I suffered from insomnia before I had children. I had such a hard time falling asleep, I would wake up in the middle of the night and just be up because my mind was racing. My kids were the best cure for my insomnia but somehow I still don't get good sleep. I have no trouble falling asleep. I close my eyes and I am done for the night. It's like someone unplugs me. Last night I crawled into bed and looked up at the clock and it was 8:31 pm. I thought, "Well, I made it past 8 tonight, I'm not a complete loser" and I am pretty sure I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.
My sleep was short lived, as it always is. I was awoken at 3 am by a head in the middle of my back, nudging me off. I was literally hanging off the bed. My 6 year old climbed into bed with us again. I pushed her in the other direction but then she stole the blankets and started head butting me again. I didn't have time to fight. I was way too tired. I didn't have enough energy to even go into her room. I grabbed a pillow and slithered off the bed and slept on the floor. I just fell asleep where I landed. That's okay - my 8 year old was next to me on the floor. That's her new thing, to come in and sleep on the floor next to the bed. She knows that it is socially unacceptable to climb in with us now that she is nearly as big as I am.
I don't really care that they sleep in my bed occasionally as a principle, they are just too damn big. Maybe if we had a California king or 3 mattresses on the floor it would be okay, but we don't. I am tired of being smushed but I can't come up with a good solution. I can't lock the door to my room because they sleep walk and I am neurotic and worry about an Elizabeth Smart type of situation. They are too old for a gate. I can't lock them in their room because that's not safe if there was a fire or something. I give up.
My kids never slept well. EVER. They were those babies that were up 3-4 times a night and when they were babies I just attributed it to the fact that they were nursing and never gave much thought to it. They never napped. They took 8 fifteen minute cat naps throughout the day. Then they were weaned and they still woke up at least one time a night. They both sleep walk. My husband was a sleep walker when he was a kid. It has been getting better the past few years but I still sleep lightly because it is not uncommon for them to wander. I found one of them going into my closet to use the bathroom once. My youngest occasionally has night terrors and will wake up screaming and you have to hold her tight and rock her until she falls back asleep. The doctor says she will outgrow those. Sometimes they wake up to use the bathroom and can't go back to sleep and will come in and want to talk to us. Because misery loves company. "Mom, I had to go pee and now I can't sleep. Can I watch a movie? Don't forget I need a check for my field trip." Seriously. I am mean when they do this. "I don't care about your trip, go to sleep."
I used to blame myself. I tried everything. Going to bed earlier, they don't drink caffeine, limiting sugar, sleepy time tea. We have a bedtime routine and they GO to sleep but they don't stay asleep. None of it has helped. I always hear about people that have 3 month olds that sleep 12 hours and I am always shocked and amazed. What am I doing wrong? Bad Mom Award. I surrendered myself to this many years ago. I am not resentful about it, I am not angry about it. It is what it is. They are just horrible sleepers - they get it from their father and I. It's our sh**ty genetics. It's not like I can blame them. I am just not going to get a good nights sleep until they grow up. That's just the way it is. Life is not fair. Deal with it.
One time after an especially long night, I told my daughter exasperated that I hadn't sleep well in 10 years. I count my first pregnancy because I would wake up nightly to vomit and by the time that went away she was kicking me in the bladder all night long. She shrugged and said, "Well, you had 20 years to sleep before." But that is the irony - I didn't. I was an insomniac. I haven't slept well in 15-16 years. It just wasn't meant to me. Me and a good night's sleep will never be together.
This morning my husband and I discussed this over coffee. He said, "I can see the girls coming home from college, setting down their bags and saying, 'I'm home, sleeping in your guys bed tonight.'" Ugggh - Don't give them any ideas. I will try again tonight. I will fall asleep at an embarrassingly early hour and will inevitably be awoken by my children or my husband snoring loud enough to wake the dead. Praise God for coffee.
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