Sex Ed

It's sex ed week at school. That wonderful week at the end of the school year where the kids learn all the things. Of course, instruction is after lunch because we wouldn't want the kids talking about their new revelations over the lunch table. Sex ed is my soap box.

I've worked in women's health my entire career, over 10 years besides a short stint in hospice. I worked in public health for the first 5 of those years. I worked in a health department that offered nutrition education and supplementation services to pregnant women, new mothers, infants and children (that was my department), we did family planning services, STD testing for males and females, immunizations, and we had a separate teen clinic that provided exams, contraceptives, pregnancy testing, and STD testing for male and female teens. We kept very busy.

One day, in 2009, I was sitting at my desk and I pulled the next chart out of my box. I went to pull it up in my computer and the birthdate was 1997. I walked up to the front to the clerk and said, "Hey! This is wrong. I think this person is here for immunizations." She shook her head. "Nope. She's a prenatal." I called her back to my office with her mother. They both were quiet. I went through the things I needed to go through, gave recommendations and resources. She was 12 years old.

That was my first pregnant 12 year old, but it wouldn't be my last. It wasn't super common to serve a pregnant 12 or 13 year old. I might see 1-3 a year. It was always pretty upsetting to me. I'd see pregnant 14 and 15 year olds more commonly and would think how sad it was. Pregnant 16 and 17 year olds were just another day in the office. I wouldn't even blink.

I remember some of them so vividly. The 13 year old whose baby I helped with breastfeeding, the 16 year old who took a bus alone with her baby in the middle of the summer to get a breast pump to go back to high school, the blonde 17 year old with a baby with Down Syndrome, the 17 year old that gave birth to 2 babies in 12 months.

I never judged these girls, that was not my job. What was done was done. My job was to provide them and their families with resources and that's what I did. The same for my coworkers. They told terrifying stories- about  kids who went with untreated STDs because they were too afraid to tell anyone, kids coming in for HIV testing because they found out someone they had been with was positive. Scary stuff that public health workers deal with day in and day out. My work has definitely impacted how I feel about sex education and my views on sexuality in general.

Let's look at the statistics. It's estimated that 10-12% of middle school students are sexually active, that number jumps to 20-30% by the end of 9th grade, it continues to increase to over 50% by the end of senior year. Only about 60% of those report condom use every time, and about 20% used drugs or alcohol before their last sexual encounter. Unfortunately, most of the statistics surrounding the sexual activities of teens rely on surveys. Interestingly, teens are having less sex now than they were 20 years ago and the teen birth rate is down. During this time, access to pornography online has increased. Which is it's own separate issue. But this is the reality. It's alarming, but not surprising.

I had a 14 year old who had just had a baby come in with her mother for a postpartum visit. The mom was pissed, you could tell. I didn't blame her. Part of our screening was to ask about plans for contraception. So I was doing a normal visit and I said, "So, what type of birth control method are you planning to use?"
The mother said, "She doesn't need anything. She already learned her lesson."
COME ON LADY! We all know that sex is like Pringles.
                                       
That was a hard conversation. I was not in her shoes and I certainly could not imagine what she was going through but I was real with her. "Look, I know this isn't easy but it has already happened. Unless you can be with her 24 hours a day, you could find yourself in this position again 2 years from now. It happens all the time." We talked about it for a little while and she definitely felt like putting her on birth control would essentially be giving her permission to do it. But she didn't need permission. You know how many people start having sex after getting permission from their parents? F*cking no one. Maybe someone but that's not a thing. As much as we would like it to be a thing. It's not. She did wind up making a family planning appointment for her kid.

The saddest one was a 15 year old girl I worked with for almost 4 months. She was smart and had a very supportive mother. She made a mistake. I went to her house for a home visit once and she was alone with the baby. She had the baby in a front carrier and she was sitting at her computer doing school work. She had to change the baby and I followed her to her bedroom so I could do my visit. I walked in and it was a little girl bedroom. Pink, with trophies on her dresser, stuffed animals everywhere. There were Barbie sheets on her bed. I was so overcome with sadness.

I thought about the boy. He did the deed too. But here was this girl at 15, doing school at home alone and taking care of baby but he got to be at school. He was getting to live a normal life, he wasn't tied down, he was probably flirting with girls and going out with friends. Forever, she will live with the stigma of that. She'll be looked down on when she's a 30 year old and has a 15 year old. People will view her differently. The stakes for girls is so high, the burdens so much to bear. It's unfair. We exist in a world where boys are Gods and girls are sluts.

So many girls have been there. Even me. I remember being 15 and at a party. There was a boy that I liked, he may or may not have been my boyfriend, my memory is a little fuzzy. We snuck off to the edge of the woods to kiss. I don't know how long we were gone, it was just one of those things you do when you were young. Long story short, a rumor went around school that we had slept together at this party. Although, I don't think the boy started the rumor, I'm pretty sure he didn't deny it. I was mad about it, but even then I understood it. Because boys were Gods and girls were sluts.

People asked me about it. Literally came up to my face and were like, "I heard you had sex with so and so." I was absolutely mortified. I denied it, of course, because it wasn't true. But I had gone to the edge of the woods with him, and I had let him put his tongue in my mouth so there were elements of truth in the story. I realized that it didn't matter if I denied it or not. I felt like no one would believe me. So, I stopped denying it. I think I told people it was really small or something. It was the only power I had to fight back with. I didn't understand why anyone cared in the first place. It was unfair but it happens all the time.

I tend to be a little sensitive about it and I am very against anything that demonizes female sexuality and I will not tolerate the words hoe, slut or whore in my presence. My kids know how I feel about it. I will call people out if I see it happening. As a matter of fact, recently I took a kid home from school and this conversation happened.

Kid: *vents about day" And then so-and-so. She's such a whore.
Me: Really? A whore? Why is that?
Kid: Because she had sex with like, 2 people.
Me: So that makes her a whore? So anyone that's had sex with 2 people is a whore?
Kid: I mean, no.
Me: How do you know that she actually had sex with 2 people? Where you there?
Kid: No. So-and-so told me.
Me: So-and-so was there?
Kid: No.
Me: Then how do you know it's true?
Kid: I guess I don't.
Me: And if was true, and you think she is a whore, what about the boys she was with? Are they whores too?
Kid: *long pause* I guess.
Me: Is it really any of your business what she does?
Kid: No, the thing is that she is just so rude to me.
Me: Okay. So next time, just say so-and-so is so rude to me and never call a girl a whore ever again.
Kid: Uggghh, ok.

You don't have to do anything at all to be labeled a whore or a slut. Kiss a boy, wear a short skirt, be the girl that some boy likes and another girl is jealous, have a rumor spread about you. That is what it's like to be a girl.

I went off on a tangent. Our experiences shape our attitudes about these things. Because I have worked in this field for so long, I am totally comfortable talking about this stuff with my kids. I just think sex is something that humans do. I don't have a lot of hang ups about it. I think our society is so jacked up because sex is everywhere. There is sex is movies, in every song, in the media and yet we don't always do a great job as parents talking to our kids about sex.

I'm not sure why this is. Because we are afraid, we want to keep them innocent, we are uncomfortable....the truth of the matter is, we have to talk to our kids about sex because EVERYONE ELSE is. They are getting bombarded all the time with it. Most sex talks look like this: "Don't do it until you are married or make sure you always use a condom." Well, okay.

But what if they decide not to wait or what about the fact that condoms are only 99% effective if used correctly? Like, you need to know about the reservoir tip, proper application, and storage. So, for most kids that's it. They get 2 days of sex ed in school per year and the -don't do it, but if you do- speech once. Are we REALLY okay with that?

The truth of the matter is that one day all of them will be sexually active adults. Every person. Sex is a normal part of a healthy life. I think it's important to be sexually literate. ONE DAY they will have to know. I would 100% rather have them learn about these things from us than everyone else. I have seen first hand what happens when you say and do nothing.  So, at my house, we cover it it all. It's not taboo. We aren't weird, we don't have Kama Sutra posters on our wall or anything but we are kind of ho-hum about it. It's not a big deal, ask us anything and we'll give honest answers. We don't necessarily have formal conversations all the time. There are opportunities all around us. We were listening to the radio and there was a song that went something like, "Don't pick up the phone, because you know you'll wind up in his bed by the morning....." Really? I laughed. "Wow. This lady has very little self control. Sound like she needs a vibrator and an accountability partner."

Or if there is a sexy scene in a show we're watching I might say, "Women deserve orgasms too!" or "Never do anything for a boy that he wouldn't do for you." My kids are like, "Gross, mom! You can't say that." My husband just sits there like:
                          
My favorite is: "Remember kids, it's not cool if your parents are doing it!" hahahahaha. For real, if you watch movies you'd think that only good-looking, young people are having sex. It seems so glamorous. That is not real life. They need to know that.

We have real conversations too. When my kid's bus driver was arrested for knocking up an 8th grader (yeah, that happened) it was quite the story and kids were talking about it. There were a few kids at my house and the subject came up and one of the kids asked, "Why is it rape if she wanted to do it?"

That opened the door for us to have a really good conversation about consent and consent laws and how they can protect children. At that time, it was appropriate. Teenagers need to know consent laws. They need to know what it means to give consent. We talk to them endlessly about how to say no to sex but almost never about how to say yes and what happens when you say yes to sex.

Conversations need to be tailored to individual kids because everyone develops at different rates and kids have different demeanors. The sex education needs of a 13 year old that is growing a beard and has the voice of Barry White are going to be different than the 13 year old that just sprouted his first armpit hair. It's going to be different for the 14 year old that started her period at 10 than the 14 year old girl that started her period at 13. Maybe your child isn't into members of the opposite sex at all- then you might need to have a different conversation with them all together. That's okay. You have to know your kid and meet them where they are at.

Teens need to be aware of the risks and dangers of sex and how to protect themselves from STDs and pregnancy, including abstinence. We focus so much on the physical aspects of sex but they need to know about the emotional impacts. It's so much easier to protect your body than your heart. We need to talk to them about the hook-up culture and what healthy relationships look like. We need to model that in our own relationships. We need to balance messages of dangers with positive messages about sex.

Sex is not inherently bad or dangerous but the consequences of it can be life altering. It also is a wonderful thing. Definitely makes the top 3 list.

I believe that sex should be safe, sober, legal, consensual, and mutually enjoyable. Those are my individual values and these are the things that we talk about. I might be super progressive and your values and thoughts about sex might be different. That's okay. What's more important is that you share your values and thoughts with your kids because I can guarantee you that the world is sending them messages that might not be in line with that. If it makes you uncomfortable, utilize books or Youtube videos, or just send them to my house with a condom and a banana.

I don't really know the right answer. I'm not saying that the way I'm handling things with my kids is the right way but I do know it's right for OUR family. I can tell you with 100 certainty what is wrong- not saying anything at all.

I'll get off my soapbox now.