We've been in self-quarantine for 26 days now with no end in sight. This week, I think I hit my point of no return. At the beginning of all of this, I made the assumption that it would get easier as time went on. But I was epically wrong. I've simply become more and more numb inside as the days go on.
On the surface, all is well. Certainly, we are much better off than some. We have our jobs and our health. The kids are easy. We are enjoying our time together. We are lucky. In some ways, that makes it worse. The guilt. When there is suffering and death all around but you are okay. I went to pick-up groceries yesterday and all the stores and restaurants were closed. I thought of everyone who has lost their jobs. I can't even read about the death toll anymore. My heart hurts so bad.
I am trying to come to terms with the many things we will miss in the coming months. The kids aren't going back to school for the rest of the year. They haven't announced it yet, but I know this will be case. I can't imagine any scenario where they would. We aren't supposed to peak here for weeks. My daughter is moving to Greenville in the fall (maybe, will this be over then?). She will never play with her band again, or drive to school, or eat lunch in the courtyard with her friends. There will be no prom. We already brought her dress. She looked so beautiful in it. Josh was trying to convince his mother to drive the BMW. They were supposed to have fancy dinner, and have pictures taken downtown, and then dance the night away. Her dress is still at the tailor. Not that it even matters. She is holding up okay. She mostly just wants to sleep, and I let her. I don't blame her at all. She comes down in the evening and participates in games or whatever activity I've planned to distract us. She is not happy but she does what she has to do every day.
And my youngest. This is her 8th-grade year. The end of the year for them is so fun. They are the oldest group and have survived the hell that is middle school. There are celebrations and goodbyes. This is their last slice of childhood before high school. I remember sitting in the awards ceremony my oldest daughter's 8th-grade year and the principal said, "These kids come in here as boys and girls and they leave as young men and women." There will be no awards ceremony for my baby. She got straight As all year, she is a junior scholar, she is so smart and amazing and I am so sorry that the best time in middle school will be taken away from her.
The last day of school, when school lets out, the principal rings the bell at the front of the school. He pulls this long rope and it "gongs" as the children stream out of the school, chatting excitedly, ready for the summer break. I fear this year will be silent.
I wonder things like, how will the kids clean out their lockers? They have things at school. There was no warning. Will it be some stuffy day in July? Will they let them in and grab their sweaters, gel pens and memories?
I don't think my youngest will get to go to Governor's School in June. I'm hoping and praying but they haven't sent the email for us to pay yet and I know that means it is up in the air. She was so looking forward to it. It will crush her.
We won't be going to Italy. That is the biggest sting of all. We've been planning and saving for this trip for over two years. It's paid for. I should be able to get credit. I'll just push it to next year. I've been so looking forward to it. I can't even think about it right now. I can't process it. My disappointment is deep as the ocean. I've been watching Italy this whole time and I feel terrible for the people there. It is worse than a nightmare. I literally cannot breathe, if I think about it. The past few days I've been having horrible panic attacks. I can feel them coming, like a wave crashing into me. They haven't been bad like this in almost 20 years.
I have a panic attack if I think about anything in the future. I just can't. People are asking me about things that are supposed to be coming up, changes that need to be considered, plans that need to be made. I can't bring myself to go there. I am completely in survival mode now. I can only think about today. How am I going to get through the day? What things do I need to do? What shred of hope can I hold onto? What can bring me joy?
You would think that ME of all people would be okay. In my life there were no school trips away, no graduation from high school, no graduation from college, no wedding, no honeymoon..... No events or celebrations for major life milestones? Crushing disappointment? Life being weird and not normal? Those are things that I am intimately familiar with. I trained for this my entire life. Shit, this should be my Olympics. But it's not. It surprises me and makes me angry at myself.
When I was young, I learned not to look forward to or get excited about anything. It was a defense mechanism. It protected me from the inevitable disappointment. I feel like that right now. I'm not looking forward to anything. I am simply waking up and going through the motions. I did that for YEARS of my life. In some ways, it is like being home again, but like if your home was shitty and terrible. It's better though because my house is harmonious and I have my family here. It is helping.
I think it's the hardest for my husband. The quarantine doesn't bother him, he could probably do this forever, but he can't stand to see me like this. I can never fool him. He knows that I am sad. Completely devastated. I am usually the positive, jovial one. There is nothing that he can do and he hates that. He is always asking me if I'm okay, multiple times a day. Hopeful, that just one time I will say that I am. But I will not lie to him. I say, "No, not at all," calmly and resolutely. He frowns. He hovers around me. I think he is trying to make me feel better, to make sure I am alright. I think he believes I am fragile and could shatter into a million tiny pieces at any minute. And maybe he is right.
I am not okay. I also know it's okay to not be okay. I hate people saying, "Look on the bright side." Gee, Karen! Why didn't I think of that?!?!? You must be some kind of prophet. Your wisdom astounds me. Right now I am not okay. I am angry, I am sad, I am disappointed, I am panicked, I hate pretty much everything, and getting out of bed every day seems like a chore. But, I also know that I will be okay. That this will pass. Every storm runs out of rain eventually. We are alive, and healthy, and have much to be grateful for. One day, this will be a painful and distant memory. I will forget it. I've been keeping a daily account of my day because I know that I will block out this time. I do that with all of my painful memories, I extract them from my brain completely. There are whole parts of my life I don't remember, people that I've forgotten. Bad memories are like cancer. They serve no purpose but if you let them stay long enough, they will spread into the healthy parts. Once this is over, I will bury this time deep, deep inside of me never to see the light of day ever again.
There is nothing to do now. Just wait and pray and survive.
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