What's So Amazing About Really Deep Thoughts

                            
Last night we attended my husband's company Christmas party -except it was in January so they called it a "Winter Bash." I was grateful. December is always jammed packed, so this was much better. It was a good excuse to dress up and go downtown for a free dinner.

I wound up sitting next to my husband's co-worker and his wife. They have 3 kids: an elementary aged kid, a toddler and a baby. They talked about what life is like - waking up in the middle of the night, sippy cups, changing diapers. We listened as they lamented about how expensive it is. I feel like parents of young children don't look at us like we are "real" parents anymore. We are not in the trenches. I have not wiped my kid's asses since Facebook debuted.

You WANT to tell them that it gets easier. But let's be real....it's all downhill from here. The minute parenting stops being physically exhausting it automatically flips to be emotionally exhausting. Diapers, wipes, and daycare are expensive......but that doesn't get better. Between paying for sports, instruments, cell phone plans, clothing, summer camps. It's rough. Now we really need to plan ahead because we'll have to pay for driving school this summer for my oldest and car insurance for her. There will be ACT/SAT test prep, there will be yearbooks and class rings and proms. The next 3-5 years will be pricey and then we get to help pay for college for the next 6 years after that. We have just surrendered ourselves to it at this point.

When they become fully functioning independent adults we won't even know what to do with ourselves. We're going to think we are Rockefellers.

After we talked about the children, we talked about our houses. This couch that they hate that eats everything. The HVAC unit that was installed wrong when the house was built. Flood insurance. This is adulting. You start having opinions about things like flood insurance and property taxes. You have a favorite burner and a junk drawer with rubber bands, a screwdriver, and some loose batteries. You frown when you notice the layer of dust on your baseboards.

I am a suburban mother. Through and through. I wake up in the morning and make breakfast and pack lunches. I shuttle kids to school. I carpool. I cook nutritious dinners and I bake cookies. I tend to the flowers in the hanging baskets in my porch. I kiss my husband when he gets home from work in the evening. I am completely ordinary.

I don't mind it, really, but I find it amusing. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I didn't marry my husband.

I would have attended college in North Jersey. I would have been a little wild. I'd move to New York City and be happy there for a while. Overtime, I would grow weary of the cold weather and people that take themselves so seriously. I'd find myself in some small mountain town in North Carolina.

I'd write trash novels with a lot of mystery and a little bit of sex. I'd live in some studio apartment above a hipster coffee bar. The floors would be pine and covered with oriental rugs. The place would be bright and cheery and I'd have shelves and shelves of books. I'd have a small balcony with a worn rocking chair and wind chimes hanging. I'd wear tea dresses and sandals and have long hair that I'd wear in a bread and a tiny, silver nose ring.

I'd have a  grey cat named Scarlet who I want to be a lap cat but she just sits on the edge of the couch and just looks at me with resting bitch face. I'll have one good friend. His name is Tom. He is tall, gay and teases me for my fashion choices. I adore him. I'd exist on coffee and antidepressants. I text my family with vague promises to visit them, but I won't. I do send birthday cards to my siblings and nieces and nephews to assuage my guilt.

I take lovers. We drink wine in the evenings and they confess their love for me but I just laugh. We make love with all the lights on but I kick them out of my bed in the morning without even offering them a cup of coffee. I'd be loney but not too upset about it. I'd smile at babies in the grocery store and lament that I'd never have children of my own because I know, deep down that I would not be a good mother.

Some people will read that and think I'm just some rambling, crazy person but others will understand what I'm tying to say.

I am living the life I am supposed to be living, and it is a good life. I am grateful for it but there are little pieces of this free spirit inside of me. Living in suburbia is good for the children. It's a perfect place for families but the banality of it can wear on you sometimes. There is this sort of quiet desperation in the suburbs. Wives with monogramed tote bags and SUVs who are annoyed with their husbands for not helping enough around the house. Husbands with grills, that spend their Sundays watching football, who complain about their wives not giving it up enough. Bless us all.

I try to do things to keep myself entertained. Sometimes I'll just put on a fancy dress and dance in my living room, or say the f-word when I'm not supposed to, or try to convince my husband to park the car in some wooded area and make out with me. When the kids were young - we'd blow bubbles, walk barefoot in the grass, play in the rain, and make so many wonderful messes. It used to drive my husband crazy. He came home once to my kids covered in pudding paint. "They are just leaning and tapping into their creative side," I told him. I want to eat curry in India, and hike to waterfalls and feel the sun on my face. Being alive is so wonderful. I do try to FEEL alive, even if I'm a little weird and ridiculous in the process. I try to balance my free spirit and suburban mom side of myself and most of the time they co-exist just fine.

A few months ago, I was laying in bed with my husband and we were laughing about something. He laid his head on my shoulder and said, "I could never be married to someone logical," he said. I wasn't offended. I understood what he was trying to say. I smiled at him. "Well, thank you."

Gymnastics Girl

                                              
The gymnastic competition season is officially over for my kid! Yay! I LOVE watching my child compete but it sure can be stressful. She had a good season this year, over all. She got to stand on the podium a lot which made her happy. It has not been easy. It has been a long road.

I like to post my daughter's accomplishments and often friends and family will see pictures of her at awards, with medals around her neck and videos of her competitions. There is so much to the sport that isn't seen and isn't shared.

Gymnastics is not an easy sport. It LOOKS easy but it takes a huge amount of time and commitment. It is getting harder. She just competed her last compulsory level. Basically, in the Junior Olympic program Levels 1-5 are compulsory where ALL the gymnasts perform the same routines at all the events. Levels 6-10 are optionals where each level has certain skills the gymnast needs to master but they perform their own routines. The skills are a lot harder. College gymnasts compete consistently well at Level 10. Gymnasts beyond level 10 are Elite - these are your Olympic gymnasts.

Next year, my daughter will compete Level 7. She has all of her Level 7 skills already except for bars. Bars are her actual kryptonite - she hates them. She is really excited to compete optionals. She gets to pick her own floor music - she's going to do the Game of Thrones theme. I can't wait to watch her.

It's been interesting to watch her do gymnastics the past 5 years. You notice that as the girls go up in levels, there are fewer and fewer gymnasts. The time commitment and the skill level increases with each level - as does the risk of injury. She is in the gym 4 days a week now, for 3-4 hours and this will increase to 5 days a week at the optional level.

The skills are much harder. They do back handsprings on the beam, difficult tumbling passes, they do tucks off the beam, handstands on the bar,  giants.
                         
                                 
In a lot of ways, gymnastics is as much as a mental sport as a physical sport. The amount of mental toughness it requires and the ability to overcome fear is a HUGE part of the sport. It is scary to master some of these upper level skills - could you imagine flinging yourself backwards on a 6-inch wooden beam? No thank you. Where skills came easily before, they don't come so easily now. My daughter might need to be spotted HUNDREDS of times while learning a skill before she is able to do it on her own.

There are injuries. It's not uncommon for her to come home and ice an ankle or a knee. Many times she'll come home with bleeding, ripped open palms and I help wash them out, clip the skin and apply ointment. Sometimes she's really sore. Sometimes she is discouraged. These are the things that others do not see.

Last month, she was at practice and I got a phone call from her. She seemed totally calm, "Hey mom - I kind of had a bad fall. Can you come pick me up?"
"A bad fall? What happened?" I asked.
" Nothing, I just landed wrong on my head kind of. I'm fine," she reassured me.

Of course, I was freaked out and immediately headed over to the gym. As I was en route, my girlfriend called me and told me about it. She was there and saw it happen. She said it looked really bad and that she came down on her chest hard and then her head and neck. I ran into the gym. Ran. I needed to put my eyes and my hands on my child.

I walked into the gym and immediately exhaled when I saw her tumbling on the floor. She was okay. She half smiled when she saw me and walked over. She hugged me. "Are you okay? What hurts?" I asked. "Just my neck and chest. Really, I'm okay." I told her to go to the locker room and collect her things and her coach came over and we talked about when happened.

She came out of the locker room and we went to the car. On the way home, she cried. My child never cries. She is tough as nails and generally unemotional about things. She spoke about being discouraged about learning a new skill, that she was stressed out and tired. I did a lot of listening.
I told her, "Gymnastics is supposed to be fun. You love gymnastics, once it stops being fun, I don't want you to do it. The pressure you feel is coming from yourself. Not me and dad, not your coaches. You are 12. This is not the Olympics. You have plenty of time. If you push too hard and are stressed out, you will make mistakes and get hurt. Let's take a step back and focus on resting and feeling well."

She took 3 days off to nurse her neck. It was a little sore, so we did lots of ice and ibuprofen, then heat and massage and she felt a lot better. I texted her coaches and told them that she would only be in gym 2 times a week for the next few weeks. That I felt like taking some time was best for her physical and mental health. She has awesome coaches who were completely supportive and agreed. I love her coaches so much. She had a meet that week- but you know what? Oh well. It's not the Olympics, this is level 5 gymnastics. She went to gym twice that week. She rested, she spent time with the family, she re-charged, she iced her ankle that has been giving her trouble and she did awesome at her meet. She needed that. Then, she was back in her regular routine. The child was at the gym on New Years Eve.

I am very big on making sure she maintains some semblance of a normal life. There are not many kids who train 12-15 hours a week, year round. She does miss out on some things because she has gym but I always make sure she gets to participate in other activities and events as much as possible. She wanted to be in student council, so she is late to gym when she has meetings. If she wants to go to a dance, a birthday party, or the football game - I let her miss gym or switch days. If she has an injury or is exhausted, I pick her up early. Gymnastics is a big part of her life but it's not her WHOLE life. If she feels like she is missing out on other things, or if she becomes burned out, or if she tries to "train through" an injury - she will want to quit. I think trying to maintain some sort of balance has been vital.

I am proud of her all the time. I have sat and watched when she was first place on the podium and last place and I am proud. I remind her often that this is not a sprint, it is a marathon. You are going to be first sometimes, you are going to be last sometimes and sometimes you will be inbetween. All of those things are okay. Just do your best. I do not live vicariously through my children. Their accomplishments belong to them, their failures do too. I am here to encourage and support.

People sometimes joke to her that they want to see her in the Olympics and she laughs. She does not have Olympic aspirations. She's a little too old for that already. College is a possibility but I don't know if she will do gymnastics in college. College gymnastics is extremely difficult to get into and it can be BRUTAL. At this point in time, she says that she wants to do gymnastics through high school and then "retire" before college. I would be 100% okay with that. BUT I would hope that she maybe attends a college with a club team so that she still has the option to do gymnastics in a low-stress environment. She could even coach at a local club when she is in college which would be a great job in the evenings or Saturdays. I think she would enjoy that. It will be hard when gymnastics ends because it has been such a huge part of her life.

She has a LOT of time to figure things out and her plans might change and that's okay. I remind her of that all the time: you have options.

People think we are crazy. We have spent a lot of time and money on gymnastics. I drop her off and pick her up 4-5 days a week, we have spent a lot of time traveling and we sit for 3 hours to watch our daughter compete for 5 minutes. Gymnastics is more than a monthly car payment and during competition season, more than a luxury car payment. We sacrifice hugely. I may never see any financial benefit from it (unless she gets a scholarship, IF that is what SHE wants to pursue). I am okay with that because I still think it is money well spent. She loves gymnastics, she has made so many friends and close relationships, she has learned so many important lessons about patience, commitment, perseverance, dedication and friendship. We have so many memories of going to watch her, and the thrill of when her name comes up on the score board with a 9+, and the smile on her face when she is on the podium. Those things are priceless to us.

I am excited for her. I think her future is bright!

It's Almost Christmas Again

  
Well, here we are again. It's 3 days until Christmas and I'm ALMOST ready. I have finished my gift shopping. I'll do my big grocery trip tomorrow. Last night my husband turned to me and asked, "Are you ready to spend 2 solid days straight in the kitchen?" Hahaha. He is not even lying.

This is the second year that the kids don't believe in Santa. It makes the Christmas season different somehow. It just FEELS different. Not bad, maybe a little less stressful. We don't have to do Elf on the Shelf anymore- BLESS UP. Although, whenever Hollister Boy comes over, he moves the elf. I don't know why he does this, maybe because he never had an elf. It is a little fun to track him down, so I can now appreciate the appeal of it for young children. We still do all the Christmas-y things that we always do. The kids were excited to get their Disney Advent calendars and once a week, we light a fire and roast marshmallows and watch a holiday movie together. Last night we watched a Muppet Christmas Carol and we sang along to the songs together. Tonight we will go out to dinner and go see the lights, which is a yearly tradition.

The kids really do like doing these things. They don't roll their eyes or protest. I think it brings back some of the magic for them. It links their childhood to the present. It's so weird when the kids reminisce about the years behind them. "Mom, do you remember when I was little and.....?" or "When I was a kid...." I gives me pause because to me they are still KIDS, but the don't see themselves that way.

Christmas is expensive and the older the kids get, the more expensive it is. Don't even ask me for a damn Apple watch, or an Apple laptop, or some $300 hoverboard. Ugggggh. Both my kids have iphone Xs though, so I actually am a piece of shit.

I am usually really good and I buy a lot of stuff ahead of time and this year was no different, but we literally got pummeled this year. So going into December, I had my budget and was good to go. Then I got a phone call from my daughter's dance studio reminding me that we owed $225 for costumes for the May recital. We pay this every year in December but my daughter hasn't danced since last June so I literally just forgot. Then we had to put down $150 for summer camp. Then we found out we would have to travel for a gymnastics meet, then the battery died in my car and I had to replace that to the tune of $160.

I sat down and wrote everything out and looked it all over. I will not take any more money out of my savings account. Not after the air conditioning unit and damn cat surgery. I don't give a f*ck if we have to eat rice and beans. I generally don't stress about stuff like this. We are faithful.
                              
So I prayed on it and decided that I was going to sell all the sh*t laying around in my house. If we haven't used it in 3 years, I sold it. We had an iPhone 6, perfect condition, in it's original box, just sitting in the closet. Why?!?!? I actually purged a lot of stuff from my house. I donated and threw away a lot of stuff too. It's a good thing to do to prepare for the New Year, anyway.

I sold enough stuff to cover ALL of our "extra" expenses. 
               
I'm am literally not keeping up with the Joneses, there is no magical pot of money, there is no unlimited credit. I don't care what other people think. If you invite me out and I'm trying to pay for camp, or go to Mexico, or buy Christmas, or be stay at home mom.....I will say "no". I will never over-extend myself.

Besides getting ready for Christmas, I've been dealing with health issues. I have a cardiac issue that was diagnosed about 8 years ago. I was having bad tachycardia and passing out. I have an arrhythmia that originates from the upper chambers of my heart. At that time, I went through all kind of tests. I had a holter monitor for weeks, EKGS, echos, an MRI study of my heart....my heart beats irregularly but the structure of my heart is good. I have a leaky valve but that is not the cause of my arrhythmia. At that time, they didn't "do" anything. I just have to be careful about what I do. I have to limit my caffeine intake and I have to NEVER get dehydrated. I try not to over exert myself. I'll never run a marathon but I can do moderate exercise. If my heart beats fast or palpitates, I drink a BIG container of Gatorade or Powerade. I've done great for 8 years. Haven't had issues.

Well, last month, for whatever reason, I started to have heart palpitations out of the blue. For 2 days, I was having 60-70 a day. To a normal person, that sounds alarming but if you break it down, it's only like 3-4 an hour. I felt fine otherwise- no chest pain, no shortness of breath, no light headedness or passing out, my heart RATE is normal.

So, I took extra care to relax, drank a shit ton of Gatorade and BANA water, stopped drinking alcohol completely (I usually have 3 glasses of wine a WEEK), started an additional potassium supplement, limited my coffee fro 12 oz to 8 oz and my palpitations decreased to 10 a day, to 5 a day. I've still been having a few everyday but I have no other symptoms and I FEEL good.

I haven't seen my cardiologist since 2011 and I went for a follow up this week because even though I don't feel like I'm going to die, my heart beating irregularly for this long warrants a trip to the cardiologist. He was so funny. "Does it make you feel anxious?" he asked about my palpitations. 
I shrugged, "Not really. I have no other symptoms. I feel good. I could have just gone to the ER and they would give me fluids and potassium and stabilize me and then would tell me to follow up with my cardiologist. I've know how this works. So I just decided to give myself fluids and potassium and follow up with my cardiologist." He laughed. "That's probably true." My EKG looks good and I'm not in immediate danger. He does think that I may have had a viral infection and because I have an arrhythmia it may have presented with palpitations and that might be a life-long thing. I had some blood work done on Monday at my new primary doctor so we are going to wait to get that back before we do any other tests.

My heart is not the only thing wrong with me. My sh*t is f*cked up. I was diagnosed with RA at 23 after 7 years of consistent joint pain. I have a GI issue. I will randomly have tinnitus and nephropathy in my fingers. I have this weird ice pick headache that lasts 30 seconds and originates from my temple and shoots through my head. I have severe fatigue, sometimes muscle pain. I get hives randomly. My symptoms have come and go through the years, they vary in severity. I have been diagnosed with everything under the sun it feels like, or mostly doctors will THINK I have some issue but my tests and blood work are always normal. I don't look "sick enough" so many times I get dismissed. I have not seen a primary doctor in 6 years because really, I'm done. Either I'm told it's all in my head or they are trying to prescribe me heavy-duty medicine like Humira or Loratab. Ummmmm......no thank you.

I manage my own symptoms. If I'm having a lot of joint pain, I take ibprofen. I try to eat very clean and healthy. I drink a lot of water. I take supplements for nutritional support. I HAVE to get 8-9 hours of sleep at night. I try to pace myself and not over-do it. If I know I'm going to have a period of time where things are stressful, I clear my schedule as much as possible the following week to make sure I can re-cooperate.

With my cardiac issue acting up again, I have re-established with a new doctor. I'm at a holistic practice because I need a change. They tested for nutritional deficiencies as well as Lymes disease and co-infections associated with it. That is like, the only thing I've never been tested for. I don't go back until January 7th.

In spite of this, I have never considered myself sick. I don't. I'm consider myself well, with a few issues here and there. This is my normal. I have had joint pain every day for a long as I remember. I try not to complain and people really would never know. My husband is the only one who REALLY knows because he's seen me crawl into bed at 7:30 pm with crushing fatigue, or soaking in the bathtub because I am so sore and achy, he's retrieved ice packs, and heat pads and ibuprofen. He has picked up my slack at times when I have really not been well.

In spite of this, I have lived a very full life. I have thrived. I have done all the things I've wanted to do. I haven't let it stop me. It's certainly slowed things down but that's okay. I don't want anyone to worry about me or feel bad for me. F*CK that. I don't feel bad for myself. My life is good and I have been blessed. Hopefully, I'll get some answers soon.

Anyway, I need to go clean out my fridge and get my grocery list together because I'm about to spend 2 solid days in the kitchen. Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Coming Out

                     
                         *I have written this post with permission from my daughter*

My original intention was to post this on coming out day. That was October 11th and it is now December 12th. That's how my life goes.

My 12 year old daughter is gay. At least she says that she is and I have no reason not to believe her. We knew it may be coming for quite some time. When she was in fourth grade, she told us, "I haven't decided if I want to marry a boy or a girl when I grow up." To which I replied, "Well, you aren't getting married for quite a while so you have lots of time to figure it out."

And as time went on, things became more clear. In the middle of sixth grade, we were in the car driving to gymnastics. We were chatting and she said to me. "It's girls. I like girls." It was kind of out of the blue and not related to the conversation. "That's okay," I told her. "But, mom, do you want me to like boys instead?" she asked. I thought about what she was really asking me and I thought about how I felt deep in my heart. "The only thing I want is for you to be happy." That is 100% the truth. I was not sad, upset or disappointed. That was that. There was little fanfare about the whole thing.

In the time since, we have talked about it a lot. Gay people don't always lead easy lives. People can be unkind. I have done the best I can to prepare her for that. We talk a lot of finding people who are going to love and support her and how to be okay with who she is. The truth of the matter is, some people are going to judge you and be rude no matter what. I was a 19 year old pregnant white girl who was married to a Puerto Rican. Believe me, if I would have allowed myself to be crushed by the weight of other people's judgements, I'd be Flat Stanley by now.

It is not a secret, but I don't necessarily advertise it either. People's reactions are often, "Why didn't you tell me?" To which I reply, "I don't think it's relevant." If you ask someone about their kids they don't say, "Well, little Johnny likes baseball - he's also straight, by the way." So why should it be any different? People always have LOTS of questions and comments about it. Here are some of them:

So did you know? Were you upset?
I suspected. I wasn't upset. It changes nothing about my daughter, my relationship with my daughter, or my family at all.

Do you support this?
If by support this do you mean, do I love and support who my daughter is? Then yes. I support not being a dick. We don't fly a pride flag outside our house or think there are 64 genders but we are generally non-judgemental of people based on their race, religion and sexual orientation.

Wow, you're lucky that she would be so open with you. 
We are open people. Our kids know that we love them no matter what. We don't want our children to fear us and they can come to us for ANYTHING. As much as possible, we try not to keep secrets and be honest with one another. We are not perfect, but we strive for this.

She doesn't seem gay. 
She doesn't have short hair, or dress like a boy, or listen to Melissa Etheridge or watch Ellen. She doesn't plan to move to Vermont and convert an old barn into a house and wear flannel and overalls and run a raw milk farm. But she still could be gay.

Do you think it's a phase?
I am taking her word for it. It's how she feels at this point in time. I have chosen not to minimize her feelings. Surely some kids struggle with their sexuality and are confused about it. I do not know what will happen in the future.

What was your husbands reaction?
Honestly? He was not upset or disappointed either. It takes a lot of worries off of his shoulders. He was a teenage boy once upon a time. There is that saying, "If you have a son you only have to worry about one penis but when you have a daughter you have to worry about every penis." Well, if you have a lesbian daughter, you don't have to worry about any penises. Silver linings, people, silver linings.

Are you worried that other parents won't let their kids hang out with your daughter?
Kind of. I think there are some parents that think there is such a thing as gay contagion. If there are parents that wouldn't want their child to be around mine for that reason, than that is too bad for their child. Because my daughter is kind, funny, incredibly smart, creative, talented, loyal, all around amazing person, and a good friend. She is like every other 12 year old girl. She just happens to like girls. That doesn't define her.

This parenting gig is not easy. We all have dreams and wishes for who we want our children to be and how we hope that their lives will turn out. Our children have their own dreams, their own wishes and their own lives. I try to remember that. I am here to teach them, to keep them safe, to love them, to help them grow into functioning adults. I want them to love themselves and be okay with WHO THEY ARE.

One day, I hope my daughter finds someone who loves her and treats her good. If that happens to be a woman, I will throw them a big-ass wedding and I will put two brides on the top of the cake. They might adopt some babies from China and I will buy those babies seersucker outfits and books and stuffed animals and I'll post pictures on Facebook and I will be HAPPY AS A CLAM. If other people don't like it? I will give exactly zero f*cks.

It's been a little bit of an adventure. She had a girlfriend for a little while. I think they got together because they are the only girls that like girls. hahaha.

I know I'm getting judged over here. Like, who lets their 7th grader have a girlfriend/boyfriend? Fun story. I had lunch with my daughter on Friday. I sat with her and her friends. The girl who sat across from me who I've known since she was in the 2nd grade, was the sweetest little thing. Now she is taller than me and was wearing mascara and lip gloss. She told me about her boyfriend. "I'm not allowed to date but I don't care. My parents don't have to know." I don't know this child's parents. Which is surprising, because I know a lot of parents. I looked at her and said, "What happened to you child?" To which she replied, " A LOT." The boy next to me piped in, "Yeah! School and puberty!" I was straight up like:
                     
                                     These 7th graders really be out here.

 So anyway, yes, my daughter had a girlfriend that I knew about. She would come over on Wednesdays after school. I'd get them slushies and we'd have family dinners and they'd sit on the couch and watch TV. Sometimes we'd go out somewhere together. It was fine. Unless they were holding hands. Then, I would be freaked out.

In my defense, I also get freaked out when my oldest and Hollister boy hold hands. I hate it.
                                
                                     Stop putting your fingers between each other's fingers. 

Holding hands is a gateway drug. One day you are holding hands, then before you know it you have your tongues in each other's mouth, and then next thing you know you are in the backseat of a station wagon on some remote part of Route 49 and it's already 5 minutes past your curfew and now your going to be grounded for 2 weeks but it's kind of worth it but low-key not and you are wondering how you even got here in the first place.....HOLDING HANDS. That's how. Anyway, I'm just projecting now. Also, that is a completely hypothetical situation that I would know absolutely nothing about.

Seriously though, do you know how nerve wracking it is once your kids mature? It's like sending them out into the world every day with a loaded gun. "Can you put that thing in a safe? Because if you play with it and it accidentally goes off - it's going to ruin all of our lives."  
                        

Bless the boys. Some of them are just off the chain at this age. Do you think the fact that my daughter is publicly gay has stopped the boys? No. No it hasn't. She came home a few weeks ago and was like, "Oh my God! Mom, my friend said that one of her guy friends wants me to have his babies." SEVENTH GRADE PEOPLE!!!! What is wrong with the kids these days? When I was in 7th grade, boys would flash condoms at you but they never wanted to trap you with a baby. What the hell?!?!?!

This other boy, bless him, just loves her and he has been trying so hard. "I finally just had a heart to heart with him and gave it to him straight. I said, 'You can't like me. It's never going to happen. You have to find a girl that likes boys." hahaha. The struggle is actually real.

The years ahead of us should be interesting. I am happy though. I am proud of my daughters and love them NO MATTER WHAT. That is my coming out.

Love is a Burning Thing

Everyone broke up in November, at least in the kid-world that I'm living in. My youngest daughter broke up with her girlfriend of 5 months (yes, I said GIRLFRIEND and yes, I'll write a whole blog about that), my oldest daughter's best friend broke up with her boyfriend, and her best guy-friend broke up with his girlfriend, even my daughter and Hollister Boy broke up. That break-up only lasted about 2 days but it did happen.

There have been a lot of tears and I've sat and listened and offered bowls and bowls of ice cream. I'm always fascinated that the young people want to be in relationships. Relationships are infinitely difficult. But they serve a purpose, they are a learning experience. I don't think that teenagers really need to be in relationships. They should have fun, be selfish, experience a variety of people. I'm a hypocrite. I was a teenage bride. You have your entire life to tethered to someone else.

I picked up my daughter's friend after her breakup and when she sat down in my car and she looked melancholy. "Can we listen to sad love songs?" she said. "I have some songs for that," I told her. I have PLAYLISTS for everything. You have a broken heart? I've got a playlist for that. You need to get motivated to get out of bed? I have a playlist for that. You pooped AFTER you got out of the shower and now you are filled with disgust and shame? I've got a playlist for that. Just kidding. For real though, if you poop after you get out of the shower, you are a serial killer.

So I played the ultimate sad love song- Nothing Compares 2 U (I Can't Make You Love Me is a close runner up.....and Skinny Love by Birdy....ugggghhhhh I'm crying right now) and she looked out the window. Then she ranted a little and she asked me, "Why do grown ups think that we can't be in love. Like they'll say, 'You're only 14, you're too young to be in love but they don't know how we feel.'" I chuckled, the kids all think that, that we can't POSSIBLY know how they feel.

Anyone who is physically mature can "fall" in love. Falling in love is simply a chemical reaction, it's all in your head. It's dopamine, estrogen, testosterone, serotonin, oxytocin and vasopressin. Do I think teenagers can be in love? Sure- in the way that they understand love to be. And really, who are we to hold that against them? In some ways young love is the best kind of love. Young love is hearing every love song on the radio and seeing that other person in your head, it's passing notes (or text messages nowadays), it's the way they smile when you walk into the room, it's the way your heart starts beating fast when they hold your hand and stealing kisses when no one is around. It's being drunk on this paralyzing hormone cocktail.

I think young people love more completely because they are blank slates. There is no baggage, mortgages, children, ways that have been set from a life lived. They live in the moment. The future is so vague and far off. They are hopeful and they believe in love in a way that many adults just can't. They believe in the MAGIC of it all. It's kind of like Santa. But young love is a reflection of adolescence- it's intense, tumultuous, larger than life, and fleeting.

They also can suffer a broken heart. It's a rite of passage. The teenage heartbreak. You must sit in the shower and cry, and listen to sad love songs and cry, and eat ice cream and cry. You will not want to get out of bed and you will hope the ground swallows you. Then you must get angry and rip up the notes and all the pictures you took together (or delete the text messages and the Snapchats), call friends and obsess for hours about all the good times and bad and what went wrong, then you get dolled up and hope that they notice you when you pass in the hallway, and you hug other boys in hopes that they will get jealous and realize what they are missing. Then you will cry some more and eventually that terrible pain in your chest will begin to lift and that person will just become a memory. A character in a chapter in your book that has already been read.

I imagine this is the same thing boys do but with slightly less crying. It's hard, it sucks but it's necessary. We all learn these lessons. Part of our jobs as parents is to help them understand how the world works but love is such a fickle thing. I don't have any real answers. You can give someone the best years of your life and they can leave you. Love often fades. The thing that makes you feel most alive can also make you want to disappear. Love is so easily given but it is also so easily taken away. It is fragile. Maybe that's what makes it so special. That it is risky and when it lasts, rare.

I think the best thing to do is to love yourself. If you love yourself, you are a better partner. You are not looking to be saved or completed. You are responsible for your own happiness. If you love yourself, no matter what happens - you can be okay. The best thing I know to do is to love myself and to love their father. I try really hard because I know they are watching.

The two of us know about young love. We survived it, by some wonderful miracle.

The other night, I was in bed rubbing Aquaphor on my crusty ass feet. Seriously, I need to take a cheese grater to my heels. My husband was sitting next to me, playing a video game. I was working on the bottom of my feet and I said, "Ewwww...come feel this scar on the bottom of my foot." He refused. "I've felt that scar already." I protested, "C'mon, it feels so gross." He laughed, "Seriously, I don't need to feel it. I know every bruise, scar, mark on your body."

I thought he was actually full of it. "Oh yeah? Well, how many moles do I have on my back?" I asked. He didn't look up or hesitate, "Three." I went into my daughter's room and I lifted up the back of my shirt. "Tell me how many moles I have." She looked at me like I was a weirdo but she counted them. "Three."

I went back into my room with tears in my eyes and I stood in front of my husband. "I have three moles on my back," I said. "Yeah, I know," he replied with a smile. "You love me," I said. "Of course," he replied, matter of fact. I leaned over and kissed him. Even though our young love was magical it could never compare to THIS.

The Holly Bears a Prickle as Sharp as Any Thorn

  
It's here again - Christmas time. I stopped anticipating the holidays years ago, they come so quickly. I swear we just HAD Christmas and yet here it is again. I enjoy this time, it's my favorite time of the year.

I usually don't go Black Friday shopping but my kids tricked me this year. They put on a ruse that they had to get birthday presents for their friends. When I came into the house at the end of the day loaded down with bags, my husband looked at me sideways. "What happened?" I shrugged. "I told the kids they could get ONE thing, but at like, 10 stores." I had regrets.

The next day, it was time for the Thanksgiving decorations to come down and the Christmas decorations to go up. I have so many things - figurines, trinkets, nutcrackers, snowmen and Santa Clauses. I decided to pare down this year, to be more simple. I did lots of garlands and just a few things.

The elf permanently sits atop my golden reindeer on the mantel. My husband hates the reindeer. He thinks it gaudy and terrible but that's my buddy and he STAYS. 

I love these angels that my daughter drew when she was in 1st grade. 

My kids made these from their tiny fingerprints. 

I looked at all their pictures with Santa. There is a stack, 12 years worth. The last time they both went to visit Santa was in 2014. We went in 2015 on Christmas Eve because I was a big-time slacker that year and it was a 3 hour wait. In 2016 my youngest decided that she was too old to visit Santa. So, the picture of the two of them in 2014 is sitting on my shelf. They were in matching outfits, sitting on Santa's lap, smiling. I didn't know that was the was the last time they'd go see Santa together. 

When I was growing up, it was our tradition to decorate the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve but I LOVE seeing my decorated tree up all month long so we decorate within the first few days of putting it up. We always light a fire and have cookies and roast marshmallows and watch a holiday movie after. 

I often talk about my hodge podge ornaments. We have so many- from family milestones, from my grandparents, from our travels. 

The year I was born!

This is our "Japan" ornament. I have no idea what it says. It probably says, "Poop In My Butt" or something obscene. 

In all it's glory.

The next morning, I was up before everyone. I sat on the couch and drank my coffee by the glow of the Christmas tree. I admired all of my ornaments and I thought of all of my Christmases. When I was 18, I visited my grandfather at his beach house. It must have been Memorial Day. I had dinner with him that night. I was graduating soon, getting married, moving far away. He went into the attic and he gave me a box. I didn't open it until I got back home. It was Christmas ornaments that belonged to him and my grandmother. God! I miss him so much. He's been gone 10 years this year and my heart still aches for him. 

I spent my first "married" Christmas in Oklahoma with just my husband and I. I hung my grandparents ornaments on my tiny, $10 pipe cleaner tree. It made me happy.

I reminisced while I admired my tree and I wondered about which ones I would gift to my children when they grow up. My oldest will get the silver flute and my youngest the gymnastics girl. Maybe I'll let them pick ONE other ornament they want from my collection that reminds them of their childhood. Then, I decided we would start a NEW tradition this year. 

On Christmas Eve morning, after breakfast, I will take the girls out and I'll let them each pick out their own ornament. We'll mark them and hang them on the tree before bed and add them to our collection. We'll do this every year until they have a home of their own. On that Christmas, when I go to decorate my own tree - I will set their ornaments aside and I will gift them to my daughters to start their own collections. I think that will be nice. 

On Saturday night, we had a rare evening to ourselves. Our house is usually full of children on the weekends so it was a nice reprieve. My youngest was sleeping over a friend's house and my oldest had a birthday party. We decided to wander around the bookstore and enjoy a cup of coffee together. We used to do that often before the children came. We'd hang out at Hastings every Saturday. I never go to the bookstore anymore. I only buy books on Amazon or pick them up from the library. 

We browsed through the aisles. They keep all the sex books under a section entitled LIVING YOUR BEST LIFE which made me chuckle. I wandered into the parenting section, they have 10x's more books on potty training than they do on raising teenagers. Should be the other way around, to be honest.

I found myself in the children's section - walking past books my children used to love. Strega Nona, Pinkalicious, Madeline, No David, The Little Engine That Could.... When I was pregnant with them, I brought more children's books than onesies. We used to read to the kids EVERY NIGHT. Those were some of my favorite times. After their baths, curled up next to me in their pajamas, reading the three books they picked out. I should have given their books away to kids that don't have books but I just couldn't bear it. I have boxes and boxes of the kid's books in my attic (with a few treasured toys). One day, when they gone and I have accepted it and turned the bedrooms into guest rooms - I'll get a new bookshelf and bring them out again. 

After perusing the children's section, I found my husband again and we ordered coffee. I also had a warm caramel toffee cookie. He read a book about the founding of Rome, I choose an astrology book. I am a true Aquarian. 

There were 2 older couples sitting near us. I leaned into my husband, "Is this going to be us every Saturday night when the kids are gone?" I asked. 

He didn't even look up from his book, "Probably," he said taking a sip of his coffee. 

I felt strange for me to be there with just him, relaxing, enjoying coffee and a book. It's like it had always been this way. Like the years between then and now were merely a dream. I'm not really sure how I feel about this time. 

This feeling that the children are here but that their childhoods are gone, the holidays without the delight of young children, this push and pull between the past and future when I really only want to exist in the present. I am not joyful but I am not sad. I feel calm, but beneath the surface I am fragile. 

That Mom Life

                          
I had hoped this week would be more relaxing. Compared to last week, it was a walk in the damn park but it was still a shit show. I've gotten used to it. There was just so many THINGS to do. Always an event, a practice, a bullshit thing that comes up.

I did accomplish a few things that have been on my agenda. I mowed and edged the front and back yard for the last time this year. Goals. I have accepted that my to-do list will never be finished. I'm just taking things one day at a time.

A terrible thing happened this week. I'm going to tell this story - as a cautionary tale to other parents but know it's not for the faint of heart. Be prepared to cringe- so hard that you will feel it in the actual core of your being. Just thinking about it now, I shutter.

So, one of the nights this week, we were hanging out in the living room. I had a fire going in the fireplace, I was in my fleece pants and fuzzy socks, I was drinking a glass of wine. I was fully relaxing, enjoying my life. Little did I know, my world was about to be rocked.

My oldest daughter was talking about someone's parents getting divorced. Then she said, "I never worry about you and dad." I thought that was really sweet. "Awww, really?" I said. We could have just left it at that. It would have been fine. But no. She followed up with, "I know you still like each other a lot because I hear you playing the piano all the time." Except she didn't say "play the piano", she used another term that I had never heard before, that was so jarring that I can't even type it. I was shook.
                                
No. That just cannot be. "Are you serious?!?!?!" I asked. She was like, "Yeah. It's low-key disgusting." I was so upset. Like, I wanted to crawl underneath the couch and die. I was MORTIFIED. I was apologetic. "I am so sorry. I hope you know that it would never be my intention to disrespect you or make you uncomfortable. Are you scarred for life? Do you want me to make you an appointment with your therapist so you can talk through it?" I was dead serious.

She shrugged, "Nah. It's fine. It happens, that's life. I just put my headphones in."
                   
Then we just changed the subject and started talking about Thanksgiving. She seemed totally fine, she didn't seem bothered in the least. But I was bothered. I was not the same person that I was 5 minutes before. There has to be a word for an emotion that includes- embarrassment, self-loathing, and resignation. I felt THAT way. Thot Mom Award.

First of all, "all the time" is a little bit of a stretch, in my opinion. Second of all, we are not some kind of degenerate weirdos. We are not disappearing in the middle of a Saturday afternoon. Parents wait - until the kids are asleep, until they are out of the house, until they are distracted. There is little spontaneity and romance about the whole thing. When the kids are young, you think that it will get better and that you will have more time. But you won't because when they are older they are ALWAYS awake. They don't take naps, they stay up later than you, even when you think they are asleep, they aren't really. It makes it more difficult. Plus, they are more AWARE. Things don't go over their heads anymore. It's like when your kids learn to spell.

Like, a few months ago, I was in the kitchen making dinner. My husband came in and hugged me. I don't know what it is- but whenever I'm standing at the stove, it makes him happy. I was being kind of flirty and I starting singing, 2 Become 1, which is totally a 90's thing to do. I hear a voice yelling from the next room, "EWWWWWW. I'm downstairs. STOP!" I didn't know my kid was sitting in the living room. Ooooops. Or the time I was driving and I told her to text her dad on my phone and she scrolled WAY up. I think she thinks we talk about her in our spare time and was trying to find out. She threw my cell phone down. "Stop texting dad disgusting things," she said with a frown. "How about don't read my text messages?" I replied.

Even an innocent wink or a lingering kiss elicits gagging from the children. I get it. I really do. I would never purposely try to make my kids uncomfortable and always try to be very discreet. I am a mother. I take my role as a mother very seriously and I do everything I can to be there for my kids and provide them with a good life. BUT, I am also a wife. I think my role as a wife is EQUALLY AS important as my role as a mother. The relationship with my husband is important. It is a priority to me and is the cornerstone of our family's happiness and survival. Sorry kids.

So, learn your lessons from me. You might think your kids are asleep, but they aren't actually asleep. They might actually know. I know what I'm adding to the Christmas list this year- noise cancelling headphones.
              

In other news, my 14 year old has decided she wants to get a job. On Monday, she came home and said, "I'm applying for a job at Publix." That came out of the blue. I don't think she really needs to work and she plead her case to me. "Well, I do marching band 12-25 hours a week and I still kept my grades up. I want to work like 8 or 12 hours a week. Maybe on the breaks and summer a little extra. I always am asking you guys for money and I want to make my own money. Plus I will be driving next year and I will have to buy gas and stuff."

I thought about it and decided to let her give it a go. I told her that I would take her but she would have to do the application herself. I told her that if she really wanted to get a job, she should ask to speak to the manager and introduce herself. We practiced a little bit and I made her shake my hand. "You have to have a firm handshake." On Wednesday, I dropped her off. I told her that if she has issues filling out the application, she can call or text. I parked in the back of the parking lot and waited. My phone started to ring. It was her, speaking in a whisper.
"Mom, I don't have a suffix. What do I do?"
"Just leave that part blank," I said.
"Ok, thanks."
She hung up. A little while later, my phone rang again.
"Mom, what's my social security number?"
I told her. "Thanks!"
She hung up. A minute later, my phone rang again.
"Mom - our zipcode is XXXXX, right?"
"Yes," I confirmed.
"Okay. I just wanted to make sure. Thanks."

I was chuckling so hard. I waited 45 minutes. Finally she called and asked where I was parked. I picked her up and she gave me the play by play. "I finished the application. Then, I asked to talk to the manager. I was really nervous but I introduced myself. I gave a firm handshake and I told him that I was only 14 and never had a job before but that I was a hard worker and that I want to learn how to work with customers and other people. I also said I had a good attitude and that I can work up to 12 hours a week. He was really nice and said he was looking at applications after Thanksgiving and to call him in 2-3 weeks if I don't hear from him. I feel good about it." I smiled. "Good! We'll keep our fingers crossed."

I was thinking about it and you know what? My child is an actual bad ass. I think it took a lot of guts and initiative for her to do that. She went in there by herself, she really put herself out there to talk to an adult and plead her case. Good for her. Even if she doesn't get the job, it was a good experience for her. I was proud.

The rest of the week was mostly uneventful. Our new mattress and box spring came in. You'll remember our old box spring broke and mortally injured our cat. When we took everything out there was a huge blood stain under our bed. It was upsetting.
                                    
We got a memory foam mattress which my husband was SO excited about. His back hurts for no reason because he is getting old. It was so comfortable. I was so excited to sleep in our new bed. I was ready to get a good nights sleep. I've been so tired.

Unfortunately, I was jarred out of my blissful sleep at 2 in the morning by my husband shaking me. "Are you ok? Are you ok?" he said, frantically, over and over again. I sat up, PISSED. "No, I'm not okay. I was sleeping. What the hell?" He stared at me with glassy eyes. This bitch was asleep. He is prone to sleep walking/talking but he doesn't usually wake me up. I was triggered. I miss sleep so bad.

None of this makes sense, I'm rambling, I'm tired. My husband is 36 today so I'd better go make some cupcakes. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll get a nap in. Lord knows, I need it.