DTK

The struggle is seriously real this week. I am at my whits end with these kids. The mornings have been especially horrible. My youngest has no sense of urgency whatsoever. You have to reminder of everything 8 times. I will wake her up at 5:30 am and she'll come sauntering in my bedroom half an hour later - not dressed to check the weather. She takes 40 minutes to put clothes on. What the hell? But if you tell her about it she turns into an insane person.
"Hey put on your shoes. We have to leave in 10 minutes."
                          
"I KNOW IT MOM. STOP STRESSING ME OUT."

The other day we had to leave and she was putting on her shoes in a manner that was so slow that my head was going to explode. She was having a nasty attitude. I was over it.

Then, the 11 year old comes downstairs with a smile on her face. "Good morning!" she said cheerfully. Her hair was styled pretty, she smelled good, she was wearing a skirt. She never wears a skirt. She looked at the clock. "It's 7 o'clock. We need to go right now, dad."
"We don't need go right now. Let me finish my coffee," he replied.
She whined, "But dad, I don't want to be late!"

We gave each other a knowing look. She's up to something. "Why do we need to leave so early?" he asked. "I need to go to band."
My husband rubbed his beard, "Who are you meeting in band?"
"No one." Her voice was high pitched.
"You're lying."
"I'm not lying! Why don't you believe me?"
He laughed. "I don't trust kids."
"That's right," I agreed.
She stomped her foot and rolled her eyes at me. "Uggggh. I hate you mom."
"Join the club."
My 9 year old piped in, "I'm the president of that club." She still didn't have her shoes on.

"I'll peek through the bad room window with binoculars to get to the bottom of things," my husband joked.
"The band room doesn't have windows."
"Well, I'll hide in a tuba case then. I'll say, "Don't talk to that boy" and they will be like, "Did that tuba just say something?"
"You guys are so stupid."

The skirt in itself was weird but not a huge red flag. Coupled with the insistence that we leave early and the vehement denial of being up to something definitely confirmed she was up to something. We call it DTK in this house. DON'T TRUST KIDS. It's not a motto or a philosophy. It is a lifestyle and religion.

I never did get to the bottom of it that day. But I am always on DTK high alert. You have to be with middle schoolers. As you remember, her phone was taken away. I just don't want her texting and using social media right now. I've let her use my phone and laptop to listen to music. The other day I caught her downloading a messenger on my laptop and she downloaded Kik on my cell phone. I was heated.
"Did you download Kik on my cellphone?"
She looked me straight in the eye and said, "No."
Really? Who did? The app installing fairy who wants to group chat with her friends? This kid must think I'm stupid. What a sneak.

It was in that moment that I recalled my parents telling me, "I hope you have a daughter just like you one day" when I was being a sneaky little twit. I recall thinking. "I hope I do, because I'm f**king awesome!"
                                         
I was such a HOLE. Now that the time is actually here I'm like, "Dear GOD! Please, please, please don't let my daughters be anything like me. Why did my parents wish this upon me?!?!?!" It's the circle of life or some bullsh*t.

"You're done. No electronics. No internet."
She cried. "What about listening to music?"
"You can listen to the radio."
"I don't like music on the radio."
"You can burn a CD."
She sobbed. "What?!?!"
"Yeah, you are gonna be living in the 90's for a few months."
We are going to be partying like it's 1999. For real.
"What if I need the internet for school?"
"We'll go to the library and use the encyclopedia."
DTK

I woke up this morning still pissed off about it. Then my 9 year old had to lay into me. I gave her $20 for the book fair and she was mad that I didn't give her $22. She was reaming me about it. She wanted me to materialize $2 out of thin air. How ungrateful. I only had a $20 bill, that was it. I'm not Harry Houdini. On top of that she was dragging her feet to get out to the car as usual.

We were in the front yard just screaming at each other. I was in my pajamas yelling like a damn crazy person. Our neighbor came out to take down his trash and just watched us in horror. Probably thought, "Why do I live next to this white trash family?"

I waved to him. "Just thank you're lucky stars that you don't have kids. Enjoy your life." I said that. I actually yelled it at him because that's where I was at mentally in the moment. He waved back and said, "Yeah, my wife is having a baby in 3 months."

                                  
I remember when my kids were little and we all liked each other. What happened? Who are these people? I remember when the kids were young and this friend of mine were talking about how horrible her kids were and I thought, Wow. That's not very nice. I will never say such horrible things about my children. We will always get along. They will be good people. You know what? I didn't know what the f**k I was talking about. I was a real a**hole.

I can hear my parents laughing right now thinking:
                   
I can't wait until my own children see that day. I am going to enjoy it and remind them DTK.