Things got back to normal pretty quickly at our house following our eventful Saturday. The following day we had dinner together which is a rare event. The kids have some kind of activity in the evenings on Monday-Thursday and most Fridays. We sat around and talked and enjoyed each other's company. Then my oldest said, "Did you guys know that there are clowns that are trying to lore people into the woods around here and rape them?"
"What?"
"For real. Kayla said she saw one. She ran inside her house."
My 10 year old sat there quietly but her face said it all. She was scared.
She hates clowns. HATES them. She can't walk past the clown mask section in the Halloween store without crying and having a panic attack. The fact that they are trying to lore people into the woods is secondary to her.
I tried to alleviate her fears, "I think that is an urban legend. If that was happening around here, I'm sure we'd be alerted." My husband piped in, "No. I think it is actually a real thing. I heard about it in the news."
I motioned to my younger daughter and shot him a dirty look.
Seriously?!?! You suck as a person.
I responded, "Well, I would suggest that you never go near the woods. Now let's stop talking about clown rapists." Then I casually took a bite of my chicken.
That, ladies and gentleman, is the type of conversation that you might hear at the dinner table at my house. Which explains why we don't have a lot of friends.
After dinner, it was time for my oldest to take her antibiotic. She flat out refused. "This tastes disgusting. I'm not going to take it."
"Dude, you have to take it. You were just in the hospital. You are GOING to take it!"
She would bring the medicine cup up to her lips and then start dry heaving. She was being dramatic and having a complete overreaction. She deserved an Oscar for her performance. I sat across from her and rolled my eyes.
Then she cried for 10 minutes. Not a quiet, weeping cry but the kind of tantrum that you would expect from a two year old who just got their candy taken away. If she were younger and smaller, I would have physically restrained her and just squirted it down her throat and been over with the ordeal. Not an option anymore -the child is taller than me.
I tried to reason with her. "Look, just hold your nose and take it like a shot."
"I'm 12! I don't DO shots!!!!" she yelled. Good point. I should have thought of that.
I poured cranberry juice into a medicine cup and sat across from her. "Look, I'll show you." Not that I'm an expert. I've only taken like, 6 shots total in my entire life. "It'll be like practice for college. Just kidding, don't drink alcohol." Worst mom ever.
I held my nose and downed my juice. "See how I just did it all at once?" Now your turn. She held her nose and brought the cup to her mouth. She grimaced and chickened out. "I'm not going to do it! Get me pills."
I finally just gave up. I decided to call the pharmacy in the morning. I did call the pharmacy and the lady on the other line said, "Yeah. It does taste really gross. Do you want to bring it back in and we can flavor it for you?"
Really? You people knew it is horrible tasting and was prescribed to a child yet you didn't offer me that option while I was there? Buttholes. If I was still working and had to work in this extra errand into my day, I would have had a full-on melt down. I decided that I would swing by before picking my youngest up at gymnastics that evening.
That afternoon, I picked the kids up at school and dropped Kid 1 at band practice and Kid 2 at gymnastics. Kid 2 was being horrible, having an attitude about nothing as usual. I almost threw her butt out of my car. I was on my way home to make dinner when my phone rang. It was my oldest child. She sounded annoyed.
"Mom! You didn't pack me any socks in my bag."
"You told me you only needed shorts."
"NO! I said socks AND shorts. You never listen to me."
"Well, sorry. I'm not bringing you socks. You will live."
You want to know what she said to me? "Ugggh! You suck at being a mom today!"
She's lucky she wasn't standing in front of me. "I'm hanging up the phone now."
"No! Mom, I love you."
"Good bye."
"You're not going to say 'I love you too?'"
"No."
"MOM!"
"I'm not going to say it because apparently I suck at being a mom today."
"I'm sorry. You don't suck."
"Whatever. I love you." *click*
I went home and had dinner with my husband - the one person in the house that tolerates my shortcomings. Afterwards, I ran to Publix to get my daughter's medicine flavored. It cost $4 for the flavoring. I should have gone into the medicine flavoring business.
While I was there, I had to get some groceries. I was cutting it close. I had gymnastics pick up in 25 minutes. I decided I would let the bagger bring my groceries to my car to help speed up the process. We could tag team. WRONG.
This old man, bless his heart. Slow as molasses. I walked outside and he followed behind, leisurely pushing the cart and looking up at the sky. You are not a meteorologist, let's get a move on. I walked briskly to my car, checking the clock on my phone every so often. This man stopped in the middle of the parking lot with my f**king cart to talk to a random lady. I have places to be. WTF? I was trying so hard not to be a bitch. I waved my arms at him, to say over here. He moseyed on over at last and I told him I could load my own groceries. He made me, like 5 minutes later than I needed to be. NEVER AGAIN.
I drove like hell to make it across town to pick up my daughter. She sat down in the car and looked at me disapprovingly. "You're 3 minutes late." I sighed. "I know, I suck at being a mom today."
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