me with his smug grin. He is the WORST EVER.

The funniest part about this whole charade is that neither of my kids believe in Santa or the elf. The only difference is that my oldest admits to it and my youngest will not. We are in a stand off right now. I know she doesn't believe in Santa or the elf and she knows that I KINDA know but it is an unspoken truth.

She drops hints that she doesn't believe and she wants me to just come out with it and tell the truth but I WILL NOT. She says stuff like, "Magic doesn't exist" or when I threaten to tell Santa about her shit attitude, she says, "Whatever." It's great. I called the Santa hotline and put it on speaker. She put her hand on her hips and rolled her eyes.

But what if she finally does admit it? Then NONE of my children will believe. Will we still leave out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve? Will it be any fun at all? I'll tell you one thing - once she admits it, I'm going to make the elf be bad. Next year this will be my elf:
                          
                         
                         
Right now though, I'm just a mom...doing time....at Christmastime...with the elf....on the shelf....putting up a charade....