Christmas has come and gone, as it does. It was a fine Christmas. My oldest worked on Christmas Eve so we stayed up late for her to watch a Christmas Story by the fire. They headed to bed around 11 and we played Santa. My husband was not helping me stuff stockings and I was annoyed. "This is your show. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it." So I did, and he did.
The kids were up around 8 and we were still in bed, which is unusual for us. They unwrapped their gifts and were teenagers about it. Not too excited, just very chill. Except when my oldest opened a box. "Whoa! $700?!?!?!"
"No, it says $100. I should have used a different font." Disappointment.
We had breakfast and did a puzzle. We had my brother for dinner. It was very low-key which was perfect. I enjoy spending time with my brother. He is my OG brother. Growing up, I kind of felt like it was the two of us against the world. We are very close and I just adore him. It was a different kind of Christmas. Not because of covid. Just because the kids are older. It's not the same. It's not so much of a production anymore. It's not bad, just different.
Now, we look forward to New Years. I always enjoyed New Years. I love reflecting on the past year and making plans for the years to come. This year is different. I am ready to close the book. I do not want to reflect back. It's too painful.
Sometimes, I think, I can imagine what life could have been. I see myself, sitting in the bleachers, cheering for my daughter as she soars over the pole vault bar. I imagine myself downtown with my oldest, taking pictures of her in her prom dress. I imagine accepting potluck dishes at the band banquets and hugging my mom-friends. I imagine my youngest, walking out to the field in her class tee-shirt to celebrate the last day of eighth grade with the friends she has grown up with, one of the last celebrations of childhood before high school. I image the sun shining on my face as I walk through Athens. I imagine unpacking my daughter's dorm room and hugging her goodbye. I imagine going to Greenville for her recital and watching her on stage, playing her flute so sweetly. I imagine us being happy.
But these are just glimpses of things that cannot be. Fantasizes of a life that I wanted to live. I am grateful for so many things. My life, our health, and the fact that we've been employed through this pandemic. But our lives have been altered forever. We can never go back to BEFORE. That is hard, but that is life. I think I will mourn this time for my children forever. As time passes, it will get easier, the sting will be a little less but I will never be able to look back on this time in our lives fondly, which makes me a little sad.
But 2021 will be here. It is something new. I have no expectations this New Year. Maybe I'll travel, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll be happy, maybe I won't. Maybe the world will implode, maybe it won't. It doesn't matter anymore, really. Things will just happen the way they are supposed to and I will just keep on living and being like, "Wow. This is happening." This is my vibe from 2021 forward:
So, the long story short- Fuck this year. 2020 can suck a bag of dicks.
May you have a happy and prosperous New Year.
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