I'm Ill

                                   

It's 3 a.m. on Christmas Eve and I'm not asleep. I did all the laundry, moved the stupid Elf (and wrote a letter on his behalf to my children), I plucked my eyebrows, and surfed Buzzfeed for an hour and a half.

Why did I do all those things? Because of the Sudafed. Holy Hell, no wonder they regulate that stuff. It's my husband's fault. I got sick this weekend and he went out and purchased soup, orange juice and two HUGE bottles of Sudafed. You opening a meth lab or something? I thought.

It started on Friday. I was feeling a little congested and had a tickle in my throat. I chalked it up to allergies. On Saturday, my throat was a little sore and I was feeling run down but I still shrugged it off. I woke up Sunday morning and I was sure I was dying.

I had a fever and it felt like every single bone in my body was broken. I felt like someone took me out of bed in the middle of the night, ran me over with their car, and then tucked me back in. I had a sinus headache that felt like an ice pick in my head. "I'm dying," I moaned to my husband. He rolled his eyes at me, "You are not dying." I moaned, "Yes, yes I am. Please help me."

I parked my aching body on the couch with a comforter and pillow and demanded somebody put on something "nice that I can listen too." That's when my husband left to get the lifetime supply of Sudafed.

I realized how awesome it is to have older children. I was on the couch moaning and groaning and the kids were very helpful. My youngest got a damp cloth and applied it to my forehead. They made tea, brought me cold water and food. They let me rest.

Good mothers don't get sick. They can't. Who will do the dishes and the laundry? I could do nothing. I was so glad I don't have young children. You can't be sick when you have young kids. I recall being deathly ill at home alone with my two year old and fencing her into the living room with snacks and toys. I let her watch 8 straight hours of Strawberry Shortcake while I counted the minutes for my husband to come home.

Little kids don't give a shit if you are sick. They are selfish people. They still want you to make them mac and cheese, sing along to the Wiggles, and go outside to blow bubbles. You can be blowing chunks, laying on your death bed, racked with fever and they'll be like:

                                                   

I'll take that back. My kids are mostly helpful and caring. They were good on the first day. They gave me 24 hours to rest. After that, all bets were off.

My husband had to go to work on Monday morning and I was alone, sick, with the kids. I was completely neglectful and horrible. I was on the couch, drifting in and out of sleep, only rising occasionally to hack up some green stuff.

My ten year old patted me, "Mom, can I make some Ramen noodles?" It was 8 am, but I did not care. "Sure, just don't bother me for the next 2 hours."

After a nap, I was still feeling horrible. My body hurt, my face hurt. I decided to take some Sudameth and then soak in a hot bath. I checked on the kids to make sure they were still alive and then headed for the bathroom.

I sunk down in the bathtub and the hot water felt so nice on my aching bones. I closed my eyes to relax and a few minutes later there was a bang at the door. My oldest daughter was yelling through the door.
"MOM, is my phone in there?"
"No."
"Can you check?"
"It's not in here."
"MOM- YES IT IS!"
"Seriously, it's not!"
"I'm coming in."
"The door is locked."
"I have a key."
"I'm NAKED."
"I don't care."
"Well, I'm not going to pay for your therapy."
"MOM, YOU'RE HORRIBLE!!!!!"

She gave up, defeated, and I closed my eyes again. I do want to mention that her phone was later located in her closet. BOO-YA!

I was up all night last night hacking and in the morning I was halfway dreaming in a feverish haze. My husband got up for work and I said to him, over and over again, "Tell Pa that he can have the oxen." He ignored me for a while and then finally said, "Ok, I'll tell him. Now go to sleep." He was probably thinking, I need to call Ancora and see if they have a bed for this crazy lady.

I fell into a deep glorious sleep and when I woke up it was 10 am. The kids were watching a movie and eating cheese doodles. Bad Mom Award. I felt soooo much better. I'm still a little congested but I'm on the mend.

Thank goodness! It is Christmas, after all. There are meals to be cooked and stockings to be stuffed. First, I think I am going to take a hot bath....in peace! Merry Christmas, y'all!