I f**king failed at Christmas this year. This is the first Christmas that I just wanted it to be done and over with. Which is really sad, because I usually love Christmas and am excited about it. This year I feel like it just came too quickly and there was too much to do. Plus, my kids were acting like jackholes which is a thing they do around Christmastime.
The Saturday before Christmas, I was sitting in the living room watching Home Alone 2 in front of the fire with the children when my husband walked in and said, "Do you know what you want for Christmas?" I didn't know what the answer was and I was a little suspicious.
"No. What?"
"A new kitchen."
What? You trippin. "Seriously. Let's go get appliances."
"Like now?"
"Yeah. Why not?"
So that's what we did. I got new stainless steel appliances and picked out paint, curtains, a new light fixture, a rug. The whole thing. They told us that they would deliver the appliances Christmas Eve. That seemed like a good idea at the time. Then I got home and realized that the kitchen needed to be painted and back splash needed to be done before the appliances came.
What a dumb ass idea right before Christmas. We painted the kitchen and got everything ready. In the meantime, there were still Christmas things to be done. I waited until the very last minute to take the kids Santa. Like, Christmas Eve. We show up and it's a 2 hour wait. The kids were like, "We're not waiting in line that long. Can we just take a picture and photo shop Santa in it?" I felt horrible. This is the first year that I didn't get their picture done with Santa. Bad Mom Award.
Somehow they talked me into spending $60 on pajamas. They guilt tripped me. "Well, since we didn't get to see Santa can you buy us jammies at Belk?" I would do anything. They didn't get to see Santa. Who shops at Belk? Millionaires? Sixty bucks for pajamas is OUTRAGEOUS.
The appliances came on Christmas Eve afternoon. They had to take off the front door to get the refrigerator in. My husband had to work all day and when he got home in the evening he hooked up everything. I was waiting on him to install the dishwasher to cook dinner. The wires were exposed so he turned off the electricity and the water. It was dark so he had me holding a flash light while the kids sat in the dark in the kitchen.
The waterline looked old as shit. This house is 13 years old but the water line looked like it was 50 years old. It was rusted through and all jacked up. Finally, as it approached 7 o'clock, I put my foot down. "It's Christmas Eve. Just turn the water off to the dishwasher and we can try again after Christmas." My husband finally relented and turned the electricity back on. I got to work making shrimp scampi while he cleaned up the kitchen.
"You have everything ready for the girls?"
"Yes."
"Did you get gifts for the dog?"
What the f**k? Really? I'm lucky that I got the kids covered. I have presents for my nephews in the back of my car still because I didn't get a chance to send them. The dog was not even on my radar.
"No. I didn't get gifts for the dog."
"What do you mean? Why not?"
"Because she's a god damned dog."
He was highly offended. "She is part of the family."
"She's a dog."
"I'm going to go get some gifts for the dog."
"Right now? Nothings open."
"Target is open."
This B called the kids down and they went to Target to get gifts for the dog. It gave me time to cook dinner and straighten out the house in peace. They came back with their gifts and the neighbors showed up with cookies and to exchange gifts with the kids. I was so grateful for the cookies. I did not feel like baking Santa cookies.
After they left we sat in front of the fire and watched 10 minutes of A Christmas Story before the kids started to fall asleep. We ushered them up to bed and then began Santa time.
We unloaded all the gifts we had hidden, attached bows and placed them artfully under the tree. We reminisced. "You know, on this night 15 years ago, you asked me to marry you." He smirked, "Great decision. We've been playing Santa for 12 years." How is that possible? All the years are blurring together. It's like Groundhog Day.
After we did the gifts, I stuffed the stockings. I discovered that I was missing an entire bag of stocking stuffers. I could not find them ANYWHERE. After a while, I said, "Screw it," and just overfilled their stockings with candy. I was so disappointed in myself. I'm going to find that bag in March, I'm sure.
We ate the cookies, drank the milk and put the stupid elf in his box and sent him back to the North Pole. Then it was time to sleep. We were exhausted.
Our 11 year old was the first one up on Christmas morning. At 5:00 am. Oh. My.God. We were up opening presents at 5:45. They opened their stockings first. My 11 year old was like, "There is only candy in here. This is crap." Kick me while I'm down why don't you? They opened their gifts and I thought I had gotten them an equal amount but my 11 year old somehow had more gifts. "I think Santa forgot a gift or two," I whispered to my husband. Nothing wins you the bad mom award more than getting more gifts for one child for Christmas than the other.
My 9 year old was gracious about it but I was hating myself. I must have forgotten something.
we cooked a large breakfast and then they put on sundresses and went outside to enjoy their gifts.
Yes, sundresses because it was 80 degrees outside. What the hell? It's hard to get in the Christmas spirit when it feels like Easter. I slaved away in the kitchen and then sat in my lawn chair and watched the kids play on their new scooter and skate board and tanned my legs.
Our family came for dinner and we had a nice time....then it was over. I was so relieved. Isn't that terrible?
We have spent the past few days recuperating from the holiday. This evening I took down the Christmas decorations. I found my 9 year old's missing gift in the garage. The mustache pillow! How did I forget the mustache pillow? I called her down.
"Look, there's a gift for you that fell out of Santa's sleigh!" She was so excited. I suck.
The tree is down and the Christmas decorations are packed up but there is one remnant of Christmas that still remains-dinner. I made so much food for Christmas dinner. I spent like hundreds and hundreds of dollars at the grocery store on Christmas dinner so I told the kids I wasn't going grocery shopping until we ate all the left overs. We've eaten ham for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the past 4 days.
Tonight the children had a breakdown. My 9 year old was like, "I want Chinese food." I shook my head. "No, we are having ham." She cried actual tears. "But mom, we have ham every day. I am so tired of ham."
My husband gave her a stern look, "There are starving kids who would be happy to have that ham." Isn't that every parents line?
We chatted at dinner. Our daughter told us about a friend's cousin named Oliver.
"Is his last name Twist?" I asked. Literary humor. That's how we roll.
My husband joined in the fun. "Does he have a cousin named Huckleberry Finn?"
My daughter rolled her eyes. "He's Italian or something."
My husband said, "Does he have a cousin named Joey Fatone - the mobster?"
I almost choked on my ham. "Joey Fatone was in NSYNC. He is not a mobster."
Joey Fatone = not a mobster
We laughed so hard. "That was a pop culture fail," I snorted.
I'm being long winded and random but that's how my life is, so....
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