Halloween Time

It's almost Halloween and my kids are getting super excited. We did the corn maze last weekend. We get better and better every year. This year was the first year that we made it through the entire maze and neither of the children asked us to hold them or complained that their feet hurt. Progress! We went to the ghost walk  last night which is always great fun. We've done the ghost walk every year for the past 5 years and the kids just love it. It doesn't really feel like Halloween time until we've experienced the ghost walk.

 I feel like I am more prepared for Halloween this year. Last year we ran out of candy. Kids come out of the woodwork on Halloween night. We live in such a fun neighborhood. Grown-ups dress up and have elaborate displays, the candy is amazing and everyone has an awesome time. I ran out of candy last year so I purchased a butt load this year. Good candy - Nerds, Sprees, Gobstoppers, Sweet Tarts and Laffy Taffys. The Nerds have been calling my name and I have to keep reminding myself that they're for the kids!

I'll get my share of candy, no doubt. My kids are very generous with their stash and they usually cut me 25%. I never remember sharing my candy willingly with my parents. I remember coming home from trick or treating and dumping my pillowcase full of candy out on the bedroom floor and my dad would come in and say he needed to take a look at the candy to make sure it was "safe". He would look over everything and say, "I need to test the Butterfinger to make sure it's not poisoned." I would reluctantly hand it over and he'd take one bite and say, "This doesn't taste right." Then another bite....until the whole thing was gone. Then he would try to test the snickers and I would throw myself over my mound of candy. To protect it from invaders.

 My kids get so much candy, it's ridiculous. They really don't need that much sugar. When they go to bed I will take a few pieces from their bags and store it in my secret place where I put stuff I don't want them to see. Halloween candy winds up in their stocking at Christmas time. It will find it's way into their Easter baskets. I am so damn cheap.

We still have our Jack O' Lantern to carve. We will toast the seeds and light candles. I love Halloween and am excited for the coming holidays! Happy Haunting!

Going to College

About a year ago, my oldest daughter declared to me, "Mom, I am going to Clemson for college." I said "Okay." She was second grade. So periodically she will talk about going to Clemson. I listen and I humor her.

In school this semester she is learning about South Carolina geography and the different regions in the state. Last week she came home and sat down next to me on the couch and seemed really concerned. "Mom, why didn't you tell me Clemson is in Greenville? Now I can't go there." I was confused. I didn't see why this was a problem. She doesn't like Greenville? I asked why. "Greenville is 4 hours away! That is too far from you guys!" I laughed, "It really isn't that far. I would come visit you and you can come home for holidays and breaks." I saw that she had already made up her mind. She continued, "I am thinking about going to USC. It's only an hour and a half away and it is a good school too." 

"You know, Clemson and USC are not the only colleges in the world. You might decide to go to a different state." "No, they will be too far away." My husband jumped in, "What about Winthrop?" I gave him a dirty look. Does he think money grows on trees? "What about College of Charleston?" She thought for a minute. "But isn't that downtown?" I told her it was. "NO WAY! Downtown is one of the most haunted places." I paused. "You are only in 3rd grade, you have a lot of time to figure out where you will go to college. You don't need to think about it now. Have fun! Be a kid! You have a lot of time to change your mind." She thought about what I said for a moment and replied, "I'll just go to USC." Whatever.

I don't understand why she is so concerned about college. We talk about the kids going to college but in a very vague, abstract kind of way. My husband and I both went to college so I think it's a natural expectation.   My oldest is very much like me. She is into planning out her life. She knows what she wants to be for the next 5 Halloweens. She makes plans and she executes them. I don't see it as being a bad thing but I just don't want her to be as neurotic as I am. If she is only about 1/2 as neurotic as I am then she will be okay. The truth of the matter is that plans change and goals change and life sometimes doesn't turn out the way you planned. I want her to be flexible enough to realize that. Maybe she will go to college, maybe she will join the military, maybe she will start her own business, maybe she will marry an attorney and be a stay at home mom of 5 children. If she is happy and living up to her potential, I will be proud of her. 

There IS a huge upside to her going to USC, though. I can buy a bumper sticker that says "Big Cock Fan" and I will giggle to myself every time I see it. She planning college, I'm planning bumper stickers. I love this stage of my life. 

Pregnant Time

 It's not me. I am not pregnant. Learned my lesson. Twice. We have some friends who we have been speculating for the past few years when they would start having babies. Well, mostly I speculate and I draw my husband into my crazy musings. Why do I care at all? Because I think people that have potential to be amazing parents should procreate prolifically for the future of our country. It's a civic duty! I ask people when they are going to have babies all the time. My husband thinks I am horribly inappropriate. "Do you know that you are pretty much asking them when they are going to quit birth control?" He just has to deal with it. I can't help that I am horribly inappropriate. He knew that when he married me.

So I am sitting at work on Monday and I hear my phone beep under my pile of paperwork and I pulled it out and there was a text from my hubby. "They're pregnant!" I let out a "whoop" and threw my arms in the air as if my favorite team scored a touchdown. I live vicariously through my friends and family members who are having babies because it makes the baby itch stay away for me.

I am always so jealous of beautiful, glowing pregnant women. I was not one of those. The first time around I just puked for 6 months. To the point of having to go to the hospital for IV fluids. I looked bloated and pale and gross. They say that if you are pregnant with a girl that they steal your beauty. That was so true for me. I decided to give it a second chance and it was the same. Maybe that was Gods way of limiting my family size. When people ask if I'm having more kids, I say, "No - I like sleep and I really hate vomiting every day."

I work with new moms and babies so I also get a pretty big dose of reality every day. Once you have a baby you are ushered into the world of carseats and peri-bottles. It's different. One would think it would be easy to have a baby. You feed them, change a few diapers and then they sleep the rest of the time, right? If only it could be that easy. One week with a new baby can make you look like a homeless person. You don't know what day it is. You forget if you brushed your teeth that day. hahaha. It's an amazing and humbling experience. I have held thousands of babies over the years and I always imagine what their life will be like. Am I holding a future president or perhaps a saint? A new baby is full of endless possibilities in a way that is hard to comprehend. When I am holding a new baby, I flash back to my babies and what it felt like to hold their tiny bodies close to mine and the smell of their milky breath. There is only 1 piece of unsolicited advice that I give new parents. "Relax! Hold your baby and enjoy this time because it goes by in an instant." As much as I love babies- I am always glad to hand them back to their mothers.

The Fair

I was asked to be an exhibitor at the State Fair this past Sunday. I needed the help of my husband so we packed up the whole family and we decided we would take turns with the kids and explore the fairgrounds. So we packed up early and headed out. We got free parking and admission since we were asked to come. I told my husband to take out $80 to buy bracelets to ride all the rides and to buy lunch at some point for the kids. The kids were so excited.

In an hour or two my husband came back to check in. "Yeah  - the money is the gone and the tickets too." Apparently the fair doesn't sell the bracelets for unlimited rides on the weekends so you have to buy ticket books. They were $25 for 22 tickets. Each ride took 2-3 tickets. So if you do the math - I have 2 kids, 1 book of tickets gets them 5 rides that last for approximately 2 minutes each. So $25 for 10 minutes worth of rides.Holy crap. I grabbed $40 and said to my husband jokingly, "We are going to play a game today called how much money does it cost to keep the kids happy at the fair for a day?"

Then it was my turn to explore with the kids. We were in the agriculture building so we looked at the prized Christmas trees and cotton plants that are grown in the state. They milked a pretend cow....

We left the building and were in a crowd of people. The fair is an interesting place. I don't think anyone has ever gone to the fair and said, "Wow, this place is really clean." People are waddling around eating deep fried sticks of butter. I was starved but did not want fried food. I found this little pizza stand that had baked ziti which was reasonable. They charged $3.00 for a bottle of water. Which is just outrageous. We sat at this table behind the stand and ate. It was kind of gross -the table, not the ziti.

Afterwards I purchased another book of tickets. The kids were so freaking adorable about it. They acted like they had won the lottery. I asked if I could go on a ride and they were like, "Mom, we want you to watch so that our tickets don't get wasted." They were trying to conserve. They went on this boat ride that spun around and they were just so happy. We played a game where they pick up a duck to win a prize and they both won stuffed fish.

We went and saw all the animals. Chickens, cows, goats, sheep. They liked that. It was a pretty exhausting day. We packed up around 5:30. The girls were clutching their little pink fish. "So, $121 to keep the kids happy at the fair for one day." My husband laughed, "It was worth it." I agreed. The kids did too - plus they were so pooped they fell asleep in an instant when we got home. Can't put a price on that.

In the Middle of the Night

On Thursday night I was feeling awful. I have this horrible head and chest cold, my husband was working until midnight that night. The kids REFUSED to eat the ravioli I made for dinner. I told them they were unappreciative  and to make their own dinner. They ate popcorn and dry cereal....and I didn't feel bad about it. I was out cold by 8:40 pm. 

I woke up at 1:13 am. My head was congested, my throat hurt. I kept tossing and turning. Every time I would flip, my sinus congestion would switch sides. So annoying. I laid in bed for 15 minutes and I knew there was no going back to sleep for me. So, I did what any other crazy person would do - I decided to get up and clean my house. I folded 2 loads of laundry, I threw in a load, I did dishes, I wiped down the entire kitchen, I swept, I cleaned the bedroom (using the light from the bathroom as to not wake my husband), I packed snacks for the kids for Friday. At 3:40, I was done. I felt like a zombie but my house was clean. I was happy. I fixed myself a snack and some echinacea tea and I decided that I would read the news. I sat down quietly at the desk and pulled up the news. Not 2 minutes in - I feel a tap on my shoulder. DAMNIT!

My little 6 year old was standing behind me, rubbing her eyes. Her hair was looking insane. We call her "Medusa" in the morning - that's the kind of hair she has. "Mama, my throat is dry. Can you make me a cup of ice water?" I got up and fixed her some ice water and tucked her back in. "Honey, it's 4 o'clock in the morning - you have to go back to sleep." She looked at me sadly, "But I want to be with you." I told her to lay down with my husband in our bed. Thankfully she didn't protest much and I got to finish my tea and news  reading in peace.

My kids have a sixth sense when it comes to me. It's like we are on the same biological rhythm. No matter how quiet I am - they always wake up when I am up. It's like they have this sensor in their body that goes off when I am not around and they must find me. They always were this way - from the moment they were born. If mom was not in the vicinity, they were not happy. I surprised they do well at school and don't cry for me.   I hope they outgrow it before college because I imagine that would be awkward for them....

Scary Movies

Our family loves Halloween. It's comes pretty close to Christmas as our favorite holiday. Our Halloween festivities are in full swing. Our yard is adorned with tombstones, cobwebs and skeletons. Our trips to the corn maze and ghost walk are planned. The costumes have been purchased. Thiller is playing in the background as dinner is being cooked. We are loving it!

Friday night is typically our movie night. In October we pick Halloween themed, sci-fi or scary movies that we can watch as a family. This year I thought it was time to graduate to some different movies. I mean, I love Charlie Brown and the Great Pumpkin, but I am thinking we can expand our horizons a little bit.

My husband and I were laying in bed, contemplating movies that the kids could watch and enjoy that won't scar them for life. So we were going through the list and talking about movies we watched as kids. I said, "I watched Freddy Kruger when I was 8. We watched it the night my little sister was born. My other siblings were 6." My husband gave me a puzzled look. I explained, "Our kids would cry and poop their pants if we let them watch it. I'm just saying." My husband stated that he watched Jason as an elementary school aged child. "That was a stellar parenting decision on your mom and dads part." So then we went back and forth, "What about Rose Red? It was a TV movie." "I watched that movie in my 20's and I was horrified." "What about The Shining? It's just a crazy guy and he freezes at the end." "What about the part where the dad murders his little twin daughters?" "Forgot about that. What about IT - I mean c'mon, it's about a mutant spider." "Honey, did you forget about the part with the guy in the bathtub with slit wrists, the demon clown that pulls little children into the sewer and kills them, and the copious amount of blood that is displayed throughout the entire film?" He laughed, "Oh yeah." When my husband watches a movie he only focuses on one part of the movie that sticks out to him and forgets the rest. I worry when I am away. Last time I was out of town for work he let the kids watch JAWS. God help us!

We settled on Signs. It's sci-fi and has some funny parts and is suspenseful and not gory. The kids were freaked out. They were both under the covers shouting, "Tell us when the alien goes away." I turned to my husband and said, "Thank God we didn't settle on IT."

Bra Burning

The other night after a long day of work and dinner making and school, I came home and wouldn't wait to get out of my work clothes. I peeled off my clothes and put on my pajamas and I walked out of the closet and started venting to my husband. "I hate bras. They are the worst things ever. They are like cages. Whoever invented them was probably a man. Those feminists had a good thing going when they decided to burn their bras." My eight year old looked up from her book with an intrigued look on her face. "Well, why do people need to wear them for anyway?" That was a very good question. I thought for a moment about it and really I could think of not one true and good legitimate reason. So I said, "To hold your boobs up, I guess." She looked at me like that was the strangest concept ever. "That is really dumb." I told her she was right. Then she said decidedly, "You should stop wearing one. You should just let them hang."  My husband and I were on the floor laughing. "Honey, I can't do that." "Why not? They are not big, anyway." Thanks for the reminder. "Well, it's something that you have to do. It's like underwear. You can't just not wear underwear." As freeing as it may be, it's just socially unacceptable. She told me that she just wanted me to be comfortable. That was sweet.

I like that she was encouraging me to go against societal norms. Who cares what everyone else is doing - if you are not comfortable, just let em' hang. I hope she is always that way.

Giving Up

It'd been a weird few weeks. The kids had been sick (but are now doing fabulously), work has been insanely busy, the house has been a wreck (that's not unusual). I am just exhausted. Physically and emotionally spent. So I pretty much have given up on life this week. I have been eating crap. I have pretty much existed on candy, Diet Coke, Moes, and hand-fulls of Frankenberry cereal. Gross. I hate to eat crap, it makes me feel like Jabba the Hut on the inside. I feel gross but have been powerless to stop it.

I've been putting my hair in a pony tail and wearing scrubs to work all week. Let's face it - scrubs are just one step above pajamas. They are called SCRUBS for Gods sake! I have been a scrub this week. I have been wearing sweatpants out in public. No makeup. I could be on that People of Walmart website if I shopped at Walmart. 

On Thursday I had event to attend with my husband's job. It was at a hotel, his boss and co-workers were supposed to be there. I was desperate make myself look presentable. As much as I have given up on everything "me" this week, I am still a little vain. When I am out with my husband,   I want to be the pretty wife. It shouldn't matter. It doesn't matter what you look like - being the smart wife, or the funny wife, or the devoted wife should mean so much more. But everyone wants to be the pretty wife. 

So I made an effort - I plucked my eyebrows, shaved my legs, and I even.....wait for it.....blow dried my hair! I traded in my scrubs and sneakers for a dress and heels. I didn't want to, but I did. I looked in the mirror and thought, "Who is this person? She is way hotter than that sweatpant wearing beast." It was good for me. It broke me out of my funk. The next day I didn't eat crap. I made a spinach tart for dinner. I still wore scrubs to work, but I'm getting there. 

The ER

As mentioned in a previous post, when I picked up my 6 year old from school Friday she had a bug bite that she complained was hurting. It had a little red welt but didn't look bad. When we got home, I washed the area and put some antibiotic ointment on it and I had her elevate her leg and ice it so it wouldn't be so uncomfortable. We watched a movie and them went to bed.

I woke up at my usual 5 am on Saturday morning and got dressed and sat down with a cup of coffee to read the news. Around 6, my daughter woke up and she limped into my room. "Mom, my leg hurts really bad." She sat on the edge of the bed and I pulled her pant leg up and from under her knee, down her leg was extremely swollen, red, and very hot to the touch. It looked (and felt) like someone dipped her leg in a pot of boiling water. I was slightly alarmed. "We are going to the doctors. Get dressed." That's what we did.

It was 7 am and all the doc-in-a-box places were closed. That was very annoying. I went to 3 different ones before finally surrendering and going to the ER - which I knew would have rude staff, a long wait and cost a small fortune. I was right, the ER never disappoints when it comes to those 3 things.

We walk in and the lady at the front desk didn't even look up. "Good morning..." I begin. She responds with, "Hold on," and she proceeded to do her paperwork for a another 10 minutes. When she finally did check us in she was completely disinterested and rude. I wanted to say to her, "It's cool if you hate your life, but maybe you shouldn't be working with the general public." Alas, my life is full of things I want to say but never do.

They have us sit in the waiting room for what seemed like an eternity. The TV in the waiting room was showing an infommerical for a Shark steam cleaning mop. My daughter was mesmerized by it. She kept poking me saying, "Mom, can we get that? Please, Please, Please...." She was telling me how great it was and how it could help me with cleaning. She sounded like a Shark steam cleaning salesperson. It was very strange. "I think it's pretty expensive." She looked offended, "It is only $45.95." "Actually, it's four payments of $45.95." She kept bugging me about it until I finally said, "I'll ask Santa to get me one for Christmas."

I had brought a pad of drawing paper, markers, books and toys with us in the event that she got bored. She asked to draw a picture. She drew this:

It is a picture of a woman standing next to her Shark steam cleaner. Notice how clean and sparkly her floor is. She is saying, "I am so happy my floor is clean."

They finally called us back and took us to another room to wait for another hour. My daughter was getting anxious so I told her I would put on a show. There were 2 signs in the room next to the TV that said, "KEEP THE TV ON CHANNEL 4." All in uppercase. As if they were yelling it. I turned on the TV and The Real Housewives of New Jersey was on channel 4. I didn't know anything about this program but I am from New Jersey and they were at a fashion show, so it seemed pretty okay. Well, I was wrong. They had bad potty mouths and were bratty and have stupid, made-up problems. I tuned the TV off.

We read a book. My daughter asked me to climb up onto the gurney with her and we laid side by side on our bellies reading until the doctor came in and proceeded to look at me like I was a weirdo. I get that look a lot.

He looked at her leg, declared it cellulitis, wrote a prescription and left. We waited another 40 minutes before they let us out of that God forsaken place.

I went to the front and the rude lady was there and she told me I owed $125. "Is that my 20%?" "No, that is your co-pay. We will bill you for the 20%." I handed her my debit card and I grimaced and turned away. It was painful to watch. I had already spent hundreds of dollars this week on 3 dr. visits, chest x-rays and medicine. It was required but that is a lot of money to rack up unexpectedly in one weeks time. The lady must have noticed that it was causing me pain because she said, "You can always apply for charity." I laughed, "I have the money, I am just being a cheap a**hole." Okay, I didn't call myself an a**hole. I did call myself cheap. She handed me the receipt and I sighed.

I turned my my little one. "Want to go to Publix to get some Ramen noodles?" This kid LIVES for Ramen noodles. She nodded excitedly. I was kind of excited too because I knew her medicine would be free at Publix. Score!