It has been so busy around here. I know what you're thinking, Tell me more about how "busy" your life is as a stay at home mom. I can practically see you rolling your eyes through the computer. Please find the world's smallest violin and play it in my honor while I complain about how hard life is.
On Monday, I picked my daughter up from gymnastics and we were talking about the day. Suddenly, I experienced a whiff of the most horrible smell I may have experienced in my lifetime. It was horrible, rancid. I rolled down the window and turned to my daughter, "Oh my God! What is going on with you? You need to use the bathroom or something." She was offended. "I didn't fart, mom." If you dealt it, you know you dealt it and it was not me. It had to be her. "You need to drink some water and eat some fruit or something. It smells like something died in this car. I need to take you to the GI specialist." She was so pissed, the veins in her neck were popping out. "IT WASN'T ME, MAMA!!!!!" She was so mad that she didn't talk to me the rest of the ride home.
The next day, I dropped the kids off from school and then came home to do my Cinderella chores. I looked at the menu on the fridge to check what we were having for dinner. Pork chops. I opened the freezer to get them out and I could not find them. I must have forgotten to pick them up, I thought to myself, I guess we'll have spaghetti tonight instead. Later, I had to go to the bank. I opened the car door and the smell hit me like a ton of bricks, burning my nostrils.
Did her nasty gas stay in the car? Sink into my seats? I checked the car to make sure no one left their lunch in there. Nothing. I went to the bank and then was going to put the envelope in my trunk. That's when I discovered the source of the smell. The pork chops I purchased had some how made their way into a box of clothes that I was planning to take to Goodwill and had been rotting in my car for 5 days. That was the dead body smell. I felt soooo bad. I blamed my sweet little daughter for the smell in the car that was due to my own negligence. Bad Mom Award. Horrible. Worst Mom Ever.
Not 10 minutes later I saw I had a voicemail. It was from the school. I was nervous. What happened this time? My kid threw up, has a fever, punched someone...who knows. I listened to the message. "Mrs. B, you have been chosen as March's Parent of the Month....." What? I didn't know that was a thing. I was like:
Word has not gotten around yet about the fact that I am the worst mom ever. I called my husband. "I have big news, honey." He seemed anxious. "What is it?" "I have been named Parent of the Month." He laughed at loud and said, "They obviously don't know you." "I KNOW! That's exactly what I thought!" That's why we've stayed married for so long. We're on the same wave length.
I love it. It appeals to my ego. My name is even on the sign outside of school. We drove by it the other day and I pointed it out to my daughter. "See! I always knew my name would be in lights." She rolled her eyes at me and said, "You are so annoying, mom." Then she asked me if she could be a car rider that afternoon. "Okay," I told her.
That afternoon, I picked her up from school. Which I'm sure she will never ask me to do again. I picked her up and we drove down the main road. There were crowds of students walking home. I was watching all the kids and just witnessed so many bad decisions. I need to just mind my own business but I can't help it. There was a boy and girl walking home and he had his arm around her. Not around her waist but high up her rib cage. Dangerously close to the no-no zone. "Who is that kid?" I asked my daughter. "She's my friend's sister, she's in 7th grade." I shook my head, "Her mama would not like that. They need to leave some room for Jesus in between them. You don't let a boy put his arm around you until you're married. Got it?" She rolled her eyes at me. "I know, mom."
I am serious. The minute you let a boy put his arm around you, you are just opening the door. It's like a gateway drug. We will be doing Duggar courtships in my house. I was not born yesterday.
Then to my right, I see two girls playing on a huge concrete storm drain. Can't they climb a tree instead? We were at the stop light and the girls walked off the top of the drain and came close to the car to say hello to my daughter. I rolled down the window. "Girls, don't play on that storm drain. It's dangerous. You could fall and seriously hurt yourself or worse. There are probably gators in that water, too." My daughter put her face in her hands, embarrassed.
We drove off and she told me that I was embarrassing. I didn't care. "If something happened to one of those kids and I just drove by, I would feel bad about it. It's been raining a lot. Kids can drown and be seriously hurt. NEVER PLAY NEAR A STORM DRAIN!" She huffed, "God, mom. I don't. I'm not going to let you pick me up anymore. You are soooo annoying." I turned to her and said, "You can't talk to me like that. I am the Parent of the Month."
No comments:
Post a Comment