Bills

I have been traveling for work a bit and when I do, my husband and I have to be on our game. We are like a well oiled machine. Every time I come and go we do the changing of the guard. I go over the schedule, meals, and everything he needs to know and when I get back he tells me how everything went and what I need to do. 

We were having our changing of the guard convo last week and my husband told me that I need to keep an eye out for the cable bill because he had to call them and address an issue. "Get this - they sent a letter saying that they audited our account and discovered that they aren't charging us rental fees for our wireless modem so they want to increase our bill by $7 a month." I laughed out loud. I find it surprising that they want to charge us for renting a modem from them when we OWN our modem. We have never rented a modem, we got ours for $40 seven years ago. If we had rented one from the cable company we would have paid almost $600 by now. What a rip off. I'm sure they will still charge us the $7 and I will have to call them every month for the next 6 months because they are incompetent and trying to suck every penny they can out of us.

We have had the worst luck with utility companies. The cable company has been on my sh*t list for a while. We have used the same company for 6 years because they have a monopoly in our area. We only pay for internet. We don't have cable TV - just very basic internet cable. We have paid the same amount every month for the past 4 years. They send us our bill electronically. Well, last October I went to log on to the internet and it said my cable was disconnected. I pay my bill every month so I called and they said I owed them $190. They increased our bill by $4 a month but never sent us a notice. So when I paid every month, I paid our regular rate. Every month for 10 months they charged us a $15 late fee because the $4 went unpaid and then waited until we accrued a butt-load of fees. I protested and stated that they didn't send us a notice and that they should have notified us by mail if we were getting late fees. Too bad, was their response. I acknowledged that I should have looked at my bill more closely and sucked it up and paid the $190 plus a $90 re-connection fee. But I told the lady that I feel bad that she works for a horrible company that ruins dreams and sucks the life out of people. I HATE them. Google internet can't come fast enough.

It's not just the cable company. When we were living in Texas I got an electric bill for $236,000. Seriously. I looked at it and thought, I know I have been keeping the air conditioning at 72, but this is a little outrageous. So I called and gave them my account number and the lady asked what my problem was and I said, "Well, I got a bill for $236,000 and that can't be right." She was like, "Yes, that's what you owe this month." Really? Does ANYONE ever owe $236,000 in electric bills for one month? This lady was dumb as a bag of rocks. "Well, I live in a 450 square foot, one bedroom apartment." There was silence on the other end. She told me not to pay it and I didn't even get billed that month. That part was awesome.

The worst ever though was AT&T. The name alone makes my blood boil. I got a letter from AT&T when we were living in Texas stating that I owed a $900 delinquent bill and they were shutting off my phone service. I called them to see what was going on. The lady said, "I see here that you owe $900 from when you lived in Fort Worth in 1999 that you never paid." "I didn't live in Fort Worth in 1999." "Is your name ------- ?" I said, "Yes - NOW it is. That is my married name. I didn't get married until 2002. Not only did I have a different name in 1999, I lived in New Jersey and was a minor and would not have even been eligible to open a residential account at that time." "Well, you owe this money." "It's not me." She transferred me to a man who berated me for not paying my bills and called me a liar, then I got transferred to someone else, who transferred me to someone else, then I was on hold for 40 minutes. At one point I thought, Let them turn off my phone. I will just write letters. Finally a lady picked up and asked for my social security number. I gave it to her and she said, "I'm so sorry. We have the wrong person. I will make a note of this. Have a nice day!" It was a 3 hour ordeal. I am not lying. I wasted 3 hours of my life that day and I am still bitter about it. I could have done so many things in those 3 hours. I could have volunteered at a homeless shelter, cleaned up a local park, cleaned my house, had an afternoon delight, read a parenting book. I could have been a better person if it wasn't for AT&T. Evil. Pure Evil.

Anyway, the evening I got home my husband and I laid in bed and commiserated about how much we hate the cable company. He sighed, "It makes me just want to live off the grid. We could grow our own food, use candles instead of electricity." I agreed, "I can learn to play the fiddle. We'll can our own food. We can have a sawdust toilet." My husband gave me a weird look, "Okay, maybe we won't live off the grid."

 
                                      

Cleaning

                      
I was doing the laundry today (begrudgingly) and I went into my daughters room to find a hanger so I could hang up her tops. As I was looking for one in her closet, I realized that she had all of these clothes that she never wears. Nice clothes that she won't put on for whatever reason "Too plain", "not pretty enough", "Makes my arms feel weird." I am tired of seeing them. I started pulling them out and putting them in a pile, and then I went to my closet and pulled out my clothes. Pants that I haven't worn in 3 years but I keep around on the off chance that I'll become a size 2 again, shorts that give me camel toe, tops that look like a homeless person would reject them. They went into the pile. I went to the linen closet and pulled curtains and sheets that are old. I have torn, bleach stained sheets that are thread bare that don't even get used just sit in the closet. The kids looked at me like I was crazy. "Mom, what are you doing with that stuff?" "Giving it away- all of it. We have too much stuff." Truly it is shameful. I am so busy that I don't have time to organize or do deep cleaning and I like and want to be organized. The house is making me crazy. I couldn't take it any more. I went on a house cleaning rampage. These are the things that I found:

-Approximately 8 empty containers of laundry detergent because every time I run out, I don't feel like bringing them down.

- A basket with batteries, hairbands, cough drops, a random crayon. Just hanging out together on the top of the fridge.

- Shoes that my daughter grew out of 18 months ago.

- A guitar pick in the silverware drawer - along with 2 non-working can openers.

- A ziplock bag full of birthday candles. I had a number "5" candle from my daughters birthday that I obviously thought I was going to save until my husband turns 35 (which is not for 4.5 years).

- Wasabi paste that expired in 2008. Jello that expired in 2010. French fried onions that expired in 2011. A huge jar of applesauce that expired in 2012.

- Behind the jar of applesauce I discovered a tupperware container of chili. I am pretty sure it was made in April.

- One of my kids cloth diapers. We have been out of diapers for 5 years.

- 6 random rolls of wrapping paper.

- A raincoat my daughter grew out of 2 years ago.

- Lids to pots and pans that I no longer own. What happened to the pots and pans? I do not know.

- A box of wires and adapters that have no electronics to go to them.

- A checkbook with our old address from a house I haven't lived in for 3 years.

- Water bottles with no lids.

I could go on and on. It would literally be easier for me to just move into a new house and start from scratch. How did this happen? The night is still young and there is still much to be done. Who knows what is left to discover? I wish I could find a bag of money instead of all this junk.

No Rest for the Weary

                       


On Friday night my kids asked if I would take them to the movies over the weekend. I told them that I would and my 4 year old niece was listening and asked if she could sleep over and come with us. I told her that she could.

The next morning I got up early and did laundry and cleaned up and took the kids to a birthday party and brought my niece home with us. I was so tired but needed to go to the grocery store before we went to the movies. My husband took a nap and I instructed the kids to behave and I made a quick trip to the grocery store. I got back and unloaded the groceries and instructed the girls to get ready to go to the movies.

Then we had the ultimate blow up. You see, we could not agree on what movie to see. My kids wanted to see the Lone Ranger but it's not an appropriate movie for a 4 year old. My youngest has seen Despicable Me 2 and Monsters University and she wanted to see Man of Steel (she's obsessed with super heros and comic book movies right now, go figure). So no one could agree and everyone was upset at each other. When I told my 7 year old we weren't going to see Man of Steel she called me the BB word. That's literally what she said, her exact words were: "You're the B-B word, mom." "What word is that?" She said nothing. I don't know the BB word. Is it bumble bee? Boogie Butt? B*tch squared? I showed her my double b*tch side. Then she went into her speech about how no one loves her and everyone hates her. In response, I played her a sad song on the world's smallest violin. We decided to rent Megamind instead and have popcorn at home. Then they played and I actually got them to go to sleep shortly before 10. I was so glad. I went downstairs to hang with the hubby. I thought maybe we could make out on the couch like a bunch of crazy teenagers. Just kidding, I didn't really think that - I don't have that kind of time or energy.

"Whatcha watching?" He looked at me like he saw Big Foot. "You're awake?" He is always surprised when I make it past 10 pm. "Yeah, I want to spend time with you." He put on a show for us to watch together and a moment later he was shaking me. "Come up to bed." I had fallen asleep. The minute my butt hit the couch, I fell fast asleep. So much for trying to spend time together. We crawled into the kids beds as they had taken over our room. We were awoken some time before 7 am by 3 children literally crawling on top of us. "Wake up! It's morning." Dear God, Why? "Let me sleep." "But mom, can we have doughnuts?" I waved them away, "Yes, go fix doughnuts but save me a coffee crumb one." I love the crumb doughnuts but the kids always eat them before I serve myself. I work hard, I purchased them and I think I should get first dibs. I heard their feet pitter patter down the stairs and I was hoping to get another hour of sleep but not 5 minutes later, I felt a tap on my foot. My 9 year old was standing at the end of the bed with a plate in her hand. "Mom, I got you a crumb doughnut." How could I be mad at that? No sleep for me. I got up and fixed a cup of coffee and then propped myself up in bed. There are few things in life better than coffee and doughnuts in bed on a Sunday morning.

I was enjoying my coffee and relaxing and my niece came up to me in her nightgown with her big eyes and crazy morning hair and said, "Aunt Jossy, can we walk to the park?" I looked at her and looked back at the clock that read 7:05. "Sweetie, it's 7 in the morning." She just stared at me. She's 4, she doesn't have any concept of time and could give a flying you-know-what that it's 7 am. "You want to go now, don't you?" She nodded. "Get dressed and let me finish my coffee." By 7:20 we were ready to go to the park. I went to track down my 9 year old. She was in her room at her desk in front of her laptop. She had earbuds in and was writing in a composition book. I yelled so that she could hear me, "HEY, WE ARE GOING TO THE PARK." She rolled her eyes at me, "But I'm busy. I need to write down the words to this Selena Gomez song." Whatever.

So I took my 7 year old and my niece. We walked over to the park and I wanted to sit on the bench and chill but alas, things are not that easy. My kids are too old to be amused by the park alone, they have to play games and do other things. They can't just slide down slides. One of their favorite games is "Troll Under the Bridge." I made up this game, which is something I often regret. There is a bridge on the play equipment and I pretend that I am a troll (not a far stretch for me) and I hiss and growl and hide and try to "catch" them as they run back and forth on the bridge. This game involves me running and crouching and hiding - and hissing. I know I look ridiculous playing the troll under the bridge but no one in their right mind is out of bed at that time on a weekend morning, so I was in the clear. I did that for half an hour and then the kids wanted to head home to use the bathroom.

As we walked back my 7 year old asked, "Mom, will you make us hot chocolate?" WTF? It's the middle of July. "We don't have any at the house." She was disappointed. "But we want hot chocolate." I didn't want to do it, I should of said no and took a nap instead but I told her I would make it on the stove. I got home and of course we were out of milk so I went to the Piggly Wiggly to get milk and marshmallows. I drove home and as I was gradually heating the milk and chocolate on the stove, I realized that I could have just gotten the stupid hot chocolate packets since I had to go to the store anyway. It would have made my life 10 times easier in that moment. I experienced self loathing then. The kids happily drank their hot chocolate while I did the dishes.

I dropped my niece off at 9:30 am and it had already been a long day. I went home, cleaned the house, did a load of laundry, made lunches for the week, put dinner in the crockpot, ran to the dollar store with the kids (one of which threw a fit for an unknown reason and embarrassed me in public), cleaned out my car, packed for an upcoming business trip, and then played 3 rounds of badminton in the backyard with the family and THEN embarked on a 7 hour trip.

I finally rested my head at midnight. In the moments before I fell asleep, I felt amazed that I could fit so much into one day. I congratulated myself for being a bad-ass troll.

The Birthday Dinner

I will never forget my daughter's 9th birthday. It will haunt my memories for the rest of my life, I am sure. It was a good day. I picked the kids up from camp and we were having my sister and her family and my dad over to have dinner and cake and presents. My daughter wanted an Italian dinner so I fixed pasta, chicken parm and garlic bread. The family showed up and I began serving everyone.

My husband and I were tag teaming. I was fixing the plates and he was serving the kids. I cut the chicken into chunks and asked him to serve the birthday girl. He did and came back into the kitchen. A few minutes later we heard a gagging like vomiting and we ran into the dining room and my 9 year old was choking. My husband got behind her and did the Heimlich and some vomit started to come up. She composed herself for a moment but began to gag again. She was choking and could not get air. My husband was trying to get it up and it wasn't coming out and she was struggling. She looked up at me and I could see the fear in her eyes. My blood turned cold and I could feel my heart drop to the floor and I had never been so afraid in my whole life. "Do it again, HARD!" One hard, swift thrust up and this huge piece of chicken came flying out of her mouth. She let out a huge gasp and it felt like all the air had left the room. We were all silent. She was trembling like a leaf. This all conspired in 30 seconds but those 30 seconds seemed like an eternity. I asked my husband to start a shower for her to clean up and went to the sink to dispose of the offending chicken and vomit on my hands and forearms and then followed them upstairs.

I knocked on the shower door and peeked my head in. "How are you feeling, honey?" She looked up at me and said, "I was really scared, mom." "Me too. Hurry up, you have presents to open." I shut the bathroom door and sat on the edge of the bed and I sobbed. My husband asked, "Are you okay?" "No." I wasn't. It could have been really bad, I never want to see that look in her eyes ever again as long as I live. It was terrifying.

My daughter stepped out of the bathroom, wrapped in a towel. I motioned for her to come to me and she did and I hugged her and I just held her like that for a long time. She let me. She got dressed and we walked back down together. "Mom, can I finish my dinner? Except I don't want anymore chicken." "Sounds like a plan - just make sure you chew your food, okay"

Later, I watched my life saving husband carry in the birthday cake and my daughter blow out her candles and in that moment, I felt very lucky.

She's 9

      

My oldest daughter is nine today. *tear* She is our surprise baby. When I found out I was pregnant, I was surprised and nervous and I wanted to do a good job. I read every baby book I could get my hands on. Which was easy, because we were too poor to afford cable so I would just spend my days reading baby books. When the time came, I felt prepared. After all, I had the wisdom of Dr. Sears to guide me.

She came a week late and she was a furry little baby and tiny. They whisked her away to the nursery for an unforgivable amount of time and finally that evening brought her in to us. She was not happy to have been evicted from the womb and she spent all of her time crying. She screamed and slept for short bouts in between. It was awful. The second day in, I was exhausted and I was sure that this baby hated us and that already, I was an epic failure as a mother. The second night it was just the two of us and she was screaming and unhappy and I was trying to calm her down. She had cried so hard that she was hot and sweaty and I took all of her clothes off and I laid her on my chest and just talked to her. I asked her (very politely, I might add) to please stop crying and that it was okay and that I loved her. After just a moment she was totally quiet. She just laid her tired little head on my chest and listened to my heart beat. When I talked to her, she would look up at me and there she was happy. I had figured it out.

It was the only place she wanted to be. Skin to skin with her mom and there she stayed for the following days, weeks and months that followed. I spent the first 4 months of her life eating, sleeping, nursing and rocking the baby and that was pretty much it. I was lucky if I got a shower in between. I didn't mind it a bit. I was in love with her. I could just stare at her sweet baby face for hours. I wanted to just inhale her being. The two of us were like peas and carrots. I never left her. I just strapped her on to me and where I went, she went. At the time, I couldn't imagine that there would ever be a time that it would be different....

As the years went by and her sister came and she grew she became less and less attached to me. It was a beautiful transition that was so slow, I didn't even notice it. She turned into this toddler, who turned into a little kid, who turned into a big kid who is now a "tween". She can leave me now, and prefers to. I told her she could stay with me on her birthday. We could go to the movies together but she opted for summer camp with her friends. If she knew that there is this piece of me that still just wants her close to me, her head resting on my heart. I long for the days when my mere presence solved all of her problems.

My daughter is a big girl. We had a family gathering recently and everyone remarked that she looked older. Sure enough. She comes up to my chin, she will be taller than me soon, I imagine. I keep wondering when this happened. I cannot physically pick her up anymore and I wonder about when the last time I actually was able to hold her and carry her to her bed. We took the kids to the Biltmore this weekend and I sat in the grass and she came and sat in my lap and it was so comical because she is so long and big that she didn't know where to put her legs. She wrapped her long arms around my neck and laid her head on my shoulder and I took in the moment because I know that some day soon she won't want to sit my lap. She won't be able to! She's nearly outgrown it already.

She is a big kid now and that's okay. She is smart and funny and sweet as can be. She is a well liked kid. She is kind to everyone and smart as a whip. She is a beautiful little girl. She has taught me more than any parenting book ever could and I am blessed that she came into my life as a wonderful surprise!

Car Rides

              

We have been a little crazy the past 2 weeks. We have taken a few road trips which were fun...in between the parts where I wanted to drive off bridges. The kids are much better in the car now so it wasn't awful, but you never know what will happen.

We took the children to Monticello and Montpelier and made them learn about history and then we made the trip to New Jersey. I made the kids use the restroom at Montpelier before we left and we were good to do. Until we got to Washington, D.C. AKA The Mouth of Satan. It was stop and go traffic for over an hour. Of course, while we were stopped in traffic the kids were like, "I gotta pee." I was driving and I told them we would get off at the next exit that was 3 miles away. Well, it takes forever to drive 3 miles in a traffic jam like that. The children got increasingly upset but there was nothing I could do. "Mama, I'm gonna pee my pannnnnnnnnts!" I was feeling frantic, "Honey, do we have a vessel they can pee in." "WHAT? They are not boys, they can't just pee in a vessel." My daughter said, "Can I pee into a towel?" My husband turned around and very sternly said, "YOU BETTER NOT PEE INTO A TOWEL." Check that off the list of things I never expected to hear in my life time. We were almost to the exit and my youngest daughter began to scream and cry, "I can't hold it! I feel like I'm having a baby!!!!" Because she knows what it's like to baby....

So I get off at the exit and I am in the worst place ever to find a public restroom. We were in downtown DC. Seriously, like at the National Mall. The kids were sobbing at this point and I was sure I was in hell. Finally I came across a CVS but there was no where to park, I put on my emergency lights and just dropped them off with my husband on the sidewalk. "I'll pick you up when you are done." There was no where to park so I decided I would drive around. I had to use the bathroom too but it was just not going to happen for me. So I flipped through the radio stations and drove around the block - like 8 times. I was stopped at a stop light and this song came on the radio called "Whistle While You Twerk." I was fascinated by this tune. It was a rap song that re-invented the Disney dwarves "Whistle While you Work". In case you did not know, the definition of twerk is: to move the body in in a sexually suggestive twisting fashion. I was so intrigued and amused that I kept it on. As I was being amazed by this lovely musical masterpiece I watched a nice Amish family cross the road. There were 10 of them. An old man in a wheel chair and little children in ankle length dresses and braids, the father in a straw hat and a vest. I watched them walk among the tall buildings and the busy road while "Whistle While You Twerk" set the background music and I thought - this is an old moment of things that do not go together at all.

I then received the call and drove back to recover my family. They loaded in the car and my husband complained that CVS didn't have a public bathroom and he had to beg the cashier. He was so irritated. We continued on in the traffic jam.

We got to the Baltimore tunnel and what do you know? Cash only. What the hell? This is 2013, who carried cash? Excuse me while I fetch ye satchel of coins for thy tunnel. I sighed, "Can I just write you a check?" The lady rolled her eyes and said, "No, we will send you a bill for 6 dollars and then you can pay us." "So, I can't write a check but you can send me a bill and then I can pay with a check?" She looked at me like I had 3 heads. Whatever, it's government run so I wasn't surprised. By the time we made it through the tunnel I had to go. BAD.

We pulled into WaWa and low and behold, the bathroom was closed for cleaning. The man at the register said, "We are making it nice and clean for you." Look dude, I don't care if there is poo poo on the ceiling, let me in. I begged and pleaded and they let me in. Thank goodness. Then we got some hoagies, ate and got back in the car. The kids quarreled for 20 minutes, my husband yelled and then finally they fell asleep.

We finally got to our destination, 2 hours late. My husband parked the car and I turned to him. "Are you ready to drive back home in a few days?" He said nothing. The car was silent then as we both cried, bitterly, on the inside.

Be-Bow

                               
Yesterday was my baby's 7th birthday. She's not a baby anymore but she'll always be a baby to me. Every year on their birthday's I tell them about the day they were born. This is how she tells the story, "I was born in a pool, because my mom thought swimming was fun. I shot out like a rocket and my dad was the first person to touch me." Yeah, something like that. I was a hippy-dippy when I was pregnant with her and we had planned a home water birth. Not because I think swimming is fun, but I will let her think that. I spend my pregnancy meditating on this new life inside of me. I was so excited and stress free and it was a beautiful time. Because I was a hippy dippy, I made a birth alter with candles and birth art. My sister was staying with us at the time, she was 14 and she said, "Is that a picture of a vagina?" "No, it's a flower that is blossoming just like you blossom when the baby emerges from the womb." "So, it's a vagina flower? Gross!!" I had a poem on my alter, "Dear God, may my labor be short and my birth canal be wide and accommodating...." That was the gist of it. I would have probably had a drum circle if I had thought it up. I had family members send me beads and to make a wish for the baby on the beads and strung a necklace to wear when she was born.

 When I was sure it was time, I slipped it on so that she would be born with all of the wishes. Love, happiness, beauty, wisdom and patience.... What do you know? My labor was short (2.5 hours) and my birth canal was wide and accommodating and she shot out like a rocket into the hands of her father. She let out a peep but then was completely quiet and we set her in the water and she stretched out her body and stared at us for what seemed like forever. She blinked her eyes and looked amazed and as she gazed at us I could tell that somehow she knew that she was ours. That we were her people. I fell in love with her instantly. In that moment I knew that our family was complete.

That was 7 years ago but it still seems like just a moment ago. Her birth fits her perfectly - it would only have been more appropriate if she came out with jazz hands screaming, "I"M HERE!" Because that is my child. She wants to be the center of attention always. She is full of life and full of energy. She is a tiny, little, wispy, bean of a child but her personality is larger than life. She says the funniest things, she is witty and clever and super smart. She wants what she wants when she wants it. She has always been that way. When she was a baby she only liked to be held while you were standing up, facing out. The moment your bottom hit the chair she would shriek until you were up again. She picks her own clothes and does her own hair and just wants to do everything herself. She is always trying to keep up with her sister. She walked early, talked early, was potty trained early. She thinks she is a grown adult sometimes. God help us.

She says the funniest things. I told my husband he was a horrible navigator in the car this week and she said, "Dad, don't take this as a criticism, but I agree with mom." Then there is her theory that tap water tastes like old people. "I like old people, mom - I just don't want to taste them." Or when I put on a short skirt and she told me it was "skanky." She always tells me when my parenting is horrible. She is a realist. I love her for that.

Even though she is 7 she still loves to snuggle. She will lay down with me and put her arms around my neck and curl up into me and smile at me with her big toothless grin and say, "Mom, I love you." I think we'll keep her.

Summer Reading

                                 
It's the summertime again and I generally have no standards in the summer. I let the kids run around with no shoes on and watch endless hours of TV and go to bed whenever they want. They think it's their break but it's a break for us too. I may have loose standards in the summer but I'm not completely negligent. I make them read and help out around the house and try to maintain some type of order.

I asked daughter if she had finished the book that she checked out of the library. She said she hadn't so I told her she had to finish it this week. "But I don't want to." "Why not? You don't like it?" "I like it, I just don't want to." Well, welcome to the story of my life, doing things you don't want to do. "Well, you need to make sure you read the 400 pages for summer reading." Do you know what this child said to me? "I don't have to do that, all you get is an ice cream party anyway." She seems to think that summer reading is optional, which annoyed me. It kind of is, I guess, because there is no consequence if you don't do it but that's irrelevant.

"You know why you have to read? Because I don't want your brain to turn to mush over the summer. You NEED to be literate. You need to be able to read and write WELL so that one day you can go to college and get a job. A good job, because I am not going to support you in your adult years. That's why." Meanest mom ever. My youngest was like, "I'll do it." She must be excited to read herself out of my rule. Everyone agreed to read 400 pages after that. We don't read to get ice cream parties in this house. I don't reward things that you are expected to do. Otherwise, we would have a party every time I did the dishes.