I am having one of those weeks where everyone in my house is annoying me. Okay, it's pretty much like most other weeks. There is one thing that is making me especially crazy. The fact that my kids are CONSTANTLY asking me to find their stuff.
This isn't a new thing, it's just making me go nuts. They will ask me to find things before they even look themselves. Why? Why do you need to do that? I swear every day, "Mom, where are my shoes?" "Mom, have you seen my book bag?" "Mom, will you help me find my head phones?" It's not just the kids, it's my husband too. He might be the worst. "Honey, have you seen my....."
Why does everyone in the house think that I keep a mental inventory of where everything is at all times? Not only that, they expect me to drop everything I'm doing and retrieve their sh*t. I could be doing the dishes and someone will come up and insist I stop and go scavenging with them.
No. Just no. I have to go through the list of places they need to look first before coming back to me. "You need to check the living room, the stairs, and the car...." because of course whatever they are looking for is NEVER where it is supposed to be. They will run off and then come back to me two minutes later.
"Mom, I checked everywhere." Then I walk into the living room and find whatever they are looking for laying in the middle of the floor. Then I get, "I swear it wasn't there a minute ago." I materialize things apparently. It's a super power. I am putting Finder of All of the Sh*t on my resume under Regurgitation Sanitation Coordinator.
I did lose it on my 10 year old yesterday. She conned me into buying her mechanical pencils over the weekend. It was 7 am on Monday morning and I was trying to get everything together to walk out the door and she was following me around asking, "Mom, where are those pencils?" "I don't know." "I need them." "Go find them." This was the conversation as she followed me from room to room. Finally, I walked over to the pencil/pen jar and handed her a pencil.
"I can't use these. I need a mechanical pencil." Oh.my.God. "I don't have time to find the pencils. Take this pencil." She crossed her arms and scowled and said, "No. I'm not going to use it." I did what any sane mother would do in that situation. I threw the pencil onto the counter angrily and screamed.
I didn't scream words. I just let out a blood curdling scream of anger. She didn't say anything but grabbed the pencil and went to the car.
Like I said, it's not just the kids. My husband won't even look for anything. "Honey, you need to buy more Lysol wipes." "No I don't. I just got some. They are under the sink." He shakes his head, "No, they aren't. I just checked." I walk over, open the cabinet and move the bag of trash bags to reveal the Lysol wipes. "Did you move anything to look?" Silence.
He expects things to literally jump out at him and scream, "Here I am." If not, default to the wife. She will find it. He also asks me where we keep things, which is annoying. "Where do we keep the can opener?" "Ummm...in the same place we've kept it since we moved into this house FOUR years ago. Christ Almighty."
I am annoyed with him. Today I made a comment that "I have a household to run." Do you know what he said to me? "I wouldn't say that you run it." "What are you trying to say? I don't clean the house to your standards." He shrugged, "It's just not your top priority. I'm not mad about it. I'm just sayin.'"
I was highly offended. "Take it back or I'm going to close the lady factory." He rolled his eyes at me. "I'm not saying you are a bad mom. I'm just saying the house could be cleaner." The house could be cleaner, pigs could fly, I could look like Heidi Klum. The world is an imperfect place.
I do the best that I can. I have two kids who are slobs and a dog who is an asshole. The house will get cleaned but it doesn't stay that way long. I do give it the college try.
I also am busy living my life. I have coffee with girlfriends, help at the school, take naps. This is not 1832, I am not going to spend my day beating rugs and tending fires. I'm a modern woman.
The truth is that I have written this blog to avoid doing the dishes. I need to win the lottery so I can hire a live in house keeper. I'll need two probably.
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