Mall Madness

                        
On Saturday morning, I went to our city's parade to watch my oldest march. I was carrying my lounge chair and walking up the road when I ran into a friend of my youngest daughter. She ran over and hugged me and then said, "Your daughter said you were taking us to the mall today. Thank you so much!" I was like, "What?!?!?!" That was the first time I heard that. I like how my kids just make plans without consulting me.

We had a very busy day planned but I relented and told her that we could go in the evening. When my older daughter caught wind of this plan she asked if she could have 2 friends come to the mall with us. Why not? The more the merrier.

I followed them into the mall begrudgingly. I hate the mall. I probably only enter the mall a handful of times a year. Usually when my kids have money to spend. I just hate shopping in general. I don't enjoy it. It doesn't make me happy. I can name 300 other things I'd rather be doing then shopping. I mean, I DO shop. You kind of have to but I buy most things on Amazon Prime because I don't like to put pants on and leave the house. When I do go to a store it's for something specific. If I need black shoes I go straight to the shoe section, get what I need and leave. You will never find me perusing the aisles at Target. That's just not me.

My kids had their own money. My youngest has been hoarding the same $100 since her birthday. My oldest had like, $10 in loose change in a jelly jar like the hot mess that she is.

I let the 7th grade girls go on their own and told them to meet me in the Food Court at 6 pm. My 10 year old was like, "We want to go on our own too!" I knew she was going to be a little shit about it. "I didn't let your sister walk the mall at 10." We compromised. I would stay 8 feet behind. Close enough to see them and be with them, but not close enough that anyone would associate them with me.

The first store they wanted to go into was Hot Topic. Everytime I'm in Hot Topic with the kids I feel weird. Everyone in there is like:

              
And I'm just like:
                              
I think, I don't belong here. The irony is that most goth kids feel like they don't belong - so even though I am old and not a goth - we are kind of the same when I am in Hot Topic. It blows my mind a little. Everything comes full circle.

Then we went to JC Penny. I stood around, bored, as they browsed through clothes. They tried to lose me and I had to chase their asses down. I wanted to beat them. At one point I heard my daughter's friend exclaim, "I need an emo boyfriend."
            
You don't need a boyfriend. You only need Jesus. This is my life. This is my existence now. I asked my daughter, "Do YOU want a boyfriend?"
She shook her head. "No. I don't like human beings in general."
Somehow, I was not surprised by her response.

Before long, it was time to meet up with the 7th graders at the food court. We sat at one of the tables and they showed me their purchases and filled me in on their mall adventures. At one point one of the girls put their arms around the other. Then she looked at me and said, "Mrs.B, never let a boy put his arm around your shoulder - he's going to try to touch your boob."
            
I digested that comment. I don't know why that needed to be shared with me. It's advice coming 20 years too late. "Don't worry. I'll never let a boy put his arms around my shoulder."

I was over being at the mall and the children making questionable statements to me but they wanted to make one last stop at Rue 21. The browsed forever. I wanted to stab my eyeballs out with a hanger. I couldn't take it. My oldest held up a sweatshirt. "What do you think, mom?"
"The truth?"
"Yeah."
"I think it's hideous and it looks like someone fished it out of a dumpster."
"That's why I love it. I'm getting it."

That trash-chic look must be "in" right now because her friend brought the same one. Then they all brought this turtleneck that had cut outs down the sleeves - which defeats the purpose of a turtleneck. Then my 12 year old and 10 year old were screaming at each other and almost had a fist fight in the check out line. I thought mall security was going to get called on us.

I need therapy after the mall trip.

Then, somehow ALL of the kids wound up sleeping over at my house. Five girls. Then neighbor boy showed up at some point in the evening. They wanted to watch this horribly tragic movie, If I Stay and they all cried because they are hormonal and out-of-control. My life is a circus.