Christmas will be here in less than 2 weeks. Our house is adorned with lights. The tree is trimmed and there is garland all through the house. The gifts have been purchased and wrapped, my cards have been sent -all the things are happening, but something is not quite right. It has been 5 years since any of my children believed in Santa Claus. That's half of a decade. The magic of the holidays with little ones seems long gone now.
I thought that the Christmas season would elicit something in me. I'm not sure what, exactly. Joy, excitement, nostalgia? But no, there is nothing at all. I hung Christmas ornaments - ornaments my children made when they were young, things that belonged to my grandparents - and there was nothing. Just memories that exist with no emotions tied to them. Christmas music that I used to love, that reminded me of joyful times....nothing. I don't have the Christmas spirit at all.
On the flip side, I am not sad. I literally feel nothing at all. Not anger, not sadness, not joy, not nostalgic, not excitement, not bored. I don't feel positively or negatively. I don't even feel emptiness. You would think that I would feel empty, if not anything else - but there is a heaviness that accompanies emptiness. I don't have an emptiness at all.
It's such a strange feeling. Like waking up and everything else in your house is gone. You're looking around thinking, "Oh shit! Wasn't there a couch here? Pictures hanging on the wall?"
I don't even have enough emotions to miss the fact that they are gone. The only reason that I even think it's a problem is because my logical brain tells me, This is probably not normal. You are maladjusted as f*ck.
But none of this is normal. Nothing about the world is normal right now. I think that my brain has finally gone into survival mode. It's just been too much stress and anguish. My brain has disassociated from everything.
I still am who I am. I care about other people, I want the best for the world, I am not bitter. But I don't FEEL anything about it. I know I care about people in the same way that I know the sky is blue. I have core truths. That just has to be good enough for now.
Otherwise, I am well. I continue to be a full-functioning human in spite of the large amount of duress I've been under. I work all the time. Things have been busy, I have lots of projects. My house is clean. I've been prioritizing self-care. I get massages every month, I meditate, I take walks, I carve out time to relax. If you take away the fact that I am dead inside, I would get a A+ on paper.
As the new year approaches, I am looking forward to nothing. It's so strange. Your whole life you have these normal expectations and now suddenly, they are gone. I always look forward to the new year. Goal setting, fresh beginnings, upcoming events.....but not now. Thankfully, the idea of moving is something to look forward to. I need that.
I have something to sustain me for the next 3 years, and hopefully, the pandemic will be over by then? I keep telling my husband that we should just go up there and buy a plot of land. I'm that way with vacations - just buy the plane tickets - then you HAVE to go.
I've been busy looking at house plans and fantasizing about life out in the woods. I really like this one:
I don't want a big house. I just want a porch and a tin roof. I feel the mountains calling me. I am ready to leave this suburban life behind me.
I think if I was able to feel anything at all, I would feel sad about it. Nostalgic, at least. My children grew up here. I have been thinking about that a lot. This pandemic has ruined a lot of things but I am eternally grateful that my children got to have a normal childhood.
Who would have thought that going to school, having friends, and attending birthday parties would be a luxury? My children had that. They will remember that their childhood was happy and normal. I hope that is something I can carry with me as we pick up the pieces and move on.
In the meantime, I will continue to do all the things that I am supposed to do - the only things that make sense to me. Getting up in the morning, making meals, working, surrounding myself with the people I love. I'll go see the lights, and bake cookies, and do all the Christmas things, and smile. I will fake it until I make it until things are normal again.
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