I had a vision of what Halloween would be like. I would wake up early to get my grocery shopping out of the way. I would light a pumpkin candle and listen to the Monster Mash as I carved pumpkins with the children who would laugh and be in good spirits. After dinner they would get into their costumes and run excited out the door, pillowcases in hand for a night of trick or treating. I would smile to myself and feel like an awesome, amazing mother.
Reality gave me a bitch slap on Halloween. I woke up and realized that the house was a mess. I cleaned it and then went to the grocery store. I came home and unloaded the groceries and was still feeling confident that the day would go as planned.
I set two large pumpkins on the dining room table and told the kids to put on their costumes for a trunk or treat that we were attending in the afternoon. They ran off and I prepared lunch. My 9 year old came down in her costume with a frown in her face. "I hate this costume and I don't want to wear it!" she declared.
What the hell. "What's wrong with it?"
She started to cry, "I just hate it. I wanted you to get me the other one we saw online."
She wanted me to buy her a $75 costume and she settled on the $40. Big problem.
She cried for 20 minutes. I told her to get out of my face. I was so irritated. I told her to find another costume. I purchased a pirate costume for the Disney cruise I'm taking these ungrateful kids on in a few weeks and she refused, declaring, "I hate that costume too." Lord give me strength.
Finally I got down to her level to reason with her. "Why do you hate your costume so much?"
She sniffled, "I hate the wig. It gets in my face, the sleeves are itchy and it's Monster High and everyone is going to laugh at me because Monster High is so childish."
Yes, it is. You are a 9 year old CHILD.
Before I knew it I was CUTTING the sleeves off of this expensive-ass costume and stripping it of all of it's Monster High paraphernalia. On Halloween. The day of. I told her not to wear the wig. Finally, the costume was acceptable. Trunk or treating wound up getting canceled after the whole ordeal. Whatever.
We carved the pumpkins to settle down. My oldest daughter had a friend over who helped. They scooped and got their hands all gooey and helped me sort out the seeds for roasting. That's when there was a knock at the door.
I went over and there were two boys on my front stoop, their bikes were parked in the driveway. "Is C here?" I was like:
I didn't say hell though. I said, "You know my daughter?"
The tall boy nodded. "Yes ma'am."
"What's your name?"
"E."
"You're in 6th grade?"
"I am, he's in seventh," he replied, pointing at his friend.
I looked at him sideways.
"You behave yourself?"
He nodded. "Yes, ma'am."
I yelled for my daughter who emerged with her friend. "You have someone here to see you. Stay in the front yard."
The four of them stood in the yard. Talking. I sat on the couch and glanced out the window every other second. I turned to my husband. "Boys showed up to the house to see our daughter. Boys taller than me."
He laughed, "It's the worst."
She came in a little while later. "Can E come trick or treating with us?"
"Sure."
"Can you call his mom?"
So I called his mom and told her the more the merrier. I will always let the kids have their friends with us. That's how I keep an eye on them.
Soon it was time to get ready for trick or treating. I did my 9 year old's makeup. Another 11 year old came over and the 3 girls went upstairs to get ready. After awhile my 11 year old came downstairs. She was wearing a dress, sneakers and make up on her face. Like, normal makeup.
"Where's your costume?"
She smiled to reveal fangs. "I'm a vampire."
"You need to put blood on your face and dark under your eyes or something. If you are trick or treating you need to wear an actual costume."
She pouted and went back upstairs. She came down a short time later and looked exactly the same.
"Where is your costume?"
She brushed her hair aside to show me two small black dots on her neck. "I have bite marks."
I lost my shit. "IF YOU ARE TRICK OR TREATING YOU NEED TO PUT SOMETHING ON YOUR FACE!!!! IT'S HALLOWEEN. YOU NEED TO WEAR A COSTUME!"
She gave me a dirty look and said -actually said- "I don't like you."
"The feeling is mutual," I yelled as she stomped up the stairs.
She came back down and had drawn what looked like stitches around her lips and cheeks. I was so pissed at her I was red. I growled at her through clenched teeth, "I hope people deny you candy for your half-assed costume." Bad Mom Award. I also refused to take her picture by herself. Terrible.
The three boys showed up and we met up with our group. It started off great. We were hitting every house and people had gone all out. Haunted houses, people chasing kids with chainsaws. It was epic. By the end of the night we were walking around with 6 sixth graders, a seventh grader and my fourth grader. The older kids were being loud and obnoxious. We constantly had to remind them to walk on the sidewalk and not the street.
My husband and I were under the impression that the kids just wanted to be hit by cars. Once you hit puberty your self preservation side of your brain just goes to shit. That's the only explanation.
By the time we got home, I was so done. My jack-hole kids REFUSED to give up ONE piece of candy. Not one. My husband ran to the store to get us drinks. I had a margarita and plopped my tired butt on the couch to watch Beetlejuice. I feel asleep before it was over. You know, because yelling at kids is exhausting. Happy Halloween!
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