The Day I Was Pregnant

  

So....I thought I was pregnant the other day, which was completely horrifying. I was cleaning the house and getting the Christmas stuff packed up and I realized it was the end of December. How can that be? Already? Oh.my.God. I'm pregnant. Things are not how they should be. I entertained this thought for a moment and I thought, "No way, that's impossible." But then I thought- I have been feeling very bloated and unusually tired and I haven't been sleeping good. I've been having weird dreams. Because I was being scientific and not neurotic at all. My heart sunk into my stomach. I called my husband at work, "I know this is going to sound absolutely insane, but things are not how they should be and I think I'm pregnant." Did he speak comfort to me? No, of course not. He laughed and said, "It's not my baby."

We made the decision not to have any more children many years ago. We were very young. We were just 23 and 24 and we knew that we were good. We had two healthy children. We felt complete. I knew that if we didn't do something drastic, I would have 8 kids by the time I was 40. I am a fertile myrtle. I don't understand how people that are not sterile don't have kids for long stretches of time. I would be pregnant every time I turned around, I think. So we made it permanent. I would have let them take my uterus out, but apparently they don't remove uteruses from 23 year olds. I was happy about it. I always believed in the power of the vasectomy until I worked with a lady who got pregnant on her 20th wedding anniversary YEARS after her husband had a vasectomy. It sent chills up my spine. I don't trust them anymore. Tubes can grow back. I think nature always tries to find a way. I don't like it.

I tried to clean my house but I was so upset and feeling morose. We were having dinner at my dad's house which I knew would take my mind of of things. I told the kids to get their shoes on and off we went. I walked into my dad's house and said hello and a minute later he said, "I have something for you." He handed me a VHS tape, not any VHS tape. This VHS tape:
                                     
I am not kidding you, true story. I looked at him funny. "Why are you giving this to me?" He shrugged, "It fell out the the cabinet right before you came over." My heart sank again. Is this a sign, God? Because if it is, I don't like your sense of humor. I needed to do something immediately, I was freaking out. I decided that I would just go buy a pregnancy test. Right at that moment. I left and drove straight to CVS. I balked at the price of the pregnancy tests. I should have just went to the dollar store. I frequent the CVS so I knew the guy who was ringing me up. He acts weird and socially awkward when I buy shampoo so I think this purchase really threw him for a loop. He looked at the pregnancy test and he looked at me and gave me a weird look. Then he wouldn't look me in the eye again or talk. He just took my money. I wanted to say, What? Am I making a declaration to the world? Did I do something that I'm not supposed to do? I think not -I'm a married woman for God sake with 2 kids already. I'm a responsible person. But I didn't say that. I said, "Have a nice evening," and I grabbed the test and left.

I drove back to my dad's house and disappeared and took the stupid test. I watched as the one line appeared and and the anxiety washed out of my body. I was so happy. I was ecstatic. I came down stairs and ate dinner and life went on.

I don't want to sound like a selfish, horrible person - because I love babies. I really do. I think they are fantastic. I think people should have them - lots of them, if they want to. Just not ME. I don't want to vomit and be ill and wipe butts and walk a crying baby for hours. I have walked through the valley of sleepless nights and endless laundry. I have braved the world with puffs and sippy cups in hand. It was a joyous time in our lives, I loved our babies. I gave them everything that I had. But that time is over for us now. We are in another place in our lives. A place that I couldn't even have dreamed of or imagined when the kids were babies and toddlers. I always thought I would be terribly sad as the kids got older and long for a little person, but it's not as sad as I thought it would be. It's actually quite fun. We will have a teenage daughter in 3 1/2 years. We can go places without packing bags. We have careers that we enjoy. Life is settled.

I am thinking about getting my tubes tied now. Maybe an IUD too. Maybe also practicing natural family planning on top of that. You can never be too careful.