I Want Something Else...

I make a legitimate effort to keep a variety of healthy snack food in the house. Okay, I'm a liar. Mostly healthy snacks and then a bunch of crap. My new favorite is White Cheddar Cheez-Its. They are soooo yummy and addictive. I am sure they sprinkle crack on them. I also have been buying Cheetos. They are so bad for you but I cannot resist the crunchy cheddar goodness. Have you ever seen the Cheetos cat? He is pimpin'. He has shades and cool sneakers. He makes me feel like when I buy Cheetos I might just be a little bit cooler than I actually am.

So besides the crap, my kids have a ton of fruit. A quarter of my grocery bill is fruit. We have crackers, applesauce, popcorn, pretzels. It's a pretty desirable snack selection in my opinion. I'm sure there are starving children all over the world who would be happy to stay in our house and eat our food. 

My kids could give a hoot. This is what I heard this afternoon, "Mom, can you get me a snack?" "Get yourself a snack." So they look in the cabinets and the fridge and say, "We have nothing to eat." That's a lie. So I go through the list of things we have available to eat. "But I don't want any of that." Exasperated I say, "Well what do you want?" "Something else." I have just opened a Pandora's box because we will go around in circles. I will ask them what they want and they will tell me that they don't know but it has to be good. 

First of all, I am not a mind reader. Do not assume that I know what you want and that your definition of "good" is my definition of "good".  Second of all, if it is not in the house, I am not going out to obtain it for you. My existence is not to get you everything you want. I pulled out some pretzels and said, "Just have this."  My youngest rolls her eyes at me and says "I'll just have the Cheetos." 

Whatever you say - Veruca. 

                 

Gross

On Friday my husband ate some bad pizza from Pizza Hut and as a result he suffered from food poisoning all weekend. I felt so bad for him. Men are so melodramatic when they are sick. He was laying in bed moaning that he was dying. I was trying to get him to take medicine and drink some water and he looked up at me with big sad eyes, "But I'm going to throw it up." We went to dinner at a relative's house so the kids wouldn't bother him.

On the way home from dinner I was giving the kids a pep talk. "Guys, when we get home do not go in mom and dad's room because daddy is really sick." My daughter said, "Well, I'm just going to put on my pajamas and play a game so dad does not throw up on me. If he does throw up in bed you can just clean it up." "Why do I have to clean it up?" I asked. "Because you are the person in our family that cleans up the throw up."

Yup. That's me. I am the official vomit cleaner upper. I have cleaned a fair amount of vomit in my lifetime. That's something that you don't think about before you have kids - how many times a year you will spend wiping vomit from little bodies and bed sheets - or my favorite, hosing down car seats. There are so many nooks and crannies for chunks to "hide". I always feel like vomit in my house occurs in the middle of the night. I wish my family could vomit at more convenient times of the day. There is nothing worse than to be awoken in the middle of the night with a crying child followed by "Splash." That is real life stuff. It pushes you to your limit.

I feel like that is the function of morning sickness - to make moms comfortable with vomit. I puked so much when I was pregnant that it doesn't even phase me anymore. I can just mop it up and have it on me and I don't even get grossed out.  I am glad that my daughter recognizes this skill. I am going to put that on my resume. I am a Regurgitation Sanitation Coordinator.

She Loves Me

A few weeks ago, my youngest came home with a invitation cordially inviting me to have tea in her classroom to celebrate Mother's Day. She was so excited but she wouldn't tell me about it. “It's a surprise.” I show up to her classroom and all the moms are lined up and I step up and the teacher calls my daughter and she comes over with this huge shining smile and a tissue flower. She hands it to me and takes my hand and leads me to her desk. “I made this myself, just for you,” she whispered in my ear. When all the moms were in the room the kids went to the front and sang us some songs. So adorable. They sang this one song that was slightly creepy, “I wish I had a little red box to put my mommy in, I'd take her out and go *kiss *kiss *kiss and put her back again.....” I hope this box has all the modern amenities that I'm used to. Hope there's not a basket and lotion involved. :/ Hostage taking kindergarteners. It was very cute though. I always tell me kids that I wish I could carry them around in my pocket, so I'm equally as creepy. After the singing they served us tea and cookies and they showed a powerpoint. The teachers took pictures of all the kids and put it with audio of what they love about their mom. It was funny to see what the kids said. Most said “I love my mom because she buys me X, or because she takes me X, or because she let's me do X....” I was wondering what my little one would say. I didn't want her to say she loves me for buying her stuff or letting her eat junk. So her little picture came up and you could hear her tiny voice say, “I love my mom because she loves me.” I pretty much just melted into a big puddle. Then we got our gifts. She made me this pretty clay container in art that will now live on my kitchen window sill forever. She also did a portrait of me: Hahaha. I love it. She gave me a Jay Leno chin but I do love my voluptuous lips and jewelry. She wrapped her arm around my neck and said, “I love you so much, Mom.” These girls have my heart – I want to just carry them around in my pocket.

Back to School

All year my kids have been asking me to come to school to eat lunch with them. I would be happy to do this if they had lunch at a reasonable hour but they eat at 10:30 and 11:25 and I can't just leave work in the middle of the morning. I get guilt tripped about this on a weekly basis. "So and so's mom came to lunch today, when can you?" These manipulative children of mine.

So last week I volunteered to work at the school's book fair and I told both the girls I would have lunch with them. I met my second grader in the cafeteria and I told her I would eat school lunch with her. I wanted to see what the USDA is offering up now a days. So I get in line with all of the other second graders. I know I looked ridiculous. I felt like Billy Madison. They had popcorn chicken with honey mustard, french bread, corn, cheesy mashed potatoes and apples. Of course I had the customary carton of chocolate milk. Why is school lunch chocolate milk so yummy and refreshing? It's from those special school-lunch-giving cows.

The lunch ladies were super nice to me and were giving me extra helpings. Score! They had foam trays that had "Say no to drugs" written on them. I plan to do that. So I sat down at the kid table and we ate. My daughter was so excited. They were telling me about dinosaurs and about what they do at recess. One kid dropped a banana. As I looked around I thought, "These kids are going to be running the world some day." That's scary. The kids were very well behaved, they were like miniature grown ups.

I just sat with my kindergartner while she ate lunch. Her table was a little more subdued. The kid who sat across from her was a Debbie Downer. He was like, "We are not allowed to talk. We can only eat. I am tired...." This kid just complained about everything. Finally I said, "It's hard to be a kid, isn't it?" They all nodded in agreement.

I really meant that. Being a kid is sucky in a lot of ways. You have to go to school, take a bunch of tests. Have grown ups tell you what to do constantly. Go to bed even if you aren't tired. Share. I hated being a kid when I was one. For as long as I can remember I wanted to be grown up. I do not regret it for a moment. I love being a grown up. It has never lost it's novelty for me. haha. I can eat chocolate ice cream for breakfast if I want, I can stay up as late as I want. I can say the F word if I want. It is AWESOME! Although, I could still go for some school lunch chocolate milk on the daily.

Up on the Housetop

Last weekend we were having a relaxing afternoon outside. I was sitting on the porch reading a book while my husband sat next to me playing his guitar. The kids were riding bikes and enjoying themselves. My oldest went into the house to "get something" and comes out with this Hello Kitty watch.

"Mom, can I smash this watch? I don't want it anymore." I looked at her sideways. That is a weird request. The neurotic side of myself starts to wonder what went wrong in her day that is causing her to want to be violent toward the watch. Having a child that wants to destroy things could warrant receiving a bad mom award.
"Why don't you just throw it away?" "Because it doesn't work and I just hate it." 'Whatever".

She hit it repeatedly with a drum stick and then threw rocks at it. The thing was obviously made of bullet proof plastic. She picked it up and threw it. Do you know where it wound up?

Yup, she threw it on the roof. My annoyance level was very high. "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" She looked at me sheepishly, "I just didn't want to see it anymore." I can relate with that. When something or someone annoys me I just want to get rid of the offending thing and not deal with it. I should start throwing my laundry in the roof. Note to self: work with daughter on constructive ways to deal with frustration.

I told the kids to clean up and we went in to make dinner. They even cleaned up the sticks on the driveway and put them on the porch chair. A place for everything and everything in it's place is obviously not a rule that is followed closely in my house. Oh well, I'll let this one slide. At least they're not on the roof.

A Snake In The Grass

Yesterday we were in the car and my kindergartener said, “Mom, Emily told me a bad story at school.”

I'm like, “Well, what did she say?”

“There was a little boy and he wanted to take a shower with his mom and she said, 'Okay, but you can't look up and you can't look down.' But he did look and and he said, 'Mom, what are those' and she said,

'Headlights'. Then he looked down and said 'Mom, what is that?' and she said, 'Some grass.' Then he wanted to take a shower with his dad. He said, 'Okay, but you can't look down' but he did and said, 'What is that?' and the dad said 'That is my snake.'” Then she giggled. Really?

I knew where this was going. We told the same story when we were kids except that it was head lights, a garage and dad had a car and then a few days later the kid saw the dad park his car in the garage accidentally. After 20 years, the same story is being told. It's like perverted oral tradition – our modern Iliad, so to speak.

She she's telling me this and the whole time I'm thinking “What the Eff?” Why is my poor child being polluted by this garbage? Then she told me that Emily told this story to 6 other girls. I'm sure all their parents will be so enthused.

We used it as a teaching moment and we talked about what is appropriate and not appropriate to talk about at school and how kids shouldn't be taking showers with their parents. I try to be very informative and not freaked out when my kids ask me questions about things (or tell me dirty jokes, incidentally). I don't want them to feel like they are making me uncomfortable because then I don't think they will tell me things and will become full of misinformation. 

But truth be told, it makes me super uncomfortable on the inside. I always thought that I would be so cool about it because you know, reproduction is part of nature. I am an open person but when a five year old asks what a tampon is - like, how do you not want to craw under a rock to avoid that conversation? My kids do know where babies come from but they haven't asked how the baby gets in there. I haven't had to discuss the mechanics of the whole thing. I know that day is coming in my near future with a soon to be third grader. I'll just tell her that when a man and woman love each other very much, he takes this snake and......

Outta Paper

So, we almost ran out of toilet paper last week. That was annoying. I usually am a pretty good judge of when we need to buy more but there was none on sale the week before and we had 8 rolls. On a normal week this is okay but a bloody nose and allergies type of week can really deplete the stash.

I used to buy tissues but then figured out that I might as well just light dollar bills on fire because my kids would use them as barbie blankets. One day they took them all out of the box and lined them up one after the other to cover the living room floor. That was awesome.

So I stopped buying tissues and the kids waste toilet paper instead. I have discussed this in length with them but somehow this has not changed anything. This many pieces for a #1, this many for a #2. The next minute my kid is in the bathroom wrapping the toilet paper around her entire hand. The hand must be covered before wiping occurs. *face palm* By last Thursday we were down to our last roll of toilet paper. I did not have time to go to the store until Friday evening so we needed to really ration this last roll. I would be cooking dinner and I would hear "MOM, I NEED TOILET PAPER". I would take the toilet paper upstairs, of course during dinner someone would have to use the bathroom. I'm so lazy, I'm like, "Here, just use a napkin." My daughter looked at me like I was crazy, as if I handed her a hairbrush. "It's paper - just use it." For 2 days the toilet paper roll floated around the 3 bathrooms in the house. So annoying.

I came home to eat lunch and used the restroom and of course no toilet paper. I am alone in the house and I took the empty roll and I am trying to rip the last tiny shreds from the roll, as if that was going to do something for me. Then I'm looking in the magazine basket next to me thinking - which one of these have I read already? Awful.

Thankfully my husband saved the day and brought home toiler paper that evening. It was an urgent matter.

Before toilet paper was invented, people used to use corncobs. On a rope. Next time I see my kids wasting toilet paper, I am going to put a corncob on the back of the toilet seat.