It's easy to feel judged when you are a new mother. Everyone has a different parenting philosophy and they think theirs is the best. You have the breastfeeding nazis and the unapologetic formula feeders, the working moms and the stay at home moms, the co-sleeping moms and the strict scheduling moms.....it is all so exhausting and you constantly feel like you have to justify your decisions.
The way we chose to raise our children is slightly non-traditional. We always were really into gentle parenting and natural consequences which means that we didn't spank our kids, do time outs or "punish" them in a traditional sense. That's not to say that they have NEVER been spanked in their lives but it is VERY rare for us to put our hands on them and we are not really big yellers either. We believe very strongly in natural consequences.
For instance, when they were younger, if they didn't pick up their toys, those toys would go away for a while. If you refuse to put on your jacket, the natural consequence is that you will be cold. If they were acting like a**holes, the natural consequence is that you will have to go somewhere alone and work out your feelings until you are not an a**hole anymore. I don't need to spank you or sit you in the corner, you live and you learn.
We encouraged our children to be independent but we also have always been accessible to them. I never spoonfed my kids. When they were learning to eat, I put food down in front of them and let them eat with their hands and then they learned to eat with their own spoon. I switched them to open top cups as soon as they could drink out of them. I let them play alone and entertain themselves. I allowed them to do things on their own and help me with things. Sure, it made life messier and was sometimes inconvenient but that's how they learn.
We tried to make them independent but I nursed them until they were 2, we allowed them to co-sleep with us until they decided they didn't want to anymore (which was 8 and 9 years old), I carried them alot.
We have always spoken to our children honestly and directly. I never spoke baby talk to them, we told them the correct terms for their body parts, we always let them know that they could tell us ANYTHING and I have always been honest with them and tried to explain things in age appropriate ways. They sometimes asked hard questions -Do kids die? Why do some parents leave? Where do babies come from?
I never shied away from their hard questions and I never acted freaked out. I always told the truth to them. I have made great efforts to speak to them like fellow human beings - to not condescend them and to take their opinions into consideration. They've helped make family rules, they get a say in the big things and little things. While my husband and I have ultimate veto power, they get a say too. We've worked to build a relationship on mutual respect. We are not because-I-said-so kind of parents. I will always explain the reasoning behind why I do things - not because I have to but because I would like the same respect paid to me. I never felt like I needed to control them. I am not a dictator. I am a mother, a teacher, a guide.
We always wanted our kids to know they could do anything. They had dolls, toy kitchens and "girlie toys" but also Lincoln Logs, a play tool set, a dump truck, a doctors kit. We exposed them to Barbies and comic book characters. We rarely "no" to fun things. I let them play in the rain, take off their shoes and walk in the grass, I let them stay up late to watch fireworks, I took them to museums and fancy restaurants. We've lived in their kid world but we also have let them tag along in our grown up world.
I can't even tell you how much sh*t I had to hear about it. My kids are never going to independent, they are going to commit crimes because I don't spank them, I'm going to need to get the breastfeeding mom dorms when they go away to college....
That is how we have chosen to raise our children. Does that mean that I think the way we are raising them is the best way to raise kids and that people that raise their kids differently than us are doing it wrong? NO WAY. It is the best way for OUR family and it is the only way that I know how to be.
I felt less judged during the elementary school years because a lot of the things that matter in the early years don't matter as much but as my kids have been creeping up in age, I definitely feel more judged.
I was at a friend's house the other day and I was telling a story about my children or one of their friend's. My friend (who reads my blog) was laughing and said, "Why don't you blog about this stuff?"
For many reasons, because I value the privacy of my children and their friends. Some things are off limits and also, I don't want to be judged.
I've lived in the teenage world for a little while. My daughter is one of the last of her classmates to turn 13 and she has a lot of friends the grade above her so most of her friends are getting ready to turn 14 and 15. Here is a small sampling of actual things I have heard come out of actual middle schooler's mouths:
"You got margaritas?"
"So....there was this 5th grader watching PornHub on the bus today."
"4:20 Blazin'!"
"What else are we supposed to do if they never let us be alone together?"
"Waterfalls of jizz...."
"Who wants to play 7 Minutes in...."
"Seventh graders at my school smoke weed but it's not even good weed though. I don't smoke but I'm probably going to vape."
"My dad says I have to be 21 to, you know, "do it", but I'm not going to follow that rule."
"Dude! There is a lady in the Guiness Book of World Records for most queefs in a row."
These statements may shock you and concern you. I am shocked sometimes, mostly fascinated. Teenagers have secrets, that should be no surprise. Speaking of teenagers secrets, I discovered these socks in my 13 year old's room the other day. She convinced some boy to buy them for her.
I let her keep them with the agreement that she only wear them in the house. Truly, socks with the word F*ck on them is not really a big deal to me in the grand scheme of things.
This is who my daughter is. She is the kind of person that would wear socks that say "My cat is cool as f*ck." I am under no delusions about who she is. People sometimes act like their kids are perfect and I'm over here like.
I do not allow my children to curse but do I think they drop the F bomb when they are alone with their friends? Of course they do. They all do. I'm almost 98% sure my 11 year old gives me the finger when I walk out of the room. I can't do anything about that.
I always have a chuckle when I'm among friends and I hear, "Kids today are BAD. I don't remember us being this bad when I was a kid."
WHAT?!?! The teenagers were HORRIBLE when we were that age, over 20 years ago now. I definitely knew kids who were experimenting with alcohol, marijuana, and smoking cigarettes. Every other word out of your friend's mouth was a curse word. Boys and girls were sneaking behind hot water heaters in friend's basements and getting to 2nd and 3rd base. We didn't have text messages but teenagers were sending some questionable sh*t through AOL messenger, and before that it was written notes. Kids have always figured out ways to communicate with their peers under the radar.
We can get on our high horse about how depraved our society is now and how things were so much more innocent back then but let me remind all the 80's babies that:
-In middle school, you walked around with your arms crossed above your crotch telling people to "suck it!"
-You slow danced with the opposite sex to "I'll Make Love to You" in the 6th grade.
- You may have drank a Seagrams when your parent's were asleep.
- You probably turned on channel 99 and watched scrambled porn with your friends after midnight and laughed when the picture became clear for half a second
- You may have discussed the president receiving a blow job in your high school history class.
- You coughed and sputtered when you tried to take a drag of your friend's cigarette
My point is not to say that all those things are okay, certainly we've been in a moral decline for decades. My father tells me INSANE stories about being a teenager in the 70's that makes my experiences seem tame. My point is that it's been the argument since the beginning of time. Every generation thinks the youth is more corrupt than they were.
1816- "The indecent foreign dance called the Waltz was introduced ... at the English Court on Friday last ... It is quite sufficient to cast one's eyes on the voluptuous intertwining of the limbs, and close compressure of the bodies ... to see that it is far indeed removed from the modest reserve which has hitherto been considered distinctive of English females...[Now that it is] forced on the respectable classes of society by the evil example of their superiors, we feel it a duty to warn every parent against exposing his daughter to so fatal a contagion."
1790- The free access which many young people have to romances, novels, and plays has poisoned the mind and corrupted the morals of many a promising youth; and prevented others from improving their minds in useful knowledge. Parents take care to feed their children with wholesome diet; and yet how unconcerned about the provision for the mind, whether they are furnished with salutary food, or with trash, chaff, or poison.
1926-...[The screen artists'] beauty, their exquisite clothing, their lax habits and low moral standards, are becoming unconsciously appropriated by the plastic minds of American youth.
1695- ... I find by sad Experience how the Towns and Streets are filled with lewd wicked Children, and many Children as they have played about the Streets have been heard to curse and swear and call one another Nick-names, and it would grieve ones Heart to hear what bawdy and filthy Communications proceeds from the Mouths of such...
It really is a tale as old as time. Some things are universal. It's just part of the human experience. Teenagers will always be misunderstood and parents will always be fighting the good fight to keep their offspring on the straight and narrow path.
Our kids don't think we understand what they are going through- and in a lot of ways they are right. Their world is so much different then the world was when we were coming of age, and our world was very different then the one our parent's experienced. It is the way it is, times change. The problem is not that we don't remember what it was like to be an adolescent but maybe that we remember TOO clearly and it scares us to death.
We often make our children pay the price for the mistakes of our youth. My own parents were very strict during my adolescence. They didn't want me to repeat their mistakes. I have a much better understanding of that now that I am a parent myself. While they were well-meaning, they held on to me so tightly that they squeezed the soul out of me. I nearly suffocated under the weight of the pressure.
My husband and I were both pretty good kids. My husband did some questionable things during his middle school years but in high school he stayed out of trouble completely. He just ate cheesesteaks and played video games until I came along and corrupted him. I had a terrible mouth but I was a good student. I never have tried drugs, I've never smoked pot ever in my life. I got drunk once with my cousin when I was 16 and never drank again until I was, like 26. I did like the boys a lot but that didn't make me a bad kid. That's just biology.
It definitely shaped who I am as a person, and also the way I have chosen to raise our children. Stay with me, people- this rambling will come full circle.
We have big kids now which means they have bigger problems. The consequences of their actions now can have long-lasting impacts. That being said, we still parent our children the way we always have. Which can be hard because everyone is watching and everyone is judging.
I don't expect my children to be perfect. These are the years that they will come of age. They will certainly make mistakes. You have to make mistakes- that's how you learn who you are, that's how you develop life skills. You live and you learn. Life will teach you lessons and these years will be full of them. They will fall in love and have their hearts broken. They will probably do and say things that I don't approve of. That's all par for the course.
They know right from wrong, they know our opinions and expectations on most everything. My job now is to provide them with healthy boundaries, keep them safe, pick my battles, provide them with opportunities to grow as individuals and love them.
I do not own my children. I can teach them and guide them but I don't control their thoughts and beliefs. They will have to gather their own life experiences and develop their own truths. They will make their own decisions about things. They will make their beds and lie in them. That's how this life thing works.
I know that people will judge me. They will judge the fact that I am allowing them to do online school, they judge me because I allow my daughter to participate in band with high schoolers, they will judge me because I let my daughter wear eyeliner and keep her f*ck socks, they will judge me for always speaking honestly about everything, they will judge me for not grounding and beating them them.....I could go on and on but like I said before, it becomes exhausting.
I just have to remind myself that this is how we are, it is the only way we know how to be, and we have done a damn good job so far. I don't have perfect children but I have amazing children.
I am worried but not WORRIED about the youth. I think they will be just fine. I think the kids nowadays are great. They are no better or worse than the generations before them. Many of them are smart, funny, and kind. I am encouraged and I think the future is bright. This generation will go on to do great things, they will do what all the people that came before them have done - "figure it out." Then, in 20-30 years, when their children come of age, they will lament about the moral degradation of society and reminisce about the innocence of their own youth.
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