It's Friday night and I am exhausted. You know, because I have a job now. I've been back to work for about a month now. I feel like I've just picked up where I left off. It's been a little adjustment but not bad at all.
I feel so grateful and so blessed to have almost 10 months off. I needed it. I worked super hard for many years working full time being a mom and a wife, managing a household, being involved in the kid's school, By the time I was laid off from my job I had been chewed up and spit out. I needed to rest, to return to my baseline, to re-connect and catch up on life.
I wasn't sure how it was going to pan out financially (we had after all lost over half of our income) but I had the support of my husband, I had prayed on it and I felt like God was telling me to be still. That's what I did. I was still, I counted my blessings, and I had faith that He had a plan for me.
What a wonderful time. I napped a lot. I regained my energy. I spent a LOT of time with the kids. Helping in their classrooms and hanging out after school. Fifth grade in the middle school was a tough adjustment for my daughter and it was good for me to be home.
For the first time in 7 years my kids had a lazy summer. They slept in, relaxed. There was no waking up to rush to camp. We had fun, we spent time together and we became closer as a family. I felt so fortunate. Not many people get to take a hiatus like that.
I was still but when it was time to go back to work, I knew it. I really love my new job and for the first time in forever - I don't feel guilty about working.
I don't understand the working mom vs. stay at home mom thing. When I was home the past year, I didn't feel less busy. I felt MORE busy. I just filled my days with different things. It's hard to be at home because people assume you just have a bunch of free time on your hands. You get roped into things that you wouldn't normally when you work during the day.
Cleaning the house is horrible. When I'm working, I don't give a shit about cleaning my house. Let the house be messy - I'm not home all day anyway. For years we paid to have the house cleaned weekly. That was a hard adjustment. I spent a lot of time trying to keep my house clean this past 10 months. I'm over it.
I don't have guilt anymore because my husband and I have flexible schedules. My husband can work from home when needed. We work hard but we work to live, we don't live to work.
I don't have guilt anymore because my kids are older. When you have young children and you are working you are constantly second guessing yourself. Wondering if you are making the right decision. Wondering if the kids will be alright. When I used to drop off my 3 year old to do to work, I'd be like:
Now that my kids are in 4th and 6th grade, I'm like:
My kids are at an age where they are so EASY. They do everything themselves now. The morning routine is not a struggle. They get their own clothes ready, wake up easily, and if they don't like what I made for breakfast they can fix something themselves.
Don't get me wrong, they are slobs but they clean up when I need them to. Their behavior most of the time is excellent. My 11 year old's mood swings have evened out a lot in the past 6 months. I feel like there is very little struggle. They don't cry every day anymore or fight me to go to bed. It is amazing. I don't know how long it will last but it's a good place to be.
I can have a career and be a mom and the kids will be all right. If I need to be home again in the future, then that will be all right too. We take one day at a time.
The big thing that I learned this year is that no one has it easy. Working moms and stay at home moms may have different challenges but neither is a walk in the park. Being a mom is hard - period. No matter what you do, you will always second guess yourself, people will always judge your decisions, your kids will still drive you crazy.
I'm owning my decisions and I'm not feeling bad about them. If my kids are alive, fed, clean, and have adequate clothing and shelter at the end of the day then I'm not doing that bad. They are LOVED. Good bye, mom guilt and good riddance!
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