One Arm

My oldest daughter will be 11 soon. The child is huge. We went to the pediatrician on Friday and she is 4'10 and weighs 94 pounds. She is the same size as I was when I was 16. She wears my flip flops and my sweaters. A few weeks ago someone asked me if she is 14. I hate it. She's still a little kid but she's in a big kid body.

 We had a birthday party for her yesterday. Technically, her birthday is not until July but July is such a crazy month. The party was just for her friend's from school. They had a good time. She has a really great group of friends and all the parents are pretty cool too. We are pretty lucky. She made out with over $100. I need to have a birthday party for myself.

That evening she went to sleep over a friend's house. I settled in with my youngest for the night. I was in my PJs and lounging on the couch when I received a text. CALL ME RIGHT AWAY. YOUR DAUGHTER IS HURT. That is not the kind of text you ever want to receive. My heart sank into my stomach.

My phone started to ring just as I was dialing her. "Your daughter was tumbling and the dog got in her way and she fell on her arm."
I was relieved. I can deal with arms. I was glad that it wasn't a cracked head, neck injury, or profuse bleeding.
"Is it bad?"
"Yeah. She's crying pretty hard and wants her mom. I think it might be broken."
"Be there in a minute."

She wanted her mom. I've been a mother for eleven years and I still find it unbelievable that my children find my mere presence comforting. I wish my own presence was comforting to myself.

I texted her to ice her arm, called my husband who was downtown at a party with friends, and loaded my youngest in the car to get my daughter. When we got to the house she was sitting in a recliner with an ice pack on her elbow. She looked miserable. We went home to drop off my youngest with my husband and get her some ibuprofen before we headed to the ER.

Of course she would fall and hurt herself an hour after all the urgent care centers closed. I hate going to the ER. It's expensive and takes years.

We walked in and the waiting room was empty. I checked her in and they called us back right away. They took her vitals and ushered us into an exam room. The nurse came in to get her ready for an x-ray and asked me a few questions.

"It's a good thing you came in right away. One time I had this patient who fell and his mom sent him to bed and the next morning when he woke up it was so swollen that he needed surgery to open it up and he had damaged nerves. The doctor was so upset that he yelled at the mom. He was really mean, told her that it was her fault and that she should have brought him in sooner. She cried and cried. He's a good surgeon but not the nicest person. Anyway, you did the right thing coming in right away." My daughter was like:
   
Wow. Thanks for that lovely bedtime story.

They came to take her for the x-ray and then we waited for the doctor to come in. He was young, my age - maybe a little older. I could have been an ER doc by now but instead I have a useless Bachelor's degree. *sigh* When he walked in, he stopped and stared at me like he'd seen a ghost. "Do I know you?"
"Well, probably. I was here a few years ago when my younger daughter had cellulitis."
"No. I know you from somewhere."
"I don't know."

He reported that the x-ray showed no break and that it probably is a bad sprain. He examined her arm. "I like your Nirvana tee shirt. You know Nirvana? That's wild!" She blushed. "Well, my parents mostly." I interjected, "What does mom always say about the 90's?"
"They were the best."
The doctor asked what year I was born then added, "The 90's were the best."

He got a sling for her and fitted her arm into it. He turned back to me. "Follow up with her pediatrician within a week. You can give her Motrin and have her ice it. Come back if she has severe swelling, blah, blah, blah."

As he was walking out he turned back to me once more and said, "I swear I know you from somewhere."
Maybe we were lovers in a past life or something. Let it go.

We went up to the front and they charged me $100 for the visit. The rest of the bill will follow. Lovely.

We walked out to the car and my daughter was in good spirits. She looked cute in her little sling. "Are you going to need me to wipe your butt for you?"
"Ewww, mom. NEVER say that EVER again."

She has been lethargic today. It's not swollen but still hurts pretty bad. She's been complaining about having to do everything with one arm. Every time she says "one arm" I break out with:

She is not amused but I can't help myself.

"What even is Def Leppard anyway?"
"An eighties band that is heavily invested in supporting hearing-impaired leopards."
"For real?"
"No."

She is so funny because even though she is the same size as me, she wants to cuddle up in my lap and ice her elbow as she clutches her new Beanie Boo. I'll do it. I'd even wipe her butt if I needed to. But I'm not supposed to talk about that.            

The Robe

                       
On Wednesday we celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. It makes me feel kind of old but we are happy and getting old together. That's what counts.

That day my husband came home for lunch and he had two bags in his hand. A Victoria's Secret bag and a Hallmark bag.

We never get each other gifts on our anniversary. Never. Gifts is not my love language. We sat down at the table and I opened them. The Hallmark bag had a bunch of Godiva chocolate which my children confiscated. They left me one truffle. ONE. A-holes.

I opened the Victoria Secret bag and pulled out a black satin robe. The price tag was still on it.
"Thanks so much. Love you."
"Yeah...well, they said that for your thirteenth anniversary you are supposed to buy lace."
"This isn't lace. It's satin."
"I told the lady that I needed something lace and this is what she showed me."
"Did you keep the receipt?"
"Yes. Why?"
"No reason."
"You BETTER not take it back."
"I won't wear it."
"What do you mean you won't wear it?"
"I already have a satin robe."
"No you don't."
"Yes I do. I just don't wear it."
"Well you could."
"It's just not my style. Besides, it was $55. That is too much for a robe."
"No it's not. It's a classy robe."
"Seriously? We spent our wedding night on a $99 futon. We are going to Taco Bell for dinner for Christ's sake. I'm kind of white trash."
"Take it back and get something you want."
"I could use an electric can opener...."
"NO. You will not buy an electric can opener. Buy something for yourself."
"I don't need anything."
"You're impossible."
"I like the chocolate and I appreciate you thinking of me." *smile*

I am impossible to buy for. That's why I don't ask for anything. I know I'm impossible. If I want something, I buy it. I don't need grand gestures and I am much too practical for a $55 crotch - high satin robe. He was so funny about it.

When he came home that evening my dad was at the house and he asked for his opinion. "See this nice robe? She doesn't even want it." My dad was like, "You know what you should have gotten? A lace bodysuit. Women love that sh*t!"
                                 
                                    
Ummmm....no a not.

We went out to Taco Bell to celebrate our anniversary with the children and one of their tag-along friends. We ordered and we were standing at the soda machine and I said to my husband, "Let's watch a romantic movie tonight." My eight year old said, "I would recommend 50 Shades of Grey for y'all."

At least 5 people stopped eating and gave us dirty looks. So many dirty looks. I don't know how she knows about that book. I might be the only person on the planet who hasn't read it. If I want to know about torture I just spend 5 minutes in the car with my children.

I knelt down to her and asked how she knew about 50 Shades of Gray. She shrugged her shoulders and replied, "US Weekly." Great.

We settled the kids in and sat down to eat our tacos. "So, what do you think has been the best year in our marriage so far?" I asked.
"I think the past 5 years have been great. The first five were the worst. We could have done a lot of things differently."
"You live and you learn."

After a stop at Office Depot to pick up computer ink we went home and watched Austin Powers. It was a romantic evening.

I still have yet to take back the robe. The robe is now our new inside joke. He was telling me about how he asked the sales lady her size and how he didn't know the difference between lace and any other material. "Except for cotton. I know cotton." He even went through the trouble of looking up the traditional anniversary gift. "Next year is ivory. I'll give you an elephant tusk," he joked.

I laughed. "Whatever. As long as it's not a lace bodysuit."

A Very Haunted Father's Day

           
My husband couldn't name one thing he wanted for Father's Day this year. Not one. So I bought him a weed wacker. He's been talking about getting a new weed wacker for the longest time. He had a crappy electric one that broke and he was always complaining about the string and the extension cord. So I bought a really nice gas one the a head that uses blades instead of string. I thought it was a good gift.

My husband - not so much.
"It's nice but it's not really a gift."
"Yes it is."
"It's a chore. How would you like if I got you a chore item for a gift?"
"I got a steam mop for my birthday."
"You wanted that."
"Well, you didn't want anything so that's one more thing than you requested. Besides, it has not string, no cord, and it's a 4-cycle so it will be quicker and easier therefore giving you more time for leisure. I am giving you the gift a time. A priceless commodity that you can't buy..."

He put on his old sneakers and tried it out two minutes later so he couldn't have hated it that much.

Later I went to the state park and swam in the Edisto River with my dad and then we hosted dinner and had cake. It was a nice day.

After everything was cleaned up and the kids were asleep, we went to bed. My husband fell asleep right away but I couldn't sleep. It was 11 o'clock at night and I decided to watch Cold Mountain. I hate the ending but it's a good movie and Jude Law just does it for me. He is so good looking it should be illegal. The credits rolled and I closed my laptop at 1:30 am.

I still was not tired so I laid in bed for a while and fantasized about running into a shirtless Jude Law at the grocery store.

The ceiling fan started acting funny. It was at the highest setting and started going really fast and then suddenly show. I thought it was weird. Then after a little while the wind chimes in my daughters room started going crazy. That was weird. I heard them clinking earlier but they were really going. I felt uneasy. 

I laid there listening to the wind chimes and then all of a sudden LOUD music started booming through the room. "Shine bright like a diamond..."

I startled my husband out of his sleep. He got out of bed to find the origin of the music. It was coming from my daughter's phone that had been charging all night. It was sitting on the desk and was locked. He unlocked the phone and turned it off. 

"Why would music just start playing from her phone all of a sudden?"

"Maybe it's a software problem. Go to sleep."

I was scared. This morning I asked my daughter if her phone randomly plays music. She looked at me like I was crazy. I told her what had happened the night before. 

"It couldn't have played that song."

"That was the song it was playing. It played for a good minute before dad turned it off."

"But mom, that song isn't on my phone at all. Here look at my playlist."

Sure enough it was no where to be found. 

                                                  

The ghost is back and it likes Rhianna. Scary stuff.

Paper Work

We are going to the Bahamas in November and for the past three months my husband has been hassling me to get our passport stuff taken care of. We are not cultured people and have never traveled outside of the country. Every week he says to me, "Hey! Don't forget about the passports" and I always reply, "Sure thing." Then I never do anything. I am a lazy piece of crap. If I fold one load of laundry in a day I feel like I've accomplished something. I was in my pajamas earlier when my husband told me we were going to Moe's for dinner and I went and put on a sports bra and pretended I was in work-out clothes. That's the caliber of person that my husband deals with.

I did pick up the passport applications yesterday and got the number to make our appointment. I sat at the kitchen table yesterday evening and filled them out. They want to know everything. I asked my husband, "Did your dad have a middle name?"
"I think so."
"What was it?"
"I don't know."
"How do you not know your dad's middle name?"
"Do you know YOUR dad's middle name?"
"Ummm....yes. That's a normal thing to know."

Thank God for ancestry.com. I've all his family's birth places and records saved. Once I finished filling out the applications I went to track down our birth certificates.

I went to the "file" where I've kept all of our paperwork from since we got married. There is so much of it. I have the record showing that he returned his kevlar in 2003, medical records, mortgage statements from 10 years ago. It's amazing how much you accumulate over time. I love going through it occasionally. Especially my medical records. "Wow! I was 19 and weighed 97 pounds! I must have been HAWT!"

I found the "certificate file." I swear to the Lord above that I have had so many bullshit hassles securing everyone's birth certificates.

Mine - So when I was 17 and needed to get a driver's license my family discovered that the name I have been using all my life is not my legal name and I had to have my name legally changed. My dad's name wasn't even on the original birth certificate. A big mess. Long story. Anyway, for some reason they would not send the corrected birth certificate via mail and it needed to be picked up. I guess because you couldn't just fill out forms online. It probably took 20 years or something to process it via mail.

My husband who was my boyfriend at the time was home on leave from the ARMY and my parents told us that we had to go to vital statistics in Wilmington, DE to go get it. We decided it would be fun. We would go pick up the birth certificate and do some tax-free shopping at the big mall there. It was a little over an hour drive.

We show up at the vital statics office and this rude-ass lady tells us that we need to go to the state office in Dover which was an hour south. So our 2 hour drive now is a 4 hour drive and essentially an all day event. This was in the days before GPS. We drove to Dover, got lost, drove down what seemed like a maze of one way streets before we found the office which was about to close.

I had no valid photo ID or any ID to speak of because I needed the birth certificate so I could get ID. They didn't want to give me the birth certificate. I cried and made a scene. Finally they relented. We got stuck in horrible traffic on the ride home. My parents were pissed off that I was 4 hours late coming home. I would have called but cell phones weren't exactly a thing back then either. It was just horrible. Every time I look at my birth certificate I shudder thinking of the day we drove aimlessly across the entire state of Delaware.

My husband - 2002. He's in Oklahoma. I'm in high school. It was April and we were getting married in June and he didn't have a birth certificate. We needed it for our marriage license or something. So I played hooky from school and went to the county building in Bridgeton, NJ to get his birth certificate. The lady told me I was in the wrong place and told me I needed to go to the Vineland, NJ county courthouse. Back in the days before smart phones and unlimited internet access you had to actually count on people to know what the f**k they were talking about.

I drove to the office in Vineland and lo and behold they didn't even have vital statistics there and they sent me back to Bridgeton but the building they sent me to was the social security administration and not vital statistics. It was a nightmare. I finally get to the right place and I tell the lady, "Hi! My fiance is in the ARMY and is stationed in Oklahoma. I need a copy of his birth certificate." I gave his name and birth date and they issued his birth certificate to me. I was pretty much was just some bum off the street who was not even related to him at all and they just handed over his birth certificate to me with no ID and without asking any questions. That's frightening.

When my youngest was born we had even more hassle because she was born at home and additional paperwork had to be done. When it was filed we were in the process of moving out of state but hadn't purchased a house yet and we moved before the birth certificate was sent. It was never forwarded. It was a bunch of BS to work through. Thankfully we were able to get that one through the mail.

Anyway, I tracked down all of our birth certificates and examined them. My husband's birth certificate is disintegrating. It looks like someone took a dump on it, ran it through the dishwasher and then dried it with a hair dryer.

For some reason my older daughter's certificate has my maiden name as my legal name on it. Our marriage certificate has my husband's age as 20 instead of 19. Some of my medical records from recently, like 09, have my marital status listed as single. I feel bad for my descendants who do genealogy research because our paperwork is all wrong. They will be very confused.

It is done now. The applications are done, the documentation has been gathered. We will have our appointment and picture next week and we will be done. They better take a good picture of me. I am excited to finally have a passport. Maybe we can pretend we have money and take more vacations out of the country. It would make the 30 hours of my life that I've wasted chasing birth certificates worth it.

I Love Technology Always and Forever

                 
The other night my husband and I were laying in bed and he offered me a pillow. For some reason I no longer like to sleep with a pillow under my head. Only one between my knees.
"Do you want a pillow?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I don't like them anymore."
"What?!?!"
"Don't be freaked out. Cave people didn't sleep with pillows and they turned out okay."
"But you're not a cave person. Some people embrace technology and others lag behind the times."
"Are you trying to say that I lag behind the times?"
"Yes."
"That's not true."
*Laughing* "Yes it is."
"Give me an example."
"Okay, first example: you hate your cell phone."
"I do hate my cell phone but not because I lag behind behind the times but because I hate other people."

That's not totally true. I don't always hate other people but I do hate my cell phone. I am not one of those people that has my cell phone in my hand at all times. I can go HOURS without checking it. I can let it die and it does not bother me at all. If I am doing something I don't answer it.

Last month we were sitting together enjoying a cup of coffee and my phone kept vibrating in the other room. "Are you going to get that?"
"No."
"They called twice."
"So?"
"What if it's an emergency?"
"Um....you're here and both of the kids are here and they are alive so there is no emergency for me."

I am an inconsiderate a**hole. Plain and simple. People hate me. I do not blame them. I would not be friends me. It must be infuriating. I get texts and won't respond for hours. Friends and family are known to just show up at my house. "I tried to call/text but you didn't pick up...."

People that REALLY know me well know that if they want to get in touch with me, just call or text my husband. He knows where to find me.

I can be guilty of being on the phone but I don't feel the need to be connected all the time. If I am at the beach, I am at the beach. If I am hanging out with my children, or making dinner, or at the grocery store I don't want to be bothered. I do check it, I just don't live on it. I could totally have a flip phone. I do not care.

The human race existed for THOUSANDS of years without cell phones -without any phones at all and life went on. I try to explain this to my children who are phone addicted.

All the kids are now a days. I am keeping some children over the summer and I confiscate phones. I take them and put them in a special place. I had a flip out Monday because the kids were all in the car staring at their screens. We stopped to pick up lunch and I made them hand the phones over to me. There was much protesting involved.

As we drove over the bridge to the Isle of Palms I pointed out a heron flying overhead and the sun reflecting off of the water. "Y'all live in one of the most beautiful places on earth. Look around enjoy it." Once their phones were away they sang and interacted with each other. Imagine that. It was a beautiful day. We spent six hours at the beach, riding waves and collecting seashells and no one checked their phones once.

I'm not saying technology is bad. I enjoy technology - especially antibiotics and the ability to travel. The thing is that people are so connected but at the same time so lonely and unhappy.

Of course I am a complete hypocrite because both of my daughters have phones. My oldest just got a Samsung Galaxy - it is her ONLY birthday present. She needed a new phone because one of her "friends" sent her that iphone death text. I almost lost my shit about it.
                                   

My youngest has my old iphone4. She can't make calls on it but she can text, listen to music, and play Minecraft (of course). I took my oldest to dance today and my dad picked her up from gymnastics. I sat in the studio lobby and a text popped up from her:
CAN U CHAT?
SURE. WHATS UP?
NOTHING. I JUST LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU TOO. Smiley face.

Obsessions and Phallic Noses

                   
This morning I was in the kitchen and my husband walked in to get some ice from the freezer. "Oh man. I hurt my ankle."
"What did you do?"
He looked at me with a closed mouth smile. "I jumped off of the picnic table...backwards."
WTF? "Why did you do that?"
"Just doing a little parkour."

My husband is into parkour right now. It's his thing. He watches parkour videos on Youtube, he knows the moves and what they are called, he could probably tell you who the top parkour people are globally as well as who invented parkour. In case you don't know that parkour is - it's called "free running" and I think it's ridiculous. People climb up buildings, jump over things, do random rolls.

He does this from time to time. He gets OBSESSED with something and will go into it full force. For a while he was into "foot bag" AKA "hackey sacking." He would buy $50 hacky sacks, would practice for hours a day, he actually went to Chicago and became a "certified foot bag instructor". 

It's not just obscure sports either. For a while it was the Roman Empire. Books about the Roman Empire, movies, documentaries. When we first got married it was time travel and black holes. One day (before smart phones) he was walking into the bathroom with a REAM of paper he had printed off about time travel theories. "What are you doing?"

"Just going to use the bathroom and learn about time travel." Like that is the most normal thing in the world.

In addition to time travel, foot bag, parkour, the Roman Empire and black holes he also has had obsessions with UFOS, the theories surrounding genetic memories and guitar playing. He just picked up the guitar one day and was playing it well in just a few months. 

He shares his obsessions with me which means I have to hear about them all the time. I have all this useless information in my head that he feeds to me. On the outside he is calm and quiet but still waters run deep. I swear he's some kind of evil genius or something.

I sat while he applied ice to his ankle. "Promise me that you are not going to try to do parkour. You missed that boat 20 years and 50 pounds ago. Our health insurance is not good enough for you to be jumping off of tables and shit. Can't you just start getting back into black holes again?"

He perked up when I mentioned black holes. "Actually, have you ever heard of the string theory? I've been taking notes about it on my phone....." I was sorry that I asked. I had to hear about M drives, particle propulsion, and rouge black holes for at least 20 minutes. 

Speaking of phones. I did a phone check on my daughter's Instagram this afternoon which is something I do frequently. I just make sure she's not following anyone unsavory and making her delete duck-face selfies. These kids are so funny. Eleven year olds who are "single but looking."

I do not understand the obsession with relationships at such a young age. Come on kids - most of you have married parents. Does it look like fun? No, it doesn't. Believe me- before you know it you'll either be washing the socks of a man who doesn't appreciate you or with a nagging woman who has expectations that you will never be able to meet. Getting your itch scratched is just not worth it. Now go play with toys and enjoy your youth that will be robbed from you quicker than an iphone left out on a counter at a liquor store in Oakland.... and that folks is why I will never be a motivational speaker.

I continued my audit. I was scrolling through this one kid's page and I saw a cartoon drawing of a wiener. I was like WHAT?!?!?!

                                
When I scrolled all the way down I saw that it wasn't a wiener at all but Squidwards nose from Sponge Bob Square Pants.

                                   
I showed my husband. "Is it just me or does Squidwards nose look like a floppy wiener?"
"It definitely is."
"Why would they put that on a kids show?"
He shrugged. "They've been doing that forever. I mean look at Gonzo."

                          
AND Sponge Bob
                  
AND the creepy Moose from Nick Jr.
                                    
The World of Gumball
                                   

What is happening in the world right now? I am very disturbed. There is no reason that cartoon characters need to be drawn like that. Why can't they have regular noses? Why do they have to make them look like dongs? It's not right. I am not some kind of pervert either because according to the Youtube there are many conspiracy theories about it.

As if raising kids isn't hard enough - every other song is about one night stands, they sell string bikinis for 5 year olds, there is innuendo in even G rated movies. Now they are drawing wieners on cartoon faces. We're in a hand basket.

I don't like it at all. While my husband studies parkour and black holes I will be searching the media for phallic innuendos. We are going on a Disney cruise in a few months -they are like the phallus empire. I bet they are hidden all over the ship. haha. I'll be on the look out.

Cat Scratch Fever

                      
This has not been a good week for me. I can't really go into detail but some days I feel like my life is stranger than fiction. Crazy things happen all the time. According to my sister, "I've always thought your life could be a Lifetime Movie." At least it's not boring.
                         
I am busy surviving the summer vacation. Well, barely surviving. I am keeping some kids this summer -  11 year old girls and that has been keeping me busy. Yesterday I took them to the grocery store to get snacks.
"Do we have to stay next to you the whole time?"
"No, just stay together."
They disappeared and every 4 minutes they would come back with something in their hands and a sales pitch of why we need it.
"Can we get these oreos?"
"How much are they?"
"$3.99."
"No. That's expensive for cookies."
"C'mon. They're mint."
"Okay."
Somehow I purchased the following: a 4-pack of Starbucks vanilla coffee drinks, fudge rounds, mint oreos, Lucky Charms, Funyuns, Cheddar Ruffles, Doritos, 10 pack of Gatorade. What happened? I was outnumbered. I think kids just put things in my cart and ran away.

Next. we went to the library. I told them I was going to make them read 1/2 an hour a day and I'm sticking to it. They went to pick out books as I signed them up for the summer reading program. My eight year old came up to me and excitedly pulled on my shirt to get my attention. "Mom! Mom! Look what I found!"
                                    
I was like:
                                     
I relented. Just like I did with the mint oreos. I had to use the restroom before we left so I went in the stall, hung my purse up on the hook. I sat down and when I did the stall door just opens by itself. The ghost must have followed me. WTF? Why am I always interrupted in the bathroom? I can never take a piss without something exciting happening.

Afterwards we went to the store to get water guns and went home to make loaded baked potatoes for lunch. They had a water fight, read, made chocolate covered bananas rolled in coconut, crushed peanuts and jimmies and drew outside with sidewalk chalk. Later we walked the dog over to the neighbors house to draw on their driveway and visit their kitty cat.

They have a dog and my dog went into a attack mode. I tried to restrain her and she scraped the crap out of my leg. By the time it was pick-up for the other kids, I was pooped. I slept so well last night.

I hoped today would be less eventful. I was wrong. It started off easy enough. The girls came this morning and I needed to groom the dog so I let them help. They got in their bathing suits and we put her in the tub. After she was dried off, I clipped her nails and I let the kids give her a hair cut. They did an okay job but she's a little bare in some spots. She could be a homeless dog.

I decided to take them to the roller skating rink after lunch. My hubby came home for lunch and I made BLTs. After I told the kids to pack a snack and water for the car. As we were leaving they let the dog out who bolted and chased a cat into the neighbor's tree. The girls gathered around the tree and were in tears. "We need to get the cat down," they told me with big eyes. F*ck that cat, I thought. My husband had come to observe the commotion and he retrieved our ladder. The ground was uneven and I held the ladder as he climbed. He could not get to the very top step to reach her. It was too wobbly. I told him that I would do it if he held the latter.

I climbed up to the very top and coaxed the cat into my arms. Once I did I was like, "Shit! I can't get down." As I was figuring out what to do the cat freaked out. Started attacking me. Punctured my leg. I had no options. I couldn't throw the cat to it's death and I had to be still to avoid my own so I just screamed. The cat finally jumped down but left 4 puncture wounds in my ass. This is some off the aftermath. No butt pictures though because let's be honest- that would be gross.

 I'm probably going to get cat scratch fever or turn into an undead cat person or something.

We went rollerskating which was fun. Then Sonic for slushies and home to read. At 3:45, I told the girls to load up so I could take my little one to gymnastics. My oldest was like, "You always leave me here when you drop her off. It's only 15 minutes. I don't want to go."

"Well, I am in charge of the other girls."

"Our moms ALWAYS leave us home alone. It will be fine." They protested going so much that I told them fine. I do usually leave my daughter during that time, she's old enough and they all have phones.

When I left it was starting to rain and there was thunder. Nothing out of the ordinary. I dropped my daughter off and it was raining more heavily. By the time I got to the corner on the way home it was torrential rain. It was coming down so hard and so fast. By the time I got to the stoplight near my house the roads were flooding and there was bad wind and lightning. I couldn't turn into the entrance of my neighborhood because the water was so high. I called the girls and they were crying.

"Mom, the power is out and there is water coming down the chimney. We're scared!"

Of course, I leave these kids for 15 minutes and the sky opens up like it's f*cking Armageddon. 

I drive to the alternate entrance and the roads were really bad but not as bad as they were 1/2 a mile before. I had to drive in the center of the road in the middle of the streets in my neighborhood because the water was so high, I was sure I would stall out. 

I pull up to the house and unlock the door and the girls were sitting on the couch holding each other. There were 20 candles on the table. My daughter gathered them and lit just one. She was waiting for me to light the others. There were towels on the floor by the chimney to soak up the cup of water that came down the chimney. They had everything under control. I lit the candles and we sat and waited out the storm.

A short time later our power came back and we put on a movie. Life returned to normal.....until tomorrow when more nutty things will go down. Help me.

The Best Day of School is the Last Day of School

A few weeks ago I got a letter in my daughter's Wednesday folder that the school was going to be conducting sex ed over the next few weeks. It outlined the matter that was going to be taught by grade level and that as parents we should be discussing sexuality with our children. Okay.

Fifth grade only covers puberty. I didn't have a problem with her going. She knows it all anyway. When you have me as a mom you probably get more information then you need. So I threw out the paper and forgot about it. 

Fast forward to yesterday, I was at the school helping with an event and I forgot to tell her science teacher to make sure she goes to the library instead of getting on the bus. I normally wouldn't interrupt the class but my daughter told me they were just watching movies since it was the last full day of the school year. I knocked on the classroom door and opened it and a movie was playing and there were a group of kids sitting on the floor.

I spotted the teacher in the corner and just asked if she would make sure my daughter didn't get on the bus. She smiled at me strangely and said that she would. I scanned the room briefly for my daughter and I was a little confused because it was mostly boys. Some of the kids weren't normally in her class. They looked at me weirdly. I didn't think anything of it. I shut the door and went on with my day.

A short time later I was walked through the hall and saw one of my daughter's friends. She stopped me and she had a silly smile on her face. "Mrs. B. Your daughter was just in.....THAT class with me."  I forgot they had gender education that day.

"Oh yeah? So now you know all of the things?"

She nodded, "Yes."

The little girl behind her interjected, "And I'm scared." 

My daughter did get on the bus anyway. I fixed a snack and we chatted.

"How was your puberty class?"

"Awkward."

"Did they teach you anything you didn't know?"

"No. But someone asked what a sperm is and they said that they wouldn't tell us about that until 6th grade. We did a weird word search that had pads and tampons as the words to find."

"And vagina?"

"Yeah. How did you know that?"

A hunch. "So you did a vagina word search today at school? It doesn't get more epic than that."

She laughed. "Yeah, and we had to watch a movie about becoming a woman from Always. I think Always must have a lot of money."

"Who taught your class?"

"My English teacher and another teacher. My science teacher and a boy teacher taught the boys."

Now it all made sense. That's why my daughter's teacher was acting weird and why she wasn't in the classroom. I interrupted the nocturnal emissions movie to talk about my daughter with her teacher. Really? Only I would do that. Worst mom ever.

I immediately sent her teacher an email apologizing for being so rude and interrupting them. When my daughter came home from school today she said, "Mom. This boy came up to me at lunch and said, 'Dude, your mom came in when we were all watching that weird movie.'"

Fortunately, she doesn't have to endure too much embarrassment because today was the last day of school! I cannot believe that this year passed by so quickly. I am usually sad when school is over but this year I am excited! It's not been easy. The work is much harder and more intense. Not having to deal with homework for 2.5 months is heaven, not to mention not getting up at 5 am.

My 8 year old was so excited when she came home from school today. "Mom! Guess what? We can sleep in ALL summer. We can even sleep past 6 o'clock." Even she is getting tired of getting up early. This is the first year in 7 years that I am home with the kids all summer and I am so excited. How blessed am I?

We have SOOOOO much planned. From bowling, skating, the beach, days at the water park, movies, and a trip to Sliding Rock- we will be busy!

My girls are getting so big. They are smart, beautiful, and healthy. I could not ask for more. I am so grateful for this time I get with them. If you would have told me a year ago that I would be a stay at home mom again and that my husband would have a new job - I would have told you that you were crazy. This year has taught me many important lessons. To live in the moment, to trust in God, and to be still. 

That doesn't mean that I won't be complaining about my kids in my next blog post. I'm sure the children will give me plenty of material this summer.