10,9,8,7,6.....

It's New Year's Eve! Time to say goodbye to the old and usher in the new. Which is just symbolic, nothing we be new tomorrow. Except for the number, which means I will put the wrong dates on checks and other important documents for the next 2 months.

There is so much pressure to have fun and be epic on New Year's Eve. I'm over it. When I was a kid, I imagined that one day I would be spending New Year's on a yacht. Can you see me? In a gold, sequin dress, my hair in a french twist. Looking very thin and fabulous. There is a man playing a grand piano and a gentleman in a white tuxedo carrying a tray a champagne flutes. There is shrimp cocktail and caviar and dancing. At midnight, we all go out on the deck and light sparklers and kiss strangers..... I watched too many movies. That is not how life turned out, which is fine (unless you are reading this and own a yacht and want to invite us to your party).

I know a lot of people that want to spend New Year's Eve in Times Square watching the ball drop. I am in the minority and think that it would not be fun at all. Those people show up at like, 8 am and wait ALL DAY and night. They are all smooshed together. It's cold as hell in New York City. Also, you must have to hold your pee all night. I have been told there are porta-potties, but you have to navigate through a crowd of thousands of people to get to them. I think about that every time I watch the ball drop. I think, "How many of those people are suffering because they are really cold AND have to pee right now?" At least 10. Probably more, but 10 at the least.

We have had our fair share of lame New Year's. I was thinking about all the New Year's Eve celebrations and I realized that this will be our 14th New Year's Eve that my husband and I have spent together, because we spent New Year's together before we were dating.

I was 16 and my parents let me have a small group of friends over, but he had to work. He came over after his shift to chill and hang out, but 15 minutes until midnight he said he had to leave. "Why?" "I have to spend it with my parents and my family." I thought that was totally lame. I had to hear it from my parents the next day. "Did you know he left to be with his parents at midnight? That is so sweet. He is such a nice boy - you really should date him." I rolled my eyes at them. "You people are stupid, I'm not going to date him." They were always trying to pressure me to go out with him. Much to their chagrin, I married that nice boy 18 months later.

Fast forward to another memorable New Year's Eve - 2003, we moved to Dallas that day. We got to the apartment in the morning and signed our paperwork. The movers came and our couch didn't show up, our desk was broken, a ton of stuff was missing. Thanks ARMY! We were not in good spirits. I was 15 weeks pregnant and vomiting. That night, we ate Subway on the corner. We went back to the apartment and some how we had a bottle of wine. The problem was that the corkscrew was in a box that never showed up. We didn't know what to do. This was 10 years ago. Our internet wasn't set up, there was no smartphones or GPS. We Mapquested and printed the directions to get to the apartment for God's sake. We didn't know a soul in Dallas. Not one person. We moved there on a whim because it seemed like a cool city. That's us- making good, logical decisions. It didn't seem like a good idea to go driving around to find a place that sells corkscrews in a new city. We were afraid we wouldn't be able to find our way back. He was adamant that it was New Year's Eve and he was going to have a glass of wine despite the fact that we had no corkscrew. He tried to be resourceful and open it with a screw driver, which was a comedy of errors. He did get to the wine, but the cork was destroyed. He poured a glass and we sat alone in our quiet apartment and he drank that wine with cork particles floating at the top. We fell asleep on our mattress on the floor. I woke up at 1:00 am. I nudged my husband, "Honey, it's 2004. Happy New Year." He didn't even open his eyes. He raised his hand as an acknowledgement and fell right back asleep. We became parents that year. That's frightening.

The next New Year's Eve we had a baby and closed on our first house that day. What a difference a year makes.....

Last year we were in Florida and my youngest daughter threw up 10 minutes before the ball dropped. That was very awesome.

The ones in between have been uneventful. We always spend New Year's with the kids. Sometimes with friends and family. We usually host a little get together. Nothing too exciting. This year I wanted to do something a little different and fun for the kids. So I told them that they could have a New Year's Eve sleepover party. I let them each invite 5 people, with the assumption that people might be out of town or might not be able to come. Well, we will be spending New Year's Eve with 12 little girls -  14 if you count the neighbors who won't sleep over. I think it will so fun. I made treasure boxes with sparklers, noise makers, glow sticks, necklaces, party hats and I put together this crazy scavenger hunt with clues and I'm going to make them find the treasure boxes. We set up a stage with their keyboard, guitar and microphone. We brought crafts so they can do art and make jewelry. We purchased a ton of fireworks, so we will go out and set those off throughout the night. We'll roast marshmallows, play Head's Up, dance. We'll watch the ball drop. I brought plastic champagne flutes and sparking juice so the kids can toast at midnight. Then I won't sound lame if people ask what I did on New Year's Eve. "We had a big party. We had food and even live music." haha.

I am off to get the day started. Have a happy and safe New Year! Welcome 2014!

The Day I Was Pregnant

  

So....I thought I was pregnant the other day, which was completely horrifying. I was cleaning the house and getting the Christmas stuff packed up and I realized it was the end of December. How can that be? Already? Oh.my.God. I'm pregnant. Things are not how they should be. I entertained this thought for a moment and I thought, "No way, that's impossible." But then I thought- I have been feeling very bloated and unusually tired and I haven't been sleeping good. I've been having weird dreams. Because I was being scientific and not neurotic at all. My heart sunk into my stomach. I called my husband at work, "I know this is going to sound absolutely insane, but things are not how they should be and I think I'm pregnant." Did he speak comfort to me? No, of course not. He laughed and said, "It's not my baby."

We made the decision not to have any more children many years ago. We were very young. We were just 23 and 24 and we knew that we were good. We had two healthy children. We felt complete. I knew that if we didn't do something drastic, I would have 8 kids by the time I was 40. I am a fertile myrtle. I don't understand how people that are not sterile don't have kids for long stretches of time. I would be pregnant every time I turned around, I think. So we made it permanent. I would have let them take my uterus out, but apparently they don't remove uteruses from 23 year olds. I was happy about it. I always believed in the power of the vasectomy until I worked with a lady who got pregnant on her 20th wedding anniversary YEARS after her husband had a vasectomy. It sent chills up my spine. I don't trust them anymore. Tubes can grow back. I think nature always tries to find a way. I don't like it.

I tried to clean my house but I was so upset and feeling morose. We were having dinner at my dad's house which I knew would take my mind of of things. I told the kids to get their shoes on and off we went. I walked into my dad's house and said hello and a minute later he said, "I have something for you." He handed me a VHS tape, not any VHS tape. This VHS tape:
                                     
I am not kidding you, true story. I looked at him funny. "Why are you giving this to me?" He shrugged, "It fell out the the cabinet right before you came over." My heart sank again. Is this a sign, God? Because if it is, I don't like your sense of humor. I needed to do something immediately, I was freaking out. I decided that I would just go buy a pregnancy test. Right at that moment. I left and drove straight to CVS. I balked at the price of the pregnancy tests. I should have just went to the dollar store. I frequent the CVS so I knew the guy who was ringing me up. He acts weird and socially awkward when I buy shampoo so I think this purchase really threw him for a loop. He looked at the pregnancy test and he looked at me and gave me a weird look. Then he wouldn't look me in the eye again or talk. He just took my money. I wanted to say, What? Am I making a declaration to the world? Did I do something that I'm not supposed to do? I think not -I'm a married woman for God sake with 2 kids already. I'm a responsible person. But I didn't say that. I said, "Have a nice evening," and I grabbed the test and left.

I drove back to my dad's house and disappeared and took the stupid test. I watched as the one line appeared and and the anxiety washed out of my body. I was so happy. I was ecstatic. I came down stairs and ate dinner and life went on.

I don't want to sound like a selfish, horrible person - because I love babies. I really do. I think they are fantastic. I think people should have them - lots of them, if they want to. Just not ME. I don't want to vomit and be ill and wipe butts and walk a crying baby for hours. I have walked through the valley of sleepless nights and endless laundry. I have braved the world with puffs and sippy cups in hand. It was a joyous time in our lives, I loved our babies. I gave them everything that I had. But that time is over for us now. We are in another place in our lives. A place that I couldn't even have dreamed of or imagined when the kids were babies and toddlers. I always thought I would be terribly sad as the kids got older and long for a little person, but it's not as sad as I thought it would be. It's actually quite fun. We will have a teenage daughter in 3 1/2 years. We can go places without packing bags. We have careers that we enjoy. Life is settled.

I am thinking about getting my tubes tied now. Maybe an IUD too. Maybe also practicing natural family planning on top of that. You can never be too careful.

Christmas Come and Gone

                     
Another Christmas has come and gone. I am exhausted, truthfully. I slept for 13 hours yesterday! I'm surprised that the kids let me, but thank goodness - because it sure has been a hectic few days.

On Christmas Eve we took the kids to see Santa Claus- because we are horrible parents and procrastinated and didn't do it sooner. I figured the line wouldn't be that long but I was wrong. We stood among all the last minute parents and waited to see Santa. The kids started annoying us after 20 minutes. It's a thing that they do. I kept laughing and saying, "You better behave, you don't want Santa to bring you a bag of switches."

A few weeks earlier, I heard someone ask a kid if Santa was going to bring them gifts or a bag of switches. I interjected, "I thought Santa gave coal to bad kids." It must be a Southern thing. I think that's a little heavy handed. A whole BAG of switches? Wow. I still think it's hilarious and will use that from now on. haha.

So we finally get to Santa Claus and get the kids picture taken. My 9 year old looked like a giant. She was sitting on Santa's lap and her feet touched the ground. How the heck did she get so big? He asked what they wanted for Christmas and we were on our way.

We spent the rest of the day cleaning and relaxing. I started dinner at 4. When I was a kid my dad would always make shrimp scampi over linguine on Christmas Eve. I make it every Christmas Eve now and my dad joins us for dinner. I thought how strange that is and I started to wonder when my kids will start cooking Christmas Eve dinner for me. But then I thought - what if they don't want to spend Christmas with me? What if they want to spend it with their in-laws? Then I thought, maybe they will marry only-children and then I can host the in-laws as well. But then I thought that I wouldn't want them to marry only-children because I want my grand babies to have lots of aunts and uncles. I'm already kind of annoyed at my kid's future in-laws. Then I thought that I was crazy and should just try to live in the moment and I finished making dinner.

It was a nice dinner with my dad and his girlfriend and my brother. We ate and then had hot chocolate and roasted marshmallows while we watched A Christmas Story. Then the kids went up to bed and it was time to play Santa. My brother stayed at the house so we put him to work. We brought in the gifts from the garage. He tripped over something and there was a loud "CRASH" - we all froze in place and were silent. Like bank robbers about to be discovered. My husband tip toed quietly up the stairs to check on the kids to make sure they were still asleep. He came back down and gave us the thumbs up. Whew! That was a close call.

We placed the gifts under the tree. We stuffed stockings. I took bites out of San'ta cookies and drank the milk. My husband spit carrots onto the front lawn and laid the reindeer water dish out as well. I took ash from the fire and sprinkled it in front of the fireplace. Yes, Santa has come. I wonder how long we will put up this charade. I think it's funny. When the kids are home from college, I will still be laying out cookies for Santa. :)

We went to bed and of course my 9 year old was up at 4:15 am. Dear Lord. "It's Christmas - can we open our present?" In my head I said: Oh-hell-to-the-no. But instead I said, "Go lay down and we can get up at 6:30." She didn't go to bed. She played on the ipad, she circled back around and said she needed a snack. She played and was anxious. My 7 year old was up at 6 am and my husband shoved me so finally we got up at 6:08.

The kids opened their gifts and were excited. They seemed to have liked everything. My daughter thought the Target doll was an American Girl doll so that made me happy. We had a big breakfast and then spent most of the day cooking. My siblings and parents joined us for dinner and it was a wonderful time. I went to bed without cleaning up, I was so tired.

Fast forward to today. My house still is not recovered from Christmas Day. I am going to really double down and clean like a mad woman. The tree and decorations are still up which makes me feel weird. There is nothing sadder than a Christmas tree and decorations after Christmas. I will pack them up this weekend. I imagine they won't be packed away for long. Each year goes by faster and faster - it will be Christmas again before I know it and I'll be wonder how the heck it got to be December again already. And so it goes.

Our Adventures

         
I have been MIA for a while. It is such a busy time of year. Between work, the end of the kid's semester, wrapping and decorating and everything else - the time has just sped by. It's Christmas Eve already and I still can't believe it. It doesn't feel like it should be here this quickly. But ready or not, Santa is coming tonight.

We spent this past weekend away in Helen, GA which was so nice. Helen is this little German-inspired village in the mountains of Georgia.



 I became a little obsessed with Germany after we ate at a German restaurant at Disney so I was soooo excited to go. It's like the poor man's Germany. Originally, we just planned on just taking the kids but it turned into a family vacation with my siblings and mother renting a cabin. We got there after dark on Friday. We turned off the main road to this tiny dirt road in the middle of the woods. It was straight up and it looked like we were going into a tunnel. My 7 year old was freaked out and crying. "This is a scary place. I don't want to die." Which made me laugh. Bad Mom Award. We drove to the very top of the hill. I was surprised any car could make it up, it was so steep. But we made it! We had dinner and relaxed and settled into bed.

Unfortunately, the weather called for rain ALL weekend. I was a little disappointed but we never let the rain spoil our fun. The next morning we went to the hardware store and got ponchos and braved the rain. We decided that we wanted to take a carriage ride. My mom arranged for the ride while we got hot chocolate for the kiddos. This carriage ride was a comedy of errors. It was a 9 seater carriage but the driver said he could fit all of us on. Eight adults (5 of whom are 6 + feet tall) and 4 kids aged 9,7, 4,1 and a baby. We looked like we were in a clown car. Legs were hanging over each other, kids were on laps.... We looked so silly. It was a riot. Then the horse's harness broke half way through the ride and the driver turned around and asked, "Are there any handy men in there?" haha. What the hell? So my brother gets out and tries to fix the harness, then my mom gets out and tries to fix the harness. Finally, we just decided to just get out and explore from there. It was an adventure.

We went to this supermarket that was cool and old fashioned and had all kinds of imported German stuff. We went to Charlemagne's Kingdom which was this huge model railroad thing.
 
It was really cool, but very weird. The guy that put it together was this 80 year old man from Germany, with sparkling blue eyes and a very  good sense of humor. It really was amazing detail. There were hot air balloons that moved. Whole towns, with people, farms and amusement parks. There was a bungee jumper on the bridge. There was a lot of tragedy too - car accidents, a hot air balloon crashed into the side of the mountain, a house on fire. There was random stuff hanging on the wall. A lot of flags but then a puzzle of the Statue of Liberty thumb tacked to the wall. It was weird.

We had lunch at a German restaurant. Brats and saurkraut, yum! It was so kitschy and touristy - I loved it! We went back to the cabin and the kids insisted that I join them in the hot tub. It wasn't warming up very well, so it was only 90 degrees. It was like bathwater. But it was huge so the kids swam in it. It was on the second floor balcony, over looking the mountains, so the view made up for the fact that the hot tub was like bath water.

The next day poured even harder than the first, so we went to the Bear Park and fed apples to bears which was very weird and fascinating. The bear stood on his hind legs and I-sh*t-you-not - waved to us. The kids were amused. Then we walked next door to the Hansel and Gretel candy shop. Everything looked so good. The kids kept asking - mom, can I get this? Do you know what I said? I said, "Yes, get anything you want. Get it all." I was thinking I was in the Willy Wonka movie. We got truffles and peanut butter cups and gummies and peanut brittle and jelly beans and chocolate covered pretzels.... I spent $50 at the candy store. It was out of control. That night we ate at this German restaurant that was sooo yummy. Our table overlooked the Chattahoochee and was so pretty. My 7 year old was adventurous and had schnitzel. We had a feast of German food. Brats, knockwurst, schnitzel, sauerkraut, cabbage, noodles.... For dessert we had apple strudel that was flown in from Munich. Literally, to die for. We left happy and full.

Of course, the day we had to leave - the sun finally came out. After we left the cabin we took the girls to Anna Ruby Falls. I had never seen a real waterfall before, so I was very excited. My brother and sister and her family came along. We drove up this mountain and then needed to hike half a mile to the falls. As soon as we got out of the car we could hear the whoosh of water running over the rock. We paid for tickets and made the hike. It was one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. Even the kids were in awe. They were like, "Mom, look at this - take a picture." The weather was perfect. It wasn't warm and it wasn't cold. They are a slight chill in the air that was perfect. It literally was the perfect day. The trail was next to the water and the forest towered above us. The trail was steep but the kids didn't complain once. We finally made it to the top and it was so much more magnificent then I imagined it to be. The kids stood at the edge of the platform and the mist from the falls splashed their faces. It was absolutely incredible. I am so glad that we decided to make the stop before we headed home. I will remember it always.
                     
               
Then we made our way back home. Not before stopping at the German-inspired Wendy's for lunch. It was a 4.5 hour ride and we had planned to have dinner and go to the Christmas light show when we got home. It was 6 by the time we arrived. I was so tired so I didn't cook dinner. Instead, I let the kids eat bowls of Fruity Pebbles for dinner. Bad Mom Award. It was pouring rain when we got home and my husband was feeling kind of iffy about the light show. I was insistent, "We can't let rain ruin our time, it's a TRADITION!" I checked the weather on James Island and it looked like the rain we were having wouldn't make it to that area for an hour and a half. We told the kids to get in their jammies because we had to go NOW to beat the traffic. It's a popular event and we always wait at least an hour in line to get it.

We sang Christmas carols all the way there and were shocked to discover that the rain kept everyone away. We literally drove right in - which NEVER, in the 7 years we have done the lights, has happened. It wasn't even raining. The lights were magnificent.


The light display is amazing. Is always ranked in the top 10 in the US and never, ever disappoints. They had a few new ones this year, which was cool. As a bonus, there were such few people there that we went through twice.

We came home and lit a fire and watched a movie together. My husband and I feel asleep in the middle of the movie. Somehow, I wound up asleep in the middle of the living room floor. haha. When it was over I tried to wake my husband, but he was out for the count. So I left him on the couch. I told the girls they could climb into bed with me, which was a special treat. They were excited. I don't think I have many years left of that.

They each put a head on one of my shoulders. My 7 year old said, "Tomorrow is almost Christmas. Santa will come." My 9 year old said, "Yeah, and we can celebrate Jesus' birthday." Her sister replied, "That's my favorite. Night, mama." We fell asleep like that. A deep, wonderful sleep. It was just an amazing few days.

Well, the kids are up now. Breakfast must be served, the house cleaned, Santa tracked and cookies to bake. Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Christmastime is Here

                        

Christmastime is here again. We are in the full swing of things. This weekend was especially busy. We are going for a fun weekend away to the Georgia mountains this coming weekend so this past weekend was our last chance to really get everything taken care of. The kid's gifts have been taken care of for quite a few weeks. They only get 4 things so this year my oldest is getting a pink guitar, an outfit, books and legos. She was so cute - she said, "I know they are kind of for boys, but I would really like to have some Legos." I got all feminist on her and said 'NO - they are NOT for boys. You ask for Legos if you want them." My little one is getting a keyboard on a stand, an outfit, some books, and a doll. She wanted an American Girl doll but there is no way in Hades that I am paying $100 for a doll. Maybe if it was just the doll and not the keyboard but the keyboard was over a hundred and I am not made of money. I got her an Our Generation doll from Target. If she gets upset, I'll just tell her it's American girl doll's cousin. Bad Mom Award. Then this week, my 9 year old decided she wants Beanie Babies. What does she think this is 1995? Sorry, the presents have been purchased. It will be what it will be.

Every year we give the kids money to buy gifts for each other and gifts for us. We gave them each $25 and split up. My 9 year old went with me got her sister a One Direction poster and some jewelry from Claires. My 7 year old went with my husband and got her sister this super cute belted dress and silver sequins purse from Dilliards. She did good, shopping the sale racks. I taught her well. They were so excited to come home and wrap their gifts.

I was telling them that when I was a kid, they did Santa's Secret Shop at school and my parents would give us like $2 to buy gifts for the family. They would set up these tables behind the stage and they would have gifts you could buy. There was a 25 cent section all the way up to $20.00. I have to stretch my money so I went for the cheaper gifts. I remember buying my dad this ceramic owl figurine that was an inch high and he acted so excited to when he opened it on Christmas day. That must have been so hard to do. We were laughing just thinking about it. I purchased a tiny plastic snow globe one year. It's the thought that counts.

After our shopping and wrapping we were tuckered out. We had a nice dinner and watched a Christmas Carol by the fire. It's one of our favorites. The 1984 version. It's such a great move. George C. Scott is such a great actor. The kids just love it. My husband and I find it amusing when the ghost of Christmas present tells Scrooge to look beneath his robe. We giggle like middle schoolers. We are very sophomoric. That's why we get along so well. We joke about it throughout the year. Sometimes I wrap the kids up in my bathrobe and say in a booming voice, "Look here, beneath my robe." We laugh and laugh.

It was a wonderful night, all of us curled on the couch watching the movie. We ate ice cream, the fireplace crackled, the lights of the tree dimly lit the room. I reminded me of why this is my favorite time of year.

Turn Off the Lights

                

Everything is expensive. I hate it. I had it last week. I got the electric bill and it was way more than it needs to be. So I have been on this crusade to lower the electric bill. Which my family is not so excited about. I am going around turning lights off and reminding everyone to do the same. The other night my daughter left the bathroom light on ALL NIGHT LONG. I said to her, "Do you think electricity is free?" She shrugged her shoulders, "Well, it's free to me." I had to restrain myself. She's got a smart mouth for a 9 year old. She's lucky I don't turn off the breaker. Then my husband purchased an XBOX One that he said was only $500 but somehow magically turned into $700 dollars. We are a cash only family so we need to be a little more diligent. I finally decided that we need to re-evaluate the money situation. We needed to have a come to Jesus, because I want to invest more and go on family vacations instead of sending all our money to the electric company and Publix, which is where it's going.

So we sat down to re-do the budget and re-group. My 7 year old asked if she could help. I said sure. So she ran and got her notebook and proceeded to sit right in between my husband and myself. "Okay, I'm ready." "Can you sit next to me, so your dad and I can go over some things?" She thought for a minute. "No, I'm helping." Grrrrr. So she has her note pad and I have mine and we are discussing the necessities. Periodically, my daughter puts in her opinion about the budget. "Don't forget my hospital bill. It's going to be a BIG one. I'll write that down." We haven't gotten that bill yet. I'm frightened. Put it on the list. My daughter was excited and gave me her finished product.

Seems legit at first. I like how she spells electricity, "lektrisity" and insurance is "inchrince". haha. As you go down you will notice that tooth paste is a line item on the budget, as well as a chairs, caps, a swimming pool, plates and pen pals. Whatever. She put them in groups from most important to least important. At least she has priories. 

So we will do better this year. Hopefully turn out the damn lights every once and a while. At least I'm not spending money on Diet Coke anymore. 

Withdrawal

               

I've been having a rough couple of days. I am withdrawing from a serious diet coke addiction. I have a serious problem. It started off innocently enough. I used to drink an occasional soda. When I went out to eat,  sometimes to treat myself at work in the afternoon. I mostly drank water. Then about 18 months ago, I wanted to lose some weight so I switched to Diet Coke. I found myself drinking it more and more. I only like fountain soda so it's not been as out of control as it could be but it was bad. I realized how bad it was earlier this week. I dropped the kids off at school at 7:30 and went to McDonalds and got a 16 oz cup of Diet Coke. It felt so good but by 10 am, my body was craving more - a headache had started to set in. I stopped at a gas station and got another 16 oz of Diet Coke. I has 2 at lunch. A can in the afternoon and another 2 at dinner. This is what my life is like most of the time. I calculated it and I easily drink 60 oz of diet coke a day- 80-90 oz if I am traveling, which I am a lot. It's a shocking amount. It was shocking to me. I am like a drug addict with the Diet Coke. I need it. I am always looking for my next hit. So on Wednesday morning, I woke up and first thing in the morning, I think of how much I would love a diet coke. I decided that this needed to stop. I decided I would quit cold turkey. I am out of control. I have an unhealthy relationship with diet coke.

The first day was horrible. The bad headache set in quickly. I was drinking water and took some ibuprofen. I had some unsweet tea at noon. I had a long drive home that evening and I felt like I was in hell. My head was pounding, my arms were like jelly. I got home late and crashed. I don't remember saying hello to my husband. The next morning was still bad, I felt exhausted, the headache was still present and I was just not well.

I got the kids up and fed them breakfast and got ready to get them to school. My husband kissed me good-bye and looked at me funny and said, "Are you taking the kids to school in your robe?" I looked at him indignantly. "Yes. Yes I am. I don't care. Do you know how many sh*ts I give right now? Zero, that's how many." I leaned in close and said, "And you know what else? I am not wearing any pants either." I walked to the car in my slippers and bathrobe and I loved every minute of it. I was just dropping them off at the curb. No one can see what I'm wearing. If they asked, I'd just tell them I was wearing a wrap dress.

I made it through the day, which seemed to drag on forever. I am on day 3 of no Diet Coke now and even though I still have a splitting headache, the fog is starting to lift a bit. I feel less-jelly like. I've had a ton of work to do and with not feeling well, I've been letting the kids do their own thing. This has not been a good thing at all. I was working at the computer this afternoon. Trying to think straight with my head pounding. I hear the mail man come and I peek out the window and I see my 7 year old with I pile of cards. "What are you doing?" She smiled at me, "Look at all the cards we got, mama." She took the outgoing mail out of the mailbox which included 40 Christmas Cards and 10 party invites." I grabbed them from her and ran down the mailman as he was driving away, "Wait, wait - I need to send out something." I was out of breath and apologized profusely. If you get a card from me with foot print marks on it,  it's because they were sprawled all over my driveway. Sorry.

As I walked back to the house I saw a bag on the chair. "Are you eating the tortilla chips and sharing them with the neighborhood kids?" She nodded, "Yeah, they're good." I picked the bag up which now consisted of crumbs. We were going to have black bean nachos for dinner, but not anymore. I would go out to eat but it's not worth it because nothing tastes good without Diet Coke. I can do this...I can do this...I can do this....

I Hate Shopping

                    
I hate to shop. I just don't like it. I don't like to part with my money. I'm cheap....always have been, always will be. Sometimes, however, I have to spend money. I need some new clothes. My clothes are two extremes. I only own business clothes and sweat pants. Which works out fine most of the time. Except for this weekend when I went to go to the grocery store. I put on a skirt and a blouse and sweater and a scarf. My husband was like, "Why are you dressed up?" "Because this is all I own." I decided I need at least 2 pair of jeans and some casual tops. I also need a new dress for my husband's Christmas dinner for work. So I decided I would go shopping this week.

Yesterday evening I decided to go to Goodwill and see what I could find. I'm cheap, don't judge me. I found some cute stuff and filled up my cart and went to try the stuff on. The dressing room was horrible. The florescent lights and mirror were so unflattering. I was traumatized by it. Somebody needed to bring me some carrot sticks to dip in all that cottage cheese. I pulled on top after top, skirts and dresses and it all looked horrible on me. I hated it. I did find 2 pairs of jeans that were cute and didn't need hemming and a dress but no tops. I was horribly disappointed and the Goodwill lady looked at me like she wanted to murder me when she saw me hang up all the stuff I wasn't going to buy. I walked out feeling dejected. I would have to go to a REAL store to buy some tops and a dress for the dinner.

So this evening I went to the mall. I never go to the mall. Maybe a handful of times a year or less. I figured that I could hit up Claires and Bath and Body Works to get some stocking stuffers for the girls while I was there. I went from department store to department store, browsing. I was shocked about how much I hated all the clothes. They were just hideous and expensive. I feel like I am at a weird age because the women's section was all clothes for 60 year olds but I'm too old for the juniors section. I have no idea what kind of clothes I like because I own no casual clothes. It was painful. Some of it was just so expensive. I was amazed by it. Who has $60 for a sweater? I thought everyone was broke and we are in a bad economy. Apparently not, if $60 sweaters are flying off the shelf. I walked past the perfume section and smelled all the perfumes I will never buy. I especially enjoyed Katy Perry's Killer Queen fragrance. I need to find an imitation perfume for that one, I thought to myself. Cheap.

I visited Gap and was bored. I went to the Loft and was not impressed. I visited them all. I brought a turtleneck at Sears. It's boring but I was getting desperate. I decided to take a break from clothes shopping and get my stocking stuffers. Claires had Buy 1, Get 1 Half Off on all One Direction merchandise. I was so excited because my 7 year old is really into One Direction right now. I got her a One Direction necklace and pillowcase. She is going to lose it. I don't know how she found out about One Direction but she really likes Harry Styles. I tease her and say "No way, Harry is my boyfriend." She gets so mad, "Mom, you are too old for Harry." "No I'm not, he's 19. He's a grown up." My husband rolls his eyes at me. "Whatever- that kid would never survive the zombie apocalypse." I did find myself singing along to "Best Song Ever" in the car alone the other day. I was ashamed about it. I will restrain myself from stealing my daughter's One Direction necklace. I got some clip on earrings and nail polish. I went to Bath and Body Works and got them some body spray and hand sanitizer. I ate some disgusting food in the mall food court and then I went to find a dress for the upcoming dinner.

I had an idea of what I wanted in my head. I wanted something sexy but classy. Something knee length, not too tight but form fitting. Either off the shoulder or a plunging neckline. I can get away with a plunging neckline without looking skanky because I don't have anything to hang out. So sad. When I'm out with my husband I want to look really nice, especially around people he knows. I don't want them to think, "He has to go home to that beast? No wonder he works late all the time." I just want to look a little nicer than usual. No luck. I didn't find anything cute or reasonable. All the dresses were either too short or too matronly. I was so annoyed. So I left the mall disappointed and then I went back to my hotel and pulled on a pair of sweatpants and I thought to myself, Why can't I just wear sweat pants everywhere? That I would love. If we could work on making sweatpants mainstream and acceptable, I'm in.

Eyebrow Problems

                    
Earlier this week, when we were living in the hospital, my 9 year old looked a little tired, so I let her curl up into my lap. It looked kind of ridiculous, because I was holding her top half like a baby and her long legs were having over the chair onto the adjoining couch. She is never that close to me anymore and as I looked down at her, I brushed her hair behind her ears and I noticed something different about her. Something you couldn't really notice unless you were close up. "Did you shave your eyebrows?" Her eyes got really big - and she just looked at me and said nothing. "You shaved off the ends of your eyebrows!" She smiled shyly. "And this middle part, and this part here." I looked at them closely, she did a halfway decent job. I examined her closely. "And you shaved your upper lip too?"

I remained calm and thought in my head of what I was going to say and how this conversation would go. I probed. "So, tell me about why you wanted to shave your eyebrows and your upper lip." She shrugged her shoulders. "It's okay, I'm not mad." She unloaded. "Well, one time dad said that I have the same eyebrows as him and his eyebrows are bushy and I don't want to have bushy eyebrows AND my friend said that I have a mustache." I had to restrain my laughter a bit because I thought the whole thing was very silly, although I know it was not silly to her. I pondered how I would respond to this. I mean, a piece of me was very upset - she's 9, she should be climbing trees, not worrying about whether or not she has bushy eyebrows. Another part of me can remember being self-conscious at that age and feeling in-between and relating to that. "Well, I think you were perfect just the way you were. I think you are beautiful but if it REALLY bothers you, I can help you keep your eyebrows clean and we can take care of the fuzz on your upper lip." "Really?" I shrugged my shoulders, "Sure, just promise not to shave them again." "Promise."

So, that happened. The feminist in me is mad at myself and thinks that I should have just told her that she doesn't need to conform to some made-up standard of beauty and should just ride her bike not care at all. But she does see me do keep up my eye brows and my upper lip so of course these are things I don't like about my own appearance and that probably sends a bad message.

I think she's gorgeous. But she's my child and kids are her age are skeptical and take things with a grain of salt. I remember being in middle school and my parents telling me I was beautiful and thinking, I'm your kid - of course you think that, you are obligated to. I just want some of the boys to think that, I don't care about your opinion. I recall that exact thought. I am sensitive to the fact that my opinion doesn't hold much water in that department, although it is true. :)

I'm going to win the bad mom award and I am going to teach her how to tweeze her eyebrows. Just the space between them and a little on the top and the bottom. I want them to still be kid-like but enough that she's not self conscious about it. We'll Nair her upper lip. I don't want her to. I REALLY, REALLY don't. I know that I have to give a little bit. I feel like I need to be supportive and pick my battles. Besides, she might go and shave her eyebrows if I don't. I just feel like I need to be able to handle and be calm about the small things so that one day she can come to me about the big things.

I am starting to see that my role is changing with her and it is becoming more and more apparent by the day. That the first half was focused on keeping her alive. Keeping her fed and comfortable. Making sure she was secure and could perform basic tasks and instilling a sense of right and wrong. Teaching manners and empathy. But this second half will not be so easy. She is starting to understand how the world works. She is starting to realize that her parents are not perfect and have many flaws. Our job now seems like it will be helping her navigate through the trials and triumphs of this transformation from a child to a young adult. Trying to preserve her self-esteem and self worth. Making sure she can handle responsibility and autonomy but keeping her safe with appropriate boundaries at the same time. Truthfully, I am scared to death. I don't know if I am ready for this time - but ready or not here it comes. Starting with eyebrows. Next she'll want to shave her legs, then pierce her ears, then wear makeup, then dye her hair, then have a boyfriend. Ugggh - I don't like the second half so far. It's so awkward.

Be Thankful

     
Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. I love to food and being with family and giving thanks for the so many blessings that we have in our lives. This Thanksgiving will always live in our memories as one where we were reminded to be extra thankful.

My youngest daughter got really sick this week. It started on Sunday at dinner, she was complaining that her belly hurt. I told her to eat some dinner, that she was probably hungry and then she would feel better. She barely ate two bites but was not terribly uncomfortable. We went to church afterwards, and then came back and she took a shower and went to bed. She woke up a few hours later with horrible stomach pain. Oh no, I thought, We've got the stomach bug. She was up all night tossing and turning, punctuated with 15 minutes of sleep. I was rubbing her belly, she took some hot showers, I was trying to get her to eat or drink. Still the vomiting and diarrhea never came. She finally settled into sleep at 5am. I felt like a zombie. I got up and helped get my 9 year old ready for school and emailed my little one's teacher that she would be home. I had a ton of work to do so I fixed a cup of coffee and pulled out my laptop started early. My daughter was not asleep long, however. I got her up - fixed her some food, which she ate a fair amount of. She laid on the couch and took cat naps for the next few hours. She would wake up with stomach pain and being the bad mom that I am told her to go sit on the toilet. Around lunch time, she was getting very uncomfortable. Still no vomiting, still no diarrhea, and no fever. I thought that maybe she had a UTI. I decided I would take her to the doctor. They would prescribe us something and we would be on our way. I called the pediatrician who couldn't see her until 4 pm so I just took her to urgent care.

When we get there, they check us in, told me I owed them a few hundred dollars from the last visit that I had to pay, and then brought her back. Did a urine test. The doctor came in and examined her and said her urine looked good and if it was his daughter, he would take her to the children's hospital downtown for an ultrasound. He told me he'd call ahead that I was coming. I felt terrible because the whole time I was like, "Yeah, you're not that sick. Go poop." Bad Mom Award.

So we get down to the ER there, they take her back and examine her and they want to run a few tests and take some blood work. She was still very uncomfortable but not in severe pain like before, so that was good. They put on a movie for her and they have dog therapy there so a dog came to visit her and she pet the dog and that cheered her up a bit. She was just not well. She just laid in bed like a puddle. So after an ultrasound and x-ray and blood work, they ruled out life threatening illnesses that could be causing the abdominal pain. They gave directions for managing her at home and told us to follow up with the pediatrician in the morning. We were walking out 6 hours later. Well, I was carrying her out. She was funny because when we left the hospital it was dark and exasperated she said, "Mama, I wasted my whole day!" When we got home we fixed her food that she only ate 3 bites of, even though she was complaining that she was hungry. She took a hot shower and went to bed. That didn't last long. We had another night of tossing and turning and belly rubbing and getting up for hot showers. First thing in the morning, I made an appointment with the pediatrician and on we went.

At the office, she was miserable. When the pediatrician came in she was laying on the exam table with her knees pulled to her chest. She was rocking and moaning in pain and she looked exhausted. I was becoming more and more distressed because nothing was helping. The OTC medicine was doing nothing for her. The pediatrician looked disturbed and she examined her and left the room abruptly. My baby crawled into my lap and just laid silently. The doctor came back in and said that she was sending us back to the hospital, to which my 7 year old responded unhappily, "But that's going to waste my whole day!" As if she had other plans, like she was going to go riding bikes in the condition that she was in.

So off we went again. They were expecting us and took her right back. We saw another doctor and she talked about what they had done the day before and what their thoughts were about what could be causing her belly pain. Which was  - We really don't know. Which is always less than reassuring. A little while later the doctor came back in and asked, "Does your daughter have high blood pressure?" Ummm....no, she is a 45 pound 7 year. "Her blood pressure is really high. We are going to take it when she is feeling comfortable to make sure that the reading earlier was correct." So they came in and took her blood pressure in both arms and legs with the machine. It was in the 130s over 90s every time. Then they came in and took it manually. This was the only part of the visit my daughter enjoyed. She LOVES having her blood pressure taken. Every time we are at Publix or a pharmacy she makes me take her to the BP machine and she sits on the bench and pushes the button and she sits there while it does it's thing. It's meant for adults, but she doesn't care. She loves it. A few weeks ago Publix got a new machine and you have to pay .50 now to use it. She was PISSED. She stood in front of the machine with a look of disbelief and then turned to me with her hand on her hip and said, "Mom, these people are greedy!"

They did an EKG after taking her blood pressure a million times. A little while later the doctor came in and told us that they were going to admit her to the children's hospital because her blood pressure was so high, even when she was comfortable and they didn't feel comfortable sending her home without figuring out what was causing it. Plus, they were going to try to manage her pain. So I called my husband and told him to pack overnight bags and head to the hospital. My younger sister showed up and when my husband and daughter arrived, she took my 9 year old back to the house so my husband and I could both stay. We were so thankful for that.

They moved us into her room in the children's hospital and my little one was just exhausted and was so bummed to have to stay there. You could see it in her eyes. She asked to take a hot bath, she was still having some belly pain. I wrapped her IV and filled up the tub and she floated in there. I sat next to the tub and gently pulled her leads off and rubbed the goo from her tummy and chest. She spoke to me quietly. "Mama, I am so sad because I did not go to school and I missed art and now I won't see my teacher for a whole week. I want to go home." So we talked about why she had to be there. We got her PJs on and got her into bed. We endured another rough night. They didn't want to give her narcotics because they can cause constipation and she already had belly pain but the medicine they gave was not helping. Finally they have her something that made her belly pain decrease and she slept for a bit. They came in and took her blood pressure while she was sleeping and it was still very high.

The next morning the doctor came in and I was on day 3 of no sleep. I had a mini-breakdown and begged him to make her comfortable. They were concerned about her kidneys because of her high blood pressure so they did an ultrasound to look at her kidneys, arteries, and aorta. They did an echo. I have seen all of her internal organs this week. They all were fine. Thank goodness. The medicine they were giving was really helping her stomach pain and for the first time in days, she told me she wanted to play. There is a place in the children's hospital that is like a huge game room and it's open at different hours throughout the day, so I took her there. There were easels and a craft table, air hockey and pool, a library, dolls houses and toys. For the first time in days she smiled. She hated having her IV wheeled around with her but most of the other kids there had IVs too. There were kids that were really sick. Kids with cancer. Worried, tired parents. It broke your heart. She painted and played with the dollhouse and we read stories. They let you check out board games, books, toys and movies to your room so she was happy about that.

We went back to the room and we were hoping since her pain was gone they might discharge us in the evening but even though she had no pain, her BP was still really high. The doctor told us he was going to start her on blood pressure meds but they wanted to monitor her BP over night. She was so devastated, "But tomorrow is Thanksgiving." He told her that he would try to have her home in time for turkey. We decided that I would stay the night and my husband would go home with our older daughter. They unhooked my baby's IV and were going to let her take everything by mouth. She was glad about that. She ate dinner and took a shower and then we went back to the game room for a while. While we were playing, my dad showed up unexpectedly and that made her so happy. She played and visited for a while and we shut the place down. They were closing up for the night and she picked another movie. We headed back and after my father left we settled in and she fell right asleep. The soundest sleep she's had for quite a few days. I made my bed on the couch next to her and fell asleep. I was awaken a short while later to a hand rubbing my face. I opened my eyes and there was my little one standing in front of me. "Mama, will you come lay with me and make me feel safe?" So we curled up together in her little hospital bed and slept like logs. They came in and took her blood pressure over night and it was returning to normal. The medicine was working. I was so glad.

The next morning we had breakfast and watched the Thanksgiving Day parade. My husband and 9 year old came and we they said we could go home. We left the hospital around noon. When we walked out it was so chilly but the sun on my face and fresh air felt so good. My little one was happy. A few hours later we were with my sisters enjoying a delicious Thanksgiving feast. I was thankful for so many things. But most of all, the children.

Throwing Mom Under the Bus

                   
I came home from work Thursday and sat down with the kids and we chatted until it has time to do homework. My 9 year old had to write a narrative and I had to proof read it. She has this book for school and the teacher gives them a subject to write on and they write an experience that happened to them. Well the subject given for this assignment was to tell about a time there were scared. I opened the composition book and see the title, "Halloween in the Swamp." NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The haunted trail strikes again.

So I proofed this story and it talked about how her mom took her to the haunted swamp and how she felt like a "victim" - yeah, she said victim. How her sister screamed, "I think we're going to die." Overall, how traumatizing it was. I was reading it thinking that her teacher is going to think I am the absolute worst mom ever. So then I started reading other entries in this journal. It started off about her life and she wrote about how much she loves her mom and dad and there are stories about the summer and stories about the fun things we do, about her friends. Peppered in are some stories that feature our questionable parenting. Like how we didn't realize her hampster was dead for two days and how he died inside his tube and was bloated and couldn't be removed and so had to be disposed of inside the tube. Horrible. Then she did another story about being scared  - the time when she watched the Conjuring trailer with my husband. Just the trailer. Then she wrote, "I have watched a lot of horror movies." Holy hell - her teacher is going to think we are inappropriate axe wielding maniacs. She's going to think I let my kids watch Texas Chainsaw massacre and Saw and Jason. Or worse, IT. I confronted her on that one. "What do you mean you've watched a lot of horror movies,- you have not." She was insistent. "Yes I have." So I had her name them. "Carrie, Sleepy Hollow, Signs, Adams Family, Little Shop of Horrors, Killer Klowns from Outer Space....." I didn't tell her that her list of "horror" movies was slightly lame.

No conversation is complete without the commentary of my 7 year old - she rolled her eyes, "Killer Klowns from Outer Space is not scary. I love that movie." She really does, she's a weirdo. "Mama, I like that movie but I hate clowns. They are creepy. I really hate the McDonald's clown. He's creepy and he might kidnap children." Ronald McDonald - kidnapping kids since 1954.

Get a Job

                             
Kids are expensive. There is no way around it. They need to be fed and clothed. They need to participate in things. They are just expensive. Which would be okay, if they were a little considerate about it. But their not. They pretty much do not care. I was so tired of it this weekend. I had enough.

My 9 year old daughter had to sing at this community event on Saturday and a note came home from the teacher that said the kids needed to wear jeans, and a red,white and blue top. We were getting ready and she walks out in black tights and a red, white and blue top. I said, "Your teacher said that you have to wear jeans." "I don't have jeans." We both knew damn well that she has jeans. "You have like, 20 pairs of jeans." "No I don't." So I went into her room and I counted them. She has 9 pairs of jeans. Which is really, ridiculous. No one needs that many jeans. I don't know how or why she has so many. "I hate them all." "Why?" "They are loose around the waist." "You are skinny, wear a belt." So she put on these jeans and put on a belt and she looked fantastic. She didn't smile at all, she glared at me. "Don't look at me," she spewed. Whatever. I am not going out to buy new jeans just because you don't like to wear a belt.

And then there is the lights. It is a constant struggle to get the kids to turn the lights off. It was Saturday evening and I was in bed and my 9 year old went in her room. I yelled to her, "Turn your light off..." I work up in the morning and that light was on ALL.NIGHT.LONG. What the heck. I said to her, "What do you think? Electricity is free?" Do you know what she said to me? "It's free to me." What did you just say?
                                 
I'm going to start making the kids owe me a chore every time they leave the lights on.

Then there is the coats. I purchased new winter coats for the kids last year. They still look great. They still fit. They are clean and in style and my kids refuse to wear them. They wanted peacoats. AHHHHH. I am tired of them always acting like they need new stuff. I was complaining to my husband and he was like, "You're right. You know the reason I brought those boots was because W told me she had no shoes." I shook my head. "Don't ever trust the kids when it comes to them wanting you to buy them something. They are liars."

Only 6 and 8 more years until they can get jobs - the countdown has commenced.

Dad of Girls

                                 
My poor, poor husband. He is surrounded by ladies. He's a great sport about it. He is such a good dad to girls. Which is surprising, because he didn't have sisters. Growing up, he lived in a house dominated by men.

But he is fully a dad to girls. He embraces it and does a good job. This was very apparent this week. On Monday, he came home and we sat down for dinner and we were chatting and he went of on this tangent. He pointed his finger at my 9 year old. "YOU -you need to not take your bra off in my car after school." That's her thing. As soon as you pick her up - the arms go in the sleeves and the bra comes off. She's my child. "Today, a co-worker and I decided to go out to lunch and I drove. And guess what? There was a kid bra on the floor of my passenger side and he was like 'Dude, why do you have this in here?' And then he looked at me like I was a weirdo. And I tried to explain that you take it off after school on the way home and then he looked at me like I was an even bigger weirdo. That explanation didn't help at all." We HOWLED with laughter. I could just picture the interaction in my head. I reassured him, "You would only be a weirdo if you had chocolate bars and missing puppy dog flyers to go along with it." He shook his head and then went on another tangent, "AND you guys need to stop leaving your shoes in my car. You forget about them and they bake and now my car smells horrible, like stinky feet. When I drove the guys up to Carowinds they probably thought I pooped my pants." We fell out with laughter a second time. "Honey, I think the moral of the story is to not offer to drive anyone anywhere." Yes, he has girls.

A few weeks ago he took the girls to get their haircut. It was Halloween costume crunch time so I stayed behind to finish. When the kids came home, my curly headed 7 year old had a perfectly straight bob. She always wants her hair to be straight so she was so happy. My husband said, "I was watching how they did it - it was so cool. She really likes it." "They blew it out with the hair dryer?" "Yes!" That night he went to the store to get something, but came back with a ceramic round brush. "Now you can do it for her." So I started blowing out her hair in the morning. One morning he said, "You need to show me how to do this, because I am going to need to be able to do it when you are away for work." He stood and watched me. Fast forward to yesterday morning, he brought the brush and hairdryer downstairs and I am watching him blow out her hair while I ate breakfast. It was so funny to watch - because my husband is a big, burly guy. He is not effeminate at all. He was in his slacks and button up shirt and he is leaned over our little second grader, blowing out her hair. He turned the brush with a quick flick of the wrist while moving the hairdryer back and forth. "Cover your ears, so they don't get hot." Her hands went up and he continued to finish. Afterwards, he set down the hairdryer and the brush and had her face him. He surveyed his work. Made some adjustments with the brush. "It's perfect." The both came to the table to eat and I was grinning at him. "I never knew that you had another career planned as a hair dresser." He scowled, "Shut up, it makes her happy."

He has girls and they have him wrapped around his finger. I saw this yet again this week. I came home from a work trip and as soon as I stepped through the door, my little one jumped into me. "Guess what daddy brought me, mama?" He always gets the girls something when I am away. Which would be okay if it wasn't always so damn expensive. She ran off and came back holding a pair of boots. These boots:
                             
Wow - they are a little much for me. They are white- which is a terrible idea for shoes for a 7 year old. They look like they need blades on the bottom of them for the icecapades. I went to my husband and said, "What's up with the Russian hooker boots?" He smiled, "They aren't hooker boots. Look, they're cute. She fell in love with them. She gave me big eyes. I had to buy them." It's no wonder they prefer their father to me. He is such a sucker for their manipulative ways. They are daddy's girls and I don't think he would want it any other way.

Be All That You Can Be

                                        
Yesterday was Veteran's Day. The morning was typical but on the way to school my 4th grader asked about all the veterans we knew. We were making a list. All of my brothers, my grandfather, friends, and of course my husband. My daughter said, "Tell us about when dad was in the ARMY." I forget that the kids don't realize what that even means, that he was in the military. We don't talk about it very often. I love to reminisce, that's my favorite thing. So I regaled them with funny stories about when their dad was in the Army.

I didn't grow up around the military. I didn't even know anyone who was in the military besides my grandfather who was in the Korean War which seemed like it was 200 years ago. When I got married, I was a little girl from New Jersey. I was a 95 pound, 18 year old, baby faced girl who moved to this Army Fort in Oklahoma. It was like a different world. We lived in this 350 square foot apartment off base. A few days after we moved in I kept hearing this BOOM, BOOM, BOOM and the whole place would shake. You could hear the window panes shaking. "What the hell was that?" My husband was not fazed at all, "It's just artillery." Where we were stationed is where this did all of the artillery training so it constantly sounded like we were being bombed. You could hear artillery at all hours of the day and night. It just became part of the background noise eventually.

The first time I went on base alone was a disaster. I was trying to find the commissary but made a wrong turn. I wound up in this dirt road and came across a sign that basically said, DANGER- if you go past this point you may be killed by artillery. I was scared. Very afraid. I turned our 1995 electric blue Cutlass Supreme around as fast as I could. I also discovered Howitzer Crossing street signs. I never realized that tanks required street signs before my husband was in the Army. We had a kevlar closet back then as well. A space in our tiny apartment dedicated to his kevlar helmet, rucksack, canteen and anything else he would need if he was deployed. He would sit and shine his boots in the evening while he watcedh television and I did school work. That's what our life was. It was this whole culture that I never knew existed.

Then we talked about the war. In a way that they could understand. I told them that we have been involved in war since before they were even born. I remember the day so vividly when the US invaded the middle east. I was in college and there had been rumblings about military involvement for a few months. Everyone at the university was linked to the military somehow - through parents or spouses. Some of the units had been gearing up for deployment. It was a sunny day in March and I was coming from class and went into the student union. There was not the usual hustle and bustle. I walked through and in the corner of the main area there were a few students gathered around the television, watching the invasion. I joined them, and as the minutes passed - more and more students did as well. Soon, there was a crowd of us - gathered around this small TV and no one said a word. It was completely silent, except for the booms coming from the television. It affected all of us personally. I could feel my heart drop into my stomach.

That night we laid in bed and I was asking my husband a million different questions and he was trying to reassure me that his unit was not going to deploy and that his MOS was not one that would be on the front line but that it is always a possibility. I said to him, "But what if they make you go?" He didn't hesitate, "Then I would go." "But you could die." I'm subtle. "I know that." "So, you're okay with that?" He looked at me as if I didn't understand. "That's what I signed up for." I saw him differently then. I was angry at him in a way. That he could just accept that he could be sent overseas to war. I knew that he was stronger and braver and a much better, more noble person than I could ever be. All service members are.

We were lucky and he never was deployed. He spent all of time in the Army in Oklahoma. The day he left the military, he was so excited. He was ready not to have to shine his boots everyday. He had to sign out of the ARMY at midnight.  But only after a week of taking the tour of Fort Sill for out processing, to visit every area to have his paperwork signed off on and his kevlar returned, of course. He put on his dress greens and on we went. He went inside and signed his papers releasing him and the service member thanked him for his service. We walked out of the building and went to start the car and the car would not start. That damn Olds Cutlass. He called one his Army buddies and while we waited for him to come rescue us we turned on the radio. We danced under the stars that summer night. Cheek to cheek with my former soldier in his dress greens, next to our dead Oldsmobile. We were happier than ever.

The kids liked that story.

That night, I was making dinner and waiting for my husband to get home from work. My 7 year old walked in the kitchen and said, "Mama, where is my veteran?" "You mean your dad?" She smiled at me, "Yes, but he is my veteran today." So sweet. We love our veteran and all the veterans. Happy Belated Veteran's Day!

House Devils

                       

Yesterday morning was not good. It was not good at all. It started off okay. The kids woke up early, we were getting ready for school. All was well. Until 6:45 am when my 9 year old decided that she needed to take a shower. "Mom, I'm taking a shower." I looked at her like she was crazy, "We need to be WALKING out the door in 15 minutes." "I'll just we 2 minutes." She never is just 2 minutes. "No, get dressed. If you wanted to take a shower you should have done that half an hour ago." After those words left my mouth my daughter became possessed by a demon. She threw her hands in the air and shrieked at me, "Are you saying you want me be be dirty? Is that what you want? YOU want your own daughter to be the dirty kid at school?" I looked at her like she was crazy, "No, I want you to get to school on time. Get dressed. You need to be downstairs and ready for breakfast in 10 minutes." I went downstairs to make breakfast and what do you know? I hear the water on upstairs. Oh no she didn't. I went up the stairs and yelled through the door that she was a disrespectful child and that she better get out and get dressed now. I was PISSED at her. I told her clearly not to get in the shower. I went back downstairs to finish what I was doing and it's now 5 minutes before we have to leave and she still has not come downstairs. I go upstairs yet again and she is in her bedroom - with the door open - getting dressed. I pop my head in and said (not yelled), "We need to leave very soon, hurry up." She turned to me with a look of pure range and screamed, "CAN YOU GIVE ME SOME PRIVACY!?!?" Then she stomped over and slammed the door in my face. What.the.hell. I expected her to spit acid and her head to spin around. SHE was the one changing with the door open, that's not my fault. I decided that I was not going to argue with her and yell anymore. I didn't have it in me. I spoke through the crack of the door, "I am leaving in approximately 3 minutes - with or without you." Good. I would have left her and then her father would have to take her to school and she does not want his wrath. He'll give you a look alone that will scare the pants off of someone.

I was almost at the bottom step when I heard her at the top of the stairs - she was sobbing, "Don't leave me, mama. Please don't leave without me." "You have 3 minutes." What do you know after 3 minutes, she still wasn't ready to go. I was done. I began to walk out the door. "I'm leaving." I yelled up the stairs. She started down the stairs looking all angry and dejected. "I need to brush my hair." "You can brush it in the car." She gave me a dirty look. We got in the car and I was so glad because she was in the back seat and I didn't have to deal with her. She just kept running her mouth. "You are so mean. You never let me take a shower..." Wait...what? I turned up the radio. "No one talk the rest of the time."

I pulled through the loop and before the kids got out of the car, I turned to her and said, "I love you, I hope you have a good day and feel better." She locked eyes with mine and said nothing. Et tu?

I drove home and it was only 7:30 am and all I wanted to do was wrap myself in a blanket and drink a bottle of wine. But I didn't, I sat down at my desk to do some work. A little while later my phone rang, I didn't get to it in time. I checked my voicemail and it was the assistant principal at the the school. "Hello, Mrs. B - this is Mrs. T at the Elementary school. I have your daughter, C here in my office......" Oh my God. I thought that she must have had a nervous breakdown after I dropped her off at school. I felt panicked for a moment. The message continued, "She is here with us.....because she just won a High Five Award for excellent behavior. We give this award to children who are well behaved and always do what they are supposed to do. We are so proud of her and so glad to have her here at the school." I laughed out loud because it was ironic. I immediately felt bad for yelling at her. She does try hard, my sweet girl. I decided that I would bring her lunch as a peace offering.

When I was at the school, I ran into a lady that I am friends with who is a substitute teacher. She was waiting for the kids to get out of music class, so we chatted in the hall for a minute. "You have my little one today and you had my 4th grader yesterday." She smiled. "I have got to tell you that you have the most fantastic children. They are so sweet and well behaved." Then she said this - I swear to you, "If all children were as well-behaved and cooperative as yours, the world would be a better place." What? Who are this children? Are they replaced with aliens as soon as they walk through the school doors? I was gracious and thanked her and said that they are very sweet and we are very blessed.

I made my way to the cafeteria and she was sitting there with her friends. "I brought you a happy meal. I heard about your award. I'm proud of you for always being good at school. We need to work on the mornings." She smiled at me and nodded and she even hugged me - in front of her friends. Score for mom. "I love you, mama." I kissed her little head. I visited for a few minutes but had lots to do.

As I was walking out of the school, I ran into another acquaintance who was walking in with her 4th grade son. I have known this little boy since he was 4 years old, he was in preschool with my daughter. He's getting so darn big. His mother and I chatted for a moment. "Can you believe that I had to come pick him up? He wore cologne to school and his teacher is allergic. I had to take him home, bathe him and get him redressed." I turned to him, "You wore cologne? It must be important to smell good, huh?" He gave me a sheepish grin.

These 4th graders - they drive their parents crazy.

Fun at the Ren Faire

                                  
This past weekend we went to the Renaissance Fair. We had been planning the trip for a few months. We went to one 7 years ago when we lived in Indiana and were amazed at how funny and nerdy it was. We are kind of nerdy and the kids are at a good age to go so we planned a trip to Charlotte to the Ren Fair. It was supposed to be just us but when we were taking about it at family dinner my dad invited himself and then my 22 year old sister invited herself so it turned into a group event. We decided that if we were going to go - we were going to be nerdy so we all planned to dress up. I was in charge of the costumes. So funny. We left Saturday morning, my kids in their Halloween costumes, my husband and dad dressed like peasants, I was in a broomstick skirt and corset and my sister was a pirate wench. We were like a nerd caravan. Who cares? We were going to be 3 hours away - we wouldn't know anyone there.

I was so excited when we got there. It was amazing. The kids were in awe. It was a whole village in the middle of no where. Everywhere we turned, something magical was happening. There was a fairy, sitting on a rock, playing a wooden flute. There were fiddlers and acrobats and jugglers. There were people dressed up like kings and queens eating turkey legs. They had all kinds of rides and shows. We saw belly dancers and hypnotists. We saw jousting. We were entertained.

We sat down for a sword swallowing show. Oh my goodness. That was the most disgusting thing I have ever saw. It grossed me out. At the end this man swallowed a long balloon. I was completely horrified. The kids loved it. My sister turned to me and said, "He probably writes tips for Cosmo magazine."  She's so funny and inappropriate.

What do you know? We did run into friends of ours. So our dorkiness did not go unnoticed. Of course. We stayed until it closed and we had to walk through the workers to leave and they sang a song to us and we were like geek celebrities. We vowed to come again next year.

I booked us a hotel room since we were so far from home and when we checked in, they handed us the keys. We were on the top floor, 11 stories up. Uggh - I am so afraid of heights. Here was the view from the top:
                  
Holy hell. Of course when we got to the top my 7 year old wanted to stand at the railing and look down. I was walking against the wall like the Pink Panther. "Get away from there." She laughed at me. I hated it. We did have a beautiful view though. We looked out at all the beautiful foliage. It was picturesque.

We had drinks, got dinner and relaxed;  it was so nice. The next day we took the kids swimming in the hotel pool. Our eyes bled because the there was so much chlorine in the air. Then we had lunch and spent the afternoon playing games at Dave and Busters. It was such a fun time. Oh - but all good things come to an end. I wish weekends away could last forever.

We love weekend trips and will keep busy planning the next one. There is Comicon in December, but I think we might go for something a little less nerdy. Maybe next year, that gives me enough time to find a sexy Spiderman costume.

Sometimes I'm Annoyed

                  
I need to vent. Last week, I was very annoyed. I wasn't annoyed by everything. Just people in the service industry that I happened to come in contact with. Let me tell you about some of these people.

There is a cashier at the Dollar Tree that hates me. Truly. I do not understand why. I frequent the Dollar Store on a weekly basis and he has worked there for 2 years and he is HATEFUL to me. He shoots daggers at me and looks at me with disgust whenever I go in there. So much so that I avoid going in there when he works. He always works day shift during the week. Whenever I go to check out he doesn't say "hello" or "have a nice day" or anything. He doesn't smile. I used to think that it's just the way he is. That he is grumpy and mean to everyone. Until one day I was waiting in his line and there was a lady in front of me. He smiled at her "How are you today?" He rung her up, chatted with her and then waved to her, "Have a nice day." Then he turned to the next customer and when he saw it was me his smile faded and he began to ring up my things in his usual mean way. "That will be $13.42." Then he reluctantly handed me my bag and was silent. I have never been mean to the Dollar Store man, I don't understand. I am very annoyed by it. Sometimes he won't be there for a period of time and I will get excited and think he got a new job but then, there he is - scowling at me from behind the register. I had to see him this week and it made me mad. One day, I am going to confront him. Not this week. Now, the guy at Moe's - that's a different story.

Last Wednesday was a long day for me. A 13 hour day. I was on my way home at 8 pm and I called my husband who had not made dinner. I was tired, I hadn't eaten anything since 9 am, I was in a horribly uncomfortable pant suit, I was having this horrible lower back pain and was just all around feeling horrible. I stopped at Moe's for dinner on my way home and I was just exhausted. I dragged myself into Moe's and no one was in there. I was so glad. I just wanted to get my food and get out. I go up to the counter and there is a new guy I didn't know. "Welcome to Moes, what can I get you?" "Can I get an earmuff?" He grinned and said, "We're all out of those." Oh, a smart alec. I was not in the mood to play his games. "Please, just make me the food." He asked if I wanted rice. "Yes, just a little." He smiled, "You mean a lot?" My blood began to boil. "No, a little." "What?" Then he was trying to get to me look him in the eye for some reason. I don't know why but I was extremely annoyed. I didn't want to gaze in his eyes or be jovial. I was so tired that I was pretty sure I was melting into the floor. This guy stopped making my food and was like, "What's wrong?" Oh.my.God. You are not Doctor Phil, just make my food. I managed to utter, "I am hungry and I had a long day." Then he had the nerve to say, "Are you depressed or something?" What the hell? I lost my mind. These were my exact words to him, "I am NOT depressed. I am EXHAUSTED, I haven't eaten in 11 hours. I want you to stop playing games with me and make me food. I am going to go home and put on my pajamas and eat this food in my bed like a fat slob. I will probably get corn salsa on my sheets but I am so tired that I won't even clean it off and I will sleep on my corn salsa sheets. I am going to give you money, just please give me my food and don't talk." I said all of that. Out loud. His eyes were really big and he looked at me like I was crazy. "You want everything on it?" I nodded. Then I gave him money and he gave me the food.

I hobbled to my car and a sense of shame swept over me. I wished I hadn't let my crazy out like that in public but he kind of deserved it. I went home and kissed my babies and did eat my food in bed, in my pajamas. I didn't feel ashamed of that at all. I enjoyed it. Every last bite. Corn salsa sheets and all.

Family Pictures

               

We decided to get family pictures done last weekend. You may all know about my disdain for getting photos done because no one in my family cooperates. I was thinking this year would be different. The kids are older and I was thinking that I might make an attempt to send out some nice Christmas cards this year. I know, I'm an overachiever. I booked the photographer but needed to get some new clothes for the girls so I went shopping with my kids, my sister and my niece.

Well, if my kids are bad alone - throw in my 4 year old niece and you have a trifecta of craziness. We were discussing color schemes and the kids would just disappear. They were hiding in the clothing. They are too old for that. My sister and I both yelled in public - feeling no shame or embarrassment. We are 2 peas in a pod. We had to go over to the women's section which is next to the underwear section. My 4 year old niece comes up to me with a green bra around her neck that is like a 42 DDD and says, "I'm a gwown woman." I laughed and laughed. Then she said, "I want to be a gwown woman." I smiled and said, "No you don't, then you're going to have a bunch of kids that make you crazy like me and your mom." She looked at me indignantly and said, "Not uh, I'm only going to have 1 child." Good luck with that. That trip should have been an indication that things would not go well.

The week before picture I was threatening my family. Mostly my husband."You need to smile and be serious. No, you can not wear your Batman tee-shirt." He is awful with pictures. We've been married over 11 years and I only have 5 good pictures of us together. He always sticks his tongue out or puts his finger up my nose. I get it, you're a funny guy but in 100 years our great-grandchildren are going to look at pictures of us and think we're insane. They wouldn't be that far off. I just don't want them to think that.

The day of rolls around and the plan was to get dressed, pick up my 7 year old from a sleepover party, get her dressed and then go to photos. My husband takes a shower and he comes out and he didn't shave his beard or his hair. He always shaves his head. For years, with very short stints of growing it out. He's been shaving it since he was in the military. I love when it's shaved. He looks hot as fire. "Are you going to shave?" He looked at me and said, "No, I;m growing it out." "WHAT? You never grow out your hair. Please can you shave it for the pictures?" "No. I'm growing it out." I lost my damn mind. He is the most stubborn person on the planet and we are in the point in our marriage where he doesn't have to do what I say anymore. We probably hit that mark about 5 years ago. I hate it. I used to ask for the moon and the stars and he would climb a mountain to try to do it. Now he is like, "Get them yourself. I had a hard day." He realizes that nothing happens if he doesn't give in to my wishes, except that I get mad and he doesn't care that much if I'm mad. It's a power struggle. I tried the nice route, "Please will you shave?" "No. I don't have to." I was seething. I was so upset.

Then my 9 year old walks in and I told her I was going to brush her hair and put a little bit of color on her face as she was a little pale and she said, "No. This is my face." We went back and forth and she still said that she wasn't going to do it. That she could do her own hair. "I am half of a grown up." You're 9 - step off. I came toward her with a brush and she screamed, "DON'T TOUCH ME!!!!" It was a mutiny. I was so angry I was seeing red. This was me:
               
We went to the car and I was loosing my mind I was so annoyed. I did what any grown woman who doesn't get her way would do. I sat in the passengers seat with my arms crossed and scowled. We went to pick up my 7 year old. She loves me, she would cooperate. We pull up to the house and out runs my baby with temporary tattoos ALL OVER her face. Not one on her cheek. ALL OVER her face. Her nose, both cheeks, forehead, chin, next to her eyes. Oh, the wrath I felt. "You knew we were getting pictures today." She shrugged her shoulders, "I just wanted to." So I spent the whole way there scrubbing the tattoos off her face and she cried because it hurt.

By the time we got there, I was over it. My husband was annoyed, the kids were annoyed. I knew it was going to be bad but I didn't think I would want to throw myself off a bridge. We did survive it, which was good. My blood pressure went down as the shoot went on. I am not doing family pictures again for another 5 years. It almost killed me.