Rambling

My ass is tired. Not just tired, EXHAUSTED. My husband was in Germany for 2 weeks for work, so I've been a one-man show. He just got back last Friday night and is leaving today and won't be back until Thanksgiving. Boo! I have a brand new respect for single mothers (and fathers, I'm equal opportunity). I seriously don't know how people do it on their own long-term. That sh*t is hard.
                                    
                                    Single parents - the real MVPs!

It's was an especially crazy few because we had a Halloween, I took my daughter to Charlotte to see the US gymnasts, a state marching band competition, I had a bunch of meetings to attend (note to self: stop being involved in things), a sick dog and all the other every-day soul sucking sh*t like making meals, trying to keep the house clean, shuffling the kids to activities, my kids having their usual nervous breakdowns about nothing....

It was difficult keeping in touch with my husband because the time difference was brutal. His work schedule was crazy and the times when he could call did not jive with our schedule. He'd be trying to Facetime me at 4 o'clock in the afternoon. I was shuffling the kids around and trying to start dinner. "Can you call me back in 3 hours?" I asked. "The kids aren't even home."
"It's going to be 1 am. I'll be sleeping."
"Can you just call on Saturday?"
"That's in 3 days."
So, basically - I'm an asshole. I know that I am.

He'll be on eastern standard time for this trip, so it will be better. Regardless, it's been nice to have him home this week.

Things have felt out of synch. It's been busy and he's been adjusting to being back in the states. The kids had off from school on Tuesday which threw me for a loop. All week, I've been like, What day is it?

The children have been well. My youngest is getting ready for her first gymnastics competition of the season next week so she's been on edge. She's been all over the place. She's up and down, sweet and evil, happy and sad all at once. Holy hormones, Batman!

There is a new boy hanging around my house. T-man is has been out of the picture for quite a few weeks now. On Friday, I came home from dropping off my youngest from gymnastics and noticed a pair of large, red Air Jordans sitting by my front door. I walked in to my living room and there was my husband on the sofa across from my daughter and a boy on the love seat.
                           
"Hey mom!" my daughter grinned. I gazed over at the boy. I know this kid. Let's call him Blue Eyes. Nice looking kid, smart, comes from a good family. I know his mother.

"Hello, Blue Eyes."
"Hello."
"Would you like anything? A bottle of water? A snack?"
"No, ma'am."
I knew with every shred of my being that there was no way in hell that his mother knew that he was in my house, sitting on my couch next to my daughter at 4 pm in the afternoon. She would have called, verified that adults were home, had a discussion about it with me.
"So, Blue Eyes - does your mom know you are here?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Are you sure?"
He looked really nervous. "Yes."
"Are you telling me the truth? You are absolutely sure she knows you are at a GIRL'S house right now?"
He nodded, "Yes. I texted her but I am going to another friend's house after this."

He left a short time later. I turned to my daughter, "Did his mom really know?"
She shrugged, "I think so."
             

The next day, we attended a community event and I ran into his mother. Sure enough, she had no idea that he was at my house. DON'T TRUST KIDS. It is not my intention to get kids in trouble but moms of older kids HAVE GOT to look out for each other. If someone sees my kids doing something they're not supposed to be doing or being somewhere they aren't supposed to be - I hope they tell me. We live in such a small community that it is hard to get away with anything. I'm sure they still will because, let's face it, kids are sneaky and manipulative - but it does make it harder.

I know people think that I shouldn't let my daughter hang out with boys. I get judged. I have always told my children that anyone is allowed in my home, if there is a parent home. I don't care who they are or what they look like. Boys, girls, kids with blue hair. Kids whose parents might have different values from my own. Everyone is welcome in my house. I will feed them and be kind to them. As my kids get older, and become teenagers - I want my house to be a hangout. A safe place for my kids and their friends. I would much rather have that then my kid in someone else's house- or an empty house for that matter.

That means that sometimes there are boys that sit on my couch next to my daughter. That means that sometimes there are screaming girls upstairs, making messes. That means we might have 18 little girls sleeping over on New Years Eve. That means that 3 teenagers might show up at my doorstep within an hour of us getting home from evacuating from a hurricane.

I understand how important friend's are at this age. That is how it works. All of my daughters friends are turning 13 and she'll be a teenager in 8 months herself. That is weird to think about- ME having a teenager. I'm not dreading it though. I think it will be fascinating to watch my daughters come of age. Especially because this time will parallel my own transitions.

I am definitely experiencing my own identity crisis right now. I have surrendered myself to it and pray for answers to be revealed to me. I definitely struggle with balancing my own needs with those of my children. As my children have gotten older, it has challenged my ideas of who I am as a mother, and what my role is. What was once black and white is now gray. There is this pushing and pulling that I never had anticipated. I struggle with who I want to be, and how to balance motherhood with being a wife and a professional woman. I struggle with the fact that I assumed this parenting gig would get easier as time went on. I thought I would have things figured out by now. I struggle with being a failure at not being able to figure out how to have it all. I've been blindsided by how much my children need me as they've gotten older. It's like being broken up into different pieces and trying to figure out how they all fit together.

This motherhood gig is beautiful and wonderful but it certainly isn't easy.