The Robe

                       
On Wednesday we celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. It makes me feel kind of old but we are happy and getting old together. That's what counts.

That day my husband came home for lunch and he had two bags in his hand. A Victoria's Secret bag and a Hallmark bag.

We never get each other gifts on our anniversary. Never. Gifts is not my love language. We sat down at the table and I opened them. The Hallmark bag had a bunch of Godiva chocolate which my children confiscated. They left me one truffle. ONE. A-holes.

I opened the Victoria Secret bag and pulled out a black satin robe. The price tag was still on it.
"Thanks so much. Love you."
"Yeah...well, they said that for your thirteenth anniversary you are supposed to buy lace."
"This isn't lace. It's satin."
"I told the lady that I needed something lace and this is what she showed me."
"Did you keep the receipt?"
"Yes. Why?"
"No reason."
"You BETTER not take it back."
"I won't wear it."
"What do you mean you won't wear it?"
"I already have a satin robe."
"No you don't."
"Yes I do. I just don't wear it."
"Well you could."
"It's just not my style. Besides, it was $55. That is too much for a robe."
"No it's not. It's a classy robe."
"Seriously? We spent our wedding night on a $99 futon. We are going to Taco Bell for dinner for Christ's sake. I'm kind of white trash."
"Take it back and get something you want."
"I could use an electric can opener...."
"NO. You will not buy an electric can opener. Buy something for yourself."
"I don't need anything."
"You're impossible."
"I like the chocolate and I appreciate you thinking of me." *smile*

I am impossible to buy for. That's why I don't ask for anything. I know I'm impossible. If I want something, I buy it. I don't need grand gestures and I am much too practical for a $55 crotch - high satin robe. He was so funny about it.

When he came home that evening my dad was at the house and he asked for his opinion. "See this nice robe? She doesn't even want it." My dad was like, "You know what you should have gotten? A lace bodysuit. Women love that sh*t!"
                                 
                                    
Ummmm....no a not.

We went out to Taco Bell to celebrate our anniversary with the children and one of their tag-along friends. We ordered and we were standing at the soda machine and I said to my husband, "Let's watch a romantic movie tonight." My eight year old said, "I would recommend 50 Shades of Grey for y'all."

At least 5 people stopped eating and gave us dirty looks. So many dirty looks. I don't know how she knows about that book. I might be the only person on the planet who hasn't read it. If I want to know about torture I just spend 5 minutes in the car with my children.

I knelt down to her and asked how she knew about 50 Shades of Gray. She shrugged her shoulders and replied, "US Weekly." Great.

We settled the kids in and sat down to eat our tacos. "So, what do you think has been the best year in our marriage so far?" I asked.
"I think the past 5 years have been great. The first five were the worst. We could have done a lot of things differently."
"You live and you learn."

After a stop at Office Depot to pick up computer ink we went home and watched Austin Powers. It was a romantic evening.

I still have yet to take back the robe. The robe is now our new inside joke. He was telling me about how he asked the sales lady her size and how he didn't know the difference between lace and any other material. "Except for cotton. I know cotton." He even went through the trouble of looking up the traditional anniversary gift. "Next year is ivory. I'll give you an elephant tusk," he joked.

I laughed. "Whatever. As long as it's not a lace bodysuit."