My 11 year old daughter had a performance at school this evening. We dropped her off and sat down to wait for the program to start. While we were waiting, a teacher stepped in and asked if anyone knew how to tie a tie. No one said anything. I nudged my husband. He stood up and walked over.
The teacher had a boy standing next to her, maybe 12 or 13. I watched my husband stand in front of this boy and he pushed up the collar and buttoned it up. The boy lifted his chin as my husband folded the tie and adjusted it and then pulled the collar back down.
As I watched him, my heart broke into a million pieces. I never cared that we had no sons. I'm happy with two beautiful, healthy girls but watching him help this young man with his tie made me mourn the fact that he will never have a son of his own. I felt tears form in the corner of my eyes and I'm pretty sure that my uterus exploded.
He gave the boy a nod and then quietly went back to his seat. I thought it was such a sweet thing. He is such an awesome guy.
We watched the kids march onto the stage. My daughter was so pretty in her new skirt and she sung her little heart out. I was proud of her but I feel a tinge of sadness that I couldn't quite explain.
Later this evening, I apologized to my husband for not baring him any sons. He shrugged, "You don't determine the gender, so technically it's my fault." He took the burden off. Stupid spermies.
I have not been myself lately. For many reasons. School will be over soon, we are in the last semester. I'm relieved. This school year has been exhausting. Every school year seems longer and more trying than the year before.
My youngest daughter won't be at the elementary school anymore after this year. It is an ending. It's not bad and I certainly am ready for her to be in the same school as her sister. Logistically it will be easier for me. There is something so final about it though. Like she will be leaving her childhood behind, trading toys for training bras. She is my last child. It's a thing that happens but it comes much too quickly.
The kids are getting older. They are different. Their friends are different. Our challenges our different. The world is shifting and I haven't yet decided if it is a good thing or if I should be afraid. There is an under-lying uneasiness that I can't seem to shake.
Oh well, life goes on.
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