I volunteer in my third grader's classroom on Mondays. Last Monday, I was sitting there doing flash cards with the kids when there was a knock at the door. The assistant principal walked in and handed a box to the teacher. "This just showed up by the front door. I didn't see who brought it." Her teacher grabbed the box and said, "Oh, I know what this is." She passed the box around to show the children that it was ice cold. It was wrapped in brown paper with bright NORTH POLE stickers all over it. She unwrapped the box to reveal the class Elf on A Shelf.
She sat the kids on the rug and read the Elf on the Shelf book. Then she told the story of how 3 years ago her class visited a kindergarten class that had an elf and asked the elf if they could have one too and the next day the elf just showed up, icy at the front of the school. That's how it happens every year now. She talked about traditions and other holidays and beliefs and turned it into a social studies lesson of sorts. Then she asked who had an Elf on A Shelf a home. Almost all of the hands went up, except for my daughter. Bad Mom Award.
We have not participated in Elf on the Shelf. They didn't REALLY become popular until 3-4 years ago and by that time I felt like we had established our holiday routine. We have a TON of Christmas traditions; the kids open the Advent Calender every day, we do the light show every year, the living nativity, various parades and events. I never felt like we needed an Elf. I am not an Elf on the Shelf kind of mother. The Elf seems like an extra chore for me which is not what I need at the holiday time. The kids never bothered me about it and I have made it this far without an Elf.
That afternoon, I picked her up and she declared, "Guess what, mom? We are getting an Elf on the Shelf." In my head I thought, Oh HELL NAH we're not. "Oh, really?" "Yeah, I told all my friend's that we don't have an Elf and they are all going to go home and ask their elves if they can tell Santa to bring us an elf, just like our class elf." I stewed over this. I dropped her off at gymnastics and then went home to make dinner.
When my husband walked through the door, I said, "We need to go get a f*&$ing elf." I dropped the F-bomb about the Elf. He groaned. "Look, we have no options. Our daughter believes in the magic of the elf and she asked her friends to ask their elves. So, if we don't get the stupid elf not only will we be destroying her magic but her friend's too. We will ruin the elf magic for all." My 10 year old was just laughing her butt off. "You have to move the elf EVERY NIGHT." I gave her the stink eye.
So I went out to go buy a stupid Elf on A Shelf. I hated every minute of it. He cost $30. He is made out of felt and cheap plastic, what a crap rip off. I did not have joy in my heart about it. I paid for the over-priced crappy Elf and I sat in the car and opened the flap. He smiled at me with his stupid elf grin.
"I hate you," I said out loud to the elf. Then I hid him in the back seat.
I picked up my daughter from gymnastics and when she went in to get dressed, I snuck back to the car and got the elf, laid it on the door mat and sprinkled it with glitter. Special magical North Pole Elf Dust. *Sigh*
She came down and started her homework. I knocked on the wall and then instructed my 10 year old to answer the door. She did and then said, "MOM, come here." I walked over and my little one followed. When she saw the Elf on the Shelf she jumped for joy. "It worked, mom. It worked! The Elf magic is REAL!"
I thought, How can she possibly believe this crap? I smiled. "It sure does." We brought in the Elf and she read the book to me and they argued over what to name it. They decided on Green Peppermint.
Now, every night we have to move the stupid elf. I dislike it so much. We have very limited options because he has to be high and out of reach of the dog. Most of the time, I just get up early to move him. Every time I say mean things to the elf. I tell him that he's annoying and that I don't like him. I am an elf bully.
I refuse to stage elaborate scenarios for the elf. You see people on Pinterest and Facebook with this kind of stuff:
Are you kidding me? I'm like, I moved the Elf from the tree to the bookshelf.... I feel horrible that I'm not into the Elf. I feel like the worst mom EVER. That is not fair. Parenting is hard enough. Normally I'd be working full time. You have to make sure the kids get to school, pack lunch, clean house, shuttle back and forth to extra curricular activities, make meals, supervise homework, grocery shop and everything else....and now a days you have to feel guilty for not giving Elf on the Shelf your all?
The only good part about him is that when my daughter is bad, I threaten to touch the Elf. If you touch him, he will lose his magic. That makes her so mad but it straightens her right up. I'm earning the Bad Mom Award one day at a time.
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