Lunches

                             

Christmas vacation is officially over, which is slightly disappointing. We had a nice holiday and New Year. The kids went back to school today which meant that we are back to waking up at 5 a.m. - and making lunches everyday.

I hate making lunches. It's one of my most hated chores - behind dishes, laundry, and mopping. We used to spend an unreasonable amount of money on school lunches and my husband going to lunch out and when I lost my job - lunches was one of the first luxuries to go. Packing lunch is the new reality.

I shouldn't complain really, it is a first world problem. Let's face it, it's not like I have anything better to do. I just despise it. It's because I try to have standards.

I am weird about meals. I need to pack a protein, a dairy item, fresh fruit, a vegetable and a grain. I try not to pack the same things every day. I want to give the kids variety. The problem is that they like different things. My oldest likes carrot sticks, my youngest doesn't. My youngest likes cherry tomatoes, my oldest doesn't. One likes bananas, the other clementines. I have a damn lunch matrix that I have to go through every day. It's annoying.

I've looked online for lunch ideas and I come across shit like this:

                        

and this:


and this:
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What the hell!?!?!? Is that what the world has come to? Parents have to aspire to not only pack healthy lunches for their kids but they have to be fun and entertaining too? Moms have to make animals out of sandwiches? Don't these people have anything better to do? Even if they don't, they could be drinking bottles of wine and reading magazines instead of spending 1.5 hours a night making wraps that look like Hello Kitty. Someone should tell them that. I refuse. Let's face reality - all that food is going to just be poop soon. It's just pre-poop.

The kids get on me that my lunches are "too healthy" and I am ruining my middle schooler's street cred. "Mom, it's too healthy. I want sweet stuff in there." If she thinks she's getting soda, chips, and cupcakes for lunch she must be trippin. I don't care if she thinks I'm the worst mom ever, I am not raising future diabetics. For lunch today, I made peanut butter banana sandwiches on whole grain bread, cubed cheese, fresh cantaloupe, mixed nuts, carrots, and fruit snacks (the junk), and a Capri Sun flavored water. My daughter had the gall to say to me, "I don't even eat the carrots. I give them away." She said it like she wanted to hurt my feelings, like she was stabbing me.

I will pack carrots anyway. At least some growing child is benefiting from the beta carotene, even if it's not my child. My kids are always trading their lunches. They make deals at lunch like crack heads. "Man, I've been jonesin for some hostess cupcakes. Tell you what - I'll give you my fruit snacks, a sip of my Capri Sun AND do your math homework for it...."

My youngest is more forgiving about my lunches except she insists I buy her school lunch when they serve meatloaf. She begged me. "Mom, can I please buy lunch tomorrow? It's meat loaf and school meatloaf is my favorite. It is just so delicious and it has this special sauce." Gross. What a weirdo. Who likes school lunch meatloaf? I humor her and give her $2 for meat loaf day.

My husband is less picky but he has a tendency to not eat the lunch I pack and go out to eat, which drives me crazy. There is always an excuse. He was trying to pretend to forget his lunch for a while so he HAD to go out for lunch. I was on to him. Now, I put his lunch in the passenger seat of his car before I take the kids to school. The first time I did it, I told him so. "Honey, I put the lunch in your car so you don't forget it." I smiled big. He looked at me like I was the devil:
                      

One day I ran out of soda and made the mistake of putting a juice in his lunch bag. He came home and said, "I would appreciate it if you don't put a Capri Sun in my lunch again. Do you know how embarrassing it is, as a man to have to poke the bag and drink out of a little straw?" I didn't even consider that. I think Capri Suns are delicious and if it were me I would drink one like a boss no matter who was looking. Unlike me, my husband has a sense of pride and self-worth. I made a mistake. I am a bad wife and a horrible lunch maker.

In conclusion. I am in lunch-making hell with no reprieve in the near future. I'm going to go put together an egg salad now.