Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Too Embarrassing to Exist

                                 Image result for tweens funny
My 5th grader is going through the stage where the fact that I exist is horribly embarrassing to her. It's creating a big problem. I can't even BREATHE without being criticized by her or having her roll her eyes at me.

The other day she had an orthodontist appointment. I picked her up from school and she plopped down in the front seat. I smiled and was happy to see her. "How was your day?" I asked. That was it. She rolled her eyes at me, "Why do you always ask me so many questions?!?!" Then she stuffed her headphones into her ears so she wouldn't have to subject herself to the music that I selected. You know, because the music I listen to is "old people crap."

We got to the orthodontist office and I signed her in. "Go brush your teeth," I instructed.
She sighed, "I know what to do, you don't need to tell me."
No, I do need to tell you because if you knew you needed to do it then why are you standing next to me and not actually doing it?

I sat down in the waiting room and she walked right past me and sat 2 chairs away. Rude. "Hey, I had some ideas for your Halloween costume. Do you want to come see?"
She shot me a look but did come sit down next to me.

For Halloween, she wants to be a Steampunk Harley Quinn. For those of you who aren't complete nerds the definition of steampunk is as follows: Steampunk is a subgenre of science fiction or science fantasy that incorporates technology and aesthetic designs inspired by 19th-century industrial steam-powered machinery.

You can't just buy a steam punk Harley Quinn costume for a kid. They don't exist. I pulled up a costume on my phone and showed her the embellishments I planned to do. "So, we'll order the dress and then get some steampunk goggles. I'm going to make a black, leather corset belt thing and embellish it with gears, we'll get a Victorian choker and then do gears on your wristlets and boots."

I'm going all in with the steampunk Harley Quinn and she seemed glad about it but she kept saying, "You're too loud. You need to talk quieter."
"I'm whispering."
"You're not whispering soft enough. You're embarrassing."

Then she got up and sat on the other side of the waiting room, as far away from me as possible. That's how it is, make your own costume.

While we waited for her to be called back, I people watched. There was a mom sitting across from me filling out paperwork. Her son, who was 11 or 12 was sitting a few seats away. At least I wasn't the only one. He had a look on his face like everything was horrible. It was a grumpy tween face.

The mom was just sitting there, acting normal and just being human. Another child sat down near her. He had a balloon with the name Nicholas scrawled across it in magic marker. "My son is Nicholas too!" the mom remarked to the boy with the balloon.

Her son recoiled. He looked like he wanted to kill himself. He was scanning the room for sharp objects, I'm sure. How dare his mother SPEAK? That is just unacceptable. She is obviously the WORST.

His mother had a defeated look on her face. I wanted to hug her. We have a lot in common. Here we were, sitting in an orthodontist office to whom we pay thousands of dollars so our children can have nice smiles and they won't even smile at us. We both have pubescent children who are ungrateful jerks. I wanted to invite her over, become friends, exchange war stories. Instead, I just gave her a closed mouth smile. I think she understood.

 My oldest child loves it. Whenever the 10 year old is giving attitude, she smirks like I'm the good child in this house. I am always quick to put her back in her place. "You turned into a demon in fifth grade and I disliked you immensely." She started turning back into a normal human being about 9 months ago, so I'm thinking there is hope for my youngest. If not, there's always margaritas.

No comments:

Post a Comment