Gutter Chic

                               
It's been so crazy around here and it's about to get worse.... The other morning my husband came downstairs and said, "Have you looked at the calendar for May? It's just insanity." Did I look at it? I created it. I simply share it with him through the Cozi app. I sighed, "I know. At least you get to go to Las Vegas for a week."

May - gymnastics, band practice, band events, meetings, orthodontic appointments, dance rehearsals, dance recitals, end of the year school events, awards ceremonies, business trips, college exams.....my family is doing all the things in the month of May. We leave for vacation on June 3rd.

Which is good, I should be excited about it but I am FREAKING out. I checked in and submitted all of our paperwork for the cruise but we haven't planned any of our excursions, I only have $32 in euros, I need to arrange transportation from the airport, the kids need summer clothes, I generally need to just tie up my loose ends....

I made a packing list for what we need which meant that I needed to take the kids shopping. They need bathing suits, shirts, tops and some dresses. My 10 year was so upset about the dresses.
"I don't want to wear a dress."
"You need to wear something nice when we go to the Vatican. They have a dress code."
"I want to wear shorts."
"It's a holy site. The pope lives there, you have to follow the rules."
           
"Who even cares about the pope?"
"Lots of people. Literally like, a billion people. All the Catholics."
"Whatever."

So we set off to buy clothes. It is my most hated task because I don't like any of the things my kids like. I let them express themselves through their clothing choices (within reason) but it kills me inside. I want them to wear khaki skirts, collared shirts and Sperrys and they want to wear grungy, dark clothes. If we are at a store and there is an item of clothing that looks like it's been sitting in a garbage can since 1992, they will want it. The best way to describe their style is "gutter chic". They make clothes like that - torn apart, faded, HIDEOUS. I can't handle it. They look like they are trying to join the Sex Pistols.
                      
They think that I'm "old" and don't know what "real style" is. Whatever.

 These pants + tight ratty tee shirt + Converse = what they wear everyday

Some of their clothes have writing on them, which I don't always read until after my kid is wearing them, because apparently I'm a negligent parent. These are a few of my favorite.

Life Lessons

LOL

Anyway, we were out shopping and I let them pick out their own clothes. I make them try them on and I have "Ultimate Veto Power." So they go back into the dressing room and I'm waiting. My 10 year old models her outfits. Cut out shoulders, weird zippers up the front, belly button showing.
"No, No and No."
"Ugggh! Why?!?!"
"Because they are not appropriate for your age."
"Well, you aren't appropriate for your age. You got married at 18. People should not be getting married and having sex at the age of 18. That's inappropriate. This is an example of how you make horrible decisions. How can you make decisions about what I wear when you don't have good judgement?"
                                      
She makes some legitimate points, but I still wanted to rip her face off. "Stop being an a**hole and go pick out some clothes that I will approve of." I called her an actual a**hole, because I'm the Mom of the Year.

She picked out 2 dresses that would work. Black dresses, but appropriate and past the knee. My oldest did a little bit better, she accepts her fate more than her sister. They got some really cute stuff for the trip.

They each got a bathing suit but need 2 more. I am letting them wear a 2 piece this year for the first time ever. I am regretting this decision. Me when I saw my daughters in a two piece bathing suit for the first time:
                                  
I never understood what people meant about having daughters and how hard it is. Now I know why - because bikinis. My 12 year old looks like she's 15 and I am not handling it well AT ALL. Hate it. It's terrible. Even my 10 year old looks like she's 13, a short 13 year old. Ugggggh!!!! Puberty is stupid.

That's why they made wine. For moms of cute tween/teen girls. It's a real struggle.

May we get through May without incident. We will power through, tie up our loose ends, finish our shopping. We now have dresses to visit the Vatican, now just to lecture my kids about behaving at the Vatican...

Testing Week

                              
Tomorrow is Monday and this week is.....Testing Week! Yay! It's that time of year when you make sure your kids get to bed EXTRA early and you make sure they have a SUPER nutritious breakfast and pack a snack so they can excel at all of those mandated standardized tests.

I hate testing week. My kids come home with all the life drained out of them.

My kids during standardized testing week:
               

It's so stressful. There is so much pressure. The other week, we were sitting at the dinner table and the topic came up. My oldest very matter-of-factly told me, "You know, if you don't do good on the tests then they won't let you go to the next grade." I wasn't aware that was the case in my state. "Ummmm.....I don't think so. Just do your best."

I'm not anti-testing or anti-achievement by any means but they do too many of them, they don't improve student achievement, every state has their own test and standards so comparing results nationally isn't comparative.....I could really get on my soap box about it and go on and on.

I took standardized test growing up and I remember teachers going over "tips" to hack the test. Literally, they would spend whole class periods talking about how the test would try to "trick" you. So, the whole time you were taking the test you would be constantly second guessing yourself. This is the answer, but it is the obvious answer. It can't be the obvious answer....that's too easy. This is a trick question..... Then you would have to write essays about the most boring s**t ever. It is the most soul sucking, mind-numbing experience. For hours, day after day.

Also, no one knows what's on these tests. They are sealed. Test monitors have to have monitors. If a teacher looks at the test questions while the student is taking it, they can be burned at the stake. Who even writes these tests? It's a little bizarre. Surely, I'm not the only one that thinks it's weird.

Every year at testing time, I am reminded of the time I revolted against the standardized tests. It still makes me feel satisfied.

It was my senior year of high school in May, testing week. I was already checked out. I was moving away and getting married in a month. I was working, like 50 hours a week and going to school. I was EXHAUSTED and hated everything. I suffered horribly from a bad case of the small town blues. I felt like I was serving a sentence, and that my time was almost done. Freedom was so close that I almost taste it. I was just putting my nose to the grindstone and doing what I had to do to get through. I went through the motions of life and tried to mentally prepare for the test - it was the last one of my public school career. I could do this. Monday through Thursday - then, I would be done. As much as I despised it, I was going to do my best.

That Monday morning we swapped classrooms with the one next door. I guess your teacher couldn't proctor the test, maybe there was a rule about it....I don't quite remember.

The German teacher proctored the test. She had a red face and broad shoulders and while I didn't know her, I didn't like her. She had a cold and serious demeanor that rubbed me the wrong way. I sharpened my number 2 pencils and set them down at the top of my desk as the teacher passed out the sealed white booklets. Then she stood at the front of the classroom and recited the same instructions that I'd heard over, and over again through the years. Fill in the circle completely, read the answer carefully, you cannot hear the instructions again, blah,blah,blah,blah,blah.....

I did the test and I filled in the bubbles. It was boring and irrelevant but I did what I had to do. Day after day until it was over. That Thursday afternoon, when I closed the test booklet for the last time, I breathed a sigh of relief. It was over. They were all done - ACT, SAT, AP, State Testing. DONE. My brain hurt but I had finished it.

On Friday, I showed up at school and we were assigned back to the German teacher again. Which was weird, because testing was over. The German teacher stood in front of the room with a pile of white booklets. "The State is looking at switching to a different test for next year and we have been selected to trial the test. You will be influential in determining what test is used next year."

I almost lost my damn mind. It was the final straw for me.
                        
I don't owe the State of New Jersey anything! I hate New Jersey, I'm getting out of here. I can't do this. I'm going to take a stand. 

I was seething. She went around to pass out the booklets. "I'm not taking it." my 18 year old self said firmly. She looked at me with surprise. "That is not an option. It is mandatory."
"I'm not taking it," I said again.
She was not happy with me. "If you don't, you will get written up and we can and WILL withhold your diploma." She smirked at me, knowing she had the upper hand.

I was a good student, I was already accepted to college. I had served my time and this B was threatening to withhold my diploma. NO. It was on. "Okay," I said, accepting the test booklet. She finished distributing the booklets and stood in front of the classroom giving instructions.

I filled in the bubbles for my name and gender. Then she let us start. The first section had 50 or so questions. I filled in A from 1-50. It took me 30 seconds. Then I shut my test booklet. I laid my head on the desk. "You need to read the questions carefully and try to do your best," the German teacher said. I smiled at her, "I did." Then I took a nap. It was glorious. I had worked 3-11 the night before, I was tired.

The next section, I filled in all Bs. Then all Cs. I napped all day. I filled out bubbles for only 2 minutes in total. The German teacher glared at me with the most evil look the whole time but there was nothing she could do about it.
                                
 I'm pretty sure she wanted to murder me, throw me out the window. I was just some punk-ass kid rebelling against authority.

I walked out of the room that afternoon with a spring in my step. I had choices. I had some control in what I wanted to do. It was one of the most liberating things I had ever done in my young life.

As an adult, I feel bad for the German teacher. She was just there, trying to do her job. Counting down the years until she could run away and collect her pension. I can't blame her at all. She wasn't the enemy in all this, she was only the messenger.

I will think about her this week as my kids pack their number 2 pencils into their book bags and head off to school to fill in their own bubbles. I'll make sure they have granola bars and a bottle of water and we'll survive this too.

Spring Break Probs

                        
I was so looking forward to spring break. I thought it was going to be so relaxing. I am a damn fool. It was really awful actually. We made the gut-wrenching school decision, there was a loss of my daughter's acquaintance, my youngest injured herself in gymnastics and I had to shell out $250 for medical bills and crutches for her (it was just a sprain, thankfully). This was right after I just paid to have my timing belt and water pump replaced in my car. I also had to replace a tire that had a nail in it. Last week was expensive. Very expensive.

I called my girlfriend to vent. "I just so damn weary. Plus, I haven't even got my Easter stuff together yet!" It is very unlike me. I am always ahead of the game. "I need to get some Easter stuff to. I'll come with you. You need a friend," she replied.

I picked her up and we went to the dollar store. I was not feeling it, at all. I literally put in minimal effort. I usually will buy books, Bath and Body Works lotion, thoughtful things.... This year I was like- jelly beans, chocolate bunny, peanut butter egg, tooth brush and a $20. The slackest Easter baskets ever. I didn't even feel bad.

                               
I decided that if the kids acted disappointed I would tell them that God is disappointed that they don't appreciate that he gave his only son to die for their sins. I'm a good mom like that.

After our excursion at the Dollar Tree, my friend needed to stop by Walmart. We were walking through the store and it felt like I had gum on the bottom of my sandals. Something did not feel right. BOTH of the soles of my shoes were cracking. "That's weird." We continued to walk around the store and then my heel just fell off, unexpectedly, right in the middle of the aisle.

                     
I looked around, no one saw it happen. "Run," I said to my friend. We did. With each step, more and more of the soles came off. My shoes were literally disintegrating before my eyes. Both of them. It was the strangest thing. "These shoes are a metaphor for my life right now," I said, decidedly. We laughed so hard that we were crying. I left a trail of foam behind me in the parking lot as I walked to the car.

Look at these things:
                            
Unacceptable.

The next night was Easter eve. I stuffed my sad, mediocre baskets and hid them. Then, I painted bunny prints on the ground. "You know that the kids don't believe in the Easter Bunny anymore," my husband said (as if I needed the reminder). It is a force of habit. I am not ready to let it go yet. They are still kids, after all.

There was no early morning waking the next day. In fact, my husband and I woke up before the kids.  They were not overly enthusiastic about finding their baskets or about the candy. There was no delighted shrieks when they emptied all the chocolate. They did appreciate the $20 bill, though. I watched my daughters, almost as big as me now, sitting on the couch and rummaging through their Easter baskets and I wondered-how did this happen?

Your kids are little....until they're not. Of course it's gradual but you don't even realize it until one day you wake up and it's your reality. It's as if it happens over night. I love my big girls but I do miss my babies.

We had breakfast and then got ready to go to brunch with my family. "Listen guys, you have to dress nice. A dress or a skirt and blouse...." I was met by a collective groan. My 10 year old rolled her eyes. "Why do we have to pretend like we are fancy or something?" We have this argument EVERY TIME they have to dress up for anything. It's super annoying.

I went into my bathroom to get dressed. When I emerged, my girls were dressed. My youngest was wearing a nice dress paired with BLACK COMBAT BOOTS and my oldest daughter was showing more cleavage than Jessica Rabbit.

They know. I have pretty low expectations but they know not to show up to Easter with combat boots and cleavage. NO, NO, NO. So we all had a huge argument and they went back to their rooms to change. They came out looking much better but were not happy. I got dirty looks. Again, I didn't give a shit.
                
On the way there, I gave the speech. "Make sure to be polite. Don't make any off-color remarks. If someone asks you a question you don't like, give a vague answer. Try to act happy and let's pretend like we like each other, okay?"

The girls nodded and my husband smirked. That's how we roll. Happy Belated Easter!

I'm Back

              
It's certainly been a while. For good reason. I have been in survival mode. Sure, it's been busy but it's more than that. I've been pulling into myself, gathering my inner strength, resting. This school year has not been easy for anyone in my household. I think I'm going to have PTSD. This was me at the start of the school year:
                           
This is me now at Spring Breaktime:
                            
I can't. WE just can't go on like this anymore. We have made the extremely difficult decision not to send my oldest daughter back to her school next year. I'm not sure about my youngest yet. I think it has almost killed me. I can't sleep. I wake up every night at 3 am in a cold sweat and can't get back to sleep. I'm breaking out. I'm just overall feeling stressed about the whole thing. I've prayed on it and think that is the right decision but it is not easy for many reasons.

Last night, I was just done. I was so tired and achy. I put on my sweats, pulled my hair into a ponytail and looked in the mirror. I am all pimply along my jawline, I've dark circles under my eyes. I've recently started sprouting random 2-inch long gray hairs in the middle of my forehead. Weird, right? They just show up overnight. I truly cannot believe my husband still wants to sleep with me.
              
I went downstairs and made myself a giant slice of chocolate cake. That wasn't it though- I pulled anything sugary out and spread it on the cake. Extra icing, caramel and chocolate syrup. I poured myself a big glass of milk and sat down on the couch next to my husband. He's not doing much better. He's back in school, work is busy. "Wanna watch Unsolved Mysteries?" He knows my heart. We shared the cake and watched our show and it was so nice. This is marriage - two tired, stressed out, fat parents sitting on the couch watching Robert Stack in a trench coat tell scary stories while sharing chocolate cake. That's romance.

                              
The kids...they're okay, I guess. My oldest is grounded for life right now. I took her phone and she is not allowed to have access to internet or any of her electronics. She is so pissed but is taking it well. She's been a lot more productive. She is the one who baked the chocolate cake we were eating.

Anyway, I have had her phone and every time she gets a text or a message - it pings. Since Saturday, she's had 3 boys ask her out. Since SATURDAY. The texts go something like this, "I really like you a lot. Will you go out with me?" Where the hell do they think they will go? I am so triggered. I texted them back. "My daughter is punished and doesn't have a phone and NO she is not allowed to go out with you." I like you a lot, yeah - I know what that means. Go take a cold shower and read the Bible or something. Am I allowed to say that to random kids? Probably not.

Even my 5th grader came home on Friday and said, "Yeah, this kid asked if I would be his girlfriend. I just laughed and said, "No way!" Well, way to let the kid down easy.  The hormones are just out of control. Christ Almighty!

As I was saying, my oldest has no electronics and she was trying to get us to give her one of our old phones so she can listen to music. Does she think I was born yesterday? I said, "I'll get you some music." I went into the garage and pulled out an old CD player with a radio tuner on the side. It's not even digital. I went into her room and set it down. She looked at me like I gave her an ancient relic. "I don't even know how to use this," she said, turning up her nose. "Well, you better figure it out because we gon party like it's 1999 up in here."
                       
She was crying. "I miss my friends. I need them." I rolled my eyes, "Write them a letter. That's what I did when I was your age."

She's accepted her fate and has learned how to use the radio and CD player. We were out and about today and stopped by a thrift store that had a bunch of CDs. "Ohhhh! Mom, can I get some CDs?" They were a buck so I said she could pick out a few. These were her selections:

                    
                           
                
                 

She has good taste in music. I hope she enjoys them because it's just her and that CD player until the end of the school year. As soon as the school year is over, we are leaving the country. I can't wait - I need it.