Family Pictures

               

We decided to get family pictures done last weekend. You may all know about my disdain for getting photos done because no one in my family cooperates. I was thinking this year would be different. The kids are older and I was thinking that I might make an attempt to send out some nice Christmas cards this year. I know, I'm an overachiever. I booked the photographer but needed to get some new clothes for the girls so I went shopping with my kids, my sister and my niece.

Well, if my kids are bad alone - throw in my 4 year old niece and you have a trifecta of craziness. We were discussing color schemes and the kids would just disappear. They were hiding in the clothing. They are too old for that. My sister and I both yelled in public - feeling no shame or embarrassment. We are 2 peas in a pod. We had to go over to the women's section which is next to the underwear section. My 4 year old niece comes up to me with a green bra around her neck that is like a 42 DDD and says, "I'm a gwown woman." I laughed and laughed. Then she said, "I want to be a gwown woman." I smiled and said, "No you don't, then you're going to have a bunch of kids that make you crazy like me and your mom." She looked at me indignantly and said, "Not uh, I'm only going to have 1 child." Good luck with that. That trip should have been an indication that things would not go well.

The week before picture I was threatening my family. Mostly my husband."You need to smile and be serious. No, you can not wear your Batman tee-shirt." He is awful with pictures. We've been married over 11 years and I only have 5 good pictures of us together. He always sticks his tongue out or puts his finger up my nose. I get it, you're a funny guy but in 100 years our great-grandchildren are going to look at pictures of us and think we're insane. They wouldn't be that far off. I just don't want them to think that.

The day of rolls around and the plan was to get dressed, pick up my 7 year old from a sleepover party, get her dressed and then go to photos. My husband takes a shower and he comes out and he didn't shave his beard or his hair. He always shaves his head. For years, with very short stints of growing it out. He's been shaving it since he was in the military. I love when it's shaved. He looks hot as fire. "Are you going to shave?" He looked at me and said, "No, I;m growing it out." "WHAT? You never grow out your hair. Please can you shave it for the pictures?" "No. I'm growing it out." I lost my damn mind. He is the most stubborn person on the planet and we are in the point in our marriage where he doesn't have to do what I say anymore. We probably hit that mark about 5 years ago. I hate it. I used to ask for the moon and the stars and he would climb a mountain to try to do it. Now he is like, "Get them yourself. I had a hard day." He realizes that nothing happens if he doesn't give in to my wishes, except that I get mad and he doesn't care that much if I'm mad. It's a power struggle. I tried the nice route, "Please will you shave?" "No. I don't have to." I was seething. I was so upset.

Then my 9 year old walks in and I told her I was going to brush her hair and put a little bit of color on her face as she was a little pale and she said, "No. This is my face." We went back and forth and she still said that she wasn't going to do it. That she could do her own hair. "I am half of a grown up." You're 9 - step off. I came toward her with a brush and she screamed, "DON'T TOUCH ME!!!!" It was a mutiny. I was so angry I was seeing red. This was me:
               
We went to the car and I was loosing my mind I was so annoyed. I did what any grown woman who doesn't get her way would do. I sat in the passengers seat with my arms crossed and scowled. We went to pick up my 7 year old. She loves me, she would cooperate. We pull up to the house and out runs my baby with temporary tattoos ALL OVER her face. Not one on her cheek. ALL OVER her face. Her nose, both cheeks, forehead, chin, next to her eyes. Oh, the wrath I felt. "You knew we were getting pictures today." She shrugged her shoulders, "I just wanted to." So I spent the whole way there scrubbing the tattoos off her face and she cried because it hurt.

By the time we got there, I was over it. My husband was annoyed, the kids were annoyed. I knew it was going to be bad but I didn't think I would want to throw myself off a bridge. We did survive it, which was good. My blood pressure went down as the shoot went on. I am not doing family pictures again for another 5 years. It almost killed me.