That Queef Story

 
As you can tell from the previous posts, it was a rough week. I've been ill, the kids were down in the dumps, my husband was 3,000 miles away, my dog had diarrhea in the living room.... You know, the usual.

On Thursday, I dropped off Thing 2 at gymnastics and went home to fix dinner. My 12 year old greeted me at the door with a big hug. "I was looking at your grades today and your pre-algebra grade is 5 points higher than last semester. That's awesome!"
"Can we go get ice cream cones from Sonic tonight?" she asked, with pleading eyes.
                                     
That sounded like a great idea. We needed an outing. "Tell you what - come with me to pick up your sister from practice and we can go get ice cream cones and then drive around the neighborhood and look at Christmas lights and listen to Christmas music."

She was so excited. I was glad. That evening, she got in the car with me and we went to retrieve my youngest. She was pleased with the plan. Traffic was backed up on our way to Sonic. We decided to play "A My Name Is" to pass the time. My kids LOVE that game. It's a word game where you go down the alphabet and name yourself, your spouse, where you live and what you sell.

For example, the first person would say, "A my name is Anita and my husband's name is Albert. We live in Alabama and we sell alligators." Then the next person might say, "B my name is Betty and my husbands name is Benjamin. We live in Bethesda and we sell bicycles." You take turns until you get through the alphabet. We were driving along, playing the game and laughing. We get to the letter "Q" and it's my 12 year old's turn. She begins, "Q my name is Queenie and my husband's name is Queef...." I was stunned.
            
She looked at me like nothing was wrong. "What?"
"Where did you hear that word?"
"Some kids at school. What's the big deal?"
Of course. They're all a bunch of perverts- the whole lot of them.
"That's not a word that you just use. Do you know what it means?"
She looked curious now. "No. What does it mean?"

I have the kind of relationship with my kids where nothing is off the table. We can talk about anything and I will always answer their questions honestly and age appropriately. I worked at the Health Department for 5 years, nothing shocks me or makes me uncomfortable. So, I did it. I told them the definition of queef.

They laughed and laughed and thought it was the most hilarious and absurd thing that they ever heard. Once they got control of themselves, I told her to try again. "Q my name is Queenie and my husband's name is Quentin. We live in Queensland and we sell..." She paused for a moment while she tried to think of something that begins with the letter Q. Then she said, "And we sell queef stoppers."

I know I shouldn't have laughed; I'm a mother for God's sake. But I did. They were uncontrollable. "That's not even a thing. Let's have some decency now." My 12 year old was wiping the tears from her eyes. "Just kidding, we sell quilts."

We ate our ice cream cones and then drove back to our neighborhood. The moon was HUGE that night and we admired it. My 10 year old said, "Oh! I have a song for this!" She put on "Nine in the Afternoon" and the three of us sang it at the top of our lungs, "It's 9 in the afternoon and your eyes are the size of the moon!!!!" Because of these kids, I know every shitty Panic at the Disco song (and Twenty One Pilots, Melanie Martinez, Halsey). I didn't mind it so much that night.

Then, we drove through the neighborhood and admired the lights and listened to Christmas carols. Everyone was in a good mood, the kids kept teasing me for not knowing where I was going, we laughed and the atmosphere was light. It was seriously the best night ever. It was like exhaling after holding your breath underwater. All the crap from the week started to melt away. It was just me and my girls and all was right with the world.