Under Pressure

Everyone in my house is stressed out right now. I hate it so much. My husband has been crazy busy at work and he is ALMOST done school. This man is at the finish line. I need him to be done. Every spare minute he has the past 3 years is writing a paper or studying for a test. I feel bad for him. He's stressed.

 My oldest is in a bunch of clubs, we are in full audition season, she is taking Algebra 2 this semester and math is her kryptonite. I try to give her pep-talks every day. "Okay, I'm going to need you to not cry in math class today. Just try. Please." She is getting help from her former math teacher which is helping but the amount of homework has been off the chain. Honestly, f*ck Algebra 2. They need to replace Algebra 2 with Math in Life where they teach kids about mortgages, calculating interest, doing taxes and making budgets. Advanced math should be offered but advanced math is not for everyone. Advanced math was not for me. I feel for her. 

My youngest is stressed. She joined the track team. I am SUPER proud of her. She is a creature of habit and she really had to step out of her comfort zone. She really likes it. It's not track that's stressing her out though. It's school. Spanish is killing her softly. She gets upset if she doesn't have 98s or above. That is not coming from me. I'm over here like: a 91 is still an A, Bs are pretty good, Cs get degrees. The other night she was having a flip-out about school and I finally was like, "You are going to need better coping skills or to lower your standards." She hated me for saying that. She cannot take AP in high school. The level of suffering is high. 

I'm stressed but that is a constant state of existence for me. I have a zillion work projects, my house needs to be cleaned. My house is clean but it needs to be DEEP cleaned. Baseboards need to be repainted, carpets need to be steamed, the tile needs to be scrubbed. Uggggh. Everyone has had doctors appointment this month. We are going on our 9th appointment this upcoming week. Dentist appointments, eye appointments, orthodontist appointments, physicals.... There is the mental load of keeping track of upcoming events and making sure the household is running smoothly. Everyone being stressed out is stressing me out. This shit is wack. 

Yesterday was my birthday. I had a ton of things to do. I woke up just exhausted. My husband made breakfast and lunches and cleaned the kitchen for me because he is an actual saint. The kids were low-key grumpy. I was like, "Can I have one day a year where you are pleasant in the morning or is that a no?" That put me in a bad mood. I worked in the morning and then I needed to go to the grocery store. 

I got my list together and then I googled what kind of free shit I could get for my birthday. Moes gives you a free burrito on your birthday if you download their app. I did it, I put my birthday in. They never sent my reward for a free burrito. I was hardcore triggered. Never eating at Moes again.

I just wore my yoga pants and sweatshirt to the grocery store. I looked like a hobo but that's how I always look so whatever. On the way home, I stopped at the liquor store to get a gift for my friend. She has the same birthday as me and invited us over for steaks and boardgames. I go in and get her signature drink and went up to the cashier. 

I always get carded. Like 95% of the time. I like it. It appeals to my ego. This lady looked me up and down and said, "Okay. That will be $12." I slunk back to my car with my black bag feeling sorry for myself. I came home and unloaded the groceries. I was tired. 

I made myself lunch and then I decided I would fix a hot chocolate and read the news and take a little rest. I sat there feeling bad for myself. I look like an old hag, my kids don't appreciate me, I'm 36 and what am I doing with my life? My growing to-do list was looming over my head.....

Then I said, "F*ck this!" I decided I was going to shirk my responsibilities. I texted my friend and told her I was dressing up because I needed to feel pretty. That's what I did. I took a hot bath. I shaved my legs. I took a long nap. I put on a cute dress that I stole from my teenage daughter. It's actually mine because I purchased it so I didn't actually steal it. 

I did my hair and make-up. Then, I stood in front of the mirror and I studied my face. Is it the same face that it's always been? We change so slowly, how can one even tell? I have this line on my brow and some crows feet but I can see myself still. I felt pretty, like a woman. I never feel like a woman. I mostly just feel like a scullery maid. I'm a mom. I'm dedicated to that but sometimes I just want to be a sexy lady. Sometimes I just want to belong to myself. Does that make sense?

I came downstairs and my husband was rushing around loading things into the car. "I'm going to need you to stop what you are doing and tell me that I am beautiful." He put his arms around me and kissed me on the mouth. "You're always beautiful." 

I wouldn't say always, but husbands over time learn what they are supposed to say. We had steaks and asparagus with our friends and then cheesecake and cocktails for dessert. We played games and laughed. It was a nice, low-key night. In the end, my birthday was not complete garbage.

But today is a new day. Because I shirked my responsibilities yesterday afternoon, I now get to suffer all weekend. Oh well, it was kind of worth it.