“Why can't I find any of the s**t I need?” Day

Tuesday was annoying for me. It was “why can't I find any of the s**t I need?” Day. I woke up and the kids were getting dressed and I could not for the life of me find a pair of matching socks. I usually love the Spring and Summer because we ditch the tennis shoes and wear sandals and flip flops and I don't have to worry about socks. For summer camp the kids always need to wear sandals with a back strap. I went out and purchased acceptable sandals. After I dropped them off the first day I got an e-mail from the camp that they have a new policy where the kids have to wear socks and tennis shoes everyday. WTF? Really? I give them my whole paycheck AND I have to arrange socks and shoes everyday? It doesn't seem fair somehow.

We cannot keep socks in my house. I probably buy socks monthly. By the end of the month they are all missing. Where the hell they go to- I have no idea. They go to the land of missing socks. The dryer eats them. Who knows. I have seriously contemplated hand washing all of the socks in the tub and then air drying them. The only caveat to that plan is that they will be stiff and I'd have to iron them and I am much to lazy for that. So Tuesday was another one of those days where I could not find one darn pair of matching socks. I should just make my kids look for them but I do not wish to lose my job due to excessive tardiness. I had this theory for a while that I would buy different colors/designs on the socks and it would be easier to locate a pair. Stupid. I have a green sock, a red heart sock, a tinkerbell sock, a ruffle sock....no pairs. I finally found a matching pair of socks in my underwear drawer (did my hubby put away the laundry that day?). They
were Halloween socks. How we have kept a matching pair of socks since October is beyond me. They were grey and black camo at the bottom and the cuff was bright orange with a skull on it. I knew the rejection level by my daughter was pretty high so I just set them down next to the shoes and hoped she wouldn't say anything. No such luck. “Mom – these are Halloween socks.” Think fast.... “No – they are rock star socks. Look at the skull, pretty cool....pretty rockin' out.” She looked at me sideways. “Okay.” Score for mom. 

Finally when socks and shoes were on, I thought that things would be smooth sailing. Until I realized that all the brushes in the house went on vacation together. I could not find a brush anywhere. I checked my purse, the car, the water bags, the vanities. I know we have 7 brushes. What happened to them – I do not know. I was so darn frustrated. “Okay guys – just brush your hair with your fingers.” That led to a bunch of whining. Then I was getting accused by my girls. “You stole all the brushes, mom.” Is that really what they think I do? As if I put on a ski mask when they go to bed and round up all the brushes and hide them just so I can torture my kids. Real likely scenario. I eventually found a wide tooth comb. Not exactly the item needed to do the job but better than fingers, I guess.

I did get to work with 3 minutes to spare - which was a miracle. But when I got there I realized that I could not find my water bottle. Left it at home.

Birthday Time

It's almost July which means that birthday time is coming up in my house. Both of my girls have birthdays in July because I am only fertile in October, apparently. I am pretty good at planning ahead for birthdays. Two months ago, I gave my kids an option - you can have a big birthday party or you can invite 1 friend to do an activity of your choice (movies, ice-skating, the aquarium, ect) AND $50 to spend however they please. They went for the cold hard cash....until 2 weeks ago. About 2 weeks ago my oldest was like, "I want a sleepover party for all of my friends." I really am not in the "zone" to be planning parties and I thought we had an agreement. I upped the ante. "I will give you $100." She thought for a minute. "No." Damnit! My youngest piped up, "I want a party too - at Chuck E. Cheese." Whatever.

I was like scrambling around. I booked the party at Chuck E Cheese A.K.A. the casino for kids. That place promotes gambling for children. My daughters become slot machine crackheads at that place. They just keep feeding the machines coins. I'm like "C'mon, there are 4 kids waiting to play." They are all glazed over, "Just one more time, I need more tickets." The Chuck E Cheese near our house is semi-decent in the afternoons but at night that place is scary. I wouldn't step foot in there around tax return time. The real reason my daughter wants to have her party there is to go in the ticket blaster. It's like one of those money grabber wind machines except that it swirls tickets around you. She is memorized by it. It will cost me about $200 to occur but you're only 6 once!

My older daughter wants a sleepover which seems easy enough - except that she wants a tiki themed sleepover. She was explaining to me what she wants and this kid wants me to build an island paradise in the backyard. I do not have the time, energy, skills or funds for that. This is not my Super Sweet Sixteen. So we are going to do some tiki torches and outdoor games. Limbo, pass the coconut, a scavenger hunt, sparklers in the evening (who doesn't love sparklers?). We will set up a craft table so they can make friendship bracelets, key chains and something else I haven't figured out yet. I will make punch in clear glasses with umbrellas and decorate the house will luau themed stuff. It will be fun!

Now the "friend" parties are taken care of. On their actual birthdays which fall during the week we will decorate with banners and balloons before they wake up, they get to open a present in the morning, they pick where they want to have dinner and then we do cake and cupcakes in the evening and they get 2-3 gifts from us.

We usually throw a party with all the aunts, uncles, grandparents, great grandmom, nieces and nephews to celebrate as well. This year we are going to do a big birthday brunch instead of dinner which will be fun. I am going to put birthday candles in doughnuts! I am going to be sick of dinners and cake by the end of the month so I think it will be a good alternative.

We pretty much are having 5 birthday celebrations next month - I am going to be so tired and out of money by the time August arrives. The kids have lived through another earth rotation which is a big cause to celebrate. Not all parents are as lucky. So when I feel like I am starting to get stressed, I will try to count my blessings instead!

I Don't Want to Alarm You

My Wednesday was pretty uneventful until about 3:53 pm. I was wrapping up my work for the day and getting ready to leave the office when my phone rang. "How can I help you?" The voice on the other end said, "Hey, this is Laura from summer camp. I don't mean to alarm you, but...." The statement made my heart sink a little bit because I knew she was about to tell me something that I would indeed be alarmed about. I took a deep breath. I am a veteran when it come to school phone calls. I get called for a lot of things. There was the time my 4 year old told the whole preschool class that babies come from their moms vagina, the time my youngest stuck rubber playground padding up her nose that they couldn't get out, my child biting another, my oldest spelling the B-word (someone asked her how to spell it according to her version of the story, she spelled it correctly - by the way), peed pants, vomiting, asthma attacks, headaches, fevers....the whole slew. My mind was racing at all the possibilities.

"W hit her head at the water park and she has a pretty big bump. We've been applying ice." I just went into a barrage of questions, "Is she okay? Did she scream uncontrollably? Do her pupils appear uneven? Is she acting sleepy or disoriented? Is she having trouble keeping her balance? Has she vomited?" It was an interrogation pretty much. I went right over. 

When I showed up she was standing next to her former pre-school teacher who was applying ice. I went over and took a look and it was a nice sized goose egg. The teacher was crying and apologizing profusely "I am so sorry. I feel so bad that this happened. We love your daughter." I wasn't mad at the school. I can't tell you how many injuries have occurred to my children under my watch. It's not for lack of supervision or negligence. It's one of those things about being a kid. You stub your toes, hit your head, get splinters, break limbs, scrape your knees. I truly think it's a miracle that anyone survives until adulthood. Band-Aid must love children. I should buy Band-Aid stock. 

I crouched down and looked in my daughters eyes. Looked normal. She was walking and talking okay. Wasn't sleepy or disoriented. I was sure we had averted disaster this time. I was even more positive when she looked at me and said, "Since I bumped my head, can you buy me a treat?" 

Biltmore

This weekend my hubby and I went away to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary (which is actually on the 24th). I booked a room at a Bed and Breakfast near the Biltmore Estate in Asheville, NC. The Biltmore was on my bucket list so I was sooooo excited. My husband and I had never been away from the kids together for more than 24 hours so we were beyond excited. My dad kept them for the weekend and my kids LOVE their Pop-Pop so they really weren't that sad to see us go. Traitors.

The drive was 4 hours and just being alone in the car was a mini-vacation. We are high school sweet hearts so I burned a bunch of CDs that had popular music from when we were dating and some other random 90s hits. That was very amusing. When we got to Asheville the B&B owner greeted us with mimosas on this beautiful wrap around porch overlooking the mountains. It was absolutely stunning. We were just pampered from that moment on. Our room was a little cottage that was separate from the main house and it was just beautiful. We had a heart shaped tub which I soooo got a kick out of.

So after a long drive where we reminisced about our early years together, we were finally alone in our room without the kids. I bet you can guess what we did next.....we took a nap. We really are old married people. We laid down and fell asleep for an hour. It was glorious. I never get a nap.

We woke up and drank too much wine on the front porch and then walked into the village for dinner. We ate at one of those restaurants where they serve the food and you wonder how it's supposed to be eaten. It's like 3 bites of food for $30 an entree. We had a good time.

The next day we explored the Biltmore, which was absolutely stunning. We LOVE house museums so it was right up our alley. We walked in the gardens and then toured the winery. They just kept giving us free wine. I am not a drinker at all so my husband was looking out - "I think your done, honey." I am a very cheap date, it doesn't take much.

The next day we went back to the Biltmore to shop and enjoy the village but after an hour we were both ready to see the kids. So we left early. Pretty typical - that explains why we don't leave the kids for more than a day. We miss them too much!

It really was a wonderful weekend. My husband makes me feel young again. When we are alone it's like we are teenagers again. Teenage love is so raw and thrilling and illicit and NEW and even though we have been married 10 years I still have flashes of that. I hope it's always that way - that we are 60 and still sneaking kisses when we are out in public. It's been a wonderful decade.

We got home early and my sister stopped by unexpectedly from Columbia to be fed. That's what college kids do. She should have brought her laundry - I would have done it. My dad came over and we had an impromptu Father's Day dinner. It was nice to have the family all together. I love my dad so much - he definitely is one of my favorite people.

And then Monday came. Back to the daily grind!

I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me

I could make a whole list of things people take for granted before they have children and one of the things at the top of the list would include using the bathroom- alone, in peace, without an audience. When my oldest daughter was a baby she had this crazy ability to know when I left the room so that even if she was dead asleep, if I left her vicinity, she would just scream. So I used to drag her bouncy seat into the bathroom where she would continue to cry because I wan't picking her up and I'd have to play peek-a-boo to keep her happy. I called it bathroom multi-tasking.

In public it's a given. I realized how damn inconvenient it is to use the bathroom in public as a mom on our first outing. I went to Babies R Us and my daughter was in her stroller. It was first thing in the morning and the store was pretty much deserted. I went into the bathroom and the stupid stroller would not fit through the door of the handicap stall. I didn't want to leave the stroller outside of the stall because I know there are baby stealers out in the world and that my daughter would go ballistic if she couldn't see me so I decided that I would keep the stall door open and push the stroller up part-way to kind of block the view. The store had practically no one in it and I knew it would only take 30 seconds so I was confident that my chances of being walked in on was pretty small. But no - a lady walked in. Early 20s, obviously buying a gift for a baby shower. Here I am in the stall with the door open so I can see my baby. I  mumbled something under my breath about the stall doors being to narrow. I wasn't even mortified. I think the 8,000 people that had their arms up my va-jay-jay a week before cured me of any sense of dignity and modesty I had previously possessed.

Then there was the time I was at PF Changs with my 2 year old who needed to use the restroom. There was a long line in the ladies room and by the time we got a stall, I had to go too. She we go in together and she goes and then it was my turn. This is a typical thing - you just rotate when you have toddlers. I am mid pee and my daughter opened the stall and ran out. The door is just flying open and there is a line of women and I am screaming, "Can somebody grab my daughter before she escapes?" Pants down, screaming like a lunatic. That's what being a mom can turn one into. I really wanted to beat her that day.

When you are a mom you use the bathroom with an audience for YEARS. Toddlers cannot be left to their own devices, they try to kill themselves all the time. I would bring books and toys into the bathroom because if they weren't occupied they would pull on the toilet paper, try to crawl into the tub - or worse, want to sit in my lap. My husband would come home from work and be like, "Why are there blocks all over the bathroom floor?" I would get all nutty - "Don't judge me! You get to poop alone!"

It has been about 2 years since I have had a captive audience while I go to the restroom, but that does not mean that I use the bathroom in peace. Every time I am in the restroom I have people talking to me through the door. "Mom, can I have an icecream?" "Mom, she's hitting me." "Mom, Look at my picture" (followed by something being slid under the door). My favorite is when they yell through the door, "Mom, what are you doing in there?" I mean, c'mon children. How many options are there? I am not fighting ninjas or building Lego castles or any other fun thing they are missing out on. I just want to read a book for 10 minutes.

My kids get really offended when I go to the bathroom and don't make an announcement about it. They will be all accusatory, "Where did you go? Why were you gone for so long?" I feel like a teenager who came home late being interrogated by my parents. haha. What a bunch of weirdos.

The only way I can get peace is if my husband is home. I will usually tell him, "Honey, I think I ate something bad for lunch. I might be a while." Then he will be diligent and make sure the kids don't bug me. He probably thinks I have insane stomach problems. I don't care though because I get to sit in silence and get through half of my Reader's Digest and have a little mini-vacation.

Just Be Lazy

I can count on my house to be clean only one day out of the week. On Friday afternoon. We pay to have our house cleaned once a week. Best money I ever spent. I am pretty sure if we didn't have the house cleaned weekly my toilets would be filled with mold and my feet would stick to the floor and I would have toothpaste permanently crusted on the sinks. It's not that we are slobs at all, but in order to have a clean house it must be cleaned constantly or be devoid of children. Not gonna happen. Every Friday I come home to clean floors, a beautiful kitchen and the smell of Lysol.Yet somehow by Saturday evening, my house is a mess again.

There is just not enough time in the day. We are on the go constantly so we kind of just drop everything and move on to the next thing. It is so easy for everything to pile up and then we feel like we are drowning. I really try to make an effort to keep up with things throughout the week. Some days are better than others. I try to pick-up for at least 20 minutes at the end of the day. My husband HATES that I do that.

Cleaning up the house at the end of the day is the last thing he wants to do. I don't blame him and I don't expect him to help me on week nights. He works longer hours than I do so it's fine and I don't nag him. He will lay in bed and try to coax me to stop what I'm doing. "Don't do that now! Come lay down, just relax." I usually roll my eyes. It's not that he wants me to relax, he just doesn't want to feel guilty that I am cleaning and he is not. He thinks that it makes him look sexist and lazy when I am cleaning and he is relaxing. The guilt is not enough to make him get up and help me, just for him to try to convince me to be lazy together. I feed into this and will say things like, "Honey, I am going downstairs. Would you like me to make you a sandwich?"

He cleans on the weekend though like a mofo. He cleaned the garage today, he mows, he takes out the trash. I think that's adequate. But as soon as the mowing and the trash clearing and the laundry is done you turn around and it's time to do it all over again, and again, and again. For years. The saying, "Cleaning your house while the children are growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing" is so true. It could be our family motto for Gods sake! At least I have Fridays. Right now though -  I need to go finish the dishes.

Sleep Issues

I am pretty much an open book. There are not many things that I think are inappropriate to share. But there is one thing that I would never talk about in mixed company. I have committed one of the worst parenting sins. I lay down with my kids before bed every night AND they sleep in my bed every weekend. There – I said it. I used to lie about it. Especially when my children were babies. For some reason moms measure their worth as a parent on how well and where their kids sleep. I have failed this test from day one. My oldest daughter would not sleep at all unless she was laying on my chest. It became a means of survival. This child was a horrible sleeper. Never napped longer than an hour. Wanted to be up all night. All the other moms would talk about their baby sleeping through the night and I'd be like - “Well, I haven't slept more than an hour in 8 months.....” At one point we figured out that she would fall asleep in the car so we would give her a bath in the evening and my husband and I would just drive around for half an hour until she fell asleep. We were desperate. We tried “crying it out” when she was 9 months old and I remember sitting outside the door and listening to her scream. After 5 minutes my husband was like, “We can't do this.” “Don't give in – she will fall asleep.” Then 20 minutes went by and I gave up. I will never forget walking into the room and my little bald baby with tears streaming down her face looking at me like I betrayed her. In that moment I completely surrendered. My youngest was easy to get to sleep but she still does not sleep through the night on most nights. I can count on hearing her little feet pitter pat into our room and climb into bed with us. Both of my kids sleep walk. Sometimes they will walk into my closet and try to use the restroom on the floor. Sometimes they just stand in the hallway like creepy children from The Ring. They just have sleeping issues. I never made a big deal out of their terrible sleeping. I make sure they go to bed early and just tell myself that this will pass. I am confident that my kids won't ask me to lay with them before bed when they are 16. They won't come home from college and want to sleep in my bed with me. So for now, I lay with them before bed. It is my favorite part of the day. I take turns with the girls. We lay in bed and talk for 20 minutes. We joke, we talk about the day. This is the time that the kids ask me serious questions or tell me about things that are bothering them. We talk about the places we want to visit and upcoming events. There are no distractions and we have each others full attention. We snuggle. I love it. I know that at the end of my life I will not regret all the time I spent laying with my kids before bed. I treasure our conversations and all the mornings I have woken up next to them. I don't care if I win the bad mom award.

Wet Monday

The kids got out of school on Friday. They were so excited! I was super excited too. No more checking homework books, packing snacks, going through 8 million papers at the end of the day! Summer is here!

They are going back to their old school for the summer because they have a great program. They go to the water park 3 days a week and do a different field trip every week. This month they are going to Chuckie Cheese, ice skating, the aquarium, Monkey Joe's, a nature program at the country park. They really do a lot of cool activities. Plus, the kids get to see all of their “old” friends.

Yesterday they packed their water bags because they were supposed to go the the water park today. When we woke up it was POURING down rain and thundering and lightning. The kids were so disappointed. Not as disappointed as me though because as we were about to leave I realized that I had left my damn car window down like a big idiot and the whole front half of my car was SOAKED. I went to get some clean towels but there was none to be found. There were 20 wet ones in the washer but none that would be useful to me.

That is the story of my life. I feel like I clean all the time yet when I need a clean item – a fork, a cup, underwear, a towel – there is none. So I grabbed a Disney princess comforter and folded it and covered my seat. I looked absolutely ridiculous driving down the road sitting on this huge pink and purple blanket but I had such few options at that point.

As I am driving I realize that the steering wheel is sweating black crap onto my white eyelet skirt. That was lovely. So I am half wet and dirty by the time I drop the kids off to summer camp. Then to top it off, when I went over a bump on the way to work – water started pouring from my drivers side shade all over me. It was literally raining in my car all on my lap and my shirt.

But the time I got to work it was already a long day. A long, wet, crappy Monday.