10,9,8,7,6.....

It's New Year's Eve! Time to say goodbye to the old and usher in the new. Which is just symbolic, nothing we be new tomorrow. Except for the number, which means I will put the wrong dates on checks and other important documents for the next 2 months.

There is so much pressure to have fun and be epic on New Year's Eve. I'm over it. When I was a kid, I imagined that one day I would be spending New Year's on a yacht. Can you see me? In a gold, sequin dress, my hair in a french twist. Looking very thin and fabulous. There is a man playing a grand piano and a gentleman in a white tuxedo carrying a tray a champagne flutes. There is shrimp cocktail and caviar and dancing. At midnight, we all go out on the deck and light sparklers and kiss strangers..... I watched too many movies. That is not how life turned out, which is fine (unless you are reading this and own a yacht and want to invite us to your party).

I know a lot of people that want to spend New Year's Eve in Times Square watching the ball drop. I am in the minority and think that it would not be fun at all. Those people show up at like, 8 am and wait ALL DAY and night. They are all smooshed together. It's cold as hell in New York City. Also, you must have to hold your pee all night. I have been told there are porta-potties, but you have to navigate through a crowd of thousands of people to get to them. I think about that every time I watch the ball drop. I think, "How many of those people are suffering because they are really cold AND have to pee right now?" At least 10. Probably more, but 10 at the least.

We have had our fair share of lame New Year's. I was thinking about all the New Year's Eve celebrations and I realized that this will be our 14th New Year's Eve that my husband and I have spent together, because we spent New Year's together before we were dating.

I was 16 and my parents let me have a small group of friends over, but he had to work. He came over after his shift to chill and hang out, but 15 minutes until midnight he said he had to leave. "Why?" "I have to spend it with my parents and my family." I thought that was totally lame. I had to hear it from my parents the next day. "Did you know he left to be with his parents at midnight? That is so sweet. He is such a nice boy - you really should date him." I rolled my eyes at them. "You people are stupid, I'm not going to date him." They were always trying to pressure me to go out with him. Much to their chagrin, I married that nice boy 18 months later.

Fast forward to another memorable New Year's Eve - 2003, we moved to Dallas that day. We got to the apartment in the morning and signed our paperwork. The movers came and our couch didn't show up, our desk was broken, a ton of stuff was missing. Thanks ARMY! We were not in good spirits. I was 15 weeks pregnant and vomiting. That night, we ate Subway on the corner. We went back to the apartment and some how we had a bottle of wine. The problem was that the corkscrew was in a box that never showed up. We didn't know what to do. This was 10 years ago. Our internet wasn't set up, there was no smartphones or GPS. We Mapquested and printed the directions to get to the apartment for God's sake. We didn't know a soul in Dallas. Not one person. We moved there on a whim because it seemed like a cool city. That's us- making good, logical decisions. It didn't seem like a good idea to go driving around to find a place that sells corkscrews in a new city. We were afraid we wouldn't be able to find our way back. He was adamant that it was New Year's Eve and he was going to have a glass of wine despite the fact that we had no corkscrew. He tried to be resourceful and open it with a screw driver, which was a comedy of errors. He did get to the wine, but the cork was destroyed. He poured a glass and we sat alone in our quiet apartment and he drank that wine with cork particles floating at the top. We fell asleep on our mattress on the floor. I woke up at 1:00 am. I nudged my husband, "Honey, it's 2004. Happy New Year." He didn't even open his eyes. He raised his hand as an acknowledgement and fell right back asleep. We became parents that year. That's frightening.

The next New Year's Eve we had a baby and closed on our first house that day. What a difference a year makes.....

Last year we were in Florida and my youngest daughter threw up 10 minutes before the ball dropped. That was very awesome.

The ones in between have been uneventful. We always spend New Year's with the kids. Sometimes with friends and family. We usually host a little get together. Nothing too exciting. This year I wanted to do something a little different and fun for the kids. So I told them that they could have a New Year's Eve sleepover party. I let them each invite 5 people, with the assumption that people might be out of town or might not be able to come. Well, we will be spending New Year's Eve with 12 little girls -  14 if you count the neighbors who won't sleep over. I think it will so fun. I made treasure boxes with sparklers, noise makers, glow sticks, necklaces, party hats and I put together this crazy scavenger hunt with clues and I'm going to make them find the treasure boxes. We set up a stage with their keyboard, guitar and microphone. We brought crafts so they can do art and make jewelry. We purchased a ton of fireworks, so we will go out and set those off throughout the night. We'll roast marshmallows, play Head's Up, dance. We'll watch the ball drop. I brought plastic champagne flutes and sparking juice so the kids can toast at midnight. Then I won't sound lame if people ask what I did on New Year's Eve. "We had a big party. We had food and even live music." haha.

I am off to get the day started. Have a happy and safe New Year! Welcome 2014!

The Day I Was Pregnant

  

So....I thought I was pregnant the other day, which was completely horrifying. I was cleaning the house and getting the Christmas stuff packed up and I realized it was the end of December. How can that be? Already? Oh.my.God. I'm pregnant. Things are not how they should be. I entertained this thought for a moment and I thought, "No way, that's impossible." But then I thought- I have been feeling very bloated and unusually tired and I haven't been sleeping good. I've been having weird dreams. Because I was being scientific and not neurotic at all. My heart sunk into my stomach. I called my husband at work, "I know this is going to sound absolutely insane, but things are not how they should be and I think I'm pregnant." Did he speak comfort to me? No, of course not. He laughed and said, "It's not my baby."

We made the decision not to have any more children many years ago. We were very young. We were just 23 and 24 and we knew that we were good. We had two healthy children. We felt complete. I knew that if we didn't do something drastic, I would have 8 kids by the time I was 40. I am a fertile myrtle. I don't understand how people that are not sterile don't have kids for long stretches of time. I would be pregnant every time I turned around, I think. So we made it permanent. I would have let them take my uterus out, but apparently they don't remove uteruses from 23 year olds. I was happy about it. I always believed in the power of the vasectomy until I worked with a lady who got pregnant on her 20th wedding anniversary YEARS after her husband had a vasectomy. It sent chills up my spine. I don't trust them anymore. Tubes can grow back. I think nature always tries to find a way. I don't like it.

I tried to clean my house but I was so upset and feeling morose. We were having dinner at my dad's house which I knew would take my mind of of things. I told the kids to get their shoes on and off we went. I walked into my dad's house and said hello and a minute later he said, "I have something for you." He handed me a VHS tape, not any VHS tape. This VHS tape:
                                     
I am not kidding you, true story. I looked at him funny. "Why are you giving this to me?" He shrugged, "It fell out the the cabinet right before you came over." My heart sank again. Is this a sign, God? Because if it is, I don't like your sense of humor. I needed to do something immediately, I was freaking out. I decided that I would just go buy a pregnancy test. Right at that moment. I left and drove straight to CVS. I balked at the price of the pregnancy tests. I should have just went to the dollar store. I frequent the CVS so I knew the guy who was ringing me up. He acts weird and socially awkward when I buy shampoo so I think this purchase really threw him for a loop. He looked at the pregnancy test and he looked at me and gave me a weird look. Then he wouldn't look me in the eye again or talk. He just took my money. I wanted to say, What? Am I making a declaration to the world? Did I do something that I'm not supposed to do? I think not -I'm a married woman for God sake with 2 kids already. I'm a responsible person. But I didn't say that. I said, "Have a nice evening," and I grabbed the test and left.

I drove back to my dad's house and disappeared and took the stupid test. I watched as the one line appeared and and the anxiety washed out of my body. I was so happy. I was ecstatic. I came down stairs and ate dinner and life went on.

I don't want to sound like a selfish, horrible person - because I love babies. I really do. I think they are fantastic. I think people should have them - lots of them, if they want to. Just not ME. I don't want to vomit and be ill and wipe butts and walk a crying baby for hours. I have walked through the valley of sleepless nights and endless laundry. I have braved the world with puffs and sippy cups in hand. It was a joyous time in our lives, I loved our babies. I gave them everything that I had. But that time is over for us now. We are in another place in our lives. A place that I couldn't even have dreamed of or imagined when the kids were babies and toddlers. I always thought I would be terribly sad as the kids got older and long for a little person, but it's not as sad as I thought it would be. It's actually quite fun. We will have a teenage daughter in 3 1/2 years. We can go places without packing bags. We have careers that we enjoy. Life is settled.

I am thinking about getting my tubes tied now. Maybe an IUD too. Maybe also practicing natural family planning on top of that. You can never be too careful.

Christmas Come and Gone

                     
Another Christmas has come and gone. I am exhausted, truthfully. I slept for 13 hours yesterday! I'm surprised that the kids let me, but thank goodness - because it sure has been a hectic few days.

On Christmas Eve we took the kids to see Santa Claus- because we are horrible parents and procrastinated and didn't do it sooner. I figured the line wouldn't be that long but I was wrong. We stood among all the last minute parents and waited to see Santa. The kids started annoying us after 20 minutes. It's a thing that they do. I kept laughing and saying, "You better behave, you don't want Santa to bring you a bag of switches."

A few weeks earlier, I heard someone ask a kid if Santa was going to bring them gifts or a bag of switches. I interjected, "I thought Santa gave coal to bad kids." It must be a Southern thing. I think that's a little heavy handed. A whole BAG of switches? Wow. I still think it's hilarious and will use that from now on. haha.

So we finally get to Santa Claus and get the kids picture taken. My 9 year old looked like a giant. She was sitting on Santa's lap and her feet touched the ground. How the heck did she get so big? He asked what they wanted for Christmas and we were on our way.

We spent the rest of the day cleaning and relaxing. I started dinner at 4. When I was a kid my dad would always make shrimp scampi over linguine on Christmas Eve. I make it every Christmas Eve now and my dad joins us for dinner. I thought how strange that is and I started to wonder when my kids will start cooking Christmas Eve dinner for me. But then I thought - what if they don't want to spend Christmas with me? What if they want to spend it with their in-laws? Then I thought, maybe they will marry only-children and then I can host the in-laws as well. But then I thought that I wouldn't want them to marry only-children because I want my grand babies to have lots of aunts and uncles. I'm already kind of annoyed at my kid's future in-laws. Then I thought that I was crazy and should just try to live in the moment and I finished making dinner.

It was a nice dinner with my dad and his girlfriend and my brother. We ate and then had hot chocolate and roasted marshmallows while we watched A Christmas Story. Then the kids went up to bed and it was time to play Santa. My brother stayed at the house so we put him to work. We brought in the gifts from the garage. He tripped over something and there was a loud "CRASH" - we all froze in place and were silent. Like bank robbers about to be discovered. My husband tip toed quietly up the stairs to check on the kids to make sure they were still asleep. He came back down and gave us the thumbs up. Whew! That was a close call.

We placed the gifts under the tree. We stuffed stockings. I took bites out of San'ta cookies and drank the milk. My husband spit carrots onto the front lawn and laid the reindeer water dish out as well. I took ash from the fire and sprinkled it in front of the fireplace. Yes, Santa has come. I wonder how long we will put up this charade. I think it's funny. When the kids are home from college, I will still be laying out cookies for Santa. :)

We went to bed and of course my 9 year old was up at 4:15 am. Dear Lord. "It's Christmas - can we open our present?" In my head I said: Oh-hell-to-the-no. But instead I said, "Go lay down and we can get up at 6:30." She didn't go to bed. She played on the ipad, she circled back around and said she needed a snack. She played and was anxious. My 7 year old was up at 6 am and my husband shoved me so finally we got up at 6:08.

The kids opened their gifts and were excited. They seemed to have liked everything. My daughter thought the Target doll was an American Girl doll so that made me happy. We had a big breakfast and then spent most of the day cooking. My siblings and parents joined us for dinner and it was a wonderful time. I went to bed without cleaning up, I was so tired.

Fast forward to today. My house still is not recovered from Christmas Day. I am going to really double down and clean like a mad woman. The tree and decorations are still up which makes me feel weird. There is nothing sadder than a Christmas tree and decorations after Christmas. I will pack them up this weekend. I imagine they won't be packed away for long. Each year goes by faster and faster - it will be Christmas again before I know it and I'll be wonder how the heck it got to be December again already. And so it goes.

Our Adventures

         
I have been MIA for a while. It is such a busy time of year. Between work, the end of the kid's semester, wrapping and decorating and everything else - the time has just sped by. It's Christmas Eve already and I still can't believe it. It doesn't feel like it should be here this quickly. But ready or not, Santa is coming tonight.

We spent this past weekend away in Helen, GA which was so nice. Helen is this little German-inspired village in the mountains of Georgia.



 I became a little obsessed with Germany after we ate at a German restaurant at Disney so I was soooo excited to go. It's like the poor man's Germany. Originally, we just planned on just taking the kids but it turned into a family vacation with my siblings and mother renting a cabin. We got there after dark on Friday. We turned off the main road to this tiny dirt road in the middle of the woods. It was straight up and it looked like we were going into a tunnel. My 7 year old was freaked out and crying. "This is a scary place. I don't want to die." Which made me laugh. Bad Mom Award. We drove to the very top of the hill. I was surprised any car could make it up, it was so steep. But we made it! We had dinner and relaxed and settled into bed.

Unfortunately, the weather called for rain ALL weekend. I was a little disappointed but we never let the rain spoil our fun. The next morning we went to the hardware store and got ponchos and braved the rain. We decided that we wanted to take a carriage ride. My mom arranged for the ride while we got hot chocolate for the kiddos. This carriage ride was a comedy of errors. It was a 9 seater carriage but the driver said he could fit all of us on. Eight adults (5 of whom are 6 + feet tall) and 4 kids aged 9,7, 4,1 and a baby. We looked like we were in a clown car. Legs were hanging over each other, kids were on laps.... We looked so silly. It was a riot. Then the horse's harness broke half way through the ride and the driver turned around and asked, "Are there any handy men in there?" haha. What the hell? So my brother gets out and tries to fix the harness, then my mom gets out and tries to fix the harness. Finally, we just decided to just get out and explore from there. It was an adventure.

We went to this supermarket that was cool and old fashioned and had all kinds of imported German stuff. We went to Charlemagne's Kingdom which was this huge model railroad thing.
 
It was really cool, but very weird. The guy that put it together was this 80 year old man from Germany, with sparkling blue eyes and a very  good sense of humor. It really was amazing detail. There were hot air balloons that moved. Whole towns, with people, farms and amusement parks. There was a bungee jumper on the bridge. There was a lot of tragedy too - car accidents, a hot air balloon crashed into the side of the mountain, a house on fire. There was random stuff hanging on the wall. A lot of flags but then a puzzle of the Statue of Liberty thumb tacked to the wall. It was weird.

We had lunch at a German restaurant. Brats and saurkraut, yum! It was so kitschy and touristy - I loved it! We went back to the cabin and the kids insisted that I join them in the hot tub. It wasn't warming up very well, so it was only 90 degrees. It was like bathwater. But it was huge so the kids swam in it. It was on the second floor balcony, over looking the mountains, so the view made up for the fact that the hot tub was like bath water.

The next day poured even harder than the first, so we went to the Bear Park and fed apples to bears which was very weird and fascinating. The bear stood on his hind legs and I-sh*t-you-not - waved to us. The kids were amused. Then we walked next door to the Hansel and Gretel candy shop. Everything looked so good. The kids kept asking - mom, can I get this? Do you know what I said? I said, "Yes, get anything you want. Get it all." I was thinking I was in the Willy Wonka movie. We got truffles and peanut butter cups and gummies and peanut brittle and jelly beans and chocolate covered pretzels.... I spent $50 at the candy store. It was out of control. That night we ate at this German restaurant that was sooo yummy. Our table overlooked the Chattahoochee and was so pretty. My 7 year old was adventurous and had schnitzel. We had a feast of German food. Brats, knockwurst, schnitzel, sauerkraut, cabbage, noodles.... For dessert we had apple strudel that was flown in from Munich. Literally, to die for. We left happy and full.

Of course, the day we had to leave - the sun finally came out. After we left the cabin we took the girls to Anna Ruby Falls. I had never seen a real waterfall before, so I was very excited. My brother and sister and her family came along. We drove up this mountain and then needed to hike half a mile to the falls. As soon as we got out of the car we could hear the whoosh of water running over the rock. We paid for tickets and made the hike. It was one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. Even the kids were in awe. They were like, "Mom, look at this - take a picture." The weather was perfect. It wasn't warm and it wasn't cold. They are a slight chill in the air that was perfect. It literally was the perfect day. The trail was next to the water and the forest towered above us. The trail was steep but the kids didn't complain once. We finally made it to the top and it was so much more magnificent then I imagined it to be. The kids stood at the edge of the platform and the mist from the falls splashed their faces. It was absolutely incredible. I am so glad that we decided to make the stop before we headed home. I will remember it always.
                     
               
Then we made our way back home. Not before stopping at the German-inspired Wendy's for lunch. It was a 4.5 hour ride and we had planned to have dinner and go to the Christmas light show when we got home. It was 6 by the time we arrived. I was so tired so I didn't cook dinner. Instead, I let the kids eat bowls of Fruity Pebbles for dinner. Bad Mom Award. It was pouring rain when we got home and my husband was feeling kind of iffy about the light show. I was insistent, "We can't let rain ruin our time, it's a TRADITION!" I checked the weather on James Island and it looked like the rain we were having wouldn't make it to that area for an hour and a half. We told the kids to get in their jammies because we had to go NOW to beat the traffic. It's a popular event and we always wait at least an hour in line to get it.

We sang Christmas carols all the way there and were shocked to discover that the rain kept everyone away. We literally drove right in - which NEVER, in the 7 years we have done the lights, has happened. It wasn't even raining. The lights were magnificent.


The light display is amazing. Is always ranked in the top 10 in the US and never, ever disappoints. They had a few new ones this year, which was cool. As a bonus, there were such few people there that we went through twice.

We came home and lit a fire and watched a movie together. My husband and I feel asleep in the middle of the movie. Somehow, I wound up asleep in the middle of the living room floor. haha. When it was over I tried to wake my husband, but he was out for the count. So I left him on the couch. I told the girls they could climb into bed with me, which was a special treat. They were excited. I don't think I have many years left of that.

They each put a head on one of my shoulders. My 7 year old said, "Tomorrow is almost Christmas. Santa will come." My 9 year old said, "Yeah, and we can celebrate Jesus' birthday." Her sister replied, "That's my favorite. Night, mama." We fell asleep like that. A deep, wonderful sleep. It was just an amazing few days.

Well, the kids are up now. Breakfast must be served, the house cleaned, Santa tracked and cookies to bake. Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Christmastime is Here

                        

Christmastime is here again. We are in the full swing of things. This weekend was especially busy. We are going for a fun weekend away to the Georgia mountains this coming weekend so this past weekend was our last chance to really get everything taken care of. The kid's gifts have been taken care of for quite a few weeks. They only get 4 things so this year my oldest is getting a pink guitar, an outfit, books and legos. She was so cute - she said, "I know they are kind of for boys, but I would really like to have some Legos." I got all feminist on her and said 'NO - they are NOT for boys. You ask for Legos if you want them." My little one is getting a keyboard on a stand, an outfit, some books, and a doll. She wanted an American Girl doll but there is no way in Hades that I am paying $100 for a doll. Maybe if it was just the doll and not the keyboard but the keyboard was over a hundred and I am not made of money. I got her an Our Generation doll from Target. If she gets upset, I'll just tell her it's American girl doll's cousin. Bad Mom Award. Then this week, my 9 year old decided she wants Beanie Babies. What does she think this is 1995? Sorry, the presents have been purchased. It will be what it will be.

Every year we give the kids money to buy gifts for each other and gifts for us. We gave them each $25 and split up. My 9 year old went with me got her sister a One Direction poster and some jewelry from Claires. My 7 year old went with my husband and got her sister this super cute belted dress and silver sequins purse from Dilliards. She did good, shopping the sale racks. I taught her well. They were so excited to come home and wrap their gifts.

I was telling them that when I was a kid, they did Santa's Secret Shop at school and my parents would give us like $2 to buy gifts for the family. They would set up these tables behind the stage and they would have gifts you could buy. There was a 25 cent section all the way up to $20.00. I have to stretch my money so I went for the cheaper gifts. I remember buying my dad this ceramic owl figurine that was an inch high and he acted so excited to when he opened it on Christmas day. That must have been so hard to do. We were laughing just thinking about it. I purchased a tiny plastic snow globe one year. It's the thought that counts.

After our shopping and wrapping we were tuckered out. We had a nice dinner and watched a Christmas Carol by the fire. It's one of our favorites. The 1984 version. It's such a great move. George C. Scott is such a great actor. The kids just love it. My husband and I find it amusing when the ghost of Christmas present tells Scrooge to look beneath his robe. We giggle like middle schoolers. We are very sophomoric. That's why we get along so well. We joke about it throughout the year. Sometimes I wrap the kids up in my bathrobe and say in a booming voice, "Look here, beneath my robe." We laugh and laugh.

It was a wonderful night, all of us curled on the couch watching the movie. We ate ice cream, the fireplace crackled, the lights of the tree dimly lit the room. I reminded me of why this is my favorite time of year.

Turn Off the Lights

                

Everything is expensive. I hate it. I had it last week. I got the electric bill and it was way more than it needs to be. So I have been on this crusade to lower the electric bill. Which my family is not so excited about. I am going around turning lights off and reminding everyone to do the same. The other night my daughter left the bathroom light on ALL NIGHT LONG. I said to her, "Do you think electricity is free?" She shrugged her shoulders, "Well, it's free to me." I had to restrain myself. She's got a smart mouth for a 9 year old. She's lucky I don't turn off the breaker. Then my husband purchased an XBOX One that he said was only $500 but somehow magically turned into $700 dollars. We are a cash only family so we need to be a little more diligent. I finally decided that we need to re-evaluate the money situation. We needed to have a come to Jesus, because I want to invest more and go on family vacations instead of sending all our money to the electric company and Publix, which is where it's going.

So we sat down to re-do the budget and re-group. My 7 year old asked if she could help. I said sure. So she ran and got her notebook and proceeded to sit right in between my husband and myself. "Okay, I'm ready." "Can you sit next to me, so your dad and I can go over some things?" She thought for a minute. "No, I'm helping." Grrrrr. So she has her note pad and I have mine and we are discussing the necessities. Periodically, my daughter puts in her opinion about the budget. "Don't forget my hospital bill. It's going to be a BIG one. I'll write that down." We haven't gotten that bill yet. I'm frightened. Put it on the list. My daughter was excited and gave me her finished product.

Seems legit at first. I like how she spells electricity, "lektrisity" and insurance is "inchrince". haha. As you go down you will notice that tooth paste is a line item on the budget, as well as a chairs, caps, a swimming pool, plates and pen pals. Whatever. She put them in groups from most important to least important. At least she has priories. 

So we will do better this year. Hopefully turn out the damn lights every once and a while. At least I'm not spending money on Diet Coke anymore. 

Withdrawal

               

I've been having a rough couple of days. I am withdrawing from a serious diet coke addiction. I have a serious problem. It started off innocently enough. I used to drink an occasional soda. When I went out to eat,  sometimes to treat myself at work in the afternoon. I mostly drank water. Then about 18 months ago, I wanted to lose some weight so I switched to Diet Coke. I found myself drinking it more and more. I only like fountain soda so it's not been as out of control as it could be but it was bad. I realized how bad it was earlier this week. I dropped the kids off at school at 7:30 and went to McDonalds and got a 16 oz cup of Diet Coke. It felt so good but by 10 am, my body was craving more - a headache had started to set in. I stopped at a gas station and got another 16 oz of Diet Coke. I has 2 at lunch. A can in the afternoon and another 2 at dinner. This is what my life is like most of the time. I calculated it and I easily drink 60 oz of diet coke a day- 80-90 oz if I am traveling, which I am a lot. It's a shocking amount. It was shocking to me. I am like a drug addict with the Diet Coke. I need it. I am always looking for my next hit. So on Wednesday morning, I woke up and first thing in the morning, I think of how much I would love a diet coke. I decided that this needed to stop. I decided I would quit cold turkey. I am out of control. I have an unhealthy relationship with diet coke.

The first day was horrible. The bad headache set in quickly. I was drinking water and took some ibuprofen. I had some unsweet tea at noon. I had a long drive home that evening and I felt like I was in hell. My head was pounding, my arms were like jelly. I got home late and crashed. I don't remember saying hello to my husband. The next morning was still bad, I felt exhausted, the headache was still present and I was just not well.

I got the kids up and fed them breakfast and got ready to get them to school. My husband kissed me good-bye and looked at me funny and said, "Are you taking the kids to school in your robe?" I looked at him indignantly. "Yes. Yes I am. I don't care. Do you know how many sh*ts I give right now? Zero, that's how many." I leaned in close and said, "And you know what else? I am not wearing any pants either." I walked to the car in my slippers and bathrobe and I loved every minute of it. I was just dropping them off at the curb. No one can see what I'm wearing. If they asked, I'd just tell them I was wearing a wrap dress.

I made it through the day, which seemed to drag on forever. I am on day 3 of no Diet Coke now and even though I still have a splitting headache, the fog is starting to lift a bit. I feel less-jelly like. I've had a ton of work to do and with not feeling well, I've been letting the kids do their own thing. This has not been a good thing at all. I was working at the computer this afternoon. Trying to think straight with my head pounding. I hear the mail man come and I peek out the window and I see my 7 year old with I pile of cards. "What are you doing?" She smiled at me, "Look at all the cards we got, mama." She took the outgoing mail out of the mailbox which included 40 Christmas Cards and 10 party invites." I grabbed them from her and ran down the mailman as he was driving away, "Wait, wait - I need to send out something." I was out of breath and apologized profusely. If you get a card from me with foot print marks on it,  it's because they were sprawled all over my driveway. Sorry.

As I walked back to the house I saw a bag on the chair. "Are you eating the tortilla chips and sharing them with the neighborhood kids?" She nodded, "Yeah, they're good." I picked the bag up which now consisted of crumbs. We were going to have black bean nachos for dinner, but not anymore. I would go out to eat but it's not worth it because nothing tastes good without Diet Coke. I can do this...I can do this...I can do this....

I Hate Shopping

                    
I hate to shop. I just don't like it. I don't like to part with my money. I'm cheap....always have been, always will be. Sometimes, however, I have to spend money. I need some new clothes. My clothes are two extremes. I only own business clothes and sweat pants. Which works out fine most of the time. Except for this weekend when I went to go to the grocery store. I put on a skirt and a blouse and sweater and a scarf. My husband was like, "Why are you dressed up?" "Because this is all I own." I decided I need at least 2 pair of jeans and some casual tops. I also need a new dress for my husband's Christmas dinner for work. So I decided I would go shopping this week.

Yesterday evening I decided to go to Goodwill and see what I could find. I'm cheap, don't judge me. I found some cute stuff and filled up my cart and went to try the stuff on. The dressing room was horrible. The florescent lights and mirror were so unflattering. I was traumatized by it. Somebody needed to bring me some carrot sticks to dip in all that cottage cheese. I pulled on top after top, skirts and dresses and it all looked horrible on me. I hated it. I did find 2 pairs of jeans that were cute and didn't need hemming and a dress but no tops. I was horribly disappointed and the Goodwill lady looked at me like she wanted to murder me when she saw me hang up all the stuff I wasn't going to buy. I walked out feeling dejected. I would have to go to a REAL store to buy some tops and a dress for the dinner.

So this evening I went to the mall. I never go to the mall. Maybe a handful of times a year or less. I figured that I could hit up Claires and Bath and Body Works to get some stocking stuffers for the girls while I was there. I went from department store to department store, browsing. I was shocked about how much I hated all the clothes. They were just hideous and expensive. I feel like I am at a weird age because the women's section was all clothes for 60 year olds but I'm too old for the juniors section. I have no idea what kind of clothes I like because I own no casual clothes. It was painful. Some of it was just so expensive. I was amazed by it. Who has $60 for a sweater? I thought everyone was broke and we are in a bad economy. Apparently not, if $60 sweaters are flying off the shelf. I walked past the perfume section and smelled all the perfumes I will never buy. I especially enjoyed Katy Perry's Killer Queen fragrance. I need to find an imitation perfume for that one, I thought to myself. Cheap.

I visited Gap and was bored. I went to the Loft and was not impressed. I visited them all. I brought a turtleneck at Sears. It's boring but I was getting desperate. I decided to take a break from clothes shopping and get my stocking stuffers. Claires had Buy 1, Get 1 Half Off on all One Direction merchandise. I was so excited because my 7 year old is really into One Direction right now. I got her a One Direction necklace and pillowcase. She is going to lose it. I don't know how she found out about One Direction but she really likes Harry Styles. I tease her and say "No way, Harry is my boyfriend." She gets so mad, "Mom, you are too old for Harry." "No I'm not, he's 19. He's a grown up." My husband rolls his eyes at me. "Whatever- that kid would never survive the zombie apocalypse." I did find myself singing along to "Best Song Ever" in the car alone the other day. I was ashamed about it. I will restrain myself from stealing my daughter's One Direction necklace. I got some clip on earrings and nail polish. I went to Bath and Body Works and got them some body spray and hand sanitizer. I ate some disgusting food in the mall food court and then I went to find a dress for the upcoming dinner.

I had an idea of what I wanted in my head. I wanted something sexy but classy. Something knee length, not too tight but form fitting. Either off the shoulder or a plunging neckline. I can get away with a plunging neckline without looking skanky because I don't have anything to hang out. So sad. When I'm out with my husband I want to look really nice, especially around people he knows. I don't want them to think, "He has to go home to that beast? No wonder he works late all the time." I just want to look a little nicer than usual. No luck. I didn't find anything cute or reasonable. All the dresses were either too short or too matronly. I was so annoyed. So I left the mall disappointed and then I went back to my hotel and pulled on a pair of sweatpants and I thought to myself, Why can't I just wear sweat pants everywhere? That I would love. If we could work on making sweatpants mainstream and acceptable, I'm in.

Eyebrow Problems

                    
Earlier this week, when we were living in the hospital, my 9 year old looked a little tired, so I let her curl up into my lap. It looked kind of ridiculous, because I was holding her top half like a baby and her long legs were having over the chair onto the adjoining couch. She is never that close to me anymore and as I looked down at her, I brushed her hair behind her ears and I noticed something different about her. Something you couldn't really notice unless you were close up. "Did you shave your eyebrows?" Her eyes got really big - and she just looked at me and said nothing. "You shaved off the ends of your eyebrows!" She smiled shyly. "And this middle part, and this part here." I looked at them closely, she did a halfway decent job. I examined her closely. "And you shaved your upper lip too?"

I remained calm and thought in my head of what I was going to say and how this conversation would go. I probed. "So, tell me about why you wanted to shave your eyebrows and your upper lip." She shrugged her shoulders. "It's okay, I'm not mad." She unloaded. "Well, one time dad said that I have the same eyebrows as him and his eyebrows are bushy and I don't want to have bushy eyebrows AND my friend said that I have a mustache." I had to restrain my laughter a bit because I thought the whole thing was very silly, although I know it was not silly to her. I pondered how I would respond to this. I mean, a piece of me was very upset - she's 9, she should be climbing trees, not worrying about whether or not she has bushy eyebrows. Another part of me can remember being self-conscious at that age and feeling in-between and relating to that. "Well, I think you were perfect just the way you were. I think you are beautiful but if it REALLY bothers you, I can help you keep your eyebrows clean and we can take care of the fuzz on your upper lip." "Really?" I shrugged my shoulders, "Sure, just promise not to shave them again." "Promise."

So, that happened. The feminist in me is mad at myself and thinks that I should have just told her that she doesn't need to conform to some made-up standard of beauty and should just ride her bike not care at all. But she does see me do keep up my eye brows and my upper lip so of course these are things I don't like about my own appearance and that probably sends a bad message.

I think she's gorgeous. But she's my child and kids are her age are skeptical and take things with a grain of salt. I remember being in middle school and my parents telling me I was beautiful and thinking, I'm your kid - of course you think that, you are obligated to. I just want some of the boys to think that, I don't care about your opinion. I recall that exact thought. I am sensitive to the fact that my opinion doesn't hold much water in that department, although it is true. :)

I'm going to win the bad mom award and I am going to teach her how to tweeze her eyebrows. Just the space between them and a little on the top and the bottom. I want them to still be kid-like but enough that she's not self conscious about it. We'll Nair her upper lip. I don't want her to. I REALLY, REALLY don't. I know that I have to give a little bit. I feel like I need to be supportive and pick my battles. Besides, she might go and shave her eyebrows if I don't. I just feel like I need to be able to handle and be calm about the small things so that one day she can come to me about the big things.

I am starting to see that my role is changing with her and it is becoming more and more apparent by the day. That the first half was focused on keeping her alive. Keeping her fed and comfortable. Making sure she was secure and could perform basic tasks and instilling a sense of right and wrong. Teaching manners and empathy. But this second half will not be so easy. She is starting to understand how the world works. She is starting to realize that her parents are not perfect and have many flaws. Our job now seems like it will be helping her navigate through the trials and triumphs of this transformation from a child to a young adult. Trying to preserve her self-esteem and self worth. Making sure she can handle responsibility and autonomy but keeping her safe with appropriate boundaries at the same time. Truthfully, I am scared to death. I don't know if I am ready for this time - but ready or not here it comes. Starting with eyebrows. Next she'll want to shave her legs, then pierce her ears, then wear makeup, then dye her hair, then have a boyfriend. Ugggh - I don't like the second half so far. It's so awkward.