This morning I was in the kitchen and my husband walked in to get some ice from the freezer. "Oh man. I hurt my ankle."
"What did you do?"
He looked at me with a closed mouth smile. "I jumped off of the picnic table...backwards."
WTF? "Why did you do that?"
"Just doing a little parkour."
My husband is into parkour right now. It's his thing. He watches parkour videos on Youtube, he knows the moves and what they are called, he could probably tell you who the top parkour people are globally as well as who invented parkour. In case you don't know that parkour is - it's called "free running" and I think it's ridiculous. People climb up buildings, jump over things, do random rolls.
He does this from time to time. He gets OBSESSED with something and will go into it full force. For a while he was into "foot bag" AKA "hackey sacking." He would buy $50 hacky sacks, would practice for hours a day, he actually went to Chicago and became a "certified foot bag instructor".
It's not just obscure sports either. For a while it was the Roman Empire. Books about the Roman Empire, movies, documentaries. When we first got married it was time travel and black holes. One day (before smart phones) he was walking into the bathroom with a REAM of paper he had printed off about time travel theories. "What are you doing?"
"Just going to use the bathroom and learn about time travel." Like that is the most normal thing in the world.
In addition to time travel, foot bag, parkour, the Roman Empire and black holes he also has had obsessions with UFOS, the theories surrounding genetic memories and guitar playing. He just picked up the guitar one day and was playing it well in just a few months.
He shares his obsessions with me which means I have to hear about them all the time. I have all this useless information in my head that he feeds to me. On the outside he is calm and quiet but still waters run deep. I swear he's some kind of evil genius or something.
I sat while he applied ice to his ankle. "Promise me that you are not going to try to do parkour. You missed that boat 20 years and 50 pounds ago. Our health insurance is not good enough for you to be jumping off of tables and shit. Can't you just start getting back into black holes again?"
He perked up when I mentioned black holes. "Actually, have you ever heard of the string theory? I've been taking notes about it on my phone....." I was sorry that I asked. I had to hear about M drives, particle propulsion, and rouge black holes for at least 20 minutes.
Speaking of phones. I did a phone check on my daughter's Instagram this afternoon which is something I do frequently. I just make sure she's not following anyone unsavory and making her delete duck-face selfies. These kids are so funny. Eleven year olds who are "single but looking."
I do not understand the obsession with relationships at such a young age. Come on kids - most of you have married parents. Does it look like fun? No, it doesn't. Believe me- before you know it you'll either be washing the socks of a man who doesn't appreciate you or with a nagging woman who has expectations that you will never be able to meet. Getting your itch scratched is just not worth it. Now go play with toys and enjoy your youth that will be robbed from you quicker than an iphone left out on a counter at a liquor store in Oakland.... and that folks is why I will never be a motivational speaker.
I continued my audit. I was scrolling through this one kid's page and I saw a cartoon drawing of a wiener. I was like WHAT?!?!?!
When I scrolled all the way down I saw that it wasn't a wiener at all but Squidwards nose from Sponge Bob Square Pants.
I showed my husband. "Is it just me or does Squidwards nose look like a floppy wiener?"
"It definitely is."
"Why would they put that on a kids show?"
He shrugged. "They've been doing that forever. I mean look at Gonzo."
AND Sponge Bob
AND the creepy Moose from Nick Jr.
The World of Gumball
What is happening in the world right now? I am very disturbed. There is no reason that cartoon characters need to be drawn like that. Why can't they have regular noses? Why do they have to make them look like dongs? It's not right. I am not some kind of pervert either because according to the Youtube there are many conspiracy theories about it.
As if raising kids isn't hard enough - every other song is about one night stands, they sell string bikinis for 5 year olds, there is innuendo in even G rated movies. Now they are drawing wieners on cartoon faces. We're in a hand basket.
I don't like it at all. While my husband studies parkour and black holes I will be searching the media for phallic innuendos. We are going on a Disney cruise in a few months -they are like the phallus empire. I bet they are hidden all over the ship. haha. I'll be on the look out.
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