I don't talk about work very often because I have some boundaries. Me, boundaries? I know that's shocking. It doesn't matter anymore because I quit my job. There are many reasons but mostly because I can't do it all.
Here is a typical day of a working mom with school aged kids:
Alarm goes off at 5:45. NO. JUST NO. Hit snooze. You know that you'll regret it later but you are exhausted. Roll out of bed at 6:03. Husband is bleary eyed and right behind you. Go into the kid's rooms and tell them to wake up. Let the dog out and feed the animals. Start the coffee. You hear the shower from your husband but don't hear the kids. Walk over to the stairs and SCREAM up the stair hall for them to get up. Go back to kitchen and make lunches. You hate making lunches. Put pancakes in the microwave. Yes, you buy frozen microwaveable pancakes because that's all you have the energy to do. Once breakfast and lunches are done, it's your turn to get ready for work.
Go upstairs, straighten hair, and get ready. Kids bother you 8 times while you're getting ready. "Mom, where are my shoes?" How the f*ck do I know? I don't wear them. "Mom, you didn't sign my permission slip yesterday. You promised." Shit! "I know, just get it out of your book bag and put it in front of my breakfast plate with a pen." Finish getting ready and join family downstairs. Sign permission slip that was due 2 days ago. Kid A reminds you that she needs $5 for some school event. You go to write a check but you are out of checks. Make a note to reorder.
Kiss hubby and head out with Kid B. He'll take Kid A. Answer work emails at stop lights on the way to school. Drop off Kid B at school. Phone rings. It's your husband, "Dude, Kid A forgot her flute."
Seriously? "Well, I have a morning meeting. She'll have to go without." Husband sighs. "I know it's her fault but they are doing their scales test today or something. I'll just turn around after I drop her off. If I'm late, I'll stay late." DAD OF THE YEAR.
Get to work and work, work, work, work, work. Personal phone pings. School needs volunteers. Can't do it. Email back and let them know you can send in cookies. Back to work. Personal phone pings. Appointment reminder: Kid B has an orthodontist appointment tomorrow. F**K! Tomorrow isn't going to work because you have an important meeting. Call orthodontist office to re-schedule the appointment for the THIRD time. The THIRD damn time. You can tell the receptionist on the other line is judging you. You don't care. You've given up.
Time for lunch. Craving salt. Go to Wendys and order a disgusting amount of food. Sit in your car and eat your burger while listing to 80s tunes on the radio. Eating your feelings was never so satisfying. You remark that you've gained 7 pounds in the past 2 months. You haven't worked out in 3 months. F**k it, stuff another french fry in your face hole. At least you ordered a Diet Coke. Afterwards, you need a nap. You need a f**king lifetime of naps because you are so damn tired.
Back to work, work, work. Leave work to pick up Kid B for gymnastics. First, you have to pack a snack. Drive Kid B to practice. You read work emails at stop lights and complete 2 work calls on the way there because you are beast mode at multitasking.
Go home. Breakfast plates are still on the table. Clear table and load dishwasher. Time to make dinner. You forgot to defrost the chicken. F**k it! Call husband, "Are you on your way home?"
"Not yet. Trying to resolve this server issue. Hopefully it won't be too late."
"Can you pick up Kid A on your way home and grab dinner?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"Anything that I don't have to cook."
Work phone keeps pinging. NO. Not looking at it. Go upstairs and do a load of laundry while waiting for husband to come home with dinner. Clean litter box and vacuum. Go to bathroom. It looks like a damn bomb exploded in there. There is a ring in the toilet. How? You just cleaned it last week....you think.
Husband walks through the door with Kid A and dinner. Subs and chips. Good enough. You need a vegetable in your life so bad. Kid A chats about her day and you and hubby stare off into space. It's been an exhausting day. Then you hear, "We have a group project to work on tomorrow. I need to bring in poster board and gel pens."
"You need it by tomorrow?"
"Yes."
"You've got to be shitting me."
"That's what they said."
Look at the clock. Kid B needs to be picked up in 45 minutes. Tell Kid A to do her homework. Tell hubby that you have to go to the store and pick up poster board and gel pens and then pick up Kid B. He is exhausted from a long day at work and nods.
Go to craft store and pick up poster board and pens. The cashier is slow as crap. You are 5 minutes late picking up Kid B. She is seething. On the way home she says, "By the way, I had to walk laps today at recess because you didn't sign my agenda." You die a little bit inside and feel terrible. That happened last week too.
You walk through the door and tell Kid B to eat dinner. You go in her book bag and sign her agenda. Send her upstairs to shower and get ready for bed. Clear the table. Step in something sticky. Can't remember last time you mopped. Sweep the floor and silently resent husband who is enjoying a TV program.
Go upstairs to remind kids to brush their teeth. They have been doing this shit their WHOLE LIVES but still need reminding. Kiss them goodnight and vow you'll plan a special day with them soon. Go into bedroom and lay out work clothes for the next day. Take a hot shower. It feels so good. You have a tension headache and your body is aching. Put on sweats and crawl into bed. That glorious bed that you've missed all day. You are exhausted. Bone tired. You close your eyes and feel a tap on your shoulder. Oh My God. "You want to do IT? We just did it like, 2 days ago. NO - It was definitely 2 days ago. We can but I am so tired. I am seriously going to just lay here. Don't be offended, I still love you. Oh, that works for you? Ok."
Then, go to sleep. Wake up at 3 am in a cold sweat. You never put the clothes from the washer into the dryer. Too tired to get out of bed. You'll re-run it with a cup of vinegar in the morning if it smells. Fall back asleep. Just 3 more hours until you get to do it all again.
That is a school day. Friday nights are less hectic. You sit down on the couch to watch a movie at 7 pm with the family but you fall asleep at 8 pm on the couch. Hubby has to nudge you to come upstairs.
At least you have your weekends, right?
You wake up on Saturday at 6 am. Can't sleep. Feed the animals. Go to make breakfast. There is no food in the house. There is like, 2 eggs, half a bag of stale pretzels and one freeze pop. You have to go to the grocery store but don't have a list put together. Sit down with a cup of coffee to make list but now Kid B is up. She wants breakfast and she wants your attention. You wish she was still asleep and feel like a horrible mother for feeling that way. You put down the list and chat with Kid B.
Load dishes into dishwasher. The house is a damn wreck. Start cleaning up. Wipe down counters, sweep and dust. It's 8:30 am. You have a birthday party at 11. F**K! You forgot to pay the Comcast bill. Run upstairs to the computer and pay it. Hubby is waking up. "Dude, I'm so tired. It's been a rough week." Ha! The party is at 11 am and it was take 1/2 hour to get there and at least 45 minutes to get everyone ready and out the door. Oh! You still need to get a gift. Damnit! Get ready, the kids are grumpy. Run by the store and pick up a gift. Attend birthday party. Eat more pizza and cake than you should. Complain to other parents about how hard this parenting gig is.
Leave party, go back home. So tired. Lay down to take a nap. After half an hour of not being able to settle because your mind is racing you get up and go to the grocery store. The kids are watching Youtube videos and eating Cheetos. Lovely. Go to grocery store and come back an hour and a half later.
You and hubby unload the groceries, which is the worst part of the whole ordeal. You just spent $200 at the grocery store but you cannot possibly cook dinner. "Can we just pick up dinner?" That would be 5 times this week. Hate yourself some more. You have laundry to fold but you just leave it. Fall asleep on the couch before 9. You have Sunday, after all.
Wake up on Sunday and do your daily tasks. Pray for forgiveness for not going to church. Try to catch up on all your chores. Make kids clean their rooms, bathroom, and fold their own laundry. Fold the rest of the laundry, do 5 more loads, try to mop. Feel anxious because tomorrow is Monday and you have to go back to the job you have grown to despise. Take picture of the kids and post on Facebook. You know, because you have to put on the illusion that you're hanging in there....
So, that's it in a nutshell. That's just a run-of-the-mill average week. Throw in vomiting, a sick animal, the oil needing to be changed in the car, a gymnastics competition, an impending holiday and it all goes to hell. I am not the only one. This is what life is like for millions of working moms.
The problem with being a working mom is that you are expected to also be able to do everything that a stay at home mom does with the same amount of hours in the day. It is IMPOSSIBLE. I love my husband and he helps a lot but we BOTH are at risk of serious burnout if we keep up this pace. He works just as hard as I do, if not harder. The thing that working parents need the most is the only thing that money can't buy: TIME.
I have tried to come up with a solution for a while now. I could make my kids stop their activities. That is not an option. They love their activities, it gives them confidence and keeps them out of trouble. Not an option. I can give up all the extra things that I do. Having friends and family over, volunteer work that brings me joy. I don't think so. I told my husband that I wanted to hire someone to work in our home 4 days a week. A nanny-type person to do light housekeeping and shuffle the kids to activities. My husband agreed. Truly, he is in the same position I am. We are both stretched entirely too thin and we cannot do anymore than we already are. This was a GREAT option and I would have done it if I liked my job and felt like it was where I needed to be.
My husband has been telling me to quit my job for months now. I have been miserable. I can never turn it off, I have been exhausted and unhappy. He'd shrug and say, "Just quit. You don't need to do this. I got you. You're my number one stunna." He's a goofball. I entertained the idea but I'm not a quitter. Even though my intuition was telling me it was time and I could feel it in my gut - I resisted.
Then, a few weeks ago, I was home after work. It was after 5 pm and I was still on a work call. After I finally hung up, my 12 year old sat down next to me, laid her head on my shoulder and said, "Mom, you haven't spent any time with us this week." I looked around. My side table had a layer of dust on it. There were burger wrappers on my coffee table, my head was pounding and it hit me like a bolt of lightning. She's right and I don't have to do this anymore.
When my husband came home, I told him. "I'm quitting." He smiled, "I've been telling you to." He likes to be right.
I took a week off to really think about it and decide. I spent time with my children, I took them to the river, I cleaned my house, I took a nap. I turned off my work phone. Last Friday, my husband came home from work. I cooked a fabulous dinner and we all sat down to eat. Afterwards, I stood at the sink and did the dishes. He came up from behind and put his arms around me. He leaned in and whispered in my ear. "The kids need you here. I need you. You can plant that garden you've always wanted. You can write. I am so proud of you and I want you to be happy." I knew I was doing the right thing in that moment.
I am so fortunate that I have a supportive husband and that I have options. There are a lot of people who fantasize about having the option to just quit their job and still be able to maintain their life. I don't take it lightly and I am very aware of how blessed I am.
I am not trying to make a statement about working moms vs stay at home moms. I'm not trying to disappoint feminists everywhere. I am just trying to maintain my life and my sanity. Christ! I am 32 years old. I have 8 years before my kids launch. My oldest has just 6 years of school left. That's it.
I've worked with the dying and it's been an amazing eye opener. Life is short. So short. My life is not a dress rehearsal. I cannot stay where I am and maintain my family, my marriage and my sanity. Those are the things that are my priority. The future is bright, the universe is full of abundance. I am young and I have options.
I may decide to go back to work in a few months, in a year, in a few years. If I do, we will hire someone to work in our home multiple days a week. I don't care if that sounds pretentious. I cannot do it all and I know it. I may decide to write. I've been wanting to write The Bad Mom Award Chronicles for quite some time and life has gotten in the way. I hope to plant my garden and just enjoy the years I have left with my children. To spend more time with my husband. To be present with him.
So here's to my family, to my next adventure, to having options, to living my best life...
