Outhouse Excursion

             
I hate public restrooms. I hate them with a passion reserved for only the most horrible things. My hatred for restrooms became more intense after I had children. You never know what you are getting into. Every public restroom presents a new adventure. The worst public restroom experience I ever had was when the kids were toddlers. We were driving down the road in Orlando when my 3 year old declared, "Mommy, I haffa pee-pee." When a 3 year old haffa pee-pee there is no time to waste. Three year olds wait until the last minute to let you know and when they do it's urgent. I pulled off at the next exit and I was in a third world country. It was not a good neighborhood at all. I wanted to tell her to just pee her pants because I was afraid. It was still the middle of the day so I assumed we would be okay. I pulled into a rundown gas station and got the one year old out of her carseat and the three year old is walking in with her hands down her pants - literally trying to hold it in. We walk in and this place was gross. The floor looked like it hadn't been mopped ever. It smelled funny. There was a hotplate by the register with a pizza that looked like it had been there a week. There were flies everywhere. I didn't see a bathroom. I went to the cashier and said, "Do you have a bathroom." He handed me a wood plank with a key attached to it. "Yeah, it's around back." This was going to be bad. I just knew it.

We walked around to the back of the building and I open the door and we went into this bathroom and my fears were realized. This bathroom had been cleaned never. There was a puddle in the corner. There were flies. The toilet was covered in mold. I turned to my three year old who was squirming. "If you pee your pants, I have a change of clothes." "No, mama." Damn it. "Guys, don't touch ANYTHING." I was carrying my one year old and I set her down next to me. "You need to hug my leg and don't let it go," I said sternly. She did what I said. I held my 3 year old over the toilet. It took all the strength I had in my arms to do it but there was no way we were even going near that seat. I wiped her down. She went to flush. "NO - DON"T FLUSH." I yelled. She looked at me scared as did my one year old. "We are not going to wash our hands." I had sanitizer in the car. The sink looked like it had gonorrhea residue in it. I turned to the door and did a karate kick to open it. hahaha. I was not putting my hands near that things. We walked back in and I practically threw the wood plank key holder at the cashier. I could not get out of there fast enough. I got the kids into the car and took a deep breath. I was traumatized. I felt like I needed therapy after that public restroom experience. I shudder just thinking about.

That was the worst restroom experience. Until yesterday. I had a long drive ahead of me and I was really thirsty. I stopped to get gas and picked up 2 large water bottles. As I'm driving along, I am just guzzling this water. I was in the middle of nowhere. There were mountains, cows, farmlands and that was it. At one point I didn't realize what state I was in. I was just following the GPS. Then the water hit me. I had to go - but there was nowhere to go. Every turn I approached I prayed, "Dear God, let there be a bathroom." But there was none. I drove like this for 45 minutes. I thought my kidneys were going to explode. This was surely the end for me. Suddenly - there was this small sign that said "rest area." There was this little shack next to this beautiful river. I was dying, it would have to do. I walked over and I walk in and there are two toilets. Just sitting in this room. No stalls. The door would not lock. I stood there and looked at the 2 toilets and back at the broken lock door and I thought. If someone walks in, I am just going to have to wave to them and say, "Good to see you." There was no other options. I walked over and I realized that there was no plumbing. This was a public outhouse. The could feel the vomit rising. I just did what I had to do but when I did, I felt this really cold intense breeze. Oh.my.god. I'm peeing into the river. I just knew it. A cold breeze like that does not come from a hole in the ground. As I'm feeling this breeze, all I could think about was all of the poop and pee particles being carried up by the breeze and sticking to me. I began to well up. I thought I was going to cry. I ran out of that place. I felt ashamed. I needed to take a shower in bleach and scrub myself.

As I drove away from that harrowing experience, I thought, "I am never drinking Smartwater ever again."