Going to See Santa

Last year, I waited until Christmas Eve to take the kids to see Santa. It was a 2 hour wait and we decided that it wasn't worth it to wait in line. I failed. This year, I was going to do better and take the kids the week before Christmas. I wanted to buy them Christmas sweaters or cute shirts, so early this week we went to Target to find something.

My youngest child was not cooperating. She was rolling her eyes and generally being miserable. She didn't like anything except for a pajama shirt that said, All I Want for Christmas is Sleep.
"I'm not buying you a pajama shirt to wear for our Santa picture and also, they only have one shirt and it's a women's medium. That's not going to fit you."
"Well, I like big shirts."
          
My oldest picked out a beautiful dress. I asked my youngest if she would like a matching dress. "No. I like this one better," she said, pointing to a black and red plaid dress. So I got it. Then on the ride home she told me, "I'm not going to wear that dress. I just said I like it better than the other dress."
"Oh - you're going to wear that dress."
"No, I'm NOT."

The past 3 days we've been having an argument about going to see Santa - that she's not going to wear the dress and that going to see Santa is stupid, ect. This is my youngest child. My oldest has been completely fine about the whole thing. What the hell?

So yesterday was the day we were supposed to go see Santa. I woke up in a good mood. I made grilled cheese sandwiches and sliced pears for lunch. I was listening to Christmas music. My 10 year old had to burst my bubble. "I'm not wearing the dress."
"Come on. Just for half an hour. I do a lot for you. Just do this one thing for me. I just want a picture of you."
"No. I'm not going to do it. I'm not wearing the dress and I'm not going."
"You are going and you are wearing the dress."
"No, I'm not."
"Yes, you are."
It became a screaming match. Finally, I thought. Why am I doing this? So what if she does agree to go? She's going to be miserable and ruin our time.
"Just stay here."
She looked at me suspiciously.
"Give me your phone. I'm disconnecting the Wifi, too."
"WHAT?!!? That's not fair!!!!"
"Life isn't fair."
I left her ass. Bye Felicia. My 12 year old said, "I'm getting my own picture?"
"Yes. I'm pretending that I have an only child this year. One day we are going to look through our pictures and I will have to explain to your sister's children why she's not in the picture." I hope her kids are terrible. I'm going to laugh and laugh.

We walked into the mall at 1:03 pm and walked up to the Santa station. There was a big sign that said Santa feeds his reindeer from 1-2 pm everyday.                            
               
We walked around for a while. I watched my daughter smell every lotion in Bath and Body Works. Every single one. We went to Annie Anns and I stuffed my disgusting face with carbs.

Then we headed back to see Santa. There was already a line forming. My daughter was strangely excited for this event considering she knows Santa isn't real. "Can we go see Santa every year until I go to college?"
"Sure."
She continued, "Next year I'll be in 8th grade, then the year after that I'll be in high school and then 4 years after that, I'm moving out of your house."
"Good," I replied, "I'm tired of supporting you financially."
The woman standing next to us whipped her head around and gave me the dirtiest look.
              
                   
I wanted to give her the finger. She was standing there with her only child, an 18 month old. I know what she was thinking: You are a horrible mother! How can you say that to your child? How could you want your precious offspring to grow up and LEAVE YOU? How can you complain about financially supporting your children? That is your responsibility. You should do it with love. I will never say something so cold and callous like that to my children.

Guess what lady? You don't know what the fuck you are talking about. First of all, I was just kidding. Take a joke. Second of all, you don't even know what's in store for you. Your kid isn't old enough to be an asshole yet. Don't get me wrong, 18 month olds can definitely act like assholes but they don't do it on purpose. I didn't know either. I was a clueless asshole, too. Now pick up your kid's sippy cup, turn around and mind your own damn business.

We were almost to the front, where they had the picture packages posted. I thought I was blind. This cannot be. The cheapest package was $23 for two 4X6 pictures. What the actual hell? With tax it would be almost $25. That is a QUARTER OF A HUNDRED DOLLARS for a picture with Santa. Seriously, even if it was $15, they would be making a 400% profit. I am all for capitalism but that is jut disgraceful. Parents are out here trying to put food on the table, clothes on the back of their kids, put dinner on the table and the fucking mall is charging them a QUARTER OF A HUNDRED DOLLARS for a TINY picture with Santa. That is just unacceptable. Jesus is angry right now. Jesus is angry that you're taking your kid to see Santa too, maybe but he's definitely angry that these people are greedy.
                           

I didn't want to do it, just on principle - but my sweet daughter had dressed up and waited in line for 40 minutes. I had to do it.

We got up to the front and the lady asked what package we wanted.
"Is this $23 package the cheapest one?" I asked. I was holding onto hope that they had some secret $15 picture deal they weren't advertising.
The lady looked at me like I was some kind of cheap asshole. "Yes," she replied. BOO.

Then she looked my daughter up and down and said, "You don't sit on Santa's lap. You sit next to him."
My daughter nodded and walked over and sat down next to him. She smiled for the picture and while I paid, she chatted with him. He gave her a little paper elf hat and told her to have a Merry Christmas.

She kept the paper elf hat on her head as we walked out of the mall. She is at this weird age where she can't decide if she wants to be a grown up or a little kid. Like, she wants to kiss boys and wear makeup but she also wants to hug teddy bears and color. It's so funny to watch.

"What did Santa say to you?" I asked
"Well, he asked me what grade I was in and I said seventh. Then he asked me what my favorite subject was in school and I told him ELA and Literature. Then he asked me what I want to be when I grow up and I told him I want to be a band director. Then he asked what instrument I played and I told him the flute and then he said, 'Not many people can do that'. Then he patted me on the back to get up and said 'Merry Christmas'."
"Did he ask you what you wanted for Christmas?" I asked.
She shook her head. "No! He didn't even ask me if I was good this year! I think he thought I was too old for Santa." She was offended.
"You are too old for Santa," I laughed.
"But I'm still a small child." This kid is a hot mess.
"Oh well, your mom gets all your presents anyway, so you should just tell me what you want for Christmas."
"You already know."
"I'm not getting you a $55 sweatshirt, just so you know."
"Thanks, mom."

When I got home, I put the $23 picture in the Santa frame. Later that evening, when my 10 year old came downstairs, I pointed at it and said, "Look at how pretty your sister looks in her Santa picture. I'll be she's not getting coal." Worst Mom Ever. Bad Mom Award.